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Post by iamkristinl16 on Feb 26, 2019 18:04:46 GMT
I'm pretty sure I posted about this a few years ago, but the issue has resurfaced and I can't find the old thread.
MIL sent a text a few weeks ago saying that she wants to come this summer (She lives in NYC, we live in MN) and she wants to throw a surprise party for DH. I am not sure the exact dates, what the event is (may be around his birthday in July?), who she wants to invite, etc. But the way it seems to be shaking out (as it did two years ago, but then she didn't end up coming at all) that she basically wants me to plan the party and keep her visit a secret. She will pay for it, but I have to do everything else for the party, including cleaning the house and getting ready for her visit without any help from the rest of the family. What would the peas do in this situation? I get that she doesn't live here and it is difficult to plan something when you aren't close by, but I also don't think it is fair for me to have to plan this whole thing (and relay any info to her, which adds more time and confusion).
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:06:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2019 18:10:17 GMT
Just NO. No surprise party. She can visit but her coming won't be a surprise at all. I expect the family to help get the house ready for guests. Period. Unless she is planning to pay a house cleaning company to come clean... and even that would need an explanation to my spouse.
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Post by Basket1lady on Feb 26, 2019 18:10:51 GMT
I'd probably go with it, but tweak the idea. "Great, MIL! It will be so good to see you. But it would be impossible for us to keep your visit a surprise. Plus, I wouldn't want to deny DH the pleasure of anticipating your visit."
I don't like cleaning for guests, but I'm always glad when it's done because the house looks so nice. And I like hosting people. If that's not your thing, have the party elsewhere. I'd probably invite family and close friends, under the guise of seeing MIL. You can surprise your DH with a cake. That way you don't have the stress of keeping the party a surprise, but your DH will get the surprise of a cake. Win, win.
I'd tell her to let you know her flight info and then send out invites. That way you know she really is coming before you commit to having a party.
In no way would I agree to keeping her visit a surprise. No way. Too much stress and to carve out that time in a busy summer with kids? NO way.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:06:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2019 18:14:41 GMT
I need somebody in Montana to be my party planner.
Searching for a venue is the pits when you are not in the town to see what is there.
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Post by pierkiss on Feb 26, 2019 18:20:38 GMT
I would either flat out tell her no, or tell her yes but only if it is at a restaurant or bar.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Feb 26, 2019 18:20:39 GMT
Does your DH like surprises? Would a visit from mom and a party be his idea of a good time? If so, go with the plan, but if it isn't his thing, then break the news to MIL.
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Post by bc2ca on Feb 26, 2019 18:20:49 GMT
So the big surprise of the surprise party is his mom showing up?  How does your DH usually want to celebrate his birthday? Is he a surprise party kind of guy? I think I'd go along as far as having a party for him, that he knows about and is involved in the guest list and prepping the house. Let his mom arriving be the only surprise. |
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Feb 26, 2019 18:21:19 GMT
Give her the local caterers info and tell her to let you know which one she hires.
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NoWomanNoCry
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Feb 26, 2019 18:27:11 GMT
I would do it in a heartbeat because I enjoy planning this type of stuff and for it to be on someone else’s dime is even better..plus at the end of the day it’s for your DH and that’s what would matter most to me.
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Feb 26, 2019 18:31:16 GMT
I’d compromise and book dinner at a restaurant.
I don’t think I’d be happy keeping the whole visit a secret. That seems over demanding and an unreasonable expectation of you.
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Post by mikklynn on Feb 26, 2019 18:33:52 GMT
I agree with the others. Tell her you can't keep her visit a secret.
That is way too stressful.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Feb 26, 2019 18:37:14 GMT
I don't think I could do that.
Perhaps tell MIL that dh would be gifted twice with the anticipation of her visit, and her actual visit, and you wouldn't want to rob him of it.
😁
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Anita
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Post by Anita on Feb 26, 2019 18:37:17 GMT
Meh, I'd probably do that for her/with her, but only if my DH liked surprises.
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peabrain
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Post by peabrain on Feb 26, 2019 18:40:03 GMT
I'm pretty sure I posted about this a few years ago, but the issue has resurfaced and I can't find the old thread. MIL sent a text a few weeks ago saying that she wants to come this summer (She lives in NYC, we live in MN) and she wants to throw a surprise party for DH. I am not sure the exact dates, what the event is (may be around his birthday in July?), who she wants to invite, etc. But the way it seems to be shaking out (as it did two years ago, but then she didn't end up coming at all) that she basically wants me to plan the party and keep her visit a secret. She will pay for it, but I have to do everything else for the party, including cleaning the house and getting ready for her visit without any help from the rest of the family. What would the peas do in this situation? I get that she doesn't live here and it is difficult to plan something when you aren't close by, but I also don't think it is fair for me to have to plan this whole thing (and relay any info to her, which adds more time and confusion). Yeah, how do you normally celebrate? Is this a big number year for him? I would just plan to go out to dinner with the family and then "Surprise!" (gramma) Cake, presents, (shut your pie hole gramma) go home. If his best buddy showed up or a couple you hang out with or something great but otherwise, Happy Birthday! |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 26, 2019 18:41:06 GMT
If my DH is the type would like a surprise party (mine isn't) then I would plan one. If I wasn't the kind of person who likes hosting in my house (I do) then I would tell her it needs to happen at an outside venue. And I would get a few cost estimates and let her know what they are.
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Post by GamGam on Feb 26, 2019 18:45:28 GMT
Plan it for a restaurant. It doesn’t have to be elaborate.
My DS and I have the same birthday, and a couple of years ago, I wanted to surprise him and have a meal together. We live 200 miles apart, so I ask my DDIL to plan it for me, and she made it so special!! He went to a nice restaurant after work thinking he was meeting her for dinner. All the staff at the restaurant was in on the secret, and DS was having a drink and “deep conversation “ with the bartender. He was turned in such a way that He could not see me as I entered the restaurant and walked up to him and gave him a kiss. DDIL and DH had their cameras ready. I still Treasure that moment so much! And my gratitude to my DDIL for making the arrangements still warms my heart.❤️
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Post by workingclassdog on Feb 26, 2019 18:46:59 GMT
I don't think the 'surprise' part on mom showing up is a biggie. If she would agree to paying for all of it at a restaurant or some kind of venue, then I would probably do it if it was me. If DH hates things like this, I would maybe try to sway her to maybe just show up as the surprise and just have a little family event.
My sister and I threw a surprise party for our mom who turned 70 (OMG that was 10 years ago!!).. Imagine this! I live in Colorado, mom lives in Oklahoma and my sister lived in Missouri. Talk about some serious planning. LOL...
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Feb 26, 2019 19:09:16 GMT
A restaurant wouldn’t be too bad. Not much planning to go into that. Last time she wanted to have a Dj, catering, decorations, everyone wear white, etc.
It’s one thing to plan a party, it’s another to try to do it to someone elses’s specifications when you don’t really know what they want.
I hadn’t thought about it before, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it really is all about wanting the surprise to be her showing up. She has a way to make things all about here.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Feb 26, 2019 19:29:47 GMT
I would say dh has expressed an interest to have a dinner out - whether just family or a few close couple friends included. I’d try to book somewhere that does a nice set menu family style. That way you can give her the cost. Her visit can be the surprise.
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TheOtherMeg
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Post by TheOtherMeg on Feb 26, 2019 19:31:25 GMT
Well, my DH would dislike a party in his honor, and would HATE a surprise party, so I'd have to tell him about the visit. That would be a no-brainer.
Then he would have to decide if he wanted a party for his mom's sake. The answer to that would decide what to do about whatever plans his mom wanted. My guess would be he'd manage to get through a dinner at a restaurant if his mom couldn't be talked out of this.
DH is a nice guy, but not a party dude. It's great, though, because he either doesn't want to come with (so I go and have fun with sibs/friends) or he comes, happily finds a quiet spot or another non-partier, and is designated driver. win-win
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Post by mom on Feb 26, 2019 19:35:51 GMT
Well since she tried this once (and canceled) I am going to bet the same thing happens again. I would plan a party at a restaurant. The worse thing that can happen is you have a dinner out that MIL paid for. Or she doesn't come.
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NoWomanNoCry
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Feb 26, 2019 19:37:34 GMT
Ok the making everyone wear white would send me one the edge lol
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Debbie
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Post by Debbie on Feb 26, 2019 20:06:26 GMT
Coming from a person that loves giving surprise parties, I would do it in a heartbeat. I have enjoyed surprising my family and the look on their faces were over-the-top awesome.
Don’t do it for you MIL, do it because he is your husband.
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Post by littlemama on Feb 26, 2019 20:07:29 GMT
It isn't her place to plan a surprise party for your husband. It hasn't been her place since he got married.
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Feb 26, 2019 20:43:18 GMT
Hell no.
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Post by destined2bmom on Feb 26, 2019 21:24:53 GMT
Well, I would first book a cleaning crew and put it on her dime. Then plan the party wherever you want to have it. That way she gives both of you a gift!  |
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Feb 26, 2019 21:40:49 GMT
Seems like she wants "his birthday" party to really be more about her.
I'd say no to the big surprise of her coming. How are you going to explain scrubbing the house from top to bottom days before his birthday? He's not that dumb.
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Post by cmpeter on Feb 26, 2019 23:33:34 GMT
I’d be happy to help my MIL out and I know my dh would appreciate a surprise party and visit. I would try and keep it more on the simple side and be honest with her. Yes, I can book a restaurant and invite local friends/family. No, I can’t book a dj or host at home...just figure out what you have the bandwidth for.
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Post by LilyRose on Feb 26, 2019 23:58:01 GMT
Unless you have multiple husbands, that would make this the MIL who wanted a whole to-do over her (months after the fact) retirement party, correct? The one that she scheduled at the exact time your husband told her would not work for your family? The one who wanted to make a grand entrance at said party? And also the MIL who has told the kids she was coming to visit for multiple summers, but never actually did?
If not for those points, I might have a different answer. But I think she’s going to turn this into something about herself, not your husband. Or, are you going to plan this party only to have her bail out in the end? If I did anything, it would be to assist her in planning a meal at a restaurant for a few close friends and family. On her nickel.
And I’m dying to know what happened with the retirement party. I checked the old thread and last I saw, husband didn’t even want to fly out alone to attend.
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kate
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Post by kate on Feb 27, 2019 0:03:33 GMT
I'm all for planning dinner at a restaurant, with Mom as the "Big Surprise.' No DJ, no dress code, nunnathat...
My only caveat would be that if she cancels, you might be on the hook for the dinner cost.
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