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Post by jeremysgirl on May 19, 2019 16:52:43 GMT
I got very irritated with Jeremy today and I want to know if this might irritate you or if I'm completely out of line.
Here's the situation: he went to buy a new BBQ grill this morning. We looked around Friday night and picked out a new grill at the Sears outlet. He went by himself to get it this morning.
I got a phone call from him. But my phone is screwed up and I can't answer a phone call. So he texts me. For some reason they ran his debit card three times and it wouldn't work. So because this place does financing (we weren't financing, just buying it outright) they can do an ACH from our bank. So he wants to know our bank information. I send him a picture of a check from our checkbook.
Then he asks me what the routing number is. I tell him it's right on the check. Then he says he doesn't know which one it is. So I have to type out the number. Then he asks me what the account number is and again I say it's right on the check. But again I type it all out for him.
By this time I am so irritated with him. Shit like this happens all.the.time. I feel like he can never handle anything financial on his own. When we met, he was 36. Now how do you get to be 36 and not know that the numbers on the bottom of your check are the routing and account numbers? My two children know this.
And it isn't just this instance. It's stupid shit too. I will say something like will you go pick out a nice shirt for his youngest DD. And he will text me 42 different shirt pics because he can't make a decision himself. I won't even send him to the grocery store by himself anymore. I have just gotten to the point where it's easier to do everything myself.
Maybe this is just an irrational vent. But I feel like the longer we are together, the more he relies on me.
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Post by Giraffe on May 19, 2019 16:56:41 GMT
Irritated.
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Post by cindyupnorth on May 19, 2019 16:58:01 GMT
I think men just have like dumb days, or something. I swear, my dh can find his way to any Cabala's in any city/state, but yet, he can NOT follow the directions that google is giving us step by step. WTH? He's like..here? here?
And some days he act's totally helpless. Like WTH? how do you even have a job? So I get ya.
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Post by mustlovecats on May 19, 2019 17:03:46 GMT
I literally never ever ever use checks ever, so I would probably have to look up which is the routing number and which is the account number. I’m going with not irritated.
But for what it’s worth, yesterday I asked my husband to do laundry. I always do all the laundry because it works for us. But I was cleaning my moms house and didn’t have time. He put a load in and promptly declared that the washer was broken because at the start of the cycle it spins and stops, spins and stops, puts a little water in and spins and stops... literally he does laundry so seldom that he thought the normal cycle of our washing machine was actually our washing machine malfunctioning. I’m going with Dad is having a dumb day on that one.
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Post by SweetieBugs on May 19, 2019 17:08:35 GMT
Irritated and sounds a lot like my DH. Did he / does he have dyslexia? My sister's DH was and still is dyslexic and has had the women of his life do all the intellectual stuff for his entire life. His mom did his high school homework. My sister does all the finances and business type arrangements for their marriage as well as their business when they were running a very successful auto restoration shop. He is almost 60 and has never used an ATM, wrote a check or used his debit card.
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valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,682 
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Post by valincal on May 19, 2019 17:10:31 GMT
I might feel a little irritated but then remember we all have our strengths and weaknesses.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 19, 2019 17:12:30 GMT
Irritated and sounds a lot like my DH. Did he / does he have dyslexia? My sister's DH was and still is dyslexic and has had the women of his life do all the intellectual stuff for his entire life. His mom did his high school homework. My sister does all the finances and business type arrangements for their marriage as well as their business when they were running a very successful auto restoration shop. He is almost 60 and has never used an ATM, wrote a check or used his debit card. Yes, he does have dyslexia. I know he doesn't read well so I help him with things like that. But I didn't think that maybe it might impact something like this. |
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Post by MichyM on May 19, 2019 17:22:30 GMT
I literally never ever ever use checks ever, so I would probably have to look up which is the routing number and which is the account number. I’m going with not irritated. But for what it’s worth, yesterday I asked my husband to do laundry. I always do all the laundry because it works for us. But I was cleaning my moms house and didn’t have time. He put a load in and promptly declared that the washer was broken because at the start of the cycle it spins and stops, spins and stops, puts a little water in and spins and stops... literally he does laundry so seldom that he thought the normal cycle of our washing machine was actually our washing machine malfunctioning. I’m going with Dad is having a dumb day on that one. This made me giggle. Thank you  |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 8, 2024 1:15:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2019 17:28:39 GMT
I'd be irritated, but I would also blame myself for having handled all the financial stuff to the point that he doesn't know what to do. Then again, I'm sure DH gets irritated with me when he's asking for a measurement and I'm like 8'3 and 3/8", wait 2/8... I mean 1/4... well between the 1/4 and 3/8.  |
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Post by bc2ca on May 19, 2019 17:28:53 GMT
The account numbers I'd give him a pass on, especially with the dyslexia. He may transpose numbers the same way he transposes letters. I can't remember how old I was when I connected that the numbers on the check were my account/bank information, but it was well into adulthood and probably the first time I was transferring funds.
The picking out a top?? That would drive me crazy.
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Post by annabella on May 19, 2019 17:30:39 GMT
Th And it isn't just this instance. It's stupid shit too. I will say something like will you go pick out a nice shirt for his youngest DD. And he will text me 42 different shirt pics because he can't make a decision himself. I won't even send him to the grocery store by himself anymore. I have just gotten to the point where it's easier to do everything myself. This would irritate the shit out of me. The check thing, since we don't really use checks anymore I think everyone is confused by all the numbers and maybe in your text the photo wasn't clear enough to see the small numbers at the bottom. However I don't quite understand what this financing thing is and would be irritated his debt card doesn't work. I would tell him to come home and pick up my credit card and go back. I don't want to get a loan when I have the money. |
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Post by breakfastattiffanys on May 19, 2019 17:37:04 GMT
My ex h once called me te say the dishwasher door was broken so he couldn’t start the cycle. We had lived in the house 5+ years at that point. When I came home, I realized he had never once had to start a load because it was not broken. He just didn’t know how to completely close the door.
He was terrible at finance stuff too. When we divorced, I gave a mini session in how to pay bills.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 19, 2019 17:40:12 GMT
Th And it isn't just this instance. It's stupid shit too. I will say something like will you go pick out a nice shirt for his youngest DD. And he will text me 42 different shirt pics because he can't make a decision himself. I won't even send him to the grocery store by himself anymore. I have just gotten to the point where it's easier to do everything myself. This would irritate the shit out of me. The check thing, since we don't really use checks anymore I think everyone is confused by all the numbers and maybe in your text the photo wasn't clear enough to see the small numbers at the bottom. However I don't quite understand what this financing thing is and would be irritated his debt card doesn't work. I would tell him to come home and pick up my credit card and go back. I don't want to get a loan when I have the money. We didn't get a loan. We paid for it outright. The fact that they are a place that does financing meant that they could do an ACH from our bank account. |
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,775
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Post by scrapngranny on May 19, 2019 17:42:21 GMT
He is who he is at this point. We each have our strengths and weaknesses. My DH could no more pick out a shirt for one of our DDs than fly. On the other side he has saved us thousands of dollars over the years with his ability to diagnose and fix things around the house. I understand your frustration, I do. Things that seem easy or self explanatory to you, don’t feel the same for him. For us it’s technology. Whether it’s a remote, phone, or laptop he is at a loss to figure out any glitches that come his way. I’m famous for starting projects his has to finish, because I’m in over my head. I hope the rest of the day goes better.  |
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Post by Basket1lady on May 19, 2019 17:49:53 GMT
Irritated and move on. My DH has not one, but 3, master’s degrees. He’s one of the smartest people I know and makes decisions daily about the big stuff that keeps the world safe. But everyday details that pertain to running the house and keeping everyone alive? He has no clue. I’m pretty sure that he wouldn’t even know what a routing number is.
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Hestia
Junior Member
Posts: 94
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Post by Hestia on May 19, 2019 17:50:12 GMT
I would be irritated, but learned long ago that people will expect those things from you, if you continually do it for them. My ex couldn't do anything by himself, and it got so much that I couldn't handle it anymore. But it was my own fault for not allowing him to learn and do things on his own. Your irritation will eventually become resentment, but it doesn't have to. Have him do things on his own, even if he screws them up. I'm a control freak and want things done right. It was my own fault for him to expect me to do everything. I wouldn't let him do it himself because he'd screw it up. I'd never let him figure shit out on his own. I was so willing to just jump in and do it out of my own frustration. Allow him to learn from his own mistakes. He'll figure shit out and the resentment won't build. It will be better for your relationship in the long run.
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Post by nlwilkins on May 19, 2019 17:58:07 GMT
My vote is for irritation beyond belief.
I think my husband pulls this stuff cause he can. He can go to Amazon, pick out what he wants, put it in the basket, and then he brings me his laptop to pay for it. I have shown him numourous times how all he has to do is hit return and the log in info is automatically entered, but he just woon't do it. Anything computer related he pulls a dumb act. But this man can get online and learn how to do the most complicated things with no problem, he can build an airplane from pieces, he can put a new rear end in the Pick up truck and so on. He used to have to use an CAD at work as a machinist. He just prefers for me to do stuff for him. Oh and this is excuse for not getting me presents as well. He has younger daugther get them for him.
Let me tell you haw it started - we had just got married about 50 years ago and he came to me and said that since my handwriting was so much more legible than his would I please do the bills. Like an innocent, twenty year old newlywed, I was thrilled to do so. It all went downhill from there.
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Post by jubejubes on May 19, 2019 18:05:47 GMT
jeremysgirl Why not take a check, and mark the routing number and the account number. Let your husband take a picture of this so that he has this information in the future. He will just need to look up the pic to get the information.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 19, 2019 18:10:27 GMT
Hestia I am not a control freak type of person at all. I think I am just at the end of my rope. My kids are 19 &17 and I am ready for an empty nest. It seems like all three of them, Jeremy and my kids are all so stubborn that nothing ever gets taken care of unless I do it. They just don't seem to care. For example my husband got the mail yesterday and there was a bag from Amazon. He opened it and brought me the t-shirts in the bag, but then left the bag on top of the oven. I did not notice it. My DD came home last night after I was in bed, decided to cook and then melted part of the bag on the stove top. If one of the two of them would have put the bag in the trash, it wouldn't have happened. I have a table set up with my boom box, my diecut machine and my printer. I am constantly taking trash to the recycling bin. Because they all put their empty recyclables on top of all my machines on the table. Yesterday he emptied the dishwasher. Nice, huh? He left the silverware drawer open. Why? I just feel like nobody follows through on anything. And then when I say something everybody is like, I don't understand why you are so irritated it's such a small thing. Well it's a million small things everyday.
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Post by gillyp on May 19, 2019 18:10:47 GMT
Hugely irritating but this is my DH to a T and I get irritated very quickly these days!  |
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Post by dewryce on May 19, 2019 18:11:24 GMT
Irritated and sounds a lot like my DH. Did he / does he have dyslexia? My sister's DH was and still is dyslexic and has had the women of his life do all the intellectual stuff for his entire life. His mom did his high school homework. My sister does all the finances and business type arrangements for their marriage as well as their business when they were running a very successful auto restoration shop. He is almost 60 and has never used an ATM, wrote a check or used his debit card. Yes, he does have dyslexia. I know he doesn't read well so I help him with things like that. But I didn't think that maybe it might impact something like this. Some forms of dyslexia can affect executive functioning. Even knowing this, I will get irritated with DH sometimes. He’s so high functioning in many areas, I have a hard time when he doesn’t display commen sense and have to remind myself of his issues. It still ticks me off, so I’m working on it. During my self talk I remind myself what he says to himself when I have my own issues. “She’s bipolar” over and over. He’s much better at not taking his frustration out on me, I could learn a lot from him. Eta: of course, he could also be taking advantage of the fact if he does a job poorly enough he knows you’ll stop asking him to do it  |
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Post by librarylady on May 19, 2019 18:12:42 GMT
Irritated until you said he is dyslexic. He probably can't manage that long string of numbers.
However, by now you should know that shopping is not one of his strong points.
I know that any financial or technology things must be done by me--won't be done by him. I also know that he WILL NOT shop
for clothing alone. So, I know the rules of our "chores" in the household and do them without complaint. (Just as he knows I won't do mechanical things around the house.)
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sleepymom
Junior Member
Posts: 87
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Post by sleepymom on May 19, 2019 18:14:11 GMT
This sounds a lot like my DH, who is also dyslexic. We’ve been married 17 years, and I have to say that I’ve learned to just accept he’s this way about this stuff. It used to enrage me. I have learned a lot of things are affected by the dyslexia— things I never would have associated with it. I am not the easiest to live with since I have depression, anxiety and other health issues. I just try to look at it as something he cannot really control- and though it’s annoying as hell sometimes, I just try to take care of those types of things. We both have our strengths and weaknesses, and that’s just the way it is. I am always amazed at how his father is the same way on certain things whenever we are around his family. I wonder if it’s genetic. I used to think I would always feel resentful about it, but I’ve mellowed a lot over the years. But, I feel less guilty about never helping to cut the grass, scoop dog poop in the yard, unclog the toilet, etc. I totally understand your irritation and frustration. This is why we need our friends and peas to vent to.  One recent example is when I sent him to Old Navy with DS14 to buy new jeans for DS, who is a skinny kid with looooong legs. He was about to transition from boys sizes to men’s sizes. I told him to ask for their highest boys size first, to see if it would fit. Of course he did not ask for help and called me instead. He could not understand that boys sizes were not waist size/length, but instead a number. I’m like, How the hell did you not know how kid’s clothing sizes work after 14 years of parenthood? Ughhhhh. I just shook my head and resolved to not send him on that type of expedition again. Hang in there! |
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Post by dewryce on May 19, 2019 18:24:36 GMT
Hestia I am not a control freak type of person at all. I think I am just at the end of my rope. My kids are 19 &17 and I am ready for an empty nest. It seems like all three of them, Jeremy and my kids are all so stubborn that nothing ever gets taken care of unless I do it. They just don't seem to care. For example my husband got the mail yesterday and there was a bag from Amazon. He opened it and brought me the t-shirts in the bag, but then left the bag on top of the oven. I did not notice it. My DD came home last night after I was in bed, decided to cook and then melted part of the bag on the stove top. If one of the two of them would have put the bag in the trash, it wouldn't have happened. I have a table set up with my boom box, my diecut machine and my printer. I am constantly taking trash to the recycling bin. Because they all put their empty recyclables on top of all my machines on the table. Yesterday he emptied the dishwasher. Nice, huh? He left the silverware drawer open. Why? I just feel like nobody follows through on anything. And then when I say something everybody is like, I don't understand why you are so irritated it's such a small thing. Well it's a million small things everyday. Exactly this. Or, it’s literally the 200th time you have asked for something to be done. I feel ya. I will share something that worked for me when DH was leaving misc crap in one of ‘my’ or common areas. At first I would just put it away. Then I’d put it away but mention it. Then I’d get pissy. He didn’t understand why I was so irritated. Then I got smart and started moving the stuff to a place that was inconvenient for him. *light bulb goes off* That tactic has worked well for me. He often doesn’t remember my requests because to him, they’re not a big deal. When I can make him feel like I feel in a situation it truly helps him understand. Here is is where I mention that I first decided to use this tactic when my bipolar symptoms were starting and I had rage issues, but didn’t understand why. And I admit that after I tripped over his size 15 athletic shoes for the umpteenth time, because there were 5 pair in our tiny, tiny living room...I threw them off our third story balcony onto the grass below. He was not happy when he came home. Which I understand, it was an over reaction. But he got a lot better at putting them away.  All this to say, the recycling would end up in some really inconvenient place every single time, like inside their pillow cases, until they figured out that your space is your space and you are not the maid. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 19, 2019 18:25:25 GMT
Thanks for the comments. I like to hear it from everyone else's perspective. I have decided that I'm going to head over to Target. I am going to get some small bins for mail organization because that is a problem. And I'm going to buy a bin for the recycling and I'm going to move my table with my machines.
I will try not to get irritated over financial matters. I do get frustrated with him. I am constantly saying thank you for the help but please take it across the finish line.
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Post by annabella on May 19, 2019 18:47:53 GMT
. For example my husband got the mail yesterday and there was a bag from Amazon. He opened it and brought me the t-shirts in the bag, but then left the bag on top of the oven. I did not notice it. My DD came home last night after I was in bed, decided to cook and then melted part of the bag on the stove top. If one of the two of them would have put the bag in the trash, it wouldn't have happened. . I don’t understand how you don’t see a bag on the stove top before turning it on?  I also find it weird he places something there. To me that’s a sterile place I cook, I don’t place dirty boxes that came in the mail there. Not to mention if by some weird mishap I brushed up against the stove and accidentally turned on the burner it would catch fire. I’m boggles that anyone would temporarily place anything there. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 19, 2019 18:52:03 GMT
. For example my husband got the mail yesterday and there was a bag from Amazon. He opened it and brought me the t-shirts in the bag, but then left the bag on top of the oven. I did not notice it. My DD came home last night after I was in bed, decided to cook and then melted part of the bag on the stove top. If one of the two of them would have put the bag in the trash, it wouldn't have happened. . I don’t understand how you don’t see a bag on the stove top before turning it on? I also find it weird he places something there. To me that’s a sterile place I cook, I don’t place dirty boxes that came in the mail there. Not to mention if by some weird mishap I brushed up against the stove and accidentally turned on the burner it would catch fire. I’m boggles that anyone would temporarily place anything there. He places the mail in random spots around the kitchen every single day. He gets home before me and cleans out the mailbox. I find my mail on the stove top at least twice a week. I was at a party last night when Amazon delivered. I had had a bit to drink. The shirts were for my nieces so when he came to pick me up last night he brought them so I could give them to the kids. I literally walked in the house, took my medicine, and got ready for bed. I didn't even pay any attention to the stove. |
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
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Post by Loydene on May 19, 2019 18:57:41 GMT
My grandma told a story - the newly married couple, the husband asked his new wife to iron his pants. She lovingly did - and scorched them. Last time she was asked to iron pants ....
This person is pulling you into his helplessness .....
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Post by dewryce on May 19, 2019 19:02:35 GMT
I don’t understand how you don’t see a bag on the stove top before turning it on? I also find it weird he places something there. To me that’s a sterile place I cook, I don’t place dirty boxes that came in the mail there. Not to mention if by some weird mishap I brushed up against the stove and accidentally turned on the burner it would catch fire. I’m boggles that anyone would temporarily place anything there. He places the mail in random spots around the kitchen every single day. He gets home before me and cleans out the mailbox. I find my mail on the stove top at least twice a week. I was at a party last night when Amazon delivered. I had had a bit to drink. The shirts were for my nieces so when he came to pick me up last night he brought them so I could give them to the kids. I literally walked in the house, took my medicine, and got ready for bed. I didn't even pay any attention to the stove. I think she was referring to your daughter not seeing it before she turned on the stove, not you  |
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Post by breakfastattiffanys on May 19, 2019 19:03:10 GMT
Good for you jeremysgirl! I love that you are looking for ways to fix the areas of contention. I feel like I should do the same in my life instead of just holding a grudge.
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I also find it weird he places something there. To me that’s a sterile place I cook, I don’t place dirty boxes that came in the mail there. Not to mention if by some weird mishap I brushed up against the stove and accidentally turned on the burner it would catch fire. I’m boggles that anyone would temporarily place anything there.