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Post by teach4u on Feb 16, 2019 22:01:26 GMT
I'll preface this with stating that I'm fortunate not to have experienced this first hand.
Do you personally feel acknowledgments are polite or unnecessary when extended family/friends/coworkers make a sizable gift ($100+) in the deceased's name?
I'm speaking about gifts given by relatives of inlaws, etc.
If you sent thank you's, replies, did you extend to siblings of inlaws?
Asking for a friend. Are etiquette/expectations different in times of loss? As I said, I have lost a family member, but didn't deal with the cards, etc.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390 
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Post by peaname on Feb 16, 2019 22:03:52 GMT
Gifts should always be acknowledged but if there’s ever a time where grace is appropriate it’s after the loss of a loved one. I’ve offered to handle thank you for people. There are preprinted cards you can get from the funeral home that make it easy.
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Post by myshelly on Feb 16, 2019 22:08:56 GMT
I believe thank yous are common. That’s why the funeral joke gives you thank you notes.
Everytime I’ve been involved with a family member passing, the funeral home has given us a list of flowers and donations, who sent them, and their address to ease the process of sending thank yous.
I don’t understand the second part of your question about “extending to siblings of in laws”. If you’re going to write thank you notes you would write them to everyone who sent something. Why would it matter who they are? You aren’t writing notes based on who they are, you’re writing notes based on who sent something.
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Post by mom on Feb 16, 2019 22:15:03 GMT
I am old fashioned but I think if anyone makes a donation/gift in my loved ones name, then yes, they need a thank you. If its my co-workers sending a gift in memory of my in-laws, then I would write the thank you.
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Post by mustlovecats on Feb 16, 2019 22:16:33 GMT
I think an acknowledgment is always appropriate, but I also know that around the time of a death sometimes some people are in no state to manage those expectations and that is okay.
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Post by SockMonkey on Feb 16, 2019 22:17:33 GMT
When we have had family members pass, we send thank you notes to everyone who attended the services OR sent a card, regardless of donation. So, yes, I believe a thank you note is in order. It doesn't need to be right away. But I think it should happen.
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Post by marzbar71 on Feb 16, 2019 22:57:40 GMT
We got a list of people who donated to the memorial but not amounts. We sent thank you notes to everyone who donated and to anyone who brought food by the house. We did not send notes to people who sent cards, but I know some who have. We had thank you notes in our funeral home package with the guest book, etc. We ran out and they were happy to give us some more.
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Post by littlemama on Feb 16, 2019 23:08:44 GMT
When my fil passed away, I wrote thank you notes to anyone who donated to the charity or sent flowers or food. (I gave my brothers in law thabk you notes and the floral cards for their people. So, those folks probably did not get thank you notes- we all live in different parts of the state and I had no idea who their people were.) I did not write thank yous to the people who came to the service.
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Post by freecharlie on Feb 17, 2019 0:36:07 GMT
I think i would write them, but I wouldn't judge someone who didn't.
I also think those who are more prepared due to age of the deceased or chronic condition may be more prepared to write than someone who loses a child or someone in a sudden situation
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Post by bc2ca on Feb 17, 2019 2:40:41 GMT
I'll preface this with stating that I'm fortunate not to have experienced this first hand.
Do you personally feel acknowledgments are polite or unnecessary when extended family/friends/coworkers make a sizable gift ($100+) in the deceased's name?
I'm speaking about gifts given by relatives of inlaws, etc.
If you sent thank you's, replies, did you extend to siblings of inlaws?
Asking for a friend. Are etiquette/expectations different in times of loss? As I said, I have lost a family member, but didn't deal with the cards, etc.
Anyone who makes a donation gets a thank you, IME. That being said, it isn't unusual in DH's extended family for cards/flowers/donation to come from the grandparents on behalf of their adult children and grandchildren. I would only send a thank you to them, not to the individual adult children unless we received a separate card from them. |
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snyder
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Posts: 4,084
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Post by snyder on Feb 17, 2019 2:53:08 GMT
I'll preface this with stating that I'm fortunate not to have experienced this first hand.
Do you personally feel acknowledgments are polite or unnecessary when extended family/friends/coworkers make a sizable gift ($100+) in the deceased's name?
I'm speaking about gifts given by relatives of inlaws, etc.
If you sent thank you's, replies, did you extend to siblings of inlaws?
Asking for a friend. Are etiquette/expectations different in times of loss? As I said, I have lost a family member, but didn't deal with the cards, etc.
Anyone who makes a donation gets a thank you, IME. That being said, it isn't unusual in DH's extended family for cards/flowers/donation to come from the grandparents on behalf of their adult children and grandchildren. I would only send a thank you to them, not to the individual adult children unless we received a separate card from them. I agree. One could also address the thank you to the main person and then add, and family or and cousins, or and siblings, or whatever fits in your scenario. |
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milocat
Drama Llama
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Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
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Post by milocat on Feb 17, 2019 2:54:55 GMT
I agree with ours if there is a time to get away with not writing notes it's now. If you have everyone's addresses then do it. I think a donation of all sizes should be thanked, or none. $20 might be a large amount to some people and $100 could be not much to others.
When my MIL passed recently put a thank you in our small town newpaper. Thank you to the first responders, those who brought food and flowers, those who made donations in her honour and for everyone who supported us.
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Post by 950nancy on Feb 17, 2019 4:54:54 GMT
Perhaps they can get a friend to write some of the notes on behalf of the family. I think it is important to acknowledge that the donations were received.
When my MIL passed away at Christmas several years ago, all of the siblings were at the hotel where everyone spent 2-4 days. The night of the funeral, all of the siblings and a couple other relatives all sat down with a big pack of thank you notes. They wrote them all out and some people looked up the addresses. They were all sent the following day. It was a good way to spend some time together (without their spouses and kids) and talk about good times as well as get the notes written. They were quite relieved to have them all written before they traveled back home.
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Post by jenjie on Feb 17, 2019 4:59:44 GMT
Anyone who makes a donation gets a thank you, IME. That being said, it isn't unusual in DH's extended family for cards/flowers/donation to come from the grandparents on behalf of their adult children and grandchildren. I would only send a thank you to them, not to the individual adult children unless we received a separate card from them. I agree. One could also address the thank you to the main person and then add, and family or and cousins, or and siblings, or whatever fits in your scenario. This is a good compromise I think. I believe this was the question in OP. If there was a group gift, per se, do you thank them as a group or individually? |
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Post by Legacy Girl on Feb 17, 2019 6:14:56 GMT
Sort of a spin-off, but I've always wondered....do the charities actually indicate to the family how much a donor donates? I've often wanted to make a small donation (when our budget was extra tight), but was embarrassed to do so for fear it might seem insulting to the memory of the deceased.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Feb 17, 2019 15:56:21 GMT
Thank yous are always appropriate for everyone that donated or sent flowers. Typically the task of sending thank yous is delegated to other family or friends, not the immediate next of kin (i.e. spouse/child/parent). For example when my FIL died I helped send thank yous. We did not expect my MIL to do it.
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Post by nlwilkins on Feb 17, 2019 17:39:36 GMT
As a side note, it used to be that dishes should be returned in person. Now days people bring food in disposable dishes. But it used to be the widow that returned the dishes. It was a way to get her out of the house and a signal that she was ready to face the world again. It kind of breaks the ice after such a traumatic event. To me thank you notes are something of the same. It is a kind of reaching out and starting to live again.
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Post by lisae on Feb 17, 2019 19:08:08 GMT
Why would you send a thank you to some people and not to others? Why does it matter how they are related? I sent thank yous to anyone who made a donation in my father's memory, sent flowers/plants or sent food. I can't think of a time that I did not receive a thank you for a sympathy gift.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,587
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Post by Just T on Feb 17, 2019 20:58:39 GMT
Sort of a spin-off, but I've always wondered....do the charities actually indicate to the family how much a donor donates? I've often wanted to make a small donation (when our budget was extra tight), but was embarrassed to do so for fear it might seem insulting to the memory of the deceased. I work for a non-profit that receives a large number of memorial donations, and we never tell the family how much a person donated. The person who donated receives a letter with the amount they donated so they can use it for tax purposes, and the family receives a letter that only gives the name of the person who donated. We recently worked with a funeral home who handled donations in memory of a family they worked with, and they also did not tell the man's family how much each person donated, only gave them a list of names.
Hope that helps!
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Post by disneypal on Feb 17, 2019 21:02:14 GMT
Whenever I have made a contribution in someone's name (usually because they requested donations instead of flowers), I have always received a thank you note.
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Post by librarylady on Feb 18, 2019 0:35:48 GMT
I think this is what is giving you difficulty. I know similar things have happened in my family. Example: sister died and the 5 cousins from family xyz sent one large bouquet.
We sent individual notes to the cousins because they lived in separate households.
If the arrangement came from coworkers, then I sent a group thank you to the workplace. I hope they shared the thank you note.
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Post by librarylady on Feb 18, 2019 0:38:46 GMT
That has always been my experience. However, last spring we sent a donation to a place--that never told his widow. The organization never acknowledged our gift other than to cash the check. Last month they sent a letter we can use for tax purposes. I am still angry that they did not tell his widow. After several months, I did tell her.
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moodyblue
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Posts: 6,200
Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Feb 18, 2019 1:53:42 GMT
Sort of a spin-off, but I've always wondered....do the charities actually indicate to the family how much a donor donates? I've often wanted to make a small donation (when our budget was extra tight), but was embarrassed to do so for fear it might seem insulting to the memory of the deceased. I work for a non-profit that receives a large number of memorial donations, and we never tell the family how much a person donated. The person who donated receives a letter with the amount they donated so they can use it for tax purposes, and the family receives a letter that only gives the name of the person who donated. We recently worked with a funeral home who handled donations in memory of a family they worked with, and they also did not tell the man's family how much each person donated, only gave them a list of names.
Hope that helps!
The funeral home we deal with gives the family the donation envelopes and we open and send them along, so yes, I know how much everyone gave. Some people made the check payable to me rather than the listed organization, and some people give cash and write on the envelope that it’s to be used as the family wishes. If someone donates directly to the organization and not by leaving it in the box at the funeral home we usually get some kind of acknowledgment of that, but it’s too soon yet for that this time. |
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twinsmomfla99
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Posts: 4,015
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Feb 18, 2019 4:03:04 GMT
Perhaps they can get a friend to write some of the notes on behalf of the family. I think it is important to acknowledge that the donations were received. When my MIL passed away at Christmas several years ago, all of the siblings were at the hotel where everyone spent 2-4 days. The night of the funeral, all of the siblings and a couple other relatives all sat down with a big pack of thank you notes. They wrote them all out and some people looked up the addresses. They were all sent the following day. It was a good way to spend some time together (without their spouses and kids) and talk about good times as well as get the notes written. They were quite relieved to have them all written before they traveled back home. We did something similar when my Dad passed. First, we divided up the list so that each of us kids responded to those in our circle of friends who made donations, sent flowers, or provided food. Mom was recovering from surgery when he died suddenly, and she wasn’t up to writing a lot of notes, but she picked out some that she wanted to respond to personally, and we took care of the rest. |
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suzastampin
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Post by suzastampin on Feb 18, 2019 4:22:51 GMT
All gifts should be acknowledged. That said, when my mom passed we asked for donations to the rescue squad instead of flowers. When we asked them for a list of names who donated, they didn't have one for us. We were mortified to think we had no way of knowing who had sent contributions and who we should be sending thank you cards to. So, if you are thinking you should have received a card but didn't, there might be a legitimate reason why.
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mvavw
Full Member
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Jun 25, 2014 20:21:43 GMT
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Post by mvavw on Feb 18, 2019 5:01:13 GMT
Sort of a spin-off, but I've always wondered....do the charities actually indicate to the family how much a donor donates? I've often wanted to make a small donation (when our budget was extra tight), but was embarrassed to do so for fear it might seem insulting to the memory of the deceased. I work for a non-profit that receives a large number of memorial donations, and we never tell the family how much a person donated. The person who donated receives a letter with the amount they donated so they can use it for tax purposes, and the family receives a letter that only gives the name of the person who donated. We recently worked with a funeral home who handled donations in memory of a family they worked with, and they also did not tell the man's family how much each person donated, only gave them a list of names.
Hope that helps!
I work for a synagogue and this is how we handle it too. Before I started working there, they had a volunteer handling those letters and there was a much longer turnaround time than there is now. |
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Post by anniefb on Feb 18, 2019 17:12:56 GMT
I sent a thank you card to everyone who sent flowers or other gifts at the time my Mum passed away.
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Deleted
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Jul 5, 2024 5:30:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2019 17:20:16 GMT
If possible, all gifts should be acknowledged. We recently received a preprinted thank you card with a message thanking everyone for their support during such a difficult time. It was nice knowing that they appreciated our presence, thoughts and/or gifts.
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Post by Fidget on Feb 18, 2019 17:48:46 GMT
We send thank you notes to everyone regardless of whether they made a monetary donation, sent flowers, simply came to visitation or even those who sent a sympathy card in the mail. It's just how we were taught (we being both DH and I). I will say it doesn't bother me when I don't receive a thank you, I realize it can be a difficult task. When DH's father passed ( some 15+ years ago) one of the things that stands out to me was a sympathy card with several books of stamps inside, so thoughtful and useful.
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Post by utmr on Feb 19, 2019 1:16:09 GMT
Thank you notes for all gifts, flowers and food. A group floral arrangement (work, for example) the TY goes to the top person (big boss, or matriarch of family group, etc). Dear boss, thank you and your group for the lovely flowers, Dear Mrs Jones, thank you to you and your family for the generous gift in memory of Mother, etc.
There’s no excuse for not sending thank you notes. There just isn’t. If the widow is ill or injured, the children can divide up the notes. It doesn’t require any great prose and the funeral home generally provides the cards and stamps. “Dear —-, thanks you for the —-, it was a great comfort, from the family of ——“. A grandchild with nice penmanship can address the envelopes and even write some of the notes.
Climbing down off my soapbox now.
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