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Post by tuva42 on Oct 1, 2014 15:30:41 GMT
Christmas is coming. Again. And once again I am thinking about our gift exchanging. I buy for over 30 people. Financially, it is not a burden, but time-wise it is. Both sides of our family are big on doing lists and sharing ideas, so I usually know what to buy people, but it takes a lot of time to shop, wrap, etc.
I need NOTHING. Really, nothing. I would really like to stop the gift exchanges with many of the adults as I know most of them need nothing either. I know lots of families draw names, but it wouldn't really reduce the number all that much as we do gift exchanges with 3 different groups of the family separately.
My problem with suggesting that we stop exchanging gifts is that my husband and I are the ones who are most comfortable financially. So I don't want to come across as cheap. At least one of the branches we exchange with are on much tighter budgets, so the gifts we give them are often very practical and useful. One SIL has a husband who adores her but is a really crappy gift buyer, so she always seems to look forward to what I buy her. Four of my nephews are married now with young families, buying their first houses, etc., so gifts to them are also very useful and practical.
I know buying gift cards makes things easier, but then aren't we just trading money with each other?
Has anyone successfully reduced their gift giving with family and not hurt people's feelings? I love all these people, they always thank me for gifts, they buy me thoughtful gifts in return even though I need nothing. Have you ever stopped buying gifts and then regretted it? I always enjoy the gift giving time we have together. Will I miss it if I don't do it?
Thank you for allowing me to whine a bit, before I suck it up and dive into the gift giving preparation again!
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peppermintpatty
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Post by peppermintpatty on Oct 1, 2014 15:42:11 GMT
My sister's and I have stopped, as of last year. It is just too hard to buy for them. Now we only buy for my nephews and I give something to my parents. Financially it just didn't seem like it was worth it to keep going. We have friends who we give gifts to their 3 girls (birthdays and holiday) and honestly, I would be fine not doing that but my friend loves to do it so I continue year after year. I don't spend more than $20 on each of them and no more than $50 on each nephew.
One sister doesn't have kids and she is not married and she is always complaining about money so she asked if we could just stop doing it. My other sister and I said fine. We didn't really care that much anyway.
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Post by littlemama on Oct 1, 2014 15:42:30 GMT
I buy for over 30 people. I know lots of families draw names, but it wouldn't really reduce the number all that much as we do gift exchanges with 3 different groups of the family separately.
If you buy for 30 people among 3 groups, wouldn't that reduce your gift load from 30 to 6? I would suggest the drawing of names in this situation.
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Post by grammyj64 on Oct 1, 2014 15:43:15 GMT
My family went the name-drawing route, so no other suggestion. That worked for us for several years.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:15:09 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2014 15:44:11 GMT
For the sil, I would either buy her something nice, just give it to her on the side.
The nephews, a house gift. Glasses , bowls and spoons are things I still need. Just make sure the glasses are all one size.
Reader's digest is a great gift.
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Post by myboysnme on Oct 1, 2014 15:44:19 GMT
I told my sister in law one year that it was OK with me if we stopped the gift exchanges, and thankfully she agreed. So we stopped buying for each other, but since she still wanted to give to my kids, I gave to her daughter and then had a little something for her from my kids. Now we don't do any gift exchanging at all.
I think you could go either way. If you enjoy it, do it. If you don't, then I think it is perfectly OK to say that you are not going to be doing the gift exchange.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 1, 2014 15:44:30 GMT
I guess I don't see gift giving as fulfilling someone's "needs". I may not "need" anything but I still like to give and receive gifts from people I care about. To me, "needs" and gifts are mutually exclusive so just because I don't need anything doesn't preclude gift giving or receiving. It's about making the person feel loved, not fulfilling their needs.
I really have no idea how you would bring this up because I can't imagine stopping gifting. Why not try doing a name draw (even though I hate those things and have to deal with one this year for the first time) to change things and limit things more towards what you want to do. Expect pushback though, because a lot of people like to give gifts. I know I'd push back because it seems to really suck the fun out of things for me.
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Post by lucyg on Oct 1, 2014 15:44:45 GMT
I think being the most financially comfortable puts you in the perfect position for suggesting it's time to cut back. They may not want to say anything because they don't want to feel cheap. The SIL who loves your gifts will enjoy buying herself a fantastic gift with the money she's saving. If it were me, I'd continue giving the nephews gifts. Either cash or something useful for the house. But I wouldn't expect anything in return. I talked about this on the other thread. It just feels weird to me to expect gifts (or at least anything more than a token) from the younger generation. With my in-laws, many years ago we used to buy for everyone. Then we went to drawing names among the adults, gifts for all the kids. Then we quit even drawing names ... no one was that interested in shopping for the adults.  I'm not sure who suggested it or if we just didn't get around to drawing names one year. Now we all give the (adult) kids cash and everyone gives my grandson, the only actual child, fun gifts. Sometimes the adult kids bring little gifts for the older people and/or each other, sometimes they don't. Not a big deal and hardly any shopping involved for me = a good thing. |
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hannahruth
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Post by hannahruth on Oct 1, 2014 15:45:15 GMT
I would just put it out there that in this economic climate it maybe better to spend that money on your own family than on lots of people just for the sake of gift giving. I'm sure you may be surprised that others will think the same way but just don't want to be the one to mention it.
When my siblings and I had young families we stopped buying for each other and the families and it is only now that we buy for each other's grandchildren. Not that they need any extra gifts. It certainly took the pressure off. Now when a grandchild reaches 18 they no longer receive gifts any more either.
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quiltz
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Post by quiltz on Oct 1, 2014 15:46:50 GMT
We used to exchange gifts to each other. The year (many years ago) that each one of us, unknowing to each other bought each other a coffeemaker, each a different brand, sealed the "no more gifts between adults". DONE!
My parents asked us years ago to stop buying them gifts, but instead have a yearly family photograph taken, very often rather informal photo except for their 50th wedding anniversary. DONE!
And as all of us had 2 children each, after a few years of this type of exchange was basically gift cards, we planned an event for the kids to do together. At Christmas each family brought their favourite table game to spend time together.
We did continue to do a "white elephant" gift exchange, but the gifts were not gag-type gifts but some fairly practical gifts. At the end of the game, the kids would pool their gifts and then decide who REALLY wanted what and they had fun with that.
I would suggest that you buy a "family gift" for the nephews who are married but not sure of the rest of the people on your list.
It is difficult to be "the one" to approach this subject, but somehow, I think that most will be in favour of stopping the gifting process.
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Peamac
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Post by Peamac on Oct 1, 2014 15:57:28 GMT
If you don't want to draw names (that's what we do), you can keep buying thoughtful useful gifts to give and let the family know that you'd prefer a donation to be made to a charity in some way for their gifts to you. Sports equipment for an inner-city kids' team, food/clothes to a homeless shelter, pet food and supplies to the local pet rescue, $$ to a charity, buy a cow for someone in Africa, etc.
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Post by auntkelly on Oct 1, 2014 16:02:33 GMT
I could probably end the gift exchange w/ my side of the family, but I could never end the gift exchange w/ my husband's side of the family. His sister's love language is definitely giving and receiving gifts. She spends way too much on gifts, but that is what she loves to do, so I just go w/ the flow and buy gifts for her and all her family members.
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smginaz Suzy
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Oct 1, 2014 16:03:44 GMT
One thing that I appreciate in my family is that no one keeps score. There are years when I send gifts and years when I don't. For me, it is all about finding the right gift for the person, which is very fun for me. So I would hate to stop the giving because of the entertainment value that I get out of it. I also give when I have the means and don't give when I don't have the means. My gifts are not typically reciprocated, and that is because my very extended family knows my love of gift-giving and I know that they are not always able to include me in their limited lists. I just get so darn giddy when I know that I have found the perfect present.
I guess this information does not help your dilemna. If you enjoy the giving, keep giving. If you hate the prepping, there are so many other ways to give gifts that don't require wrapping and don't just mean gift cards.
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Post by tuva42 on Oct 1, 2014 16:29:44 GMT
Thanks for all the advice, gives me good things to think about.
Part of the problem with drawing names is how do you decide which generation draws names and which don't? And when some of the people in the drawing already exchange with each other, how would that work? For example, with my brother's family, they have 3 sons, all married, 2 with new babies, plus my brother and his wife, and we have 2 girls in their teens and twenties. If everyone except the 2 babies drew names, then one nephew might draw his brother's name who he already exchange with on a different day. That's why that branch of the family is difficult to draw names.
We draw names with DH's 2 sisters and their husbands, so we only buy 2 gifts instead of 4 for them, but still shop for all their kids. Yes, we could stop buying gifts at 18 for those grandkids, but then 3 of the kids would open gifts that day and 3 wouldn't. Maybe the kids could start drawing names among themselves, but I'd end up doing the shopping anyway as my kids can't drive yet.
Yeah, I know, whine, whine....I do enjoy the gift giving. I adore these people. I love it when I get just the right gift and they enjoy it. Its just that it gets to be soooo many people. AND shopping for my girls and DH. AND shopping for my oldest's birthday right after Christmas. AND MIL wants to give my girls gifts and not cash, but she struggles to get out, so I do the shopping for her. Its just ads up. And so I've come here to whine!
I do enjoy hearing how you all handle it.
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Post by giatocj on Oct 1, 2014 16:31:02 GMT
On my boyfriend's side we buy only for the kids, and on my side we do a grab so it's only one gift that each of us has to buy. Works out well both ways.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 1, 2014 16:33:36 GMT
Thanks for all the advice, gives me good things to think about. Part of the problem with drawing names is how do you decide which generation draws names and which don't? And when some of the people in the drawing already exchange with each other, how would that work? For example, with my brother's family, they have 3 sons, all married, 2 with new babies, plus my brother and his wife, and we have 2 girls in their teens and twenties. If everyone except the 2 babies drew names, then one nephew might draw his brother's name who he already exchange with on a different day. That's why that branch of the family is difficult to draw names. We draw names with DH's 2 sisters and their husbands, so we only buy 2 gifts instead of 4 for them, but still shop for all their kids. Yes, we could stop buying gifts at 18 for those grandkids, but then 3 of the kids would open gifts that day and 3 wouldn't. Maybe the kids could start drawing names among themselves, but I'd end up doing the shopping anyway as my kids can't drive yet. Yeah, I know, whine, whine....I do enjoy the gift giving. I adore these people. I love it when I get just the right gift and they enjoy it. Its just that it gets to be soooo many people. AND shopping for my girls and DH. AND shopping for my oldest's birthday right after Christmas. AND MIL wants to give my girls gifts and not cash, but she struggles to get out, so I do the shopping for her. Its just ads up. And so I've come here to whine! I do enjoy hearing how you all handle it. This is how the exchange works for groups like you describe in my world on that side of the family. The name draw gift exchange is only for the Christmas Eve extended family gathering between aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc (adults out of school). The families themselves (parents and children) will still exchange between themselves at a different time. If the name drawn is your partner, then you draw again. Honestly, I hate it. I'd much rather buy for everyone. This whole arbitrary buying for one adult only and all the kids just funsucks. My side of the family is much more fun to buy for because everyone gets a gift. |
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Post by tuva42 on Oct 1, 2014 16:38:18 GMT
grinningcat - How many people do you end up buying for?
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 1, 2014 16:40:49 GMT
grinningcat - How many people do you end up buying for? Family wise? About 30 (though that number is growing this year and I'm not sure about the final count). Including friends? Probably closer to 50. |
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Post by scrapsotime on Oct 1, 2014 16:53:54 GMT
We haven't exchanged gifts with dh's family for more years than I can count, but they no longer get together at Christmas either. We stopped exchanging gifts with my side of the family several years ago after drawing names for quite a few years. It was my mother who suggested it. There were too many people who couldn't make it each year and some gifts that didn't get sent in time so there was always someone who didn't have a gift to open. It was fine for the adults, but hard on the kids.
There were several of us that were ready to be done with it all. All of us are older and most of us have several grandchildren. The list just kept getting longer. It's much easier this way. We now just have a meal and play some silly games. We all like it much better now that the pressure is off and things are simpler.
We've done other things as a family now that we are not spending money on gifts. One is that we adopted a family and bought for them. We have also bought for nursing home residents.
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Post by littlemama on Oct 1, 2014 16:55:55 GMT
In dh's family, before it grew too big and spread out to be practical, the eldest generation bought for all the kids (so dh's mom and aunts would buy for each others kids). Everyone over 18 was in the gift exchange. When someone turned 18, they could join or not - that way you don't have the issue of some "kids" getting gifts and some not.
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Post by papersilly on Oct 1, 2014 16:58:59 GMT
I've been trying to get DH to get his family to stop gift exchanging for years. not for birthdays or Christmas. there are only 2 grandchildren in the family and we can keep giving to them but as far as we adults are concerned, I think it should stop. like you OP, we need nothing, they need nothing. it's just an exchange of gift cards that are many times a hit or miss. mostly miss.
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Post by monklady123 on Oct 1, 2014 17:08:09 GMT
I guess I don't see gift giving as fulfilling someone's "needs". I may not "need" anything but I still like to give and receive gifts from people I care about. To me, "needs" and gifts are mutually exclusive so just because I don't need anything doesn't preclude gift giving or receiving. It's about making the person feel loved, not fulfilling their needs. I really have no idea how you would bring this up because I can't imagine stopping gifting. Why not try doing a name draw (even though I hate those things and have to deal with one this year for the first time) to change things and limit things more towards what you want to do. Expect pushback though, because a lot of people like to give gifts. I know I'd push back because it seems to really suck the fun out of things for me. This is an interesting reply -- I'm thinking of the "5 Love Languages" book (which I think someone else mentioned below...?) -- For me, buying me a gift isn't necessary to make me "feel loved". So for me I'd have no trouble at all in giving up gifts in this situation. I don't like the whole Christmas buying thing anyway and I have a small family, so I can't imagine doing it for 30 people!  Also, again for me, the "need" and "want" are more or less the same thing as far as gifts go. We already have too much stuff and I don't need more stuff to hang around. At the moment a few of the things I need are a new soup pot, a good can opener, and some winter boots. Something I really want, and most likely will need within a few years, is a new vehicle (ours is 2002). I don't want anyone to buy me a soup pot or can opener for Christmas, lol. And I don't expect any of them to buy me a new car.  Yeah, I'm difficult. My mother enjoys giving me money for clothes, although I wish she wouldn't. But she likes to go with me to shop, so since she enjoys that I go with a good attitude, because it's like a gift to her to go out with her. Yeah... I'm always happy when Christmas season is over and done. |
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 1, 2014 17:10:36 GMT
Once the kids started coming along, my siblings amicably agreed only to buy for the niblings (I learned a new word this week  ) and our parents. On DH's side I don't think we ever received a gift from his brother or one sister, but the second sister was a huge gift giver. Every year DH would tell her just to buy for the kids and for many years she ignored him. We only bought for her kids, not for her or her DH. Are you seeing all the people you exchange with, or mailing gifts? We don't see any family at Christmas unless they come to us so that helps as our tradition isn't to sit around opening gifts together. If anyone is visiting, there is something for them under the tree. I would just start the conversation "how do you feel about letting go of the adult gift exchange and . . . " with whoever you are closest to and see where it goes. |
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Post by eebud on Oct 1, 2014 17:31:04 GMT
We quit exchanging years ago with DH's parents. I think we all wanted to stop so we did. The first year, it did feel kind of weird but now, it is no big deal. I still buy for my dad and my mom as well as a few friends. We exchange with one of my brothers and sister-in-law if we are going to see them sometime around the holidays. If we don't see each other, we usually don't exchange. I usually visit an aunt and some cousins for a get together around Christmas and I always take goodies to share. Picking names in my family doesn't work well. We are spread out all over the country and we are not together for Christmas. We have pared our list down quite a bit. It has really been nice that we don't dwell nearly as much on the gifts anymore and instead, try to just enjoy our time together at whatever time of the year we can get together. I am definitely not saying that you can't exchange gifts and enjoy your time together but for US, I think having the pressure off to try to find the perfect gift has made the time together nicer.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 1, 2014 17:31:32 GMT
I guess I don't see gift giving as fulfilling someone's "needs". I may not "need" anything but I still like to give and receive gifts from people I care about. To me, "needs" and gifts are mutually exclusive so just because I don't need anything doesn't preclude gift giving or receiving. It's about making the person feel loved, not fulfilling their needs. I really have no idea how you would bring this up because I can't imagine stopping gifting. Why not try doing a name draw (even though I hate those things and have to deal with one this year for the first time) to change things and limit things more towards what you want to do. Expect pushback though, because a lot of people like to give gifts. I know I'd push back because it seems to really suck the fun out of things for me. This is an interesting reply -- I'm thinking of the "5 Love Languages" book (which I think someone else mentioned below...?) -- For me, buying me a gift isn't necessary to make me "feel loved". So for me I'd have no trouble at all in giving up gifts in this situation. I don't like the whole Christmas buying thing anyway and I have a small family, so I can't imagine doing it for 30 people! Also, again for me, the "need" and "want" are more or less the same thing as far as gifts go. We already have too much stuff and I don't need more stuff to hang around. At the moment a few of the things I need are a new soup pot, a good can opener, and some winter boots. Something I really want, and most likely will need within a few years, is a new vehicle (ours is 2002). I don't want anyone to buy me a soup pot or can opener for Christmas, lol. And I don't expect any of them to buy me a new car. Yeah, I'm difficult. My mother enjoys giving me money for clothes, although I wish she wouldn't. But she likes to go with me to shop, so since she enjoys that I go with a good attitude, because it's like a gift to her to go out with her. Yeah... I'm always happy when Christmas season is over and done. I love celebrating others through gift giving, so it's hard to understand not wanting to gift or being gifted. I also don't understand the whole "we have too much stuff and it's a burden to get more stuff" thought process (I am by no means a minimalist... that's probably obvious). That said, a lot of gifts from me are experiences or things they can do rather than stuff... it's all tailored to the person in question. I don't just give things to give things. I don't know. I just don't see how gifting is such a horrible thing. I guess I've been lucky that I've had good experiences with giving. I might feel differently if I had bad experiences. |
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marimoose
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Post by marimoose on Oct 1, 2014 17:33:52 GMT
I would just put it out there that in this economic climate it maybe better to spend that money on your own family than on lots of people just for the sake of gift giving. I'm sure you may be surprised that others will think the same way but just don't want to be the one to mention it. This is exactly how I felt and I was the meanie who put my foot down. They did follow suit but I think weren't thrilled at first. I was the one having to purchase and wrap all the gifts for both sides of the families, our children. my dh's older children, his co-workers and it was too much both financially and physically. It is hard to enjoy the process, not to mention the end result when you start to resent all that it takes. That is giving for all the wrong reasons. I mentioned in a prior post that I now prefer to give a gift to those outside of my children, for no reason other than I found something that I know will bring a smile to the recipients face. I don't need a date to tell me when to give nor do I need/want to keep tabs on being even in the gift area. If you truly feel that you need to give something, make a donation in your family members name to those who really could benefit from the gift. I would like that more than another wrapped present much of the time. BTW - I dislike gift cards too. You need to do what feels right for you and they will come around and not to be mean, but if they don't understand then maybe they are in the gift giving exchange for the wrong reasons. Gifts do not make Christmas. They are only one aspect of it. |
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 1, 2014 17:37:47 GMT
One year I told DH the only thing I needed was a vacuum, but he refused to be the guy that bought his wife a vacuum for Christmas  . These days, time together is the best possible gift so planning a weekend away or getting tickets to an event are what we usually go with because we buy the things we do need when we need them. I know gift giving is so different from person to person. My dad gives us a 5 item list and the only mystery is who gets him the gardening gloves, socks, record player needle, hankerchiefs or manicure kit. My MIL flipped when she found out I was only buying my dad gardening gloves, and begged my DH to get something more because she was so embarrassed. My dad was thrilled to get exactly what he asked for  . |
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Post by tuva42 on Oct 1, 2014 17:39:47 GMT
Oh, I don't think gift giving is a horrible thing at all. I just feel like I spend soooo much time dealing with it because we exchange with these three branches of the family. It's just overwhelming.
So far, we've been lucky enough to see almost every family member over the holiday season, so we do exchange gifts in person, rather than mailing.
I'm wondering if part of the problem is that all of our families are list makers. We tell each other the things that are on our wish lists and we all tend to shop from those lists and of course, coordinate with each other so we don't duplicate gifts which is even more work. I might enjoy it more if I just bought them what I wanted to buy them. Chia pets, chia pets for all!
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Post by scrapsotime on Oct 1, 2014 17:40:11 GMT
I just added up my side of the family. I am one of 5 children. Not counting our children and grandchildren, I would be buying for about 60 people. I don't even want to count up dh's side. he is the oldest of 9 children. That would be a ridiculous amount of people to buy for. I'm so glad we don't have to even think about it.
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Post by scrapbookwriter on Oct 1, 2014 17:51:13 GMT
It just so happens that DH and two of his siblings married the same year. That first Christmas we tried buying small gifts for everyone, but we were all poor and it was a stretch. FIL organized a name draw the next year with an upper limit on how much we would spend. That went well and continued for many years.
When we all started having kids, we organized a name exchange among the children. For the adults, we had a white elephant gift exchange. We have had a lot of fun with that. Some of the gifts are silly (the Berretta TV series on video tapes?), but most tend to be practical as well (toilet paper and plunger).
We all still buy for MIL. Some years we go in on a gift for her. Most years we buy as couples. We started giving her Fruit of the Month from Harry and David and she loves it. She calls DH with great excitement every time a package arrives.
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I'm not sure who suggested it or if we just didn't get around to drawing names one year.
) and our parents. 
. These days, time together is the best possible gift so planning a weekend away or getting tickets to an event are what we usually go with because we buy the things we do need when we need them.
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