The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on May 6, 2019 21:00:59 GMT
So, my Dh, after 28 years at the same company and 24 of those years as a first shift supervisor, had his position eliminated in March. It was sudden, but not without clues/concerns (his boss, the plant manager was let go in Jan, he was in a shifting/dying industry, the company was bought out three years ago and it seems to be slowly phasing out this company even though they claimed they were not and DH was at the top of the pay scale. We knew it might come, but he had been "assured" that his position was safe by a bigwig the month before. Nice, right?
Anyway, he got severance for a couple of months and began looking for a job as a production manager/supervisor NOT in the field he was in before. He interviewed for three jobs. One he was turned down, one he has a final interview on Wednesday with the president of the company, and he got an offer on the third job on Friday. He verbally accepted the job today and has a few days to sign the papers.
This is a good stable company, above average/excellent benefits, he knows another shift supervisor there (his old boss lol) and he will have similar pay to his old job--- but with bonuses (his old job didn't have bonuses.) However, it is second shift 3pm to 11pm.
We have eleven year old twins. I am a teacher and often stay 30 min-1.5 hours after and/or have grading/meetings, etc... after school/evenings. My one son is very busy and is in travel hockey (usually practice three weeknights--driving, dressing and practice = about 2 hours each night). The other son isn't in hockey, but he has other obligations at times and wants to get back into karate and doesn't like to go to the rink....I could probably get him there once a week. I don't want him home alone all the time. My mom does live in town, so I can use her, but she has limited mobility (but can drive and hang with my son). My DH took my son to hockey practice about 60% of the time before.
How the hell are we going to do this? I worry about trying to do it all. I am worried about my DH not seeing my kids during the week other than for 30 minutes while we are getting ready in the morning. Summers will be nice, but we like to camp and such, and now he works Friday nights besides. Ugh. He will likely not have the option any time soon to move to day shift. (maybe third shift though).
Anyway, any tips? Any success stories? I am sure there are horror stories too. You can share those as well. Dh is still taking the Wed interview. That is a first shift job. We don't know if or what they would offer, but if they are even a few grand less a year, I think he would have to take the first shift job.
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smcast
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Post by smcast on May 6, 2019 21:09:20 GMT
I'm an RN who works shifts in a hospital 45 miles away and dd's father is a funeral director. We don't have family nearby. You do what you have to do. Friends help.
ETA: it's overwhelming at first but take it one week at a time. You will probably rearrange your schedule more now to run the kids from here to there. Maybe your dh will find a day job in the near future and this is temporary.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on May 6, 2019 21:43:01 GMT
What would you do if he was offered a job working 8-5?
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 6, 2019 21:55:15 GMT
My sister lived that life for most of her kids’ growing up years and it’s definitely not easy. Almost all of the parenting is going to fall on you. I remember her saying frequently, “I’m tired of being the only one who can think around here!” She was always exhausted from all the chasing around not only for the kids but with household stuff too. With your son that plays hockey, is it possible to find another family on the team that he could carpool with at least some of the time and then you drive their kid when you can? I only have one kid and we limit the extracurriculars she does so it’s manageable for us because we don’t have any backup really either. I don’t know how the people with 2-3 kids do it to get them everywhere they need to go. Good luck and I hope you can figure something out that works for your family.
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compeateropeator
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Post by compeateropeator on May 6, 2019 22:22:09 GMT
I am sorry that your husband and you and your family is having to possibly deal with a drastic and unwanted change. I imagine it will be difficult, but I am sure there are ways to make it work if needed. I work 2nd shift but am single so I don't have a spouse or children to work around. I work 4 to midnight and love it, but I am a night person (and again single). I love having my days open for errands, hanging out, and whatever. The shift differential is also a nice perk. Hardly any traffic when I go home and the grocery store isn't too bad either.  I hope you get some great tips and information. Once again I am sorry that you are dealing with this situation. |
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Post by smokeynspike on May 7, 2019 1:02:35 GMT
Sounds like the biggie logistically will be the getting the kids to practices. I'd hire a college student to run them around the few days a week that is needed. I'd save my energy for games and home time if I was going to have to do it all myself for an extended period. Then. I'd keep my fingers crossed that my DH could switch shifts after a bit for the rest.
I'm happy for you that he found a new job so quickly!
Melissa
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pilcas
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Post by pilcas on May 7, 2019 1:20:50 GMT
You will deal with it. When my kids were young I hired someone to pick up the kids from school and stay with them until I got home from work. You and they will get used to it. Good luck. It sounds like the job has its good points.
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stittsygirl
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Post by stittsygirl on May 7, 2019 1:21:56 GMT
I’ve always worked either night shift or second shift. I’m currently working second shift at my hospital but just came off 18 months of nights. My husband has also been in Afghanistan for the past two years. It’s doable, you just have to readjust your expectations about family time and make the most of your weekends.
I’m fortunate that my oldest son drives and can drive his younger siblings (13 and 15) places for me in the afternoon and evenings.
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Post by 950nancy on May 7, 2019 1:35:06 GMT
It isn't ideal, but it is doable. Maybe their dad can be the one who gets up with them and gets them to school. Breakfast can be the new dinner. The kids can get up earlier and spend some time with dad while you get ready. He can also runs some errands and clean so the weekends are just for family.
I know teaching and getting kids to sports is hard. My husband worked 9-8 most days and I was solely responsible for getting my boys almost everywhere.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on May 7, 2019 3:16:37 GMT
Thanks for the feedback. My dh did work a lot of OT off and on for weeks at a time, so I’ve done the solo gig, but that was always an end in sight.
Luckily my kids are old enough to stay home alone. This would have been untenable when they were younger. Also, the first six years of their life, we had no family in town. At least my mom can help in a pinch.
Hiring a person isn’t going to work for us. I wish I could.
Thanks again for any insight.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on May 7, 2019 3:18:21 GMT
What would you do if he was offered a job working 8-5? If he was offered the other job, and the pay wasn’t substantially less, he would probably take the day shift. |
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Post by freecharlie on May 7, 2019 3:46:31 GMT
Dh took a giant pay cut when they wanted him to move to 2nd shift and he said no.
The pay cut (amounts to about $700/month) is killing us, but DH would have had to miss all of ds's senior stuff.
Of course he would do it if it was that or nothing
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Post by nlwilkins on May 7, 2019 3:55:48 GMT
Don't make decisions based on short term situations. Your kids are more than half way there soon they will be taking care of their own activies so these issues will only last a few years. I know it seems like a long time, but really it will be over soon and what shift your husband works will longer be an issue. It will be handy having him off in the morning so he can take care of sick children, or their drs. appt and the like. Also he can get so much done in the mornings if he learns how to get in bed as soon as he gets home.
Its completely do-able. You learn what is most important and priotize. Your mom could possibly enjoy the tme spent with the grandkids and it would be a great way for her to connect and be there for them. Like was mentioned above, hubby can take over norming duties so you can perhaps go into school earlier and have meetings and grade papers then - or take papers home to grade.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on May 7, 2019 4:11:52 GMT
There are perks to this schedule: if the kids are sick, need to be picked up from school, have a dental appt, whatever, your DH can handle it. If someone needs to wait for the cable guy or a package delivery your DH can handle it. Maybe while he can help less with the kids in the evening, he can do the grocery shopping or meal prep to make your evenings with the kids easier.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2019 4:26:03 GMT
What would you do if he was offered a job working 8-5? If he was offered the other job, and the pay wasn’t substantially less, he would probably take the day shift. I think she meant with hockey, karate, ect. My sister was a single mom in college and teaching under an emergency cred. My nephew was in baseball. She got it done. Ask other team moms if they are willing to help out with transportation for hockey. See if any other of your son's friends are in karate, where and go there. Then he can get a lift with that friend. You will just need to seek outside resources. Luckily for my sis there was me/dh and my parents who helped out when needed. |
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Post by Zee on May 7, 2019 4:32:41 GMT
You do what you have to do to make it work. Throughout my marriage I've worked 2nd and 3rd shift. The majority of the parenting fell on DH and the husbands of my co-workers a large part of the time unless we were working 12 hr shifts.
Your kids are 11 so it's a bit easier than when they are babies. Not ideal, but I think you'll find it's not so awful as you expect. My kids weren't involved in a ton of activities though (their choice), which was fine by me so we could have some family time on my days off.
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Post by Basket1lady on May 7, 2019 4:57:29 GMT
DH has done evening shift work twice. Just like everything in life, there are plusses and minuses.
The midnight to 5pm job was horrible, as it was 7 days a week with one day off a month and only an hour or so off if absolutely needed. Luckily that was only for 2 years. He would come home and sleep for an hour, eat dinner and give the kids a bath, then sleep for a few more hours. The kids probably only saw him for an hour a day, but he was almost always 100% there for them, not on the phone, watching TV, or doing paperwork. There weren't any plusses to that job. It was just something to get through. We were stationed in Seoul, North Korea was feeling antsy, and he was filling 2 billets. I spent a lot of money on our housekeeper and sitters, as I could never count on DH to be there if I had a doctor's appt or any other event where I needed child care.
The second job followed that one. It was 7pm to 7am, but with 3 days off every 10 days. He wasn't usually home before they went to school, as there was always something going to keep him past shift end. But he would come home and sleep and then get up when they got home from school. A plus was that he was able to attend daytime school assemblies and field trips, which he has never been able to do since then. After the Seoul job, DH loved that he could come home and just crash vs forcing himself to stay awake for the kids' sake. We would have dinner early and do baths before he left for work. Ironically, the hardest logistic for us was DD's co-op preschool. We had a mandatory parent meeting once a month that children were not allowed at. Fortunately for me, there were two other families in DD's class who were in the same position as I was. No family to help, husbands worked shifts (police officer and fireman) and we couldn't get sitters because we couldn't take the sitter home and leave the kids alone in the house sleeping. So then the school had a babysitting rotation. Yay! We made it work.
Luckily, you have been in the sport for a while and know some parents. I'd start looking for someone to carpool with. Luckily your boys are at the age where they are becoming more independent. Trade off carpooling with other parents and make it work. Yup, it's gonna suck at times and you will feel pulled in all directions. But you can make it work.
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Post by mcscrapper on May 7, 2019 5:17:38 GMT
I've worked either straight up night shift 7p-7a or my current 6p-2a shifts. I've also worked 3p-3a and was a single parent for most of my career to a dd that played travel soccer. She even played at a pretty high level which required a lot of long distance travel - by plane and on the road. You just make it work.
You rely on family, friends, and the occasional paid helpers to pick up some of the slack. College students are great for picking up your kids after school and hanging for a few hours. A lot of school systems offer after-school care for a few hours and the cost is very reasonable especially for parents that work for the system.
I had to rely on my parents or the parents of my dd's friends to help pick up and take to soccer practices, etc. when I was working.
I also hired a housekeeper so I could have more time on the weekends for quality time. You just make adjustments to make it work for you and your family.
With all of the grocery pick-up services these days, that is a no-brainer too.
Your husband can pick up some of the slack during the day - he is perfectly capable to run errands and clean house and do laundry. It can work. There will be some adjustment period and maybe even some re-division of the labor and effort but I'll bet you can make it work.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 7, 2019 9:49:20 GMT
I will say that I don’t know much about the situation but my boyfriend’s daughter and her husband do it. She is management for a hospital so I think she works 3-12’s but they also have his parents and her mother helping out with daycare for their three-year-old daughter. He also works second shift but just from the limited times I have seen them, they seem pretty stressed out but that could be because they are a two income family with a little one. I wish you well in your decision.
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Post by workingclassdog on May 7, 2019 15:29:39 GMT
I have had to work with DH crazy schedule all my life.. sometimes he has great hours sometimes not.... we figured it out... BUT be thankful you don't have babies... THAT is hard. At least the kids are older and you can work around that.... as they can stay by themselves a bit and old enough to know if mom is running late that they can manage without you for stuff like that...
My husband is gone usually for six weeks at a time and DD is just turning 11. She is pretty independent and can be alone until I get home from work. (We also have a 22 year at home, but I don't depend on her because of her schedule) but it is nice that sometimes she is there just for a body. I have had to depend on friends/neighbor to help if she is sick. Otherwise, we just go day by day.. it works.
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Gennifer
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Post by Gennifer on May 7, 2019 17:21:05 GMT
I’ve done nights/weekends our whole married life, and raised four kids this way. I didn’t realize it was that difficult of a thing... you just do it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2019 17:27:50 GMT
Instead of staying late you go in early.
Find another family who can help with carpooling.
Now is the time for your kids to learn self-reliance. Make them responsible for cooking dinner and clean-up one/two nights a week.
When summer comes camping shifts from Fri-Sun to Sat-Mon, or DH negotiates more vacation days into his overall compensation package to accommodate more time off.
Overall - I don't mean this to sound harsh - but I suggest reconciling what you want with what you can do to make it work.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on May 7, 2019 17:48:31 GMT
I’ve done nights/weekends our whole married life, and raised four kids this way. I didn’t realize it was that difficult of a thing... you just do it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Sigh. I am guessing you are just being flippant and don't mean anything personal, but of course we just do it. I have done a lot of hard things in my life. I am not some pampered princess, but the logistics of a full time (teaching) job, managing a household, and the part time job of lugging a hockey player to practice is overwhelming. Just an fyi: If "you" haven't done hockey, it is hard to understand because it is different than most sports in that you don't have consistent practice time. My son is in LAX for the summer. They practice the same time at the same location every week. Yes, game times and locations vary, but it is SOOO much easier to manage than hockey (and it is not dark and below zero LOL). Hockey varies from week to week due to ice availability. So, one week we have practice Monday at 5:30 at one location and then Tues at 7:45 at the location across town, and then Thursday at 6:30 across town and back on Friday at the nearby rink at 8:30. (then you might have a game an hour away in a snowstorm at 10:00 AM on Saturday, another game a different direction at 3:00 and then another game at home on Sunday at 8:30 AM. I am not claiming I have it SOOOO much harder than anyone else, but hockey is a bit more complex than many other sports (and yes, then there are the people who travel out of state, etc... we don't do that at least). |
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Post by jassy on May 7, 2019 18:22:47 GMT
You can and will survive!
We have worked the craziest schedules. When my boys were little, my husband worked from 9pm-5am (and then was with them all day while i worked - truly a superman, and saint among men!).
Now, he works from 9am-9pm, so kind of similar to what you are looking at in that he hasn't been able to help in the evenings. We've made it work - carpooling is a lifesaver, and it's awesome that your mom can help a bit too.
You just have to lower your expectations a bit - it was really hard for me to realize I can't always get a "good" homecooked meal on the table. I had to adjust to the fact that you know what - grilled cheese and fresh veggies and dip is a perfectly acceptable meal. And it is OK!
Now, with your husband's schedule you have a big advantage - he can do things like banking, taking cars in for repair, grocery shopping, taking kids to dental/doctor appoints, cut the grass before work, etc. You might actually find yourself GAINING some family time on the weekends because those chores will be out of the way.
My guess is that the hardest thing for your husband will be what was hardest for my husband - missing school plays/productions/events, and when they get into middle school and high school, games and meets. That was really difficult for him. Thankfully, we also had high school soccer games and cross country meets on the weekend as well.
Good Luck!
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Post by mandolyn9909 on May 7, 2019 18:29:20 GMT
I’ve done nights/weekends our whole married life, and raised four kids this way. I didn’t realize it was that difficult of a thing... you just do it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Sigh. I am guessing you are just being flippant and don't mean anything personal, but of course we just do it. I have done a lot of hard things in my life. I am not some pampered princess, but the logistics of a full time (teaching) job, managing a household, and the part time job of lugging a hockey player to practice is overwhelming. Just an fyi: If "you" haven't done hockey, it is hard to understand because it is different than most sports in that you don't have consistent practice time. My son is in LAX for the summer. They practice the same time at the same location every week. Yes, game times and locations vary, but it is SOOO much easier to manage than hockey (and it is not dark and below zero LOL). Hockey varies from week to week due to ice availability. So, one week we have practice Monday at 5:30 at one location and then Tues at 7:45 at the location across town, and then Thursday at 6:30 across town and back on Friday at the nearby rink at 8:30. (then you might have a game an hour away in a snowstorm at 10:00 AM on Saturday, another game a different direction at 3:00 and then another game at home on Sunday at 8:30 AM. I am not claiming I have it SOOOO much harder than anyone else, but hockey is a bit more complex than many other sports (and yes, then there are the people who travel out of state, etc... we don't do that at least). My husband left his job last year, took a pay cut to work closer to home and work a 7-4 job, because we have 15 yr old twins and a 10 year old life was too crazy between hockey, cadets, piano, choir, pathfinders, and part time jobs for the kids! I also have a full time job and work 50+ hours a week in the summer. Luckily for us summer and hockey don't coincide because if it did we wouldn't be able to manage. If your husband is taking this second shift job, I would try and find another parent on the team that you can take turns carpooling with, and I say this as another hockey loving mom unless your kid is amazing at hockey and is headed for the NHL I would think about switching him to a home team if there is one available in your area. That is what we do, Only one practice a week and one to two games on the weekends. It is more manageable for us. I don't think logistically we would have been able to do our travel team. |
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on May 7, 2019 18:38:57 GMT
If your husband is taking this second shift job, I would try and find another parent on the team that you can take turns carpooling with, and I say this as another hockey loving mom unless your kid is amazing at hockey and is headed for the NHL I would think about switching him to a home team if there is one available in your area. That is what we do, Only one practice a week and one to two games on the weekends. It is more manageable for us. I don't think logistically we would have been able to do our travel team. Unfortunately, we don't have house teams after Mites here--only travel. It is nice that he is entering PeeWees and hopefully I should know at least three or four families this year. Hopefully. This year, second year squirts, he only had one other previous teammate from the year before (whose DH was deployed so WE took her son to games and practice quite a few times). My son is a goalie besides, so we had to go to every game and tried to get to all the practices (only goalie for the team). This next year, he will likely be sharing (every other year due to the amount of teams/goalies), so that might help a little...we won't feel as guilty if he has to miss a practice. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on May 7, 2019 18:45:28 GMT
As you have stated, you will make it work if you have to, but it isn't ideal. Until two years ago, my husband worked retail hours and often worked into the evening and weekends. It was just how things were, and we made it work and I didn't think much of it then. I took the kids everywhere alone on the weekends, and got them to sports, from school, etc. But I wouldn't want to go back to it now. I do work evenings often, but also have flexibility so that I can get to the kids games, etc. Now more of the transporting to and from practice falls on DH so that I can work on the evenings when we don't have games. But it is still a juggle to get kids to and from everything. None of our boys are in hockey, but I know what you mean as far as getting kids to and from where they need to go. This month, we have one in school baseball and a travel league (no games right now, but practice several times a week for that), one in track and travel baseball, another in travel baseball, and another that can't be home alone at all and will start baseball this summer. I can't imagine doing everything with only one of us available.
I hope that things work out with the Wednesday interview, but if the second shift job is the better option, you will make it work. It will just take some adjusting. Good luck and keep us posted as to what job he ends up taking!
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psiluvu
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Post by psiluvu on May 7, 2019 18:45:48 GMT
That is a crappy shift with a family. My DH has worked nights for all but 13 months of our 23 yr marriage. First from 9pm to 5am and then 11pm to 7am. So much easier that the middle shift. I also had two kids in competitive hockey (dd was a goalie also) which even with regular shifts makes for a crazy schedule. My advice would be to meal plan and prep so dinner on hockey nights is quick and easy. Car pool with other parents for practices or off ice training. I never wanted to miss games but loved being able to skip practices. Make your ds responsible (if he is not already) for making sure all his equipment is in his bag and ready to go so you don't have to spend your limited time double checking. Maybe you could find a karate studio near your home rink so that some days at least you would only be going in one direction.
Maybe your DH could do the usual weekend errands and some cleaning on his work days so the weekends are more free for family time. Hire a cleaning lady or subscribe to a meal delivery service
Good luck!
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on May 7, 2019 18:47:57 GMT
My guess is that the hardest thing for your husband will be what was hardest for my husband - missing school plays/productions/events, and when they get into middle school and high school, games and meets. That was really difficult for him. Thankfully, we also had high school soccer games and cross country meets on the weekend as well. Good Luck! Yes, that is hard. My DH truly enjoys all the hockey stuff, and likes taking him to practice most days when he can. I do it begrudgingly. My other son wants to be in robotics too. I think they have practices after school, so hopefully, he will be in with a couple friends and we can work something out for pick up. I should also add that my mom is NOT feeble or anything, but she has had two back surgeries and became a widow this last summer. I am her lifeline. I am her DD, best friend and to some extent, helper. She really struggled with all the hockey over the last couple years and especially this year since she is alone without my dad there to talk to. It was a long, harsh winter and I struggle carving out time for my mom, so I think she was a little bitter. I talk to her most days and try to see her at least three or four times a week, but it gets really really hard. My DH does help her out around the house, and hopefully, he can make sure to go over and hang with her without my kids or I at least once or twice a week during the busiest times. And yes, I try to get her to get involved in something. Likely isn't going to happen. |
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2019 21:47:03 GMT
You can absolutely survive, but it won't be the easiest. DH did nights for about 15 years while we were raising 4 kids. It was what was available to start and then we stuck with it intentionally so we needed limited childcare (plus towards the end he stayed on 2nd so he could be the general contractor for our house build). For about 5 years we used part-time nannies for the overlap in the afternoon (even though the oldest 2 kids could have babysat in the later years) instead of daycare and that was HUGE having someone come to us (I always required they could drive kids to activities, too). I would highly consider finding someone for after school at least - if you found a responsible HS or college student they may appreciate the $$ even if it's on an on-call basis. And I know hockey schedules are bad - I was never good at arranging ride shares or asking other parents to take my kids but I would be better about that if I was doing it over again!
My DH always did four 10-hour shifts when he worked nights, which helped. Maybe he can ask about flexing his schedule certain times of the year, such as during hockey season? For us, it got to be less about the kids since we didn't need daycare but I was tired of feeling like a single parent at night and we missed not having more time together. Then after he went to 1st shift, we realized having kids home alone in the summer wasn't great so he actually went back to 2nd shift for a couple of summers.
DH just asked me last week if he should go back to 2nd shift as they need a supervisor (he gave that up to go to 1st shift) and while he liked his days home when he worked 2nd, he really isn't interested in going back to it, even for the money, which would probably be at least $7k a year.
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