Gennifer
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,168
Jun 26, 2014 8:22:26 GMT
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Post by Gennifer on May 7, 2019 21:52:36 GMT
I’ve done nights/weekends our whole married life, and raised four kids this way. I didn’t realize it was that difficult of a thing... you just do it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Sigh. I am guessing you are just being flippant and don't mean anything personal, but of course we just do it. I have done a lot of hard things in my life. I am not some pampered princess, but the logistics of a full time (teaching) job, managing a household, and the part time job of lugging a hockey player to practice is overwhelming. Just an fyi: If "you" haven't done hockey, it is hard to understand because it is different than most sports in that you don't have consistent practice time. My son is in LAX for the summer. They practice the same time at the same location every week. Yes, game times and locations vary, but it is SOOO much easier to manage than hockey (and it is not dark and below zero LOL). Hockey varies from week to week due to ice availability. So, one week we have practice Monday at 5:30 at one location and then Tues at 7:45 at the location across town, and then Thursday at 6:30 across town and back on Friday at the nearby rink at 8:30. (then you might have a game an hour away in a snowstorm at 10:00 AM on Saturday, another game a different direction at 3:00 and then another game at home on Sunday at 8:30 AM. I am not claiming I have it SOOOO much harder than anyone else, but hockey is a bit more complex than many other sports (and yes, then there are the people who travel out of state, etc... we don't do that at least). Nothing personal, but also not being flippant... I’m just not sure what kind of advice you’re looking for. If it’s not doable, I would think your job and your husband’s job would take precedence over anything you kids have going on, so... maybe they need to not do sports right now?
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on May 7, 2019 23:12:35 GMT
Your DH could get up with the kids and have breakfast with them and take them to school. Could you go in to your job early and leave right when the kids do or are you required to stay after school?
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Post by mustlovecats on May 7, 2019 23:27:49 GMT
We did it. My advice is - set really clear roles and expectations so you can both contribute to running the home, he can pick up some of the slack before work so you can pick up the rest of the slack after work - make simpler home routines, cook simple meals, prep ahead if possible or have him put dinner in the crockpot so it’s ready for your evening schedule - use the hockey network to find some transportation help, ask the coach for a contact list and mention you’re looking for a carpool - try to set aside time on weekends for family time and downtime - take it a day/week at a time - make a central family calendar so you always know what’s going on and who is doing transportation - let your boys use this time to learn some life skills such as prepping their own lunches, doing additional chores etc. - it’s okay if life is messy for a little while and you can and will adjust
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Gennifer
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,168
Jun 26, 2014 8:22:26 GMT
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Post by Gennifer on May 7, 2019 23:40:01 GMT
I can tell you this: as the one who does the second shift, my sleep schedule has to be very flexible, and it’s totally broken up. I sleep from ~2 AM until 6:30, and get the kids off to school. I do some things around the house, and then sleep again from 9-noon. I get up, shower/eat, finish things I started earlier, and basically take off as soon as my kids get home from school at 3. Their dad gets home by 4:15, and he handles things like homework, play dates, sports, dinner, and bedtime.
If they have appointments that need to be handled during the day, it’s on me, and it means I only get a few hours of sleep. I’m also the one that stays up until the older teens get home on my nights off... DH gets up for work at 3:30 AM, so his bedtime is fairly early, and pretty rigid.
My husband and I make sure we spend as much time together as we can, which means we don’t really do nights out with friends or solo activities. Our “date” for the week might only be grocery shopping and a walk around the block.
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,795
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on May 8, 2019 0:01:48 GMT
Another not trying to be flippant, but you just do what you have to do to make it work like everyone else in the same situation. I worked for the USPS for.ever. and unless you are a carrier your job could start pretty much any time of day because work was do around the clock. When you worked up some seniority you'd get a better choice.
For a long time it was not what I wanted to do but had to to bring home the paycheck. You adjust and in the end it all works out because, well, it has to.
Good luck to you and hopefully a better shift for your family won't be too far down the road.
ETA and good luck to your DH with the next interview.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 3:14:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2019 0:15:06 GMT
I am not sure how to say this, but if you are needing other parents to get your children around, give the parent gas cards, snacks and thank them profusely. And take their children out /overnight so parents have a break.
If you need those parents to take your child to away games/practices, pay for the motel room and meal.
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,086
Jul 4, 2014 6:57:02 GMT
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Post by AllieC on May 8, 2019 0:34:41 GMT
I think it depends on what your financial situation is and whether there are other job opportunities. I know that with my husband, he has unfortunately had 3 periods of redundancy in 25 years where it was difficult for him to find work. Had a job like this come during one of those times he would have accepted in a heartbeat for the good of the family. If there are plenty of job opportunities then maybe he doesn't need to accept but if it's the choice between this and no work for a period of time then I would take it.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,983
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on May 8, 2019 0:40:40 GMT
I am not sure how to say this, but if you are needing other parents to get your children around, give the parent gas cards, snacks and thank them profusely. And take their children out /overnight so parents have a break. If you need those parents to take your child to away games/practices, pay for the motel room and meal. Yeah, we aren’t takers. I will say that if his team is like last years team, it won’t be a problem and people won’t take the money/cards anyway, but I would offer for sure. When a hockey team is at its best, it’s a pretty amazing experience. Every year is different though. We shouldn’t need help for weekend games and tournaments.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,983
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on May 8, 2019 0:49:05 GMT
Sigh. I am guessing you are just being flippant and don't mean anything personal, but of course we just do it. I have done a lot of hard things in my life. I am not some pampered princess, but the logistics of a full time (teaching) job, managing a household, and the part time job of lugging a hockey player to practice is overwhelming. Just an fyi: If "you" haven't done hockey, it is hard to understand because it is different than most sports in that you don't have consistent practice time. My son is in LAX for the summer. They practice the same time at the same location every week. Yes, game times and locations vary, but it is SOOO much easier to manage than hockey (and it is not dark and below zero LOL). Hockey varies from week to week due to ice availability. So, one week we have practice Monday at 5:30 at one location and then Tues at 7:45 at the location across town, and then Thursday at 6:30 across town and back on Friday at the nearby rink at 8:30. (then you might have a game an hour away in a snowstorm at 10:00 AM on Saturday, another game a different direction at 3:00 and then another game at home on Sunday at 8:30 AM. I am not claiming I have it SOOOO much harder than anyone else, but hockey is a bit more complex than many other sports (and yes, then there are the people who travel out of state, etc... we don't do that at least). Nothing personal, but also not being flippant... I’m just not sure what kind of advice you’re looking for. If it’s not doable, I would think your job and your husband’s job would take precedence over anything you kids have going on, so... maybe they need to not do sports right now? Ok. I think most people think working different shifts as a hardship since for most it isn’t something they would choose. Although everyone has their own perspective, and I’m sure your experiences give you the perspective that it isn’t a big deal since that is what you know. Family time is important to us and our schedules are already busy, so for me, it seems overwhelming. Not something I can’t do, but stressful and not something I want to do. I asked for tips and experiences —which many have given because I can learn from others who have navigated this path before. If things became truly untenable, we would consider a discussion about hockey, but that isn’t something we would take lightly. My son loves it and it’s incredibly important to him. They are only children once and time is flying by. I would only take it off the table after we have tried everything else.
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IAmUnoriginal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on May 8, 2019 1:00:23 GMT
DH has worked 2nd and/or 3rd shift the last 7.5 years. We had a 12 year old and a 6 month old when it started. We figured it out. I had the steady 8-5 gig and most parenting and day-to-day stuff fell on me. Band, marching band, toddlerhood, no family in the area, we managed it all. You will, too. It’s time for honesty with your boys. Like my older son, your boys are old enough to help keep the household going during the week. They can start learning to cook, pack their lunches, and help with keeping the house clean. DH can help by doing household chores and necessary errands after you and the kids are gone for the day. It will save your evenings and weekends for more quality family time vs. chores/errands.
If your school allows upper HS students to be Teacher’s Assistants for credit, find yourself a helper. I did that for my HS Biology teacher my Junior and Senior year while he was getting his Master’s, coaching varsity basketball, and raising 3 young boys with his also-a-teacher-and-volleyball coach wife. I graded tests, kept his grade book, ran copies, etc. They made it work and I know your family will find its rhythm, too. Be patient with yourselves. Expect bumps. Ask for help when you need it. You’ll find parents who will gladly help or swap favors with you. It all works out.
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,795
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on May 8, 2019 1:13:55 GMT
I also think at this point you are understandably in panic mode because of the change/unknown. I'm sure you'll find your way on the new path. Good luck.
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Post by Basket1lady on May 8, 2019 18:05:22 GMT
Nothing personal, but also not being flippant... I’m just not sure what kind of advice you’re looking for. If it’s not doable, I would think your job and your husband’s job would take precedence over anything you kids have going on, so... maybe they need to not do sports right now? Ok. I think most people think working different shifts as a hardship since for most it isn’t something they would choose. Although everyone has their own perspective, and I’m sure your experiences give you the perspective that it isn’t a big deal since that is what you know. Family time is important to us and our schedules are already busy, so for me, it seems overwhelming. Not something I can’t do, but stressful and not something I want to do. I asked for tips and experiences —which many have given because I can learn from others who have navigated this path before. If things became truly untenable, we would consider a discussion about hockey, but that isn’t something we would take lightly. My son loves it and it’s incredibly important to him. They are only children once and time is flying by. I would only take it off the table after we have tried everything else. It sounds like maybe you are getting your head around this a bit. It's doable. It's just different. Our family is pretty close and they still come home on breaks. And we spend a lot of that time that they are home together. Eating together was important to me and we were all together on the weekends. I would suggest that if you want to make it easier on yourself, hire a college student to drive the kids to activities. You can join them at the rink when you are done with work. Make it a family rule that the boys can only stay home alone for X amount of time--anymore than that and they have to go to the other's practice. If there is an activity bus, a school activity like robotics may be easier, as that son will have transportation home. If you can't afford a helper, you swap with other parents. The family whose husband was deployed is a good start. You already know her and she gets how hard it is to be a semi-single parent during the week. When someone did a favor for me with the kids, I'd often bring flowers to say thank you. It's not expensive and it's hard to say no to something so simple (vs gift cards and the such.) One thing that I would really encourage you to do is to look to the positive. I don't think I did a good job of that when DS did his first shift job and it really colored how the whole family looked at our life. It was a drastic change, we were in a foreign country, and the kids were young. But my poor attitude really soured how we looked at our life and gave DH a lot of guilt. There are some positives; you just need to find them. I wish you and your family luck as you navigate this next step.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 3:14:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2019 19:02:04 GMT
I'm an RN who works shifts in a hospital 45 miles away and dd's father is a funeral director. We don't have family nearby. You do what you have to do. Friends help.
ETA: it's overwhelming at first but take it one week at a time. You will probably rearrange your schedule more now to run the kids from here to there. Maybe your dh will find a day job in the near future and this is temporary. I remember these words from the days as a single parent working full time. someone it becomes your new normal, and one day you will look back and think...how the heck did we do that....
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Post by bunnyhug on May 8, 2019 19:18:32 GMT
I’m the mom of two midget hockey players and one 20 year old ringette player ... so in the phase of our life where the kids can drive themselves to practice, which is awesome!! My advice to you about hockey is to walk into the first parent meeting of the year, tell the whole group what your issues may be with making ice times, and ask for help (and advance forgiveness!). Then volunteer for a team job that doesn’t require you being at all the ice times (treasurer, not jersey parent, lol!) and pull your weight on the team. My dh has coached since our kids started, and it is a rare practice that he isn’t picking up at least a couple extra kids—especially the early morning ones when he figures the fewer people forced to be up and at the rink, the better. Coaches understand how hard it is to make things work—dh often has had to be away for work and miss hockey himself, but that’s why there are multiple coaches per team!
My only words of wisdom about how to make it all work—you just have to make it work. Stuff is going to fall through the cracks, stuff won’t be done as well as you’d like, You either roll with it, or you let something go ...
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