mamakven
Full Member
Posts: 407
Oct 2, 2014 22:01:19 GMT
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Post by mamakven on Oct 3, 2014 19:43:51 GMT
((((hug)))) i'm lucky enough to live on the other side of the country from my abuser.
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Post by christine58 on Oct 3, 2014 19:50:28 GMT
How do you get through the times of having to spend time with those who hurt you? My father physically and emotionally abused me. I am working with a therapist but different situations have been popping up and I am remembering other things that I lived through. My parents are in denial about what all of this did to me and even my therapist believes that bringing it up would not be helpful. Last weekend I had it (we go to their house for dinner every week). My relationship with him has been strained my whole life and while I love him, I love him because he is my father, I don't necessarily like him. I stormed out of the house with my family after dinner. He is a hypocrite. Now I have to go to dinner at the house on Sunday. I am sure nothing will be said, no apologies. I have been having anxiety attacks all week thinking about this. How do you get through these. I just want to send dh and the kids and stay home. Stop going to dinner over there. They won't acknowledge your pain etc, and you know what?? You don't have to love him...not at all. I would not be stepping foot again in the home of someone who abused me. NOT EVER ETA: If you stormed out of their house last time you were there...something must have happened. You say he is generous yet a hypocrite...it won't get any better for you until you step away. Sorry if this feels like a pile on but you know what??? When you post something like this here---you have to be a BIG enough person to take the good with the bad responses. I don't think you're even close to getting through all this and I'm sorry but your therapist doesn't want this brought up with them?? Really??? SMH |
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Post by scrapsotime on Oct 3, 2014 20:01:06 GMT
What I would be worried about is what his current ongoing treatment of you is teaching your children. He is not a good grandfather if he can't respect you, their mother.
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Post by penny on Oct 3, 2014 20:39:23 GMT
If physically (ie not seeing him), not changing anything is possible/what you want now, would at least reminding yourself that it is an option help? Reminding yourself that this is how you're choosing to handle it and make things better, and that you have control... Whatever obligations or responsibility you feel to your family, ultimately you do still have the choice to cut off contact - he's not in control of the situation, you are... Feel pride that you're making a difficult choice to be there because you believe it to be the best way to handle things...
The 'black and white thinking' of "it is NOT an option" to not see him, sounds like it's putting a lot of pressure on you... It is absolutely an option - one that may hurt a lot of people and that you may not be interested in making, but it is an option... Saying to yourself that it's not possible must make you feel trapped or out of control... Perhaps saying "I'm making the choice that this is the right decision at this time" or "I'm choosing to take on a difficult situation because I see a benefit to it" will help you feel more in control and less anxious...
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Kath
Full Member
Posts: 446
Jun 26, 2014 12:15:31 GMT
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Post by Kath on Oct 3, 2014 21:25:54 GMT
I moved away and read a lot of self-help books. I try not to let my mind and emotions drift to the past or the future, but keep myself here and present in the now, enjoying every moment as it happens to me at this time without dwelling on what has been or what might be.
Acceptance of what is. Breathe in, breathe out. I am here. I am alive. The sun is shining. Breathe in, breathe out. Distance, quiet. Don't allow your mind to consume you. Focus on the now.
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Post by pierkiss on Oct 3, 2014 22:01:22 GMT
If you are having so much anxiety that you are having panic attacks over the thought of seeing your father, I gently suggest you don't see him anymore. There is no reason to subject yourself to someone who treated you so badly in the past and will not even acknowledge or apologize for his actions. What are you hoping to get out of continuing this relationship with your father?
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,415
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Oct 3, 2014 23:20:25 GMT
As an adult, you have the right to visit or not. It certainly doesn't have to be on a weekly basis. Even if he is an outstanding grandfather, how wonderful can he be when he is teaching them that it is okay to abuse someone and not take responsibility for that action. What are you teaching them when as the victim of his abuse you continue to let it happen in more subtle ways? What message are they receiving from your mother who allowed this to happen and is certainly guilty of shielding your father from the repercussions of his actions and again, not acknowledging your pain?
I wish you luck, my father was my abuser and my mother was his silent partner. I distanced myself from them. My children knew them distantly and that was fine with me. Some of my siblings did the same, others chose to continue their relationships with them and allow their children unsupervised visits with my parents. That was not a road I was comfortable with.
My story is not your story however there is no good reason on earth to cause yourself weekly pain just so your children can have a relationship with your parents. They could see them less frequently and give you time to heal.
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Post by AussieMeg on Oct 3, 2014 23:45:58 GMT
jenjie, you are a very smart and caring person! I love your post. 
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Post by **Angie** on Oct 4, 2014 0:30:47 GMT
I am changing. Change has to come from within. How is cutting off all ties with him changing anything for the better? I'll answer this. I cut my father out of my life when I found out that he had abused my stepsister and another girl. Why? Because he never would have admitted he was wrong- he always had an excuse why he acted in certain ways, he always used his upbringing as his reason. Because I didn't want my child exposed to the things I was as a child. Because, by not taking a stand, I would have been condoning his behavior. Because I chose to put myself and my dh and son first. Because I finally realized that I would be damned before I would change myself in order to accommodate someone that willingly hurt someone else. And the whole "I love him because he's my father"...... I cringe every time I hear/read that. A real father, someone that deserves love, doesn't abuse their child, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional. |
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Post by jenjie on Oct 4, 2014 1:11:35 GMT
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,412
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Oct 4, 2014 6:38:22 GMT
Just this week a colleague of mine described meeting at a family funeral a few months ago, an uncle (now in his 80's) who abused her from ages 8 till around 13. She blurted it out to a cousin, who informed her that she had had exactly the same experience. His smirking at them on the day of the funeral made their minds up. They have been to the police and he has been arrested and questioned and it appears likely that he will be charged. Of course he is now playing the confused old man card. From what she said, his behaviour had been typical. 'No one will believe you'. 'If you say anything I will make sure that you are put in a home' etc. The wider family are appalled as you might imagine, and no one had sensed anything at the time, although her mother does recall that my colleague did not ever want to go to this uncle's house when she was a child, and always pretended to be ill if a visit was impending.
OP, is it completely out of the question for you to refer the matter to the police, and get some justice?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:49:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2014 13:35:40 GMT
While you are still hurting, I would keep some distance. Not cut off altogether, but not weekly visits either. Just temporarily until you get over these feelings of anxiety and when you are feeling stronger. Then I would revisit the idea of weekly visits if that is what you want.
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MsKnit
Pearl Clutcher
RefuPea #1406
Posts: 2,648
Jun 26, 2014 19:06:42 GMT
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Post by MsKnit on Oct 4, 2014 16:02:43 GMT
I don't see a pile on. I see people who can not understand the 'have to visit every Sunday.' As adults, we don't 'have to' do anything. Many of us simply don't understand that part of your dilemma.
Anyway, I'm sorry that you are going through this.
Having a awful father has so many repercussions.
The manner I chose to deal with my father was limiting contact.
I hope you find a solution that works for you. ((((hugs))))
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Mr styler
Junior Member
Posts: 50 
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Post by Mr styler on Oct 4, 2014 16:17:23 GMT
Clearly those saying you should cut all ties were not abused as children.
Hugs, OP.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:49:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2014 17:35:42 GMT
Clearly those saying you should cut all ties were not abused as children. Hugs, OP. Wow. That's a bit much. Is that what you meant to write? As an abused (sexually, verbally) child by my father, I absolutely cut him off in my 20's. He never changed. He never admitted he did anything wrong (he also did the same to both sisters). And there was no way in Hades I was exposing my own children to him. It's been nearly 20 years now. Later, I realized how much my mother did NOT protect me or my sisters growing up. She either created a lot of the drama that went on or played a critical part. She was very narcissistic. This behavior continued well into my adulthood. I desperately wanted a good and loving grandmother for my children but she was never going to be that. After she made a scene at my sister's memorial in 2005, I realized I didn't want to be (nor could I be) around her anymore if I wanted to remain emotionally healthy. It took one final event in February 2006 before I finally made the decision to permanently walk away. I could write a book about all the times this woman played it up to get attention and the focus on herself...no one else ever really mattered. As a parent, I find that inconceivable and unconscionable. It's not easy. I still feel guilt about it with regards to my mother. Never about my father. Every situation is different and only the abused can decide what is the best option for them...continued, limited or no contact. I also highly agree with the forgive but not necessarily forget plan. I forgive for my own peace of mind. I don't forget because I have to protect not only myself but my family, especially my kids. I've managed to break a cycle as a parent. Part of doing that was cutting off the offending limbs, so to speak. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:49:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2014 17:40:12 GMT
>>So there is some relief, but mostly just pain and regret and horrible self loathing. I have cried a lot and some days I am numb. Somehow I have to get over it, but I don't know how. Hopefully time will heal some, but it will always hurt.<<
You don't just get over it. You seek guidance/help. I cannot express enough how much counseling has done for me. Yes, I've been lucky to have had a couple of fantastic therapists. Based on what you've written, I highly encourage you to seek someone to talk to...my guess is you are far from being a terrible person. Let someone help you understand that in your own mind. Your family (husband, kids) will thank you for it. If you initially don't do it for yourself, do it for them. It makes you a better wife and mother, trust me. {{ hugs }}
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Oct 4, 2014 17:54:05 GMT
Ironically, my father recently solved this problem for me. He made a totally inappropriate comment on my husband's facebook page about some way we had supposedly slighted him on a post my husband made about an accomplishment my sons' had achieved. It was totally insane. My husband sent him a private message and told him he thought it was inappropriate and he said something about how my father did far worse things to us. My father replied he didn't know my husband felt that way and then a couple of hours later he sent another message saying my husband wasn't welcome at their house anymore. There was more stupid arguing on facebook and my father said some really hurtful, hateful things. I have decided to just not be in contact with him anymore. It has been a month. He hasn't tried to call or anything. I have talked to my mom a couple of times, but we don't talk about it. We don't deal with anything in my family. I'm not sure she even knows what happened. I feel a tiny bit of relief, but mostly I just feel horrible. I have always believe I am an evil, horrible, awful, disgusting, toxic person and this just confirms it. My father basically said we're selfish and he has done a lot for us and we've done very little for him. This has devastated me. I tried every way I could to help them whenever they needed it. My kids have done a lot of work for them and so has my husband. My father said things need to be even. I don't know what he means, but I just feel like horrible, selfish scum. I already loathed myself, but I feel like it has been confirmed that I really am horrible. There is so much more to this, but I am just rambling on and taking over the thread and I apologize. I totally understand your mixed feelings and the pain and sadness and not wanting the relationship to end. I had always thought somehow, some day we would have a "normal" family and my dream is shattered and so is my heart. So there is some relief, but mostly just pain and regret and horrible self loathing. I have cried a lot and some days I am numb. Somehow I have to get over it, but I don't know how. Hopefully time will heal some, but it will always hurt. So my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry, janetr, that you are going through this. I can hear the hurt in your post. Have you considered talking to a counselor to help you sort out your feelings about this to facilitate the healing process? You are not evil, horrible or any of those other things. I know your husband and kids love you, and many others, too. Please let someone help you get a better perspective on this. (this is coming from someone who had several experiences that I should have gotten counseling - when I finally did, it was priceless!). |
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
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Post by M in Carolina on Oct 4, 2014 17:55:30 GMT
It's really a horrible situation to be in--to love someone who hurt you and won't admit they did or makes excuses. Some people just can't seem to ever be able to say the words "I was wrong. I'm sorry." But sometimes their behaviour changes over time. Therapy helps. Boundaries are absolutely necessary.
I didn't talk to my mom for 6 months this year after she abandoned me in a very unsafe neighborhood after an argument. She sort of apologized--which is all she seems able to admit. I don't need an apology. As a previous poster said--forgiveness is realizing that the relationship that you wanted isn't going to happen.
I have boundaries with my mom now. She doesn't know, but if she crosses the line I have drawn for myself, that's it. I'm stepping out of the situation at least temporarily. My mom won't discuss the past. She'll bring it up to use it in an argument, but she won't discuss things civily.
She's told me who she is. The rest is on me. I don't have a great loving relationship with my mom. That really makes me sad. I do have a wonderful relationship with my MIL, and I treasure her even more because she reached out to me to be the surrogate that I so wanted and needed. This thread has kinda hit home for me because my MIL is very sick.
I only agree to see my mother when I'm feeling strong physically and emotionally. I know my dh has my back and supports my decisions. I know that if I had to walk away from my mom at any time, that he would come get me or do whatever is necessary. He doesn't like her much.
Peppermint Patty, I think you need to do something different this Sunday. Take a "mental health day". Spend time with those who have your back. Regroup.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Oct 4, 2014 17:56:01 GMT
I'm very Scarlett O'Hara like. I'll think about it tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. Can you avoid your father for most of the time when you are there? Hide out in the kitchen? Play with the kids outside? Watch a football game so that you don't need to make small talk? Over the years, I've come to believe that my parents did the best they could. And I try really hard not to repeat their mistakes. I try to focus on what the current relationship is, not what I wish it had been. They aren't bad people, but they made some poor choices. This is me too! Who they are today is not who they were when we were young. My mom physically and emotionally abused me. She still did the best she could at the time. She was a better parent then her mom and I'm a better mom then she was. She is not the same person now that she was at that time. I'm not going to deprive my kids of a loving grandparent relationship because of who my mom used to be. And the mistakes she made 40 yrs ago. I just try to make sure I stay as calm as possible and not over react when she says something stupid to spin me up. I also do make my time with them more limited and more family function type visits instead of one on ones. |
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,458
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Post by theshyone on Oct 4, 2014 19:30:00 GMT
I totally believed it was my place to still be my mothers daughter. I did for her lots. It was my duty. Although she sucked as a mother, our relationship has been strained, I was there for her although she wasn't there for me. Her motto is what's in the past is over and done with, so it doesn't matter.
I thought she was a wonderful grandmother. Until a couple weeks ago when she endangered my son. The threw in my face that what is done is in the past, and it's over and done. I saw RED. I regret ever continuing to have her in my life or my kids life. I should have cut the ties at 17 when I walked out of her house. Here we are 30 years later in exactly the same spot in time.
He did to you, he will do to your kids. A leopard doesn't change it's spots.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 4, 2014 19:55:58 GMT
I understand OP that you do not want to hurt your children by cutting their grandparents out of their lives (is that the sticking point?)
Would you dad go to a counseling appointment with you? Would writing a letter to him and either burning it or giving it to him help?
Is there any chance that the cycle is continuing with his treatment of your children? Is the unwillingness to cut ties due to financial reasons?
I wish I hand a magic wand for you.
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msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
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Post by msliz on Oct 4, 2014 20:24:30 GMT
...My mother was a buffer for a lot of his anger. This tells me that OP's mother was or is still being abused. If she cuts ties with her father, she loses access to her mother. I can understand her reluctance to take any action that would jeopardize her access to her mother or her mother's access to her. |
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Post by PinkPrincess77 on Oct 4, 2014 23:35:33 GMT
Yeah, I tried to make it work with my "mother" but she is just too toxic. I have zero contact with her now.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
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Post by mallie on Oct 5, 2014 0:07:44 GMT
Clearly those saying you should cut all ties were not abused as children. Hugs, OP. Clearly, you don't know what you are talking about. |
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IPeaFreely
Full Member
Posts: 389
Location: Castle Frankenstein
Jun 26, 2014 8:32:27 GMT
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Post by IPeaFreely on Oct 5, 2014 0:10:59 GMT
Wow, you have typical brainwashed victim mentality. Defending your abuser. Keep working with your therapist.
It's cringingly awful to think about you going to dinner there each week. Seriously, YOU may not be sorry you posted this, but I am sure sorry I read this.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:49:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2014 0:15:35 GMT
Clearly those saying you should cut all ties were not abused as children. Hugs, OP. Huh? So you think anyone who chooses to cut ties wasn't abused?
Bless your heart.
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Southern Side eyed Pea 
