Those who have suffered abuse as a child...

Actually as hard as it is to do, I walked away. There was nothing in it to benefit me, I refused to put myself in that position any longer. This was recommended by both my therapist and my MOTHER's psychiatrist. Please take care of yourself and do what is right for you, not what others think you should do.

Why do you have dinner every week with someone who abused you?

What is the benefit to spending time with your abuser that is greater than the cost to your well-being? 

THOSE are the questions you should be answering with your therapist.

Since you don't want to change, I have no advice. Good luck. 

I don't really know why you don't want to change things and cut off contact with someone who abused you. I guess my question is why do you allow your family contact with someone who abused you? What does this man have over you that forces you to keep contact with him when most people would cut him out? Just because he's family doesn't mean that he gets a free pass. I'm sure you'd cut out a friend if he did the same thing to you, so why not your father.

If you're not going to change, then I guess you just need to suck it up and do it every week. I can't imagine how you can get through it if you constantly put yourself in the reach of your abuser. Most people refuse to do that, and for good reason.

Good luck. Change may have to happen to get the relief you want.

I don't think you should cutoff all contact unless he is abusive to you now. If I understood you, that ended. 

But you put it out there that you stormed out if his house on the last visit and you dread going there right now. I don't know what you are looking for here - permission to not go or applauding your efforts to go and be a martyr.

Why does it have to be seen from the lens of it's all or nothing? Maybe now you need to take a break from him and later when you have made progress in therapy you can resume a relationship with boundaries you are comfortable with.

I read your OP and subsequent posts. So I understand what you're saying about not changing visits etc. A few questions come to mind. They may or may not have any bearing on your situation but might help you process. You don't have to answer me, if you know what I mean, but if you think it might be helpful you can ask yourself.

Has your dad changed at all in his attitude toward you? Does he seem more loving, accepting, whatever or does he seem like he's just doing a good job of pretending? Or openly hostile?

Related - are your anxious feelings related to what is happening in your current relationship or are they more tied to what used to be?

Early in our marriage I would say "I'm sorry" all the time. It had become an ingrained habit. My dad was a yeller and a fault finder. I'll never forget, one day my dh took my by the shoulders, looked me in the eye and said "I am not your father. You don't need to be that way with me."

In your case, is your dad the same person he was or has he grown and changed? Are you responding to the person he is now, or the person he used to be?

Do you have expectations? You may need to decide to go in with no expectations.

You say your dad is an excellent grandfather. I understand that. How do you relate to your children's other grandfather? Would it help you to compartmentalize? Rather than thinking of him as your father, to think of him as your children's grandfather.

These are just some thoughts that came to mind. I respect your efforts and wish you peace of mind.

I can respect your desires to keep an intact family, especially if he's good to your children. My parents while not abusive were definitely different parents than grandparents.

I'd give yourself permission to take a week off if it's too much. Send dh and kids if you need another week to get past whatever happened last week.

I also agree that busying yourself is a great idea. Take a walk, take a quick trip to a nearby store. I have a close family who can get annoying at times when we're spending the day together...sometimes I take a little break by taking the dog for a walk or running out to the store. Good luck.

While not having ever had to deal with abusive parents or abuse as a child, I do still have to deal with an ex husband who was ... just awful.

So maybe what worked for me wouldn't work for you, but I will share it in case it helps...one thing I really had to learn, not just hear and think I understood but really get was the idea that you can forgive someone for their behavior, but that doesn't mean that you forget. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to be like Mother Theresa and turn the other cheek to accept what ever else comes your way, it means (at least to me) that you let go of the power the person had over you, and you act accordingly. You don't forget, because forgetting could allow the behavior to return.

For me, I had to learn a definition of forgiveness that worked for me. Because of what I learned through my faith as a child, I thought that forgiveness meant that I had to completely let go to the point of giving some one a pass on what they did. I don't think that is completely right, I think (again, for me) it meant that I understood the pain that he caused me was HIS fault, and I will allow him to own that if HE CHOOSES TO-which he may never do. It meant that I was no longer waiting for the validation of his apology, or that he would ever even acknowledge his behavior. It meant that I let go of my expectations of what I wanted to happen and be okay with that. It meant that what happened after that was up to ME. That, to me, was forgiveness.

(((HUGS)))

But HE also needs to change and you've made it clear he's not interested in that. 

You were the victim. You can fix you, but you can't fix him.

And I'm not sure that continued frequent exposure to him is healthy for you or your children. 

I'm not suggesting cutting off contact entirely, but every week may be too much. 

Forgive me if I missed something, because I have been skimming this thread, but has the issue of the abuse been addressed in the present day?

I see that you say that you will not cut off contact with him. But I know for me personally, it would be very difficult to continue a relationship where a major issue hadn't been discussed. Is there any way he would go to counseling session with you?

Other than that, I don't know what to say. The one person I know who went through something similar and whose parents are in denial about it being abuse has cut off all contact with them.

ETA: Also, you can forgive while protecting yourself at the same time. Choosing not to subject yourself to something on a weekly basis that causes you anxiety and stress doesn't mean that you're not forgiving.

Have you had a heart to heart with your father now that you're grown?  What I see in this post is that when you stood up to him, he realized the harm he was doing and stopped the abuse.  Or, am I reading that wrong?  It sounds like he did change for the better.  That's so rare.  You didn't say what caused you to storm out and why you say he's a hypocrite.  Also, why would your therapist think talking about the abuse wouldn't be helpful?  I really think you need to talk to your parents about the abuse and how it's still affecting you.  Ideally, that talk should be mediated by a qualified therapist.