momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jun 30, 2014 20:59:10 GMT
Family dynamics are so wonderful, ugh! I'll try to make it brief. Last summer when all together sister was giving unwelcome advice to my dd who was 23. There is the potential for it to happen again and with my 22 yo too! Here's the deal on the kids. 22 yo just graduated and looking for a job in the field he wants. I imagine sister may chime in with advice about a field she knows nothing about. dd is now 24. Last year she was working, has always worked at various jobs. She quit college early on and has been finding herself so to speak ever since. While I haven't always been thrilled with dd's choices, I also don't believe her Aunt should sit and badger her about what she COULD be doing! Yes this happened last year and I was not happy, I asked dd to take the dog for a walk with me and we left for a bit. So here's the issue with putting sister in her place. You cannot tell her anything without her having a major freak out fit. So if I were to call her out on it, she wouldn't speak to me and possibly if my parents didn't stick up for her them also. My parents are older and it really bothers them, and there are grandchildren she'd potentially keep from them. So putting her in her place isn't an option. So i'm looking for "nice" ways to cut off the conversation if it should happen. dd is waitressing now, she busts her butt at 2 different places, working 7 days a week. Any snappy ways to end it if she puts down dd's job? Funny aside, while sister is smart and has a good job, she's married to an unemployed alcoholic. Yes we need more advice from her
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Post by ctpea on Jun 30, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
I would do pre-family time prep with DD before it happens. I had an aunt, not as bad but would def always bother me and while my mother would stick up for me - I had to learn to do it for myself gently without hurting feelings. Help your daughter by prepping her with what options she can say to her aunt if the topic gets brought up. She could cut her off by just saying she is happy the way things are and is happy she has not only one but two jobs in this economy.
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Post by Lexica on Jun 30, 2014 21:07:28 GMT
Your last comment made me laugh out loud. I might be tempted to say something about the advice she has given her husband and ... oh wait. You said nice way. I've got nothing.
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Post by justkallie on Jun 30, 2014 21:09:21 GMT
Your daughter is 24, your son is 22. They have a voice. They should use it. If either one is bothered, they should be the one to speak up. They are the ones making choices in their lives, not you, so it really isn't your place to say anything.
I would give them the option of avoiding certain family gatherings if they become too uncomfortable, and if they choose to do so and you are pressed, then you may mention why.
Family will always be your toughest critic. It is usually what most families excel at.
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freebird
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Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jun 30, 2014 21:12:11 GMT
"Well, that's something to consider." "Thanks for thinking of me." "Have you tried the bean dip?"
All of these would include getting up immediately or turning and talking to someone else.
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marianne
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Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
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Post by marianne on Jun 30, 2014 21:15:33 GMT
doesn't have to be a confrontation, just politely walk away.
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Post by elaine on Jun 30, 2014 21:16:09 GMT
Family dynamics are so wonderful, ugh! I'll try to make it brief. Last summer when all together sister was giving unwelcome advice to my dd who was 23. There is the potential for it to happen again and with my 22 yo too! Here's the deal on the kids. 22 yo just graduated and looking for a job in the field he wants. I imagine sister may chime in with advice about a field she knows nothing about. dd is now 24. Last year she was working, has always worked at various jobs. She quit college early on and has been finding herself so to speak ever since. While I haven't always been thrilled with dd's choices, I also don't believe her Aunt should sit and badger her about what she COULD be doing! Yes this happened last year and I was not happy, I asked dd to take the dog for a walk with me and we left for a bit. So here's the issue with putting sister in her place. You cannot tell her anything without her having a major freak out fit. So if I were to call her out on it, she wouldn't speak to me and possibly if my parents didn't stick up for her them also. My parents are older and it really bothers them, and there are grandchildren she'd potentially keep from them. So putting her in her place isn't an option. So i'm looking for "nice" ways to cut off the conversation if it should happen. dd is waitressing now, she busts her butt at 2 different places, working 7 days a week. Any snappy ways to end it if she puts down dd's job? Funny aside, while sister is smart and has a good job, she's married to an unemployed alcoholic. Yes we need more advice from her She is apparently very skilled at manipulating people around her. You and your parents look for ways to avoid confronting her, while she gets to waltz through saying and doing whatever she wants. Which is more important to you? Sticking up for your kids or having your sister talking to you? I know what I'd choose. It doesn't sound like she adds a lot of positives to your immediate family (kids & dh), so why worry about her freaking out and not talking to you when you defend your kids? She he will continue to behave abusively to you, your kids, and your parents as long as you let her. Don't cater to her any more - you are contributing to her abusive behavior now. You shouldn't have to spend a nanosecond thinking about how to act to avoid setting her off.
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 19:12:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 21:23:57 GMT
I agree with a previous poster that your kids are old enough to stick up for themselves. You might want to intervene, but it's up to them if they really want her to lay off.
If it was me, I'd say,"Thanks for your concern, but my choices aren't up for discussion." And then I wouldn't discuss. At all.
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georgiapea
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Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Jun 30, 2014 21:27:19 GMT
Both your kids are adults. I'd let them know that they are free to respond to your sister in any polite adult manner they choose.
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quiltz
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Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jun 30, 2014 21:29:29 GMT
I agree with a simple, thanks for the comments. I'll take them under advisement.
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Post by slkone on Jun 30, 2014 21:37:48 GMT
"Well, that's something to consider." "Thanks for thinking of me." "Have you tried the bean dip?" All of these would include getting up immediately or turning and talking to someone else. Yep. I was going to suggest: "Thanks! I'll take that into consideration." You can always say it over and over until she gets the hint.
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purplebee
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Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Jun 30, 2014 21:37:55 GMT
Both your kids are adults. I'd let them know that they are free to respond to your sister in any polite adult manner they choose. Yep, agree with georgiapea's advice. And there's always "gee, think we'll get some rain today?" if the conversation takes a downward spiral. Good luck...
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Jun 30, 2014 21:39:37 GMT
Yup, they are adults. They need to learn this on their own... throughout life, they are going to gets tons of unsolicited and useless advice. I would say nothing and let it go. Not worth causing a rift over.
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sharlag
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Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 30, 2014 21:40:03 GMT
"Please, Auntie... would you write all of this advice down? I don't want to miss a single morsel of your wisdom!"
.... What?!?! Too sarcastic?
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 19:12:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2014 21:40:29 GMT
I'm of the opinion that they are adults and need to stand up for themselves and/or redirect the conversation if they don't like its content or direction. I don't think you should insert yourself nor do I think you should tell them how to do it. If they were 16 or even 19, maybe. But into their 20s? No. This is for them to figure out.
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Post by anxiousmom on Jun 30, 2014 21:52:11 GMT
"Well, that's something to consider." "Thanks for thinking of me." "Have you tried the bean dip?" All of these would include getting up immediately or turning and talking to someone else. Sometimes the reward is in the engagement. Comments like this are so benign that there is NO engagement and it more often than not stops the conversation. My particular favorite is "what a great idea!" with no embellishment. I think the confrontation is what people are looking for, and by taking that away, it stops the whole thing. I know that there are those who say that isn't standing up for yourself, but I think it is. I think that by NOT engaging, you are maturely stopping a conversation without escalating it.
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Post by Anna*Banana on Jun 30, 2014 23:00:05 GMT
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Jun 30, 2014 23:19:31 GMT
I have perfected the "thinking gaze" at my mother. It was uncomfortable at first, but I've got it down now. I don't say anything. I just nod my head ever so slightly while staring directly back at her. Sometimes, I might say, "hmmmm".
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Post by slkone on Jun 30, 2014 23:23:21 GMT
I have perfected the "thinking gaze" at my mother. It was uncomfortable at first, but I've got it down now. I don't say anything. I just nod my head ever so slightly while staring directly back at her. Sometimes, I might say, "hmmmm". Is it like this?
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Post by eebud on Jun 30, 2014 23:26:04 GMT
"Well, that's something to consider." "Thanks for thinking of me." "Have you tried the bean dip?" All of these would include getting up immediately or turning and talking to someone else. Sometimes the reward is in the engagement. Comments like this are so benign that there is NO engagement and it more often than not stops the conversation. My particular favorite is "what a great idea!" with no embellishment. I think the confrontation is what people are looking for, and by taking that away, it stops the whole thing. I know that there are those who say that isn't standing up for yourself, but I think it is. I think that by NOT engaging, you are maturely stopping a conversation without escalating it. I agree with all of the above. The comments should be said by the person the your sister is directing her comments to.
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Jun 30, 2014 23:36:13 GMT
I have perfected the "thinking gaze" at my mother. It was uncomfortable at first, but I've got it down now. I don't say anything. I just nod my head ever so slightly while staring directly back at her. Sometimes, I might say, "hmmmm". Is it like this? A little more nod, a lot less slow creepy smile, but the right amount of blank stare.
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NoWomanNoCry
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Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Jun 30, 2014 23:43:06 GMT
I agree with them other posters who said your adult kids should handle this. Your DD could always suggest "hey maybe I can pick Uncle XYZ up and we can look for jobs together Aunt XYZ"
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Sarah*H
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Jun 25, 2014 20:07:06 GMT
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Post by Sarah*H on Jul 1, 2014 0:03:48 GMT
Intellectually, I agree with every single thing you've said here. But emotionally, how do you get to that point with family members? Walking away is never really as easy as just walking away.
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Post by Anna*Banana on Jul 1, 2014 0:10:18 GMT
Intellectually, I agree with every single thing you've said here. But emotionally, how do you get to that point with family members? Walking away is never really as easy as just walking away. I'm going to answer what I think, though I'm not the poster of this... It's not easy. Of course it's not. But when the pain of change is less than the pain of remaining the same, it will not be that hard to follow through.
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Deleted
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Sept 16, 2024 19:12:50 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2014 0:17:04 GMT
I agree. This is the moment it happened for me.
These, spoken by your DD or DS, are also excellent ideas.
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Post by elaine on Jul 1, 2014 0:39:24 GMT
Intellectually, I agree with every single thing you've said here. But emotionally, how do you get to that point with family members? Walking away is never really as easy as just walking away. It isn't easy Sarah. As Anna said, eventually the scale tips and the pain of continuing to interact with the family member as usual outweighs the fear of what will happen if you cease to support the pattern, and you take the steps to change your part in the relationship. Maybe it will entail walking away at some point, but at this point it is really okay to just express whatever - that she is proud of how hard her kids are working and what they have accomplished and hopes her sister can feel the same - and then let the chips fall where they may. If her sister freaks out, has a fit, and stops talking to her, that is her sister's choice. One shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around a family member who explodes inappropriately. Why is the sister the most important person in the family? Why does everything have to revolve around her thoughts, opinions, wants, etc?
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Post by peasful1 on Jul 1, 2014 4:23:09 GMT
Yes I think they are adults who should stand up for themselves, but look how difficult it is for OP to stand up to her own sister. It would be difficult to stand up to someone who has always been an authority figure AND family. So it's easy to hand down that advice but very difficult for many to execute. Family makes it complicated. Hence needing to change the subject, just smile and nod or whatever the ploy rather than simply say, "Stop."
I do think changing the subject likely the best course of action.
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Post by smokeynspike on Jul 1, 2014 4:32:10 GMT
If my kids were in their early 20s, I think I would let them handle it. It shouldn't need to be a big production on your part that she is giving them advice, nor do I see why you should need to say anything at all. People give advice to others all the time, especially in family settings. There must be something else going on here that is bothering you, otherwise I don't really see the big deal.
Melissa
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M in Carolina
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Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Jul 1, 2014 4:47:35 GMT
I totally get the situation you're in, Momto4kiddos. My inlaws are in their late 70s/early 80s. I really respect my MIL. She had breast cancer and a single mastectomy without reconstruction. My FIL is constantly staring at my breasts, to the point I want to knee him in the groin so hard he'd need to swallow to get his balls to descend again. I don't do it or confront him because it would kill MIL. Sadly innocent people get hurt in some family dynamics. I think keeping the peace for elderly parents is an honourable thing to do.
My evil SIL is very jealous and was just so nasty to me when we'd be alone. Always telling me what I needed to do, etc. I just quit interacting. No response, nothing but polite chit chat. She won't even talk to me anymore unless absolutely necessary, but I can tell that my lack of response makes her so frustrated and angry. I hate the stupid advice, the head games, the competitions she wants to have. I just treat her like a troll. I don't feed her.
And the best thing is, since I'm polite, she can't tattle on me to our inlaws. I've not done anything. Drives her nuts. Just reply to her advances/questions about subjects she'll give advice about with some predetermined responses and change the subject. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I have an aunt that is sweet but drives me nuts. She freaks out about everything--like my food allergies--the entire restaurant gets to hear about how worried she is that I'm going to die right there. She worries about everything. She has driven her kids so crazy they hardly talk to her. I just smile and nod, smile and nod--and make sure to take one my anti-anxiety pills with me because she drives me up the wall.
You'll find something that works. I think a united front would be good. Dh and I don't tell BIL/SIL about anything in our lives. Ever question they ask, we say we're fine, whatever. We've learned they don't give a rat's ass about us, so we try our best not to give them any information as ammunition. They don't ask dh's parents about us, so it works well.
I'm all for getting toxic people out of your life, but not at the expense of someone you really love. I could have never cut ties with my mom when my dad was alive--because I'd have to tell him what she did to me. I couldn't do that to him. One day you can tell your sister what you really think, but I admire you for wanting to spare your parents.
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 1, 2014 4:55:20 GMT
Another one here who thinks that your adult children should handle this themselves. If they tell her to mind her own business I'd consider that a result.
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