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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2019 6:22:56 GMT
Jan 6, 2019 23:10:20 GMT -6 PEAcan pie said: Go alone. It is a place to start. You may learn enough to navigate the issues without him going or he may see the changes in you that will encourage him to go. As for your budget: everyone seems to be concentrating on the food portion. But you didn't overspend by thousands of dollars in the food category. My guess is that was the gifts portion and he feels you are giving away his hard earned money. Not only does he have the burden to make sure bills/needs are met this month but for the rest of both your lives. You seem quite blase about tracking what you are spending each week as if it doesn't matter. Cut back, or even out, giving gifts to teachers/friends. Stop being the first to donate to the school or any other thing until you have discussed it with him and discussed how the donation fits your overall charitable giving. Plan ahead so dog grooming/vet doesn't fall during the time you are spending for Christmas, or set up a Christmas fund specifically for gift giving. As for the food, your kids do not need nearly a pound of meat at a meal. One can of black beans is 3.5 servings. Only cook one pound of meat for tacos and add 3 cans of black beans to it, then let the kids go to town on making tacos. It is great they like salads but it sounds like you have them on a keto diet. Kids need more carbs than adults. As long as they aren't fat increase their intake of beans, brown rice, potatoes and even make more pasta. Those are the cheap meat stretchers of past years that filled up hungry teens without killing the family budget. I understand you feel his is overly controling by cutting you off. As you've said this has been an ongoing fight and if you aren't making meaning full headway in changes what is he supposed to do? This isn't about your grocery budget. It is about your total spending. You need to talk to him. Before you decide you can't forgive him for being controling, make sure he can forgive you for being an uncaring jerk about the future who gives away what he has earned. You have to listen to his concerns too.
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Post by tamaraann on Jan 7, 2019 6:23:49 GMT
I would make a spreadsheet, including things you purchase every month and the cost associated with it. Then take him shopping a couple times with it in hand, so he can see you aren't making things up.
Then together, see if you can scale back anywhere. This will make him happy.
Then he needs to do something to make you happy. Dinner out 1x a week. Movies 2x a month. Something like that.
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Post by kels99 on Jan 7, 2019 6:38:36 GMT
As far as the Dave Ramsey course goes, I, too, think it would be good for you if you can convince him to go with you. My DH and were not on the same page when it came to spending/saving (I was the spender, he was the saver), but the Financial Peace helped SO much! He's happy with the amount of money we're saving and I'm happy with the amount of money we're spending. Life is much better now. I use these forms, but I'm sure there are tons of different options out there: Useful Forms. I totally disagree with the way your DH handled the situation!
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jan 7, 2019 10:59:12 GMT
He cancelled your credit card and signed up for a debit card in your mame that he is putting a limit on? That is some real control freak/abuser shit right there. Im sorry youre going through this. ITA. You have much bigger problems right now than a stretched budget. My advice would be to get a job, but also in the meantime, to squirrel away money secretly. Ten dollars here and there, tucked into an old purse that he won't see. Start thinking of it as your own emergency fund. Because now you are literally at a point that you have to ask your husband permission to spend money, and his behavior might escalate. Who's to say what is a justified expense? Maybe those scratchy store brand tampon applicators are a few cents cheaper, so he won't give permission for you to buy plastic applicator smooth glide tampons. Maybe your kids should just stop eating so much damn fruits and veg, and tuck into an Aldi bag of chips. They're only about a dollar, after all. who the heck needs health? Honestly, I'm sorry you are going through this. Would be be open to seeing a counselor with you?
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Post by teach4u on Jan 7, 2019 11:31:06 GMT
Organic Costco chicken breasts are $30 for 16. You can get a caseb( like 60 eggs) for $7.00. I cook from scratch and feed 5 people13,17, and 18) for less than 200 by buying in bulk. Your budget is a symptom not the real problem..
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Post by hdoublej on Jan 7, 2019 15:58:28 GMT
It does sound like you guys have some major issues to work on and you've gotten some advice on that so I will stick with the budget question. We spend about $240 a week on groceries and household items. Up until this last month, there was 5 and sometimes 6 of us (DD just got married in December). I don't always spend that much each week but, I use cash, so when I have left over money, I put it back for the next week(s) in case I go over. It averages out over about a months time. I may spend $200 one week and $280 the next, depending on what we need. This also covers haircuts, field trips, eating out (which we don't do much). Once the cash is gone, it's gone and we eat out of what's in the cabinets. I will say that we don't have to buy beef because we have our own cattle and a couple times a year have a calf butchered but I do buy pork, chicken and fish, we don't eat only beef. As for the Christmas spending, we have been putting money aside each week for Christmas. Figure out how much you want to spend on Christmas and divide that by the number of months you have until you start shopping and put that much in an envelope every month for Christmas. (We do ours weekly because we are paid weekly and it's easier to do $25 a week instead of $100 at the end of the month.) When Christmas comes around, you have money already saved up and once it's gone, it's gone and you are done buying. I have to agree with those above who have said you need to do Dave Ramsey. It has made a big difference in our spending habits and made both of us realize how much things cost on a daily basis. My other suggestion would be to save your receipts so you can show your DH line by line what you are spending. Your budget isn't going to be perfect the first time you do it. It's a fluid thing that needs tweaking each month, even after you have done it for a long time. Communication is key and you guys aren't communicating. ETA-as far as entertainment.....well, we don't do much In the summer, we are heavy into baseball with DS so that is our entertainment. There isn't much to do around here, we are about an hour away from most things so we stay home most of the time. We are busy with the farm and family so I guess we are more home bodies. That is the beauty of a budget though. You both sit down and decide how much you want to spend on entertainment and that's it. There will have to be some give and take on both of your parts though.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,938
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Jan 7, 2019 16:21:37 GMT
We are a family of 4 and we spend about $120 a week. We buy cleaning supplies at the supermarket as well so that’s included. You did mention your kids have friends over often so I do think you are feeding extra people as well. You might want to change that. Also having two dogs can add lots of expenses. I do think that eating such huge amounts of red meat is not healthy at all. Try making smaller servings of meat/ fish and more pasta/rice/potatos. Carbs are not as evil as many diets claim, specially if there is no weight problem.
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Post by christine58 on Jan 7, 2019 16:25:53 GMT
He cancelled your credit card and signed up for a debit card in your mame that he is putting a limit on? That is some real control freak/abuser shit right there. Im sorry youre going through this. I am so glad I am single
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Post by scrapmaven on Jan 7, 2019 16:48:00 GMT
I noticed that you said that the $220 is given to you weekly. It's your money. I don't see it as being given to you. Instead, I see it as your dh saving you a trip to the ATM. See the difference?
Do you have a reputable financial advisor in your area? There are a lot of toads out there who just want your money. I think someone who can help you two set up a budget and work out an agreement would be ideal and very possible. He can be huffy, angry, mean, but he's just a person and you can do what you think is best despite his lousy attitude. When you begin to change he won't like it and he will get really angry and pouty, but once it becomes a habit he'll mellow out. Meanwhile, he might not change, but you can.
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pilcas
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Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Jan 7, 2019 16:52:54 GMT
I do think you need to get a job ASAP. In the end you will both be happier. Being the only bread winner in the house can be very stressing and you are a big family plus 2 dogs. Your kids are not young any more, they can start taking care of some chores around the house.
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peppermintpatty
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Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Jan 7, 2019 17:08:36 GMT
Well, that was a seriously stupid ass thing to do. When someone gets your debit number, you will be on the hook for the money until the bank sorts it out (which could be a couple of weeks). With a credit card, you are not liable and you can continue to use the card. To me it seems completely stupid to not have a credit card. You can get rewards and then just pay it off every month or you could even pay it every week if you wanted to.
What he did is controlling and I would have a huge problem with that.
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peppermintpatty
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Post by peppermintpatty on Jan 7, 2019 17:10:22 GMT
That is a lot a week. What do you buy? Even 5 pounds hamburger, a roast , tilapia, 3 mills, eggs aren’t $100. Can you shop at Costco? $100/week doesn't buy much. Especially with lots of fresh fruits and veggies.
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Post by 16joy on Jan 7, 2019 17:12:34 GMT
You see him as controlling and he sees you as a threat to the family's financial security. I'm as shocked by him cancelling the card as I am by you overspending by thousands. Quit wanting to point blame and take the budget by the horns and work it. Break down your monthly spending for the last 3 months to see exactly where your money is going.You two should sit down and talk about the money being spent. It may be time to assess money for food/eating.
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Post by mom on Jan 7, 2019 17:14:15 GMT
A couple of things I have noticed (and please take this observation in the spirit it is intended) -
1. Christmas is not a surprise expense. Do you not save for it?
2. Same thing with DS driving class. Was this an unexpected expense or did you just not save for it?
3. I think your DH can find a million ways to justify his behavior. BUT I do think you do the same. You didn't need a new vacuum - you wanted it so you did what you wanted in re: to getting it. Your DH is doing the same thing. He wants a secure retirement and is doing whatever he has to do to get it.
4. 3 lbs of meat for tacos is out of hand. Just because your kids can eat that much doesn't mean they should. While eating healthy is good - if you are not teaching them how to eat appropriate portion sizes then you are only doing half the job. And honestly? Your kids are about the age to move out - you need to be teaching them how to eat on the cheap. LOL I failed at this with my son and its been a hard time for him not being able to afford all the stuff mom used to buy (and he likes to eat). Who is going to pay for them to eat an avocado a day when they are in college? It'll add up, for sure. Honestly (and maybe I am wrong) but it seems like your kids are the ones who are deciding what you are buying. Sure, take into account what they like, but they shouldn't get a larger vote than your husband. Make some meatless meals. Start a garden for veggies. If you are cooking from scratch then your grocery bill shouldn't be this high unless you are purchasing pre-packaged food. 5. Not talking to your partner for over a week over this? Ridiculous. You are a grown up. Deal with this like a grown up. Communicate. And if you can't communicate, find someone to help you do so. Part of your job as a parent is to model being an adult and model how to handle problems.
6. Truly not my business, but if your financial health is as good as you say it is, then why are you putting so much on a credit card? is it possible you don't have a real view of what's going on financial wise? If your sons driving class had to be put on a credit card vs. not pulled from savings, I think there is a big financial problem that you might not be aware of.
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PrettyInPeank
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Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Jan 7, 2019 17:30:07 GMT
I'm wondering why it's your responsibility to make the budget? He thinks you overspend, so no matter what figures you provide on a spreadsheet, he'll think it's too much, you'll disagree, get frustrated, and the wedge will be driven deeper.
You both need to do this together. Start with getting your bank/card statements for a few months and add up expenses to back your figures up. When we did started Dave Ramsey 9 years ago, we went through statemets and were shocked to find we were spending on average $500 a month on eating out. That was maybe a restaurant once a week, and lunches while at work. So we said "let's shoot for a goal of $150" and made that our new budget.
You need to do that with grocery shopping. What are you spending on average? Let's say it's $900. Can you shoot for $700? And before anyone says that's too much, remember everyone has different incomes. Maybe it's fine for them. But maybe it's not, but that's for them to determine.
I had a friend who never admitted her husband was controlling, but he was a big saver, and every i was dotted and every t was crossed when it came to savings and retirement. We moved into her area and I asked her what her utilities were like, and she emailed me a spreadsheet of every utility for 5 years with averages etc. I was a little surprised he logged everything like that. He was that meticulous.
Anyway, she was miserable. You could tell. He'd give her an allowance like it was 1950, but expect household and children's items to come from it, too. It was sad when she'd occasionally ask our friends about our budgets because you could tell she was making realizations how unfair it was for her.
Just know controlling finances is a form of abuse. Barring someone spending their family into a crisis, what he's done is abusive. So is keeping you from working. It keeps them in control, and you as a dependent. Speaking of jobs, if you do get one, that doesn't become your personal spending cash in my opinion, and wouldn't necessarily solve the main issues. It would need to go into the pot to be shared, and you'd still be in disagreement on how to spend. Best of luck.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jan 7, 2019 17:38:57 GMT
6. Truly not my business, but if your financial health is as good as you say it is, then why are you putting so much on a credit card? is it possible you don't have a real view of what's going on financial wise? If your sons driving class had to be put on a credit card vs. not pulled from savings, I think there is a big financial problem that you might not be aware of. I think the OP said they pay the credit card off every month. If so, that's not indicative of poor financial health. There are lots of people who put everything on a card and pay it off, and they get bonus points, travel miles, etc. by using the card(s). It can actually be a smart thing to do, especially if you get major savings on travel.
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Mystie
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Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on Jan 7, 2019 18:41:31 GMT
I just want to validate you on the pile of year-end and holiday expenses that added up. My husband and I spend more in November and December than the rest of the year combined! We shop the holiday sales for big household purchases and of course Christmas adds up. The difference is that he and I do a lot of that shopping together, and he's aware of the rest. I just felt bad that you're getting dinged here for over-extending when that happens to a lot of people, and doesn't sound like a regular occurence.
Like others, I'm not sure you're going to find specific answers for your budget, and I also think the problem goes far deeper. I would try to set a grocery limit that's a little less than what you have now and just see if you can meet it for a few weeks, while making other dietary cuts as you can. If you xan't meet that limit, then you'll have the data to prove that it's unrealistic.
For entertainment expenses, I'd total up a reasonable (to you) amount of outings. Two movies a month plus one family dinner out a month, or whatever you and your kids like within reason.
But none of your budget calculations are going to work until you and your husband can start communicating. I completely understand your anger...are you willing to be the one to cave and start the conversation? Will he be willing to sit down and really look at numbers with you, treating you as an equal partner? If the answer to either of those questions is no...then I'd suggest making a line-item in your budget for therapy for yourself. It seems to me you could use a place to sort out some of your feelings about his control.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Jan 7, 2019 19:05:15 GMT
If you can afford it, it doesn’t sound to me like you are overspending - sounds like normal expenses including the normal holiday spending. I think you wanted advice about what a ‘normal’ budget outside of food is which I don’t think any of us can tell you . Yes, exactly. Want to get a feel, what would be a normal, reasonable budget. Everyone is right, we have to make our own. I guess I would like to know how much does everyone spend on entertainment per month for five? My Husband is a homebody and does not think we should really have much of entertainment budget, only because he is frugal and he just hates to part with money! He told me we should be happy doing a puzzle at home, or fishing (we live on a lake). But we can only fish so much! I like to get out once in a while! He is a "one big vacation" a year type of person and I go stir crazy. Nothing pricey...just the movies, or a good dinner once a month would do. I want to add this to the equation along with dog expense etc... and everything else. I just want to come to an agreement so we can stop all this bickering and heartache over money. I am not young! I am 50 and I am sick of it. He is the type of person, that will order the cheapest thing on the menu. He likes to go to the local coney where it has inexpensive food. Just tired of the constant penny-pinching. Then getting blamed for costs that were really not in my control (other than xmas presents). At home, he likes "good" meals and I prepare them but he has no idea how expensive it gets, no matter how much I stress it to him. The more of your responses I read, the more he sounds like my ex. He grew up with nothing and has become comfortable in life. But he still will not part with a penny (that he himself doesn’t justify) and it was a huge part of our problems. He had no problem dropping 50$ on a fishing reel or pole and calling it a present for me… But if I wanted a book, that was unreasonable. Go to the library. He would balk at paying 3.99$ for spinach, but have no problem buying 4 boxes of crackers “because they were on sale.” The junk that man bought because it’s on sale and he convinced himself it was things I liked. Ugh. We split when my son was 5, he’s now 17 and he is noticing these odd things. His dad will insist on going to an all you can eat buffet. Then he’ll basically require that the kids (three more under 7, and his wife) stuff themselves with “the most expensive things.” My son loves rice, but his dad won’t let him get it at a Chinese all you can eat. He requires them to eat just meat and crab legs (and my son doesn’t like crab legs) to “get his money’s worth.” It’s unbelievable. Same guy that buys a brand new truck every two years and pays to hunt out of state several times a year. Anyway, what ended the battle for us on groceries was I made a list of produce that was necessary. X pounds of fruit (apples/bananas/oranges) X pounds of fruit berries/something different) then X pounds of 5 types of veggies (celery, potatos, cucs, beans, squash you get the idea.) Justified it in the company of a friend of ours who is a doctor. (Insanity to have to do that.) Anyway, once that produce was on the list, he was to do the remainder of the grocery shopping. He did it for a year. We were a family of 5, and he found very very quickly that I spent much LESS on groceries than he did and we ate better (I bought what was in season, on sale, marked down etc.) He also had a ton of waste. And the “on sale” junk…. Lol we donated an entire pantry of crap the kids wouldn’t eat he bought on markdown. Anyway.. He tried to pass the chore back off on me, with his spend level rather than mine. I wouldn’t take it back. Then the deployments started and I had no choice lol. Good luck!
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Post by freecharlie on Jan 7, 2019 23:28:59 GMT
do you not track? Log into the account and see where you are? I admit to spending too much around the holidays. I also know that expenses can sneak up on you as we are having to fix ds's car and mine now needs breaks. Are you hiding what you spend from your dh? I have not tracked, the majority of the year I keep it to a very reasonable amount. I go days sometimes a week without even touching a charge card. No hiding...everything is on the charge, plus the $220 cash given to me weekly. is the cash for groceries or just for you to spend on whatever?
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Jan 8, 2019 0:07:34 GMT
No way could I feed a family of 5 on $220 a week, especially with teenage boys in the mix - and we don't eat meat or fish. It really depends on where you live, I guess. I would budget $300/week for groceries and some personal and cleaning items (I spend $70/month at another store for the rest of my personal/cleaning supplies). Entertainment is harder. We get pizza once a week ($30) for the family. DH and I go out to dinner about once a quarter (4x/year), and I have dinner with girlfriends about every other month. We go to the Philharmonic or opera ($200-300 for the two of us) about once a year, and DH goes to a couple of smaller ($25-50) concerts a year. Our family vacations consist of staying at my parents' house for a week at Christmas and two weeks in the summer. Our only vacation as a family in the last 15 years was a long weekend in the Adirondacks a couple of years ago. Also, I'm not getting all the credit card hate. I buy everything on credit cards because a) I get cash back, b) I get a statement at the end of the year that makes sorting expenses for taxes easy, and c) I don't want a scammer to clean out my bank account (as peppermintpatty said). I pay the cards off in full every month. To me, it would make more sense for your DH to get you a special credit card for the household expenses - then you could review the statement together at the end of each month until you've built up some trust with each other again.
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Post by bigbundt on Jan 8, 2019 0:17:44 GMT
Good advice so far. My husband and I discuss larger than normal purchases or those things need to be replaced, usually in the process of research. If one thinks it is too expensive, they find another cheaper one or debates whether it is an immediate need or something that could wait. But we all have our things that we value that others do not. For that my DH and I have our own accounts. A certain amount is deposited each paycheck and we can spend it anyway we want without discussion or criticism from the other. If he wants to blow it all eating lunch out everyday, fine. If I want to save up for a craft item, fine.
The other thing that really helped me with regards to groceries is making a price book. Basically a spreadsheet that breaks down prices at a standard unit (each, ounce, pound) so you can see at a glance if something is a good deal/in season/consistently cheaper at a certain store/sales cycles. Knowing your prices can really help with budget, simply setting YOUR price point. You can bob and weave with your meal planning while in the store. Like I'm not going to buy a fresh pineapple at $2.99 when I know it is it $.89 at Aldi every few weeks. I'm not buying fresh strawberries at $3.99/lb when I can get frozen/in season for <$1.50/lb. I buy yogurt in quarts for home because it is so much cheaper than in the tubes (which I will buy for their lunches). I will buy real maple syrup because it is so sweet we use much less of it than the fake stuff. If something is a good buy and freezes well, I buy more than usual and throw it in the deep freeze. Switching to Aldi has cut our grocery budget by a third easily. If you have shopped there in the past and didn't like it, just try it again. I remember shopping there years ago and not caring for it but tried it again a couple of years ago and it is fantastic. They've really stepped up their game.
And I buy most of our cleaning and health and beauty items at drugstores using their coupons and savings programs. Takes me ten minutes of my time a week and saves A LOT of money over the year.
For entertainment do any of the schools around you sell those coupon books for fundraisers? We buy one for $20 every year and get discounts and BOGOs on tons of restaurants and activities. We follow our favorite roller rinks, trampoline parks, museums, gardens on FB and they will frequently post discounts or cheap special events. Go to lunch at your favorite place instead of dinner. If you have multiple movie theaters, compare pricing between them. One of our theaters is $3 cheaper per person for a matinee and that adds up.
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Post by librarylady on Jan 8, 2019 0:30:50 GMT
Lot of good points made here.
No one mentioned that the 15 year old boy has now become one who can/will eat and EAT and EAT......and that alone can destroy a food budget.
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Post by mom on Jan 8, 2019 1:15:45 GMT
No way could I feed a family of 5 on $220 a week, especially with teenage boys in the mix - and we don't eat meat or fish. It really depends on where you live, I guess. I would budget $300/week for groceries and some personal and cleaning items (I spend $70/month at another store for the rest of my personal/cleaning supplies). Entertainment is harder. We get pizza once a week ($30) for the family. DH and I go out to dinner about once a quarter (4x/year), and I have dinner with girlfriends about every other month. We go to the Philharmonic or opera ($200-300 for the two of us) about once a year, and DH goes to a couple of smaller ($25-50) concerts a year. Our family vacations consist of staying at my parents' house for a week at Christmas and two weeks in the summer. Our only vacation as a family in the last 15 years was a long weekend in the Adirondacks a couple of years ago. Also, I'm not getting all the credit card hate. I buy everything on credit cards because a) I get cash back, b) I get a statement at the end of the year that makes sorting expenses for taxes easy, and c) I don't want a scammer to clean out my bank account (as peppermintpatty said). I pay the cards off in full every month. To me, it would make more sense for your DH to get you a special credit card for the household expenses - then you could review the statement together at the end of each month until you've built up some trust with each other again. The only reason I am against credit cards is because most people don't pay them off, every month and on time. While there are some who could do that, the reality is most people have waaaay too much credit card debt. ( and I am sure no one on 2Ps will ever admit to having an overwhelming credit card debt). I read somewhere online that like 10% of people have so much credit card debt that they dont think they will ever pay it all off. While credit cards can be a good tool for some, I do not think they are good for everyone. DH & I had to work so hard to get debt free (including our home) and *I* cannot in good conscience advise someone else to ever go down the debt path. But thats just me.
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Post by PEAcan pie on Jan 9, 2019 18:36:03 GMT
6. Truly not my business, but if your financial health is as good as you say it is, then why are you putting so much on a credit card? is it possible you don't have a real view of what's going on financial wise? If your sons driving class had to be put on a credit card vs. not pulled from savings, I think there is a big financial problem that you might not be aware of. I think the OP said they pay the credit card off every month. If so, that's not indicative of poor financial health. There are lots of people who put everything on a card and pay it off, and they get bonus points, travel miles, etc. by using the card(s). It can actually be a smart thing to do, especially if you get major savings on travel. Yes, we do pay off every month. We do not have any debt other than home/cars usual stuff. He has always been over-the-top with savings. We do send our kids to Tutor every week, plus sports/activities. I understand we have a lot of expenses to cover and after reading all the replies (thank u for them) I realize I might have been a bit Blase. Although, in my defense, I do use coupons and bargain shop as much as I can. I also do not do go over every month. Once in a while, I have an off month (not a lot over) but I did go way over at Xmas time. I did not take into account all the extras that were out of my control and I spent probably a little more than I should have on gifts. He has always been controlling and it has been "manageable" but I believe he crossed a line. The kids do eat carbs, just not a whole bunch. I do serve pasta/potatoes. My eldest plays football/basketball/lacrosse so he can eat for two and he is a health-nut, to say the least. To give an example for breakfast I made an egg casserole (8 eggs, spinach, cheese, onion) he ate the whole thing in one sitting! plus, a premier protein drink and toast. I was hoping he would save some for me! He then brings tons of veggies/fruit for snacking at School, comes home and eats chicken breasts/blueberry bagel for a snack BEFORE dinner. Being that he is in sports and gets all A's I cannot fault him for what he eats, especially if it is healthy. It just eats at the grocery bill. We still need to talk and reading the replies are really helping me to understand where we went wrong and how I should change, because I know I cannot change him. I did apply for some jobs and have not heard a thing yet:( He does like control and he is discouraging me to not work and did tell me if I do it has to go in the pot. I have been pretty depressed about it, he is also not a warm person, so I feel so disconnected right now and have cried quite a few tears. I appreciate all the responses even the tough love ones!
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Post by PEAcan pie on Jan 9, 2019 18:48:43 GMT
Yes, exactly. Want to get a feel, what would be a normal, reasonable budget. Everyone is right, we have to make our own. I guess I would like to know how much does everyone spend on entertainment per month for five? My Husband is a homebody and does not think we should really have much of entertainment budget, only because he is frugal and he just hates to part with money! He told me we should be happy doing a puzzle at home, or fishing (we live on a lake). But we can only fish so much! I like to get out once in a while! He is a "one big vacation" a year type of person and I go stir crazy. Nothing pricey...just the movies, or a good dinner once a month would do. I want to add this to the equation along with dog expense etc... and everything else. I just want to come to an agreement so we can stop all this bickering and heartache over money. I am not young! I am 50 and I am sick of it. He is the type of person, that will order the cheapest thing on the menu. He likes to go to the local coney where it has inexpensive food. Just tired of the constant penny-pinching. Then getting blamed for costs that were really not in my control (other than xmas presents). At home, he likes "good" meals and I prepare them but he has no idea how expensive it gets, no matter how much I stress it to him. The more of your responses I read, the more he sounds like my ex. He grew up with nothing and has become comfortable in life. But he still will not part with a penny (that he himself doesn’t justify) and it was a huge part of our problems. He had no problem dropping 50$ on a fishing reel or pole and calling it a present for me… But if I wanted a book, that was unreasonable. Go to the library. He would balk at paying 3.99$ for spinach, but have no problem buying 4 boxes of crackers “because they were on sale.” The junk that man bought because it’s on sale and he convinced himself it was things I liked. Ugh. We split when my son was 5, he’s now 17 and he is noticing these odd things. His dad will insist on going to an all you can eat buffet. Then he’ll basically require that the kids (three more under 7, and his wife) stuff themselves with “the most expensive things.” My son loves rice, but his dad won’t let him get it at a Chinese all you can eat. He requires them to eat just meat and crab legs (and my son doesn’t like crab legs) to “get his money’s worth.” It’s unbelievable. Same guy that buys a brand new truck every two years and pays to hunt out of state several times a year. Anyway, what ended the battle for us on groceries was I made a list of produce that was necessary. X pounds of fruit (apples/bananas/oranges) X pounds of fruit berries/something different) then X pounds of 5 types of veggies (celery, potatos, cucs, beans, squash you get the idea.) Justified it in the company of a friend of ours who is a doctor. (Insanity to have to do that.) Anyway, once that produce was on the list, he was to do the remainder of the grocery shopping. He did it for a year. We were a family of 5, and he found very very quickly that I spent much LESS on groceries than he did and we ate better (I bought what was in season, on sale, marked down etc.) He also had a ton of waste. And the “on sale” junk…. Lol we donated an entire pantry of crap the kids wouldn’t eat he bought on markdown. Anyway.. He tried to pass the chore back off on me, with his spend level rather than mine. I wouldn’t take it back. Then the deployments started and I had no choice lol. Good luck! Yes! very alike. He "discourages" the kids/I from getting anything other than water at restaurants. Very rarely do I ask for a purse/jewelry etc as gifts, he will act like it is a waste. That is why I got myself the Vacuum for Xmas, something I have wanted and I figured he would not balk. He is just so unreasonable, he says he is securing our future...but I feel like he is making us miserable. I keep hoping he will mellow out. ugh
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Post by PEAcan pie on Jan 9, 2019 18:53:39 GMT
I have not tracked, the majority of the year I keep it to a very reasonable amount. I go days sometimes a week without even touching a charge card. No hiding...everything is on the charge, plus the $220 cash given to me weekly. is the cash for groceries or just for you to spend on whatever? $220 is for groceries. Charge is for anything else such as gas, sports etc... So everything is tracked. He is the type that thinks going to the movies once every 3-4 months should be fine. Dinner out once a month is enough KWIM
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Post by scrapperal on Jan 9, 2019 19:00:02 GMT
Would talking to a financial advisor help? I have a friend who relaxed about savings after her financial advisor said she had enough to retire on without saving anymore. Of course, she continues to save, but is a little more free with her spending (going out to eat a little more often, buying clothes for herself, more weekend vacations).
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Post by mrst on Jan 9, 2019 19:23:33 GMT
I've found this fasinating. Do many different views and ideas. I've been an independent type and always earned it own money. I saw my dad control my mum and decided that wouldn't happen to me! My 1st husband left me to my own devices. He was doing a PhD when we first married so I was the earner....when he got a well paid job there didn't seem much change! In a way I was a victim of my own sucess. My 2nd husband is the exact opposite. He tracks every penny but is happy for us to spend virtually anything we want. We are both retired with a good income, I have a very healthy pension, especially for a woman of my age that had 2 children. The 2 husbands couldn't be more different with their approach to money and I must say the controlled but discussed version is far better! If you can't talk openly about money, who earns it, who spends it and on what, you need to gave a big re think about your way forward. I checked what the 2 of us spend on food ...75 euros a week on food and cleaning, 18 on booze. We eat very well. By the way, there is no way I would allow a teenager to eat that amount of food ...its ridiculous and totally unnecessary. I had a 6ft 6ins teenager playing rugby at a high level and he never came close to that!
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Jan 9, 2019 19:47:26 GMT
The more of your responses I read, the more he sounds like my ex. We split when my son was 5, he’s now 17 and he is noticing these odd things. His dad will insist on going to an all you can eat buffet. Then he’ll basically require that the kids (three more under 7, and his wife) stuff themselves with “the most expensive things.” My son loves rice, but his dad won’t let him get it at a Chinese all you can eat. He requires them to eat just meat and crab legs (and my son doesn’t like crab legs) to “get his money’s worth.” It’s unbelievable. Same guy that buys a brand new truck every two years and pays to hunt out of state several times a year. Yes! very alike.He "discourages" the kids/I from getting anything other than water at restaurants. Very rarely do I ask for a purse/jewelry etc as gifts, he will act like it is a waste. That is why I got myself the Vacuum for Xmas, something I have wanted and I figured he would not balk. He is just so unreasonable, he says he is securing our future...but I feel like he is making us miserable. I keep hoping he will mellow out. ugh Too funny! My ex also "discourages" anything besides water. My daughter still hates going to restaurants because he would get huffy if anything other than a "good deal" was ordered. It's crazy how well they train us to walk on egg shells. He also felt maternity clothes were a waste. While pregnant I got two outfits (at KMart) and the rest I wore his clothes (t-shirts.. even jeans.) He never out and out said "no" but boy oh boy did he make it obvious that it was a waste. You know what isn't a waste though? Thousands of dollars of taxidermy of animals that he paid to go shoot. Because "they will last." *one more thing I'll share- In our home, there were 3 kids. 2 were from his previous marriage, one was ours together. I also worked and earned as much money as he did. When you get a job, this likely won't change- it's likely just who he is, so you'll need to find a way to manage this, job or no job. Controlling is controlling. I'm not saying he's wrong or that you're wrong, but you will have to find a way as a couple to work through it, getting a job is not going to fix it. Anyway
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Post by hop2 on Jan 9, 2019 21:00:09 GMT
Ok 1 when I had a controlling husband I took all ‘my’ allotted money out in cash when it was due to come out. Sometimes I saved a lot on groceries and sometimes I didn’t buy I’d reserve the savings cash for when it was more. Less back n forth explaining to do. Over time I was in budget but there wouldn’t be that WTF were you over grocery budget $30 this week ‘discussions’ where he put me down & made me feel like crap. So make that trip to the bank & take out the grocery money your responsible plus whatever else he allots you and give him the 1 withdrawal receipt. It took Ex a few times asking but i would just reiterate the budget number to him when he asked where it all went. ( and no I did not have a stash of cash when we divorced the budget was reasonable but the overs & unders week by week caused too much tension. 2 holiday meals are budgeted seperately you can’t rxorct me to pull all weeks food out of a normal budget and then a rack of lamb for Christmas dinner as well
3 get your self the training or education you need for a decent stable job don’t just go take anything because if this goes further south you want to be able to care for yourself
4 hugs
As for our budget family if 4 I had $125/ week groceries including laundry soap & toiletries but nit including $40/week for meat as Ex didn’t like the quality of grocery store meat and budgeted the extra for the butcher don’t tell him it was often cheaper than the grocery store. And I had $75/ week for gas & whatever else I needed and I could use $200/month on one cc without any questions
That’s all the money I had ‘control’ over
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