zella
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Post by zella on Mar 2, 2019 1:28:51 GMT
First let me say this: I am not leaving my husband. It's not an option. Neither is couples counseling. I will get into counseling as soon as I can find someone.
So we go back and forth between having a great time and being very affectionate, and having yelling fights.
Last night we were cuddling in my bed(we can't sleep in the same bed in the RV), I said something he didn't like, and he told me "You're not going to make it to the new house." That is, the house we close on on MONDAY. It came out of nowhere. I am still very, very hurt. But if I say anything, he'll just get super defensive and angry at me.
Now tonight. We went out to dinner, the three of us (younger DD too). DH has trouble seeing at night; he's told me this. He wanted to make a left turn onto a major road. He pulled into the middle. Fine. He then proceeded to pull out DIRECTLY into the path of a coming car. I saw it clear as day. I yelled, he braked, the other driver thank goodness was aware, braked, honked (rightly so) and pulled around us. DH then pulls out behind that car, but there was another car far too close. He should have waited. He didn't even see it.
I asked him if he wanted me to drive at night and he made a snarky comment suggesting I was a worse driver than him.
Then we were at a traffic light, and when it turned green the truck ahead of us couldn't move. I looked in the mirror as I frankly didn't trust DH to see if anything was coming. He then yelled at me for blocking his view, and he could have moved over if I wasn't in the way. Actually, no, there were cars coming, fairly close and fairly fast. I got reamed for yelling, reamed for being in the way.
I asked our DD about it when we were alone. She said we're both irritable (2+ months in a smallish RV can do that to you), but that it's 90% DH.
I am at the end of my rope with him and he has no clue. Because I can't talk to him. Because he ALWAYS becomes defensive and turns it around to being my fault. I'm the only reason we didn't have a BAD car accident tonight, but I'm the problem.
What do I do? I have no one to talk to right now, quite literally. As I said, I'll get in counseling as soon as I can, hopefully this month, but I have no IRL friends here, no family I can talk to, no one. So I'm coming here for help. Please be kind. I'm truly happy here, and I was so so happy about the house, and now I feel that's tainted. I don't know. How do I deal with this man? Do I insist on driving at night or I won't go with him? He doesn't have nearly as many issues during the daylight hours. How do you talk to someone who is incapable of hearing criticism at all?
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Post by scrapqueen01 on Mar 2, 2019 1:35:10 GMT
With the recent cross country move, house shopping, etc. could he be stressed or overwhelmed?
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Post by SweetieBugs on Mar 2, 2019 1:35:45 GMT
I'm sorry you have this issue. My husband's driving scares me to death so bad that now I have to do all the driving when we go anywhere. I think a lot of it is probably from all of the stress you both have been under the past several months. You have had well over 3 months if not more of some pretty top of the list "life stressers". Has he always been this way or is it more recent?
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Post by peasapie on Mar 2, 2019 1:52:48 GMT
Is this ongoing or just recently? Sometimes stress (like closing on a new house) can put people over the edge...
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Deleted
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Sept 30, 2024 7:33:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2019 1:55:13 GMT
The first thing I"d do is start arranging life so there is no need to be out at night. Make sure there are groceries in the RV, suggest delivery instead of going out. Getn an early start on the day so everyone is ready to go to bed early instead of thinking of things to do out driving around.
Then start talking to a therapist on how to deal with him from there.
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Post by chaosisapony on Mar 2, 2019 1:58:08 GMT
After 2 months of living on top of each other in an RV I bet most people would be on their last nerve.
I'm confused by this part though ""You're not going to make it to the new house." That is, the house we close on on MONDAY. It came out of nowhere. I am still very, very hurt."
Was his statement threatening toward you? Like he was going to ensure you never made it into the house?
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kelly8875
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Location: Lost in my supplies...
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Post by kelly8875 on Mar 2, 2019 2:02:25 GMT
Living in an RV waiting for a house has to be stressful. I would just be more aware and conscious about what’s going on, and be more proactive to everyone’s behavior. If even you DD is saying you’re both irritable, then listen to her. It doesn’t matter if she says it’s mostly him, maybe she’s afraid to say it’s equal or you too, to not hurt your feelings.
Also, don’t do things at night making you need to go out. Or you say with keys in hand, that you’re going and you’re driving. Delivery or carry out, whatever.
Moving is one of the most stressful events...lots of bickering takes place for all of us. I’d hang in there a while longer and let things settle.
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Post by nysparkle on Mar 2, 2019 2:03:22 GMT
My dh and I had a big move 3 years ago. It was a move we very much wanted. It was also a freaking nightmare as dh was so high strung over everything. He turned into a person I did not know. It took us a few months to get over the stress of it all. I know moving often comes up on lists of highly stressful events couples go through.
In the first few weeks just try and get into a routine. Unpacking and filling the house, laundry ,dinner and normal routines will keep you busy and hopefully off each others nerves.
The driving issue sounds scary. Your thoughts of going to counselling is a good idea. Hopefully a counselor will have some strategies for you to cope with your dh's issues.
I'm sending hugs and good thoughts for Monday to come quickly so you can get into your new house.
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PrettyInPeank
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Mar 2, 2019 2:13:10 GMT
I'm curious what he meant by "You're not going to make it to the new house."
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zella
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Post by zella on Mar 2, 2019 2:13:30 GMT
After 2 months of living on top of each other in an RV I bet most people would be on their last nerve. I'm confused by this part though ""You're not going to make it to the new house." That is, the house we close on on MONDAY. It came out of nowhere. I am still very, very hurt." Was his statement threatening toward you? Like he was going to ensure you never made it into the house? No, he meant we were going to split up before Monday. Still very bizarre and very hurtful. |
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Mar 2, 2019 2:14:38 GMT
I'm sorry you have this issue. My husband's driving scares me to death so bad that now I have to do all the driving when we go anywhere. I think a lot of it is probably from all of the stress you both have been under the past several months. You have had well over 3 months if not more of some pretty top of the list "life stressers". Has he always been this way or is it more recent? The defensiveness and everything being my fault, well, that's always been that way. The driving and vision issues are more recent. |
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zella
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Post by zella on Mar 2, 2019 2:19:47 GMT
Thank you. It helps just to hear that others have had similar experiences. No, I don't think DD was saying it was 90% DH in order to not hurt my feelings. She usually refuses to express an opinion when we're arguing, but even she has told DH he's the one in the wrong lately. I do hope he settles down soon. I suppose it's stressful, but it's also this amazing adventure, and he's freaking 3/4 retired at only 53! I think that's phenomenal! I don't know why he's being so crabby. Actually he's all over the place emotionally. Perhaps if it continues I'll insist he go see a doctor. He's on an antidepressant; maybe he needs a med change.
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Post by chaosisapony on Mar 2, 2019 2:25:35 GMT
After 2 months of living on top of each other in an RV I bet most people would be on their last nerve. I'm confused by this part though ""You're not going to make it to the new house." That is, the house we close on on MONDAY. It came out of nowhere. I am still very, very hurt." Was his statement threatening toward you? Like he was going to ensure you never made it into the house? No, he meant we were going to split up before Monday. Still very bizarre and very hurtful. Oh, ok. I can see how that would be very hurtful to hear. Hopefully everything will settle down once you guys really get over this transition phase. |
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Post by mom on Mar 2, 2019 2:29:21 GMT
Thank you. It helps just to hear that others have had similar experiences. No, I don't think DD was saying it was 90% DH in order to not hurt my feelings. She usually refuses to express an opinion when we're arguing, but even she has told DH he's the one in the wrong lately. I do hope he settles down soon. I suppose it's stressful, but it's also this amazing adventure, and he's freaking 3/4 retired at only 53! I think that's phenomenal! I don't know why he's being so crabby. Actually he's all over the place emotionally. Perhaps if it continues I'll insist he go see a doctor. He's on an antidepressant; maybe he needs a med change. I know you think its amazing...but does he? Maybe he is now realizing that being retired may not be what he wants? Or is afraid of how he will make ends meet if he isn't working full time? |
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MorningPerson
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Post by MorningPerson on Mar 2, 2019 2:31:11 GMT
For the sake of yourselves and everyone else on the road, PLEASE do everything you can to make sure he doesn't drive at night. As others have said, insist that you drive, or just make it a point to do all your errands, etc. in the daytime.
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slkmommy
Junior Member
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Post by slkmommy on Mar 2, 2019 2:48:37 GMT
Two weeks before getting married, my soon to be hubby and I had to drive two hours away to retrieve a living room set that was gifted to us. In a pickup. Without much knowledge of how big and heavy the furniture was. My mother watched he and I try to maneuver a chair up the steps and she casually said “do you think the chair will be in the apartment before the wedding?” I said “ there won’t be a wedding because I’m going to kill him!” Fortunately we knew it was because we had spent the day stressed.
Chalk it up to moving and the close quarters.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Mar 2, 2019 2:59:17 GMT
Holy crap. I'm surprised it hasn't happened before now and more freq. To me this is nothing, and doesn't warrant, therapy?! ha. It's normal couple bickering in a very stressful stressful life. For BOTH of you. You just sold your prev house. packed up and lived in a RV and drove across the country. BOUGHT a new house, and having been living in a RV, with a wife that has many many medical problems, and a dd that has many medical problems, along with..I think..pets that are also, not well, or have anxiety or something. PLUS!!! started a new job, right?
Ahhhhh. I think hanging in there that long is good.
I am sure he was just teasing you about the not making it to the new house.
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Post by quinlove on Mar 2, 2019 3:03:22 GMT
Two weeks before getting married, my soon to be hubby and I had to drive two hours away to retrieve a living room set that was gifted to us. In a pickup. Without much knowledge of how big and heavy the furniture was. My mother watched he and I try to maneuver a chair up the steps and she casually said “do you think the chair will be in the apartment before the wedding?” I said “ there won’t be a wedding because I’m going to kill him!” Fortunately we knew it was because we had spent the day stressed. Chalk it up to moving and the close quarters. Ha ! Glad I’m not the only one who would say something like that. 😊 |
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Post by pierkiss on Mar 2, 2019 3:05:38 GMT
I'm sorry you have this issue. My husband's driving scares me to death so bad that now I have to do all the driving when we go anywhere. I think a lot of it is probably from all of the stress you both have been under the past several months. You have had well over 3 months if not more of some pretty top of the list "life stressers". Has he always been this way or is it more recent? The defensiveness and everything being my fault, well, that's always been that way. The driving and vision issues are more recent. Because the defensiveness and everything being your fault has always been there, I strongly recommend you guys get into some form of therapy to learn communication skills. |
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Post by silverlining on Mar 2, 2019 3:23:13 GMT
I would go nuts if I spent 24 hours per day with my husband for a few weeks in a small space. He's a fantastic guy, but we both need to be doing our own things. Sometimes when we have a lot of time at home together, I start to worry about how we'll get along in retirement! I'm sure your husband is stressed about the huge transition you're going through, even if it's a positive one, plus he's making a huge change in his work life at the same time. Maybe he needs routine, and the combination of working less, plus traveling, means he doesn't have a schedule. Maybe I'm projecting too much from my own feelings, haha, but I could see myself being stressed and crabby until I got settled again and had control of my schedule and some alone time! PS: I'm sure quite a few of us have experienced near-death experiences with a loved one driving, followed by being told we're too critical!  In a few days when he's happy with life again, he might be ready to have a rational conversation about whether he's safe to drive at night. |
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trollie
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Post by trollie on Mar 2, 2019 3:27:19 GMT
I'd only last about 3 days in the situation you're describing. 2+ months would send me over the edge.
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Deleted
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Sept 30, 2024 7:33:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2019 3:37:42 GMT
Can you get him to an eye dr?
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Post by peace on Mar 2, 2019 3:39:31 GMT
you can only control the way you react- react differently. Sometimes t helps me to remove myself emotionally from the experience and be the observer. It gives me a better objective perspective. Let go of whatever you are currently harboring- you are in a stressful situation and there is an end in sight. Do not react. Be patient and kind no matter how you feel inside. Have a "code" and stick to it. It will make a difference- if it doesn't for him, it will for you. You can do this.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
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Post by georgiapea on Mar 2, 2019 3:46:45 GMT
A move is a HUGE stressor. I have to drive when we are both in the car or I drive with my mouth.
You just have to get through this weekend, then you'll have the new house.
I was in Ocala today. Fly trip and hit HORRIBLE rain.
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Post by librarylady on Mar 2, 2019 3:49:54 GMT
I'd say at least 50% of this is your situation--lots of stress inducing things: the enormous changes you have made (home, job, location)...living in such close quarters etc.
So, if you close on Monday, can you take possession on Tuesday and get into the new house ASAP?
Sleep on the floor if needed just so you can put some distance between one another. ...If not, how about a motel room for all of you for a night or two--more space, different surroundings for a break.
Your DH may have inner feelings of "holy heck, I just quit my job. What will we do if there is trouble?"
For the next 2 days, go sit in a park by yourself for a couple of hours. Take a long walk......Mainly put some physical space between you and anyone else.
I do think most of this is just the change in your life.
Give yourself 2 weeks and then insist he get an eye exam. Is he diabetic? High blood sugar can change his vision. Could be the beginning of cataracts.
Good luck...
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Post by Basket1lady on Mar 2, 2019 4:22:14 GMT
I agree with the others. You usually talk about how supportive your DH is. It really does sound like the stress of the past few months. I’m sure driving scares your DH, but he doesn’t want to admit how badly he is seeing. It sounds like he needs an eye exam. I had cataracts and went from being fine to having my license taken away in 3 months time. It’s not usually that fast, but it can happen.
When I’m irritated with DH, I tell him that every day that I let him live is a win. It’s a big joke now, but when I’m mad, I just have to walk away.
Big hugs and hang in there. The end of this leg of your big adventure is almost here. Be proud of what you have accomplished in the past few months!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2019 4:43:27 GMT
After 2 months of living on top of each other in an RV I bet most people would be on their last nerve. I'm confused by this part though ""You're not going to make it to the new house." That is, the house we close on on MONDAY. It came out of nowhere. I am still very, very hurt." Was his statement threatening toward you? Like he was going to ensure you never made it into the house? This. |
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Post by callmenutz on Mar 2, 2019 5:19:41 GMT
I would chalk it up to stress. I thought we would end up divorced during our move. My normally calm husband was stressed to the max!
As for the driving...by age 50 we lose a good percentage of our night time vision. There are wonderful glasses with yellow lenses that you can buy that block the halos, glare, etc., that you experience at night. They are particularly great for rain and darkness. Now days I just grab the car keys and do almost all of the driving. I don’t say a word and neither does he. And I think he’s relieved.
Good luck with the new house!
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by zella on Mar 2, 2019 5:37:20 GMT
Thank you. It helps just to hear that others have had similar experiences. No, I don't think DD was saying it was 90% DH in order to not hurt my feelings. She usually refuses to express an opinion when we're arguing, but even she has told DH he's the one in the wrong lately. I do hope he settles down soon. I suppose it's stressful, but it's also this amazing adventure, and he's freaking 3/4 retired at only 53! I think that's phenomenal! I don't know why he's being so crabby. Actually he's all over the place emotionally. Perhaps if it continues I'll insist he go see a doctor. He's on an antidepressant; maybe he needs a med change. I know you think its amazing...but does he? Maybe he is now realizing that being retired may not be what he wants? Or is afraid of how he will make ends meet if he isn't working full time? He's a little worried about the money. But we have enough for probably 2 years even if he didn't make a penny. And he is going to be trading. He's been learning it and doing it for about 5 years, and he's good at it. And he's already made some decent money. He doesn't regret leaving his job; he's wanted to do so for years. And he hasn't actually "left." He just works for them part time and from home (or the library, or Starbucks, or wherever). And he knows he could go back if he needed to, or find another job in the tech industry, or be a consultant. |
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zella
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Post by zella on Mar 2, 2019 5:39:46 GMT
For the sake of yourselves and everyone else on the road, PLEASE do everything you can to make sure he doesn't drive at night. As others have said, insist that you drive, or just make it a point to do all your errands, etc. in the daytime. I'm gonna try. It's tough because where we are right now is fairly rural, so we end up driving in the evening to get dinner. I hate to cook anyway, and we only have the tiny RV kitchen plus a small fridge and freezer, so our options are somewhat limited. But I'm going to insist on driving next time we go out when it's dark and see what happens. He'll probably put up a fuss, but too bad! |
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In a few days when he's happy with life again, he might be ready to have a rational conversation about whether he's safe to drive at night.
