momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,156
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Dec 15, 2018 12:23:28 GMT
I have a dd who is living with her boyfriend at his family home because they can't afford an apartment because of his debt. She's 19, left home with just car insurance and phone for bills. He's a little older and has some financial issues. All that comes to mind is that old saying champagne taste on a beer budget. He likes finer clothing, restaurants and obviously can't afford his lifestyle.
Long story short we pray a little maturity will make her see this isn't the life for her, but in the meantime I could use some help. Yesterday an envelope came for her with the outside saying cancellation was imminent for her car insurance. I sent a picture in a group chat to the two of them and her response was it was getting paid this week, they'd had other expenses this week.
I hate for her to be spending money on Christmas presents for her father and I, especially given the current state of her finances. I was going to text her to tell her to skip gifts for us, but I want to word it in a way that she doesn't take offense to, she can be sensitive. Is there a way for me to do this without it becoming an issue? She takes so much as criticism so i'd rather not say anything if I can't find a way to do this without issue.
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Post by gar on Dec 15, 2018 12:35:29 GMT
My normal way around things like that is to put it on me - would she buy into the idea of you said you wanted to cut back or we’re thinking that you’d stick to token presents this year so you could focus on the more important things like enjoying each other’s company etc?
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,156
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Dec 15, 2018 13:13:03 GMT
My normal way around things like that is to put it on me - would she buy into the idea of you said you wanted to cut back or we’re thinking that you’d stick to token presents this year so you could focus on the more important things like enjoying each other’s company etc? That's normally how i'd handle it for less close family or friends, but what I really want is to let her off the hook with us so that she can spend what she has on what she needs to do. I asked her quite awhile ago about what she wanted and mainly it's needed items that I've gotten her. My hope was that there was a way to nicely tell her that we'd be perfectly fine if she skipped us since she has other expenses. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:06:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2018 13:31:48 GMT
Many peas will suggest you let her crash and burn because she is over the magic age of 18. I would not. If my kid was about to lose their car insurance, I would not tiptoe around the subject of spending. She needs to get over being sensitive when it comes to grown up stuff. I would straight up tell her she should put all other spending on hold, including Christmas gifts, until she had that bill paid. She might be over 18 and out of the house, but she seems to still need parenting if she does not understand the importance of this.
If this were my daughter, I would probably give her a lecture about spending (with no sugarcoating), let her know how much I love her and pay the bill for her this one time.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,107
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Dec 15, 2018 13:33:17 GMT
Honestly? I would pay that insurance bill immediately and tell her Merry Christmas. I’d still give her what I bought. I would tell her straight up that we don’t need presents this year. I’d return anything she gives and pay the car insurance again next month and make it clear that was it. Harsh, but needed tough love.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,687
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Dec 15, 2018 13:48:24 GMT
I'd just tell her that you hope she's not buying you things for Christmas and that you completely understand they need to focus on bills and necessities. I'd also remind her that if her insurance drops her she will likely become high risk which results in far higher insurance rates for the next several years (at least that's what happened when my parents dropped me at 18 without telling me).
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Post by stingfan on Dec 15, 2018 16:27:48 GMT
Something like...
"I know how expensive car insurance is. I cringe every time I have to pay my own bill! Please don't worry about getting gifts for your father and me this Christmas. Put your money where it's most needed."
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,975
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Dec 15, 2018 16:33:51 GMT
If it were my child, I probably would say: "hey, given what looks like some financial constraints, don't worry about Christmas gifts for me and dad this year. We really don't want for much and would rather you spend it on the things you need. Love you!"
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,091
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Dec 15, 2018 16:41:07 GMT
I wouldn't hesitate to have the conversation with her about the importance of paying bills, EVEN during Christmas time! She could be learning bad habits from the boyfriend that has a proven record of poor financial decisions.
Since you asked her about the insurance and she said she was going to pay it … Give her that chance to do that and be a grown up, but check up on it and make sure it gets done!
If she doesn't pay it, then you could pay it to make sure it doesn't get cancelled and give her the receipt in place of any additional Christmas gifts in that amount.
Best wishes!
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 15, 2018 16:52:02 GMT
Put me in the crash and burn category. If she is old enough to move out she is old enough to deal with this on her own. If she indeed loses her car insurance and faces raised premiums when she can afford it again it is a good lesson and maybe she will learn from it. If you save her from herself she will keep being irresponsible and the next time she may get herself in real trouble. She can get a second job. That's what people do when they need money.
You absolutely can and probably should tell her to skip buying a Christmas present for you and pay her insurance. However, at her age and responsibility level don't be surprised if she skips your present and buys her boyfriend the bigger, more expensive present that she couldn't afford instead of paying for her insurance.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:06:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2018 17:25:06 GMT
If you tell her to skip getting you gifts, what are the odds she’ll use that money on something else like eating out with her BF? If she can’t manage her money now while living with her BF and likely paying little to no rent, then she’s going to have continued issues managing her money. She needs to learn to budget and you’d be doing her no favors by cutting her slack. Also, you are assuming that she is even planning on getting you gifts this year. She might just tell you she can’t afford to. What I would do is make sure your names aren’t on title to that car. If she gets into an accident, they can go after you if you are on title.
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Post by annie on Dec 15, 2018 18:57:02 GMT
She's an adult who doesn't live with you. I would not discuss anything more regarding the bill or Christmas presents, etc... That's her business.
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Post by flanz on Dec 15, 2018 20:34:19 GMT
If you tell her to skip getting you gifts, what are the odds she’ll use that money on something else like eating out with her BF? If she can’t manage her money now while living with her BF and likely paying little to no rent, then she’s going to have continued issues managing her money. She needs to learn to budget and you’d be doing her no favors by cutting her slack. Also, you are assuming that she is even planning on getting you gifts this year. She might just tell you she can’t afford to. What I would do is make sure your names aren’t on title to that car. If she gets into an accident, they can go after you if you are on title. This! |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 15, 2018 20:52:28 GMT
I would just tell her that the best gift she could give is her presence at some point over the holidays and that we really don’t want any tangible gifts that we will have to find a place for. Most adults we know are actively downsizing and really don’t want more things to deal with anyway.
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