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Post by jeremysgirl on May 19, 2019 19:08:39 GMT
He places the mail in random spots around the kitchen every single day. He gets home before me and cleans out the mailbox. I find my mail on the stove top at least twice a week. I was at a party last night when Amazon delivered. I had had a bit to drink. The shirts were for my nieces so when he came to pick me up last night he brought them so I could give them to the kids. I literally walked in the house, took my medicine, and got ready for bed. I didn't even pay any attention to the stove. I think she was referring to your daughter not seeing it before she turned on the stove, not you That makes sense. I was just like, is this my fault because I'm not making a clean sweep of the house before going to bed? I was really too tired and like I said I had a few drinks so I was making a beeline for bed.
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Hestia
Junior Member
Posts: 94
Jun 28, 2014 4:47:17 GMT
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Post by Hestia on May 19, 2019 19:17:18 GMT
I didn't mean to imply you were a control freak, I just wanted to say I am. LOL! It sounds like you're past the point of irritation though. Have you talked to him and the kids about all this? I told my ex I felt like I was in the ocean drowning and he kept piling things on top of my head. Not saying that where you are, but I'd gotten there. I felt so overwhelmed it was ridiculous, and it was just the small things he could've done to help me. The small add up to where you lose your mind. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but it will get better. Just talk and get him to do things on his own.
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Post by chlerbie on May 19, 2019 19:19:08 GMT
Mine is totally flummoxed by anything involving technology. The day that I FINALLY taught him copy and paste on the computer was a glorious day. He has no idea how to fumble around and figure something out. But he's 11 years older than me and for me, it all just came naturally. He once minimized his windows on his laptop and had absolutely no idea how to fix it. I ALWAYS have to help him whenever he's doing something new on the computer (and often when he's done something before and just doesn't remember how to do it--like saving a photo and then adding it to Facebook. It's sometimes irritating but I just try and remember all of the things that he does to help me every day and that makes it better to know that I can help him, too.
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RosieKat
Drama Llama
PeaJect #12
Posts: 5,538
Jun 25, 2014 19:28:04 GMT
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Post by RosieKat on May 19, 2019 19:45:48 GMT
But I feel like the longer we are together, the more he relies on me. I actually think this is a normal occurrence in any long term relationship. It's not that Person A is the only one capable of doing, say, the bills, and Person B simply can't do it. It's that Person A takes that on as a job and often it's because they enjoy that task or relatively don't dislike it. We naturally relinquish control of the things we dislike when we find someone else is willing to deal with it. Then we will, in turn, take on responsibilities that they dislike. I just feel like nobody follows through on anything. And then when I say something everybody is like, I don't understand why you are so irritated it's such a small thing. Well it's a million small things everyday. Yeah, I definitely hear that. That's life in this house, too, and life with the people who "work for me" in my volunteer job, and, well, basically everyone I know except a few rare people.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 19, 2019 20:13:21 GMT
Good for you jeremysgirl! I love that you are looking for ways to fix the areas of contention. I feel like I should do the same in my life instead of just holding a grudge. I love him and the kids. I don't want to walk around irritated at anyone. I'm trying to find solutions to our problems so we can live as happily as possible.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 3:09:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2019 20:26:36 GMT
Not irritated. I would have to find out myself if I needed to know.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on May 19, 2019 20:40:02 GMT
This wouldn’t bother me...lots of people don’t even deal with checks anymore so they wouldn’t know the difference between the two numbers at the bottom of the check.
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Post by scrapmaven on May 19, 2019 20:42:36 GMT
Irritated and sounds a lot like my DH. Did he / does he have dyslexia? My sister's DH was and still is dyslexic and has had the women of his life do all the intellectual stuff for his entire life. His mom did his high school homework. My sister does all the finances and business type arrangements for their marriage as well as their business when they were running a very successful auto restoration shop. He is almost 60 and has never used an ATM, wrote a check or used his debit card. Yes, he does have dyslexia. I know he doesn't read well so I help him with things like that. But I didn't think that maybe it might impact something like this. Dyslexia could make the bottom of the check confusing. I have dysgraphia and I get confused w/the numbers. Sometimes having a learning disability will make you second guess everything you do. I know I can be annoying, because some very simple things are like rocket science. My advice is to focus on the wonderful things that Jeremy does that make you love him.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 3:09:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2019 20:52:46 GMT
Dyslexia and unfamiliarity with bank numbers would trip me up. Have him hide a blank check in his wallet so the next time his atm card won't work he can just use the blank check or hand it to the person needing the account info.
I"d also give a teen or older "kid" grief for not looking that the burners are ALL clear before turning one on. After all they had to be facing the stove to see the knob.
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Post by pierkiss on May 19, 2019 21:11:49 GMT
The check thing would irk me. I would have saved myself some time and circled the answer on the picture and resent it to him instead of typing out all those numbers. But to be fair, every time I need to know the routing number off a check I have to google it because I can’t rememver which number at the bottom is which. I would be annoyed with my husband in this situation because if I can google it to get an answer then so can he. 😁
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Post by jenjie on May 19, 2019 21:46:19 GMT
Yes, he does have dyslexia. I know he doesn't read well so I help him with things like that. But I didn't think that maybe it might impact something like this. Dyslexia could make the bottom of the check confusing. I have dysgraphia and I get confused w/the numbers. Sometimes having a learning disability will make you second guess everything you do. I know I can be annoying, because some very simple things are like rocket science. My advice is to focus on the wonderful things that Jeremy does that make you love him.
Wait this is a thing? Logan has dysgraphia and he really struggles with math. Well it appears to be a power struggle. He tries to do it all in his head and doesn’t want to write the steps, a requirement for algebra. Plus it’s not like he’s getting the answers right... he takes forever to do math homework and often “forgets” that he didn’t finish or whatever. Do you think this might be helpful for him? www.simplek12.com/3-minute-problem-solver/help-struggling-math-students-dysgraphia/OP part of a partnership is helping each other with the stuff. Although I know it can be annoying! Dh often asked me to make phone calls when he was at work. I had such a hard time with it bc I would not push, they would say no and I’d be like Ok, this is what they said... and he’d say WHY didn’t you say ABC or ask for XYZ? I know he was frustrated but I could NOT assert myself.
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Post by littlemama on May 19, 2019 21:52:48 GMT
I would be irritated at the store that they could not run his debit card and that they could not figure out the routing number.
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Post by LisaDV on May 19, 2019 21:52:59 GMT
Hestia I am not a control freak type of person at all. I think I am just at the end of my rope. My kids are 19 &17 and I am ready for an empty nest. It seems like all three of them, Jeremy and my kids are all so stubborn that nothing ever gets taken care of unless I do it. They just don't seem to care. For example my husband got the mail yesterday and there was a bag from Amazon. He opened it and brought me the t-shirts in the bag, but then left the bag on top of the oven. I did not notice it. My DD came home last night after I was in bed, decided to cook and then melted part of the bag on the stove top. If one of the two of them would have put the bag in the trash, it wouldn't have happened. I have a table set up with my boom box, my diecut machine and my printer. I am constantly taking trash to the recycling bin. Because they all put their empty recyclables on top of all my machines on the table. Yesterday he emptied the dishwasher. Nice, huh? He left the silverware drawer open. Why? I just feel like nobody follows through on anything. And then when I say something everybody is like, I don't understand why you are so irritated it's such a small thing. Well it's a million small things everyday. YES!! It's a million small things everyday!!! I'm so there with you. The check thing would have irritated me a little bit because the people there would have been able to tell which number is which. I wouldn't be upset with him not knowing where to look, just that he didn't think to get the people there to help him since they were there and I wasn't. But I wouldn't have been upset enough to do or say anything. That's definitely not my hill. My DH will leave doors/drawers open on occasion. For some reason what annoyed me most was the bedroom closet door when we had the sliding door closet. Always open to his side. They say it's part of a type A personality. Seeing the big picture but not so good with the smaller details. Personally I call it lazy. Now that we have had walk-in closets it's not that big of a deal. The farm didn't have a door on the walk in closet at all, and at the new house you have to go through the sink part of the bathroom to get to it. It's always open. We do close the bathroom door at bedtime though. He would never pick up after himself until recently. Last year he started putting away his shoes (mostly), it only took my nagging and complaining for 20 years! I'll take it. When I tripped over them, I would literally kick them towards him for YEARS! I did ask nicely at first after putting them away for him. Then I asked nicely while leaving them there for him to put away. Then I would kick them as ferociously as I could. Heck, the kids were so good at putting their shoes away because I made them put their dad's away too and they would get ticked at his shoes being out. He couldn't be bothered to make a bed. I like the bed made. Doesn't matter. He hears some military big wig speech about making the bed, he makes the bed. It connected with a different part of his brain. Sure, it still ticks me off a little that because it was something I liked he couldn't be bothered, but some dude mentions it as a motivational thing and you're all in. He's not usually the last one out of bed these days so I don't know if it would still apply for him. He has come a long way in the last 20 years. I'm curious as to where we'll be in another 20. Last week, I asked him really nicely if he would rinse his soda cans. He just leaves them piled up on the counter. Really, is it my job to rinse them and put them in the recycle. I don't think so. He, to my shock and dismay, actually started rinsing them today. Now I will give that a few months to sink in and then ask that he takes the rinsed cans to the recycling. Hang in there. All this and what I come up with is, it's me learning to communicate to him in a way he can understand and "get". I wonder if he has to do the same for me? I have definitely worked to come up with things that will work for the both of us. He used to leave his keys and pocket junk on whatever surface was close. I got him a container for that location. Cute and contained and not an eyesore. I think you are on the right track with your mail and moving your table/machines.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on May 19, 2019 22:20:26 GMT
My husband cannot make any decision on his own. I said something to him the last time we went to pick something out that it was frustrating to make 4 different store trips and never come to a decision. I’m also much more firm in making decisions for us. If he doesn’t like it he can make a decision
Can’t help with the banking. Mine is pretty old fashioned and we pay everything by check.
But yes to the helplessness. Frustrating!
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 19, 2019 22:25:43 GMT
Ok we had a talk today. I let the check thing go but I seriously told him about all the little things that are driving me nuts. I was very sincere about it but I took him around the house and pointed things out to him. I told him I want to be more organized and I said that there were things where I could be more organized too. I let him tell me a few things that would make things easier for him to be organized. And then I went to Target while he was putting his new grill together. I came back and I completely organized the disaster of a shelf where bills and important paperwork go. I am very pleased with myself because as I said in a thread last week about trying to develope good habits, one of my weaknesses was bills/mail. So....now everything is neat and tidy. I gave him a place where he can put the mail and he was fine with that.
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MsKnit
Pearl Clutcher
RefuPea #1406
Posts: 2,648
Jun 26, 2014 19:06:42 GMT
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Post by MsKnit on May 19, 2019 23:29:01 GMT
I'd be irritated, but I would also blame myself for having handled all the financial stuff to the point that he doesn't know what to do. Then again, I'm sure DH gets irritated with me when he's asking for a measurement and I'm like 8'3 and 3/8", wait 2/8... I mean 1/4... well between the 1/4 and 3/8. I just say 9 feet 4 inches and 5 dots (lines). I simply don’t care to figure it out if it is anything other than quarters. OP, I would be irritated too.
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Post by 950nancy on May 19, 2019 23:43:28 GMT
I got very irritated with Jeremy today and I want to know if this might irritate you or if I'm completely out of line. Here's the situation: he went to buy a new BBQ grill this morning. We looked around Friday night and picked out a new grill at the Sears outlet. He went by himself to get it this morning. I got a phone call from him. But my phone is screwed up and I can't answer a phone call. So he texts me. For some reason they ran his debit card three times and it wouldn't work. So because this place does financing (we weren't financing, just buying it outright) they can do an ACH from our bank. So he wants to know our bank information. I send him a picture of a check from our checkbook. Then he asks me what the routing number is. I tell him it's right on the check. Then he says he doesn't know which one it is. So I have to type out the number. Then he asks me what the account number is and again I say it's right on the check. But again I type it all out for him. By this time I am so irritated with him. Shit like this happens all.the.time. I feel like he can never handle anything financial on his own. When we met, he was 36. Now how do you get to be 36 and not know that the numbers on the bottom of your check are the routing and account numbers? My two children know this. And it isn't just this instance. It's stupid shit too. I will say something like will you go pick out a nice shirt for his youngest DD. And he will text me 42 different shirt pics because he can't make a decision himself. I won't even send him to the grocery store by himself anymore. I have just gotten to the point where it's easier to do everything myself.Maybe this is just an irrational vent. But I feel like the longer we are together, the more he relies on me. Noooooooo! My dad was like this with anything he didn't really want to do and my mom did more than she should have. Sometimes guys do this on purpose. Instead of doing it for him or responding to his questions right away, wait and respond later. Make him struggle. (It is the way I learn, so I know it works.) It sounds like he knows you will step up (even when you are beyond frustrated). Make him be more independent again. Let him go to the grocery store and bring home the wrong stuff. When you eat crap for dinner, he'll pay more attention next time. My husband has done the grocery shopping independently for 25 years. Yes, it was a struggle in the beginning, but he did learn and sometimes he gets the wrong stuff and that is okay. Think of it like teaching your kid to tie his own shoes. If you do it or buy him velcro shoes, he'll never learn. Perhaps a little guidance on the shirt before he leaves the house like remember to find something cotton that is green will help and then do not answer his texts right away. It isn't an irrational vent. But you can change him. Baby steps.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 19, 2019 23:56:54 GMT
I was going to say irritated until you mentioned he’s dyslexic. I’d totally give him a pass on that part. But texting pictures of 42 shirts! Geez dude, PICK ONE. It’s not that hard. That would annoy me. I’ve said before that DH used to pile up empty containers on the counter next to the kitchen trash instead of opening the cabinet door and dropping it in for YEARS and it drove me insane. Finally one day I got more than a little mad and said, “WHY do you do this? It makes me crazy! Just THROW THE CRAP AWAY!!!” His response was, “That way you know what we’re out of.” Seriously? My response to that was, “OR, you *could* just throw it away and WRITE it on the shopping list, right here on the fridge...” He hasn’t done it since. One of my sisters is married to a guy who would not for the life of him make a decision. When her kids were little, she had to make almost every decision for every little thing and it drove her mad. She would always say, “I *HATE* being the only one with a brain in this house!” Finally it got to the point where she decided the only way to fix it was to force her DH to make some decisions himself. As in, we’re NOT leaving this store until YOU PICK something. Over the years since, he has gotten much, much better. There is hope!
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 20, 2019 0:04:03 GMT
950nancy does your DH do the cooking? Because my problem is that if I send him to the store, I have to write out everything. Like 2-3 pounds of ground beef 85% lean family size pack. By the time I write him a list with the amount of detail he needs, I could have shopped twice. Plus he doesn't cook. So I can't say I'm making X and him know what ingredients to get.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 3:09:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2019 0:14:30 GMT
950nancy does your DH do the cooking? Because my problem is that if I send him to the store, I have to write out everything. Like 2-3 pounds of ground beef 85% lean family size pack. By the time I write him a list with the amount of detail he needs, I could have shopped twice. Plus he doesn't cook. So I can't say I'm making X and him know what ingredients to get. Do you guys use an "Alexa" type device at home? I LOVE the shopping list even if I don't plan to buy it from Amazon. I can just tell my list to Alexa in as much detail as I want, then in the store open the ap and see my list. It would save you time writing it all down.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 20, 2019 0:19:39 GMT
950nancy does your DH do the cooking? Because my problem is that if I send him to the store, I have to write out everything. Like 2-3 pounds of ground beef 85% lean family size pack. By the time I write him a list with the amount of detail he needs, I could have shopped twice. Plus he doesn't cook. So I can't say I'm making X and him know what ingredients to get. Do you guys use an "Alexa" type device at home? I LOVE the shopping list even if I don't plan to buy it from Amazon. I can just tell my list to Alexa in as much detail as I want, then in the store open the ap and see my list. It would save you time writing it all down. We don't have one but that's a pretty interesting use for one. I admit I don't know all the possibilities.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 20, 2019 0:53:04 GMT
Do you guys use an "Alexa" type device at home? I LOVE the shopping list even if I don't plan to buy it from Amazon. I can just tell my list to Alexa in as much detail as I want, then in the store open the ap and see my list. It would save you time writing it all down. We don't have one but that's a pretty interesting use for one. I admit I don't know all the possibilities. Some grocery list phone apps also have the ability for more than one person to access the same list. So you could both add stuff to the list and either person could see the list when at the store. Some will allow you to make the list in your phone and email the list to the other person actually doing the shopping.
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Post by 950nancy on May 20, 2019 1:19:04 GMT
950nancy does your DH do the cooking? Because my problem is that if I send him to the store, I have to write out everything. Like 2-3 pounds of ground beef 85% lean family size pack. By the time I write him a list with the amount of detail he needs, I could have shopped twice. Plus he doesn't cook. So I can't say I'm making X and him know what ingredients to get. No, I do the cooking. I think through time I started writing less and less. I found a grocery list at the grocery store that I altered and wrote notes on. I made copies and then if I wanted something, I just highlighted the things we needed off of the list. It made making a list very convenient. I do all of the Target runs and other errands like that, but food he covers. I'm not saying it won't take (a lot of) time to get it right, but you gotta put the ball back in his court and not worry if the meat is not quite right. You deserve to have more time to yourself and not be in charge of everything. When I was pregnant, one of my coworkers pulled me aside and said that the biggest mistake she made as a mom was wanting everything done her way so she didn't let her husband do much. He didn't bathe the kid right, feed him right etc. That was over 25 years ago and I remember thinking that my mom had probably done that to my dad and that was why she did so (too) much. I know my husband does more than most hubbies, but I am okay with him doing it his way and frankly, through the years, he's much more thorough at cleaning than I am now.
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