4cboysmommy
Full Member
Posts: 213
Sept 13, 2014 1:19:39 GMT
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Post by 4cboysmommy on Jul 23, 2019 19:13:05 GMT
Argh! I have always knew that having a teenager is rough, but I am losing my mind over here.
My 15 year old (will be 16 in September) is pushing all the buttons this summer. He thinks that his only plan this summer is to hang out with his friends until all hours everyday. All of his friends are older (16+) and many of them don’t have any rules at all so I am the fun sucking mom. I expect him to be home by 12 which he has already broken. He just got a job, but hasn’t bothered to talk to them about a schedule. He has also said that he should be able to go out late at night with his friends because he works until late, usually 10.
Before he went on a camping trip he signed a contract with us that he wouldn’t go out the first three nights he was back and has broken that (yes our fault for letting him go). Now he thinks there shouldn’t be any major consequences for that. Maybe do an extra chore and then go out tonight, while I’m thinking more like a week with no friends.
Am I being too strict? I just don’t think a 15 year old needs that much freedom.
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Post by Merge on Jul 23, 2019 19:25:51 GMT
I'll back you up. I don't think my oldest had a curfew later than 11 PM until she was 17. She had older friends, too, and really pushed against that, but we stuck to it. I think we raised it to midnight the summer between junior and senior year. At 18 and off to college soon, she doesn't have a curfew this summer, but our car does. It has to be off the roads by midnight.  Stick to your guns, mom! |
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 23, 2019 19:26:31 GMT
Fifteen year olds don't make the best decisions.
Sounds like you all need to regroup and make rules and consequences for breaking the rules and stick to them. He knows you let him break a rule after camping and will now push it. Losing the phone is a great way to keep you from organizing outings with your friends.
I don't think you go out after work if you can't be home by midnight.
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Post by LiLi on Jul 23, 2019 19:33:16 GMT
If my kids are generally keeping responsible and out of trouble, (following house rules, being respectful, chores done etc) and they let me know where they are going to be and keep in contact, I generally let my 16 year olds have a lot of freedom. f they aren't sticking to that, then they lose the privileged. I remember being that age, and the time was priceless! Never again will they be able to live so free.
In my opinion, keeping him home for 3 nights after camping, doesn't make any sense. Why did you want him to stay home? What was the contract about? Or am I reading it wrong? I guess it doesn't matter lol. Just curious.
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Post by questioning on Jul 23, 2019 20:53:33 GMT
I'll back you up too. Teen boys are hard. I just scheduled a lunch with two of my mothers of boys friends, we need to comfort the one who still has a 16 YO!
No offense to girl moms, I know they aren't always full of sweetness!
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,314
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jul 23, 2019 21:33:21 GMT
My 15 year old (will be 16 in September) is pushing all the buttons this summer. He thinks that his only plan this summer is to hang out with his friends until all hours everyday. All of his friends are older (16+) and many of them don’t have any rules at all Only you know your kid. Growing up this was my summer. Every night I was out till about 1 or 2:00am and I only slept in till 9:00am ish. I was not a smoker, drinker, or did I do drugs, weed etc. We just hung out watching movies, dancing to music, hanging out on the beach etc. I had no curfew, we never locked our house. No one hired students for summer jobs at home until you are 16 so being 15 was truly the last carefree summers. I hung out with people 2 and 3 years older then myself as well. The older ones were cousins though.
ETA: I haven't set curfews for my teens either. One works the other is too young yet. One drives which means he usually is home before the state enforced driving curfew But yeah, I am pretty easy going. He hasn't done anything yet to make me feel like I need to be stricter. Full time job, 4H activities, and a social life keeps him very busy.
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Post by myshelly on Jul 23, 2019 21:37:56 GMT
You say you let him go out after the camping trip, but also want to punish him. Why? If you said yes, why should he be punished now?
He’s a kid. He has so few summers left to be a kid. He has such precious little time left with these friends before it’s off to college.
If the issue is concern for his safety late at night, can he quit the job so they can hang out during the day?
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Jul 23, 2019 21:45:00 GMT
How is he getting around? Are you somewhere with good public transportation, or is he relying on these older friends for rides? I can see an older friend not wanting to stop their fun to bring him home or him not wanting to ask them to bring him home, so I think my first consequence would be that I would be showing up at curfew to pick him up if he couldn't arrange a ride.
If you let him go out after the camping trip, I don't see why you would retroactively apply consequences.
I do think teens need a curfew. I think a good starting place is any driver's license restrictions. When DD went out with friends the other night, I wanted her home by 11, because I knew her friend needed to be off the road at 11:30 with an intermediate license. I do set curfew on a case-by-case basis, but I don't want her out too late. It keeps ME awake, and I need my beauty sleep.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 23, 2019 21:51:23 GMT
What are the consequences for breaking curfew? A big sitdown is needed with you laying out all of your expectations and what the consequences will be if they are not met.
Who cares if you're the fun sucking parent? That's what parents are. There is nothing good for a 15 year old out after midnight. Nothing.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,684
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jul 23, 2019 21:55:48 GMT
Where is he going that he’s out till midnight? We don’t have a set curfew for ds now 18, it always depended on where he was going. In general we now like him to be home between 11 & 12 but when he was younger it was earlier. By law 16yos can’t be driving after 10pm so that helped when he was 15 (w/older friends) and 16. Does your city have a curfew for teens? I’ll be honest I don’t think there’s any reason for a 15yo to be out till midnight every night....on occasion yes, but routinely, nope, sorry call me a fun sucking mom 🤷🏻♀️
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,407 
Location: Lost in my supplies...
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Post by kelly8875 on Jul 23, 2019 21:58:39 GMT
How is he getting around? My kids couldn’t drive at 15, other than their school permit. Maybe you have public transportation? Otherwise, if you want him home by a certain time, and he can’t drive, it’s your responsibility to get him. Don’t put that on the other kids he hangs with, that’s not their job.
And you can not punish him for something you let him do....
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psiluvu
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,217
Location: Canada's Capital
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Post by psiluvu on Jul 23, 2019 22:13:17 GMT
Argh! I have always knew that having a teenager is rough, but I am losing my mind over here. My 15 year old (will be 16 in September) is pushing all the buttons this summer. He thinks that his only plan this summer is to hang out with his friends until all hours everyday. All of his friends are older (16+) and many of them don’t have any rules at all so I am the fun sucking mom. I expect him to be home by 12 which he has already broken. He just got a job, but hasn’t bothered to talk to them about a schedule. He has also said that he should be able to go out late at night with his friends because he works until late, usually 10. Before he went on a camping trip he signed a contract with us that he wouldn’t go out the first three nights he was back and has broken that (yes our fault for letting him go). Now he thinks there shouldn’t be any major consequences for that. Maybe do an extra chore and then go out tonight, while I’m thinking more like a week with no friends. Am I being too strict? I just don’t think a 15 year old needs that much freedom. I have a 16yr old (he turned 16 in April). I don't understand why there would be major consequences for something you allowed him to do. I also don't understand why he had to be home for 3 nights after a camping trip. My ds is a good kid pretty responsible and has not given us any reason not to trust him. He knows that his easy going ride will be over if he does give us a reason not to trust him or gets involved with alcohol or drugs. He goes out a lot, tonight he is out with friends for a friends birthday, tomorrow he plays baseball, Thursday he is going to a football game and Friday and Saturday nights he is celebrating 2 different friends birthdays. He also umpires, fills in at a daycamp and plays competitive baseball so some nights he is too tired to go out. I am of the opinion that yes this is the some of the last times they are free to just hang out and be a teen with little responsibilities so as long as he keeps up with his minor responsibilities I am good. ETA he is never out past midnight as his friends all have curfews so even though he doesn't he is usually home by 11:30. Also all of his friends are just working on getting their licences and none of them are able to drive alone yet. Once he is allowed to drive alone we may have to revisit |
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Post by christine58 on Jul 23, 2019 22:16:12 GMT
I am the fun sucking mom. Too sucking bad. Your house...your rules. Before he went on a camping trip he signed a contract with us that he wouldn’t go out the first three nights he was back and has broken that (yes our fault for letting him go). Now he thinks there shouldn’t be any major consequences for that. Maybe do an extra chore and then go out tonight, while I’m thinking more like a week with no friends. Why would you give him a consequence for something you allowed him to do. Set some rules...set some consequences. He's playing you |
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Post by librarylady on Jul 23, 2019 22:48:53 GMT
You already have some good advice from other peas.
I send sympathy. My son's teen years were awful, just awful. I am sure he says the same thing.
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luckyjune
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Location: In the rainy, rainy WA
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Post by luckyjune on Jul 23, 2019 23:11:42 GMT
15 is where brains leave bodies and all rational thinking comes to a screeching halt. Brain power diminishes when they are in groups. Nothing good will come from 15 year olds, unsupervised, out at night.
Time for the giant sit-down talk. Lay down the law. He already thinks he's calling the shots, so don't expect an easy conversation. Make your house a place where he and his friends can hang out until all hours. Set a curfew and then be prepared to enforce the consequences. Or set an event-by-event curfew; whatever it is, there is a clear understanding on his part as to when he will be home and what will happen when/if it's broken.
When my kids were younger and they started to complain about our rules, I reminded them that I am their parent and it is my job to make sure I know where they are 24/7 until they leave home. Ignore the temper tantrums, the whining, and the pleading. It'll get worse before it gets better.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,137
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Post by rickmer on Jul 23, 2019 23:27:31 GMT
you do you mom! your house, your rules.
pick some consequences, stick to them. i would be sure he knows you love him and care about him, that's why you are holding him accountable.
better behaviour = more freedom.
you got this!!!
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Post by AussieMeg on Jul 24, 2019 6:03:32 GMT
Before he went on a camping trip he signed a contract with us that he wouldn’t go out the first three nights he was back and has broken that (yes our fault for letting him go). Now he thinks there shouldn’t be any major consequences for that. Maybe do an extra chore and then go out tonight, while I’m thinking more like a week with no friends. Why should there be any consequences for breaking the "contract" (??) if, by your own admission, you LET him go out.  |
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 24, 2019 11:16:23 GMT
Forget punishing him for past behavior. Sit him down and tell him what his curfew is. I think midnight is a good time for a 15/16 year old, unless it's a special event.
Define the consequences clearly. Then enforce them.
Explain that compliance now equals more freedom in the future. Noncompliance means less freedom.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 24, 2019 14:22:57 GMT
You've gotten a lot of good advice OP - I have a question for you. In your teen years how much time did you spend hanging out with your friends? I don't think I was unusual that I was NEVER home in my teen years. I had a curfew that I adhered to religiously as the wraths of hell would descend if I broke it - but otherwise I had a lot of freedom. Most studies show kids actually spend way more time home alone than in previous generations - and that's not actually healthy. I'd say a midnight curfew is fine - and if he needs to adjust his work or social schedule to make curfew - those are the first life lessons of responsibility.
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Post by bc2ca on Jul 24, 2019 14:42:45 GMT
Before he went on a camping trip he signed a contract with us that he wouldn’t go out the first three nights he was back and has broken that (yes our fault for letting him go). Now he thinks there shouldn’t be any major consequences for that. Maybe do an extra chore and then go out tonight, while I’m thinking more like a week with no friends. If you let him go out, it sounds like you now want to punish him for asking to go out (which you agreed to ). I have to side with your son on this one.  When I worked as a teen, I always had a set schedule, week after week. My kids' experiences have been completely different. They often don't get their schedule until Thurs night for the coming week, which is Sat-Fri for one and Sun-Sat for the other. There is no rhyme of reason that we can figure out for their shifts. Everything is done via a scheduling app and they just keep checking from Wed night through Fri morning to see if they've been scheduled. |
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Post by kelbel827 on Jul 24, 2019 15:04:18 GMT
Sounds like my parents. They always wanted me home. I snuck out a lot. So, I say too strict without having more info.
My philosophy, good kid, no issues, let him enjoy being a kid. But, that being said, if he has things that need to be done, the agreement would be do those before any fun. I also told my son he needed to tell me where he was and if plans changed he needed to let me know. Also, he had to answer when I called or texted.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 24, 2019 15:11:56 GMT
I'll back you up too. Teen boys are hard. I just scheduled a lunch with two of my mothers of boys friends, we need to comfort the one who still has a 16 YO! No offense to girl moms, I know they aren't always full of sweetness! I had two teen boys two years apart. While my oldest pushed it for his junior year, I would take teen boys over girls judging from the stories I hear from teen girl moms. Girls seem to start much earlier and they are persistent. I know everyone has their stories, but overall, guys seem easier. Plus I think teen girl moms worry for their kids safety much more than I ever had to do. Either way, when you are in it, it is hard. |
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Post by nlwilkins on Jul 24, 2019 15:13:11 GMT
Fifteen is not eighteen and there is a great difference between the two. Your son is wanting to act like he is eighteen. Perhaps discuss with him the ages of his friends and their lack of rules. If he is using work as an excuse to stay out late, then perhaps the work needs to go. Working at that age is a privilege especially since he has you to pay his room, board and other expenses. (I found it a great inconvenience when my daughters worked as teenagers.)
Actually, in my mind fifteen is not quite a child still but almost. He should not be out without adult supervision as there is just too many temptations out there and his brain is being washed by raging hormones that erode any responsible decision making abilities. When you add to the mix a group of friends it becomes a recipe for disaster. Sure there are lots of fifteen year olds who hand out with friends all hours of the night and don't get into trouble, but it is just pushing your luck by allowing it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 5:17:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2019 19:09:01 GMT
We didn't have a curfew for DD16 before now, since her bf had one so it was like one for her, too. He had to be home by 10pm weeknights and midnight on non-school nights (at age 17, it was 9 pm/11pm up until he was a little past 16). Sometimes it would be earlier if he had stuff going on or his mom felt like it. After they broke up, we said "around" midnight as a curfew for DD and since that was getting to be regularly close to 1am, we have now said be home by midnight unless you call. She has also been going on a lot of sleepovers at friend's houses, which have now been taken away for a week as a punishment. Yesterday we had a conversation with her that made no sense...encouraged her to go to an amusement park she has a season pass for with some friends (something positive to go do instead of hanging out/driving around) and she claims she can't since she can't stay at a friend's house overnight (ummmm, just come home after...it's an hour away and closes at 11). Ugh.
Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, parenting is not fun sometimes (I'm wishing my summer away because of dealing with mine....never thought I'd say that!). I'd suggest establishing reasonable boundaries and expectations in advance (maybe you want him home 1-2 nights a week plus a curfew for nights with friends). Our teens earn later curfews by building trust and being honest, no reason they should get too much freedom without proving themselves. They are also expected to do chores when asked and be around for some family time. And in the whole scheme of things, it doesn't matter wheat the friends get to do (well, except for the sleepovers...another ugh).
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4cboysmommy
Full Member
Posts: 213
Sept 13, 2014 1:19:39 GMT
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Post by 4cboysmommy on Jul 25, 2019 13:04:57 GMT
I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner. I really appreciate all of the replies. I will try to clear some things up that I wasn't clear about in the OP.
We had him sign a contract about the three days because before the camping trip we have some serious issues with disrespect and not doing what he was told. The camping trip was with a friends family and had already been paid for and was planned for a quite awhile and I am a believer that my kids punishment shouldn't effect other people's plans. While they were gone, the mom contacted me asking if my son could accompany her son a trip so he didn't have to drive alone. We debated a lot on it, but ended up letting him go. It probably wasn't the best choice and we realize that now.
My son is a good kid, but he is headed in a direction that is frustrating. He isn't doing his chores or doing the bare minimum when asked. He wants to be gone all the time (even when we have family things scheduled) and gets mouthy when we question him or give him expectations. We also had issues with his grades and effort of work last year. I know most of this is typical teenage stuff, but when it is your first it is harder I think.
He does not want to hang out at our house because he has three younger brothers that want to hang out with his friends and we don't have a space they can go and be alone really. I agree with the people that nothing good happens after midnight. He has two groups of friends. One that will all be seniors this year that he knows from the musicals and another that are kids in his grade, but are older because he has a late birthday. The older group is a good group of kids and they usually are just hanging out at the park or the grocery store (small town, not much is open after 10) or driving around. I just don't like him being out that late driving with a relative new driver and car full of teenagers. The other group is more worrisome because they are more wild and will be wandering around the neighborhood at 2am and just overall not making as good of choices.
Thank you again for all of the support and advice.
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