zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Mar 2, 2019 5:46:28 GMT
Holy crap. I'm surprised it hasn't happened before now and more freq. To me this is nothing, and doesn't warrant, therapy?! ha. It's normal couple bickering in a very stressful stressful life. For BOTH of you. You just sold your prev house. packed up and lived in a RV and drove across the country. BOUGHT a new house, and having been living in a RV, with a wife that has many many medical problems, and a dd that has many medical problems, along with..I think..pets that are also, not well, or have anxiety or something. PLUS!!! started a new job, right? Ahhhhh. I think hanging in there that long is good. I am sure he was just teasing you about the not making it to the new house. Yeah, we did do a lot, didn't we? Thing is even after 22 years together, he'll say things that upset me then come back with "I was just joking." Hmmmm. The dogs, all 3 of them, are actually doing well. The trip seems to have been really good for them, even the anxious one. He still mostly sleeps all day and night under my daughter's covers, but he's quite chipper every time we take him out. So is the one with heart failure. Yesterday he was running of his own accord for the first time in ages. And the third one is fine. Except he had bad diarrhea earlier because he ate half a packet of cookies, lol! And I've been doing pretty well medical wise too. I'm very proud of myself. DD is improving. The heat is really good for our joints, and I've gone from pain every day to virtually none. Still dealing with the nausea and flushing, but it's okay. And DD is dipping her foot into the dating pool for the first time in about 7 years, after she had her heart broken by a psychopath (he really was). So lots of new things going on. I was in therapy before, so it's a continuation for me. And it does help me to deal with my marriage, which is, and always has been, challenging.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Mar 2, 2019 5:48:07 GMT
I'd only last about 3 days in the situation you're describing. 2+ months would send me over the edge. LOL! Yeah, I suppose it's a miracle we're all still alive, right?
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Mar 2, 2019 5:56:41 GMT
elayne, Basket1lady, librarylady, callmenutz: he probably is due for an eye exam. He does have cataracts, as do I, but they aren't bad enough yet to get the surgery. He does have diabetes, and it's not well controlled. He's awful about always remembering his meds and about checking his glucose levels. Thanks for the yellow glasses suggestion. I'll try and get him to an eye dr. soon, and I'll see if I can find the yellow glasses that will fit over his prescription ones. In the meantime, I'll do any night driving. Or try to. He's very hard headed. Thank you all. You have helped me a great deal and I feel way better than when I made the original post, and I have some solid ideas for moving forward. As always, the Refupeas are awesome! Oh, and georgiapea, we didn't have any rain here today. It clouded up around 5. I love the weather here, even the rain!
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 2, 2019 6:08:37 GMT
1st being in that close of quarters for that long is bound to make people grumpy
2nd thing, immediately after someone has a scare like the car thing, they tend to lash out because their adrenaline is pumping so fast.
Can you have a talk when everyone is calm?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 5:21:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2019 6:13:00 GMT
If he’s 3/4 retired, does that mean your family will be living on 1/4 the income and no (full time) benefits like vacation and medical? And when you say you have enough to make it for 2 years if he doesn’t work, is that all the retirement savings you have? That doesn’t sound like nearly enough to get by on, let alone retire on. . That, combined with a big move and living in close quarters would be big stressors and cause me to be extremely irritable. Hopefully once you get settled in your new place, things will be much more peaceful.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Mar 2, 2019 6:33:46 GMT
Why do you say that leaving him is not an option when he has threatened that 'you are not going to make it to the new house'? Clearly it is an option for him.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,897
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Mar 2, 2019 8:52:01 GMT
That all sounds to me like normal lashing out after a scare, when he's already stressed and tired. You folks have been/are going through A LOT.
Moving forwards once you've both calmed down, why don't you suggest to him that you both have eye tests together? That way you're with him rather than against him and he won't feel attacked. If he isn't very good at controlling his blood sugar, that's another aggressor - blood sugar ups and downs make the calmest people irritable. I know. I lived with one years ago. He drove me mad. Can you help him by reminding him to take his meds regularly? Or handing them to him? Or making sure he eats before he gets grumpy?
I think it's normal to feel defensive when someone says hurtful things. But I think you've posted a big answer right there with the diabetes.
Another thing I discovered with blood sugar imbalances is that the person is absolutely sweet then BAM with no warning they're horrible, and by that point it's too late. You have to feed them before it gets to that stage. I know you don't like cooking, but can you keep some healthy snacks around and keep him "topped up"? Or maybe cooking in your lovely new kitchen will be more fun than in the old place, and you'll want to cook for him.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 5:21:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2019 10:05:15 GMT
As others have mentioned I would strongly advice you to try and get him to see an ophthalmologist. Cataracts can develop from being slight to severe in a very short time. Add his diabetes to this and he's facing a much bigger problem,especially with night driving.
My mum had what was described as a slight cataracts at one of her annual eye examinations but six months later she herself realised her night driving had deteriorated drastically so she went for another eye test. She stopped night driving for a couple of months until she had the cataracts removed for safety reasons but she was very frustrated at the thought that she wasn't as so independent as she wanted to be. She was fine in built up areas where there was street lighting but the lights coming towards he from the other cars was the problem which is what affects your vision when you have cataracts.
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,301
Jun 29, 2014 3:29:30 GMT
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Mar 2, 2019 12:22:43 GMT
I'm sorry you have this issue. My husband's driving scares me to death so bad that now I have to do all the driving when we go anywhere. I think a lot of it is probably from all of the stress you both have been under the past several months. You have had well over 3 months if not more of some pretty top of the list "life stressers". Has he always been this way or is it more recent? The defensiveness and everything being my fault, well, that's always been that way. The driving and vision issues are more recent. I have no advice on the driving other than to echo what others have said about getting him to a doctor/ophthalmologist. Between his diabetes and age, no telling what kind of physical issue he may have that is affecting his vision. As for the other issue, a leopard doesn't change his spots as my momma used to say. If you want to be happy with him then you have to accept his behavior and change the way that you think/feel about it.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Mar 2, 2019 12:38:27 GMT
Good advice has already been given, so I'll just add this. As you actually get into the new house and settled in your new lives/routines, I would expect everyone's stress levels to lower and life to become much better. Meantime, it does sound like there are legitimate concerns about his driving - especially at night - and that really ought to be explored.
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sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456
Jun 26, 2014 23:58:32 GMT
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Post by sassyangel on Mar 2, 2019 15:20:15 GMT
Thank you. It helps just to hear that others have had similar experiences. No, I don't think DD was saying it was 90% DH in order to not hurt my feelings. She usually refuses to express an opinion when we're arguing, but even she has told DH he's the one in the wrong lately. I do hope he settles down soon. I suppose it's stressful, but it's also this amazing adventure, and he's freaking 3/4 retired at only 53! I think that's phenomenal! I don't know why he's being so crabby. Actually he's all over the place emotionally. Perhaps if it continues I'll insist he go see a doctor. He's on an antidepressant; maybe he needs a med change. I know you think its amazing...but does he? Maybe he is now realizing that being retired may not be what he wants? Or is afraid of how he will make ends meet if he isn't working full time? Very good point. Some men don’t cope well with early retirement. For some work is a needed outlet for them.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Mar 2, 2019 15:32:15 GMT
I'd only last about 3 days in the situation you're describing. 2+ months would send me over the edge. A long weekend in the house with my husband is taxing enough. We’d kill each other in an rv. He criticized my driving last week so I slammed on the brakes and made him lung forward in his seat and he could drive or stfu. Another day he was refusing to put on his seatbelt like a child. So we sat in the driveway until he complied. My children have to wear seatbelts. He should too.
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Post by sean&marysmommy on Mar 2, 2019 16:55:52 GMT
YOu've had plenty of good advice, so I just wanted to say I'm glad you're all doing well, health wise, and I hope the move into the house settles the marriage stuff a good bit. Even good change can be stressful. Hang in there!
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Post by scrapmaven on Mar 2, 2019 17:18:49 GMT
You're living in a shoebox in a brand new area w/o anything familiar. You are all way out of your comfort zone. Everyone is probably suffering from cabin fever. Also, when you need space in a house you just go to another room. Since you can't do that here everything escalates quickly. From what you've said couples counseling could really help you two with communication going fwd. For now, I think you both need space and you also need to plant roots in your new city. It might be in the form of a meetup group. Maybe join a bridge club together. Find something new that you can do together that is just for fun. During the day you need to enjoy life, as well. Take a fun class or join a ladies meetup group that does something you enjoy.
You're both likely homesick in various ways. Time to make your new city your safe place. ITA that if you can move in on Monday or Tuesday you should do it. Get out of that RV and make your house a home right away.
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Post by *KAS* on Mar 2, 2019 22:38:30 GMT
Thank you. It helps just to hear that others have had similar experiences. No, I don't think DD was saying it was 90% DH in order to not hurt my feelings. She usually refuses to express an opinion when we're arguing, but even she has told DH he's the one in the wrong lately. I do hope he settles down soon. I suppose it's stressful, but it's also this amazing adventure, and he's freaking 3/4 retired at only 53! I think that's phenomenal! I don't know why he's being so crabby. Actually he's all over the place emotionally. Perhaps if it continues I'll insist he go see a doctor. He's on an antidepressant; maybe he needs a med change. I understand an occasional argument happens, but please try to stop arguing in front of your kids AND asking them who is at fault. It's a really uncomfortable position for your kid to be in. BTDT.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 5:21:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2019 4:04:15 GMT
I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like a no-brainer! You've been through a lot and it's very stressful right now. They say that death, divorce and buying a house are the top 3 stressors. I believe it!!!
That being said, I'm extra worried because you talk about DH's issues with night blindness and sight and you're moving right near me. I've actually driven so much more since we moved here 9 years ago, but it's gotten so very crowded and busy in the past year that I feel like I'm in the middle of a PaperBoy game every single time I drive anywhere here!!! That's the frame of mind you need when you're driving in FL!!! People, cars, bikes, anything... comes flying at you. You have to be aware of what's around you at ALL times and expect the worst!!! People here love to take FOREVER to make a right turn. No idea why, but I'm always looking in my rearview mirror to make sure that no one slams into me while I'm stopped for the idiot in front of me who has a clear path to turn right into a parking lot!!!!!!!! They pull out of the same parking lot without even glancing around them, so, BEWARE!!!
I agree with your DH about night driving here. It seems like there's almost NO lighting on the streets and major roadways here. When there are no oncoming cars, I put my brights on. When it's raining here, it's very difficult to see!! Same as when it's foggy...... So, be careful. Your DH will have a lot of adjusting to do, and when you're driving, you'll quickly learn the skillset of Floridian driving. You'll see the snowbirds coming down around October and they leave around April, so it's much more busy then..........
I often ask DH if he wants me to drive now. He's not as quick as he used to be, and even though I have vision issues, I feel like I could handle most driving here (unless it's on an interstate).
I'm sure that your DH is just adjusting to everything and maybe he's even thinking it all over--it's a big change! Hang in there. I hope things get better for you!
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Post by callmenutz on Mar 3, 2019 5:39:46 GMT
elayne , Basket1lady , librarylady , callmenutz : he probably is due for an eye exam. He does have cataracts, as do I, but they aren't bad enough yet to get the surgery. He does have diabetes, and it's not well controlled. He's awful about always remembering his meds and about checking his glucose levels. Thanks for the yellow glasses suggestion. I'll try and get him to an eye dr. soon, and I'll see if I can find the yellow glasses that will fit over his prescription ones. In the meantime, I'll do any night driving. Or try to. He's very hard headed. Thank you all. You have helped me a great deal and I feel way better than when I made the original post, and I have some solid ideas for moving forward. As always, the Refupeas are awesome! Oh, and georgiapea , we didn't have any rain here today. It clouded up around 5. I love the weather here, even the rain! I got a yellow shield, sort of like what they give you after you have your pupils enlarged, at the eye doctor’s office for $5.00. That was several years ago though. They slip in behind your glasses and there’s a curl on top that lays over the top of your glasses. Sort of like clip on sun glasses.
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Post by lauradrumm on Mar 3, 2019 17:39:13 GMT
Male menopause is a real thing.
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