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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 24, 2019 2:57:14 GMT
I had a super long post typed out and lost it ugh!
So am I the only grandparent who has a grandkid who doesn't say TY unless prompted!? Who says GEEZ in a snarky tone when asked to do something and gets an attitude when you don't put up with their shit??
She's almost 10 was here for 3 weeks, first 2 were great but then an attitude started coming out and asking for something everytime we went somewhere. We did a ton of stuff with her both at home and on day trips.
During the first 2 weeks she was appreciative, not overly demanding and happy to do whatever while out. Over the past 5 days or so she started getting a bit of a attitude and asking for us to buy her stuff all the time and was put out when I'd say no.
Yesterday while at a historical park I lost my phone and when I told her we had to get off of the carousel to go find it she had a hissy fit. Thankfully I found it but after that and a snarky GEEZ when I asked her to pick up something I dropped while we got off the trolley I had it. I said you may get away with talking like that to your mom or dad but I will not be talked to like that. When we got home I texted her mom and said I'd bring her back today instead of Thursday. I said I had a dr appointment in the city on Wednesday which i do but it was the attitude that shortened the stay.
My son and her mom are not together haven't for yrs and I know with her mom it's a free for all with stuff, having her way etc. With my son he doesn't buy her all the stuff she does.
When saying GB to my husband during his lunch break not a TY so he jokingly said and you're welcome for all the stuff grandma and poppa did with you still no TY and later no TY when I took her home. Her mom wasn't yet home from work and I was going to just wait with my granddaughter until she got there but her BF was home from work so I left. Didn't get a text or TY from mom either.
My husband and I when she first was here had thought about taking her on vacation with us later next month but that idea was kiboshed when the attitude and buy buy me thing started.
When I got home from dropping her off we said as kids we would have been so thankful for the fun things we did with her. We started second guessing ourselves wondering if we have spoilt her etc. I also said I bet our GD will tell her mom grandma got cranky with me LOL I said that the next time I saw our son I would be telling him about what went down and that being thankful is something that should not have to be prompted!
So who else has had to deal with ungrateful kids with an attitude LOL?
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caangel
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Post by caangel on Jul 24, 2019 3:05:24 GMT
After 3 weeks I could see my kids reverting to their "true" selves vs their polite selves that they typically are with the grandparents.
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lurkyloo
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Dec 5, 2018 6:53:08 GMT
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Post by lurkyloo on Jul 24, 2019 3:09:48 GMT
9 years old? They aren't really good at giving out gushing thank yous for three week visits. Does she say thank you when you hand her something she asked for? Like in the moment? "Grandma can you hand me the remote please?....thank you"? That kind of politeness is more what I'd expect from a kid that age, not a big "thank you for everything you've done for almost a month" as goodbyes are said.
The attitude is annoying, but for 2 weeks she held it together? Could she have just been tired and kind of over it? It sounds like you did a lot of things. Did she ask to do all those things and then act ungrateful? Or were they things you chose and expected her to like?
I'm not saying her treatment of you was good, but it seems like most 9 year olds would start to struggle a bit after 3 weeks away from home with grandma.
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Post by ntsf on Jul 24, 2019 3:10:11 GMT
I think, not withstanding doing "fun" things with he, and not to really excuse her, but she was probably starting to miss home and friends and doing "normal things". she might have been tired of field trips and though she should appreciate you, grandparents are not always that fun for a 10 yr old. kids that age are starting also to be raging hormone messes.. I would plan on doing shorter spans with her.. and how much of this was directed by her? did you plan together? was there down time and screen time and hanging out with other kids time?
again, this is not an excuse, but some explanations. I would not get hung up on a word, but that is me. also, often appreciation comes later and not when you are a snarly teen. also, you present a third standard she has to tackle--her mom's ways, her dad's ways and then your ways. I would also plan to make expectations clear the next visit and also to build in some choices for her. she is at the age of feeling her way to more independence.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jul 24, 2019 3:18:40 GMT
Iâd encourage you to spend more time with your granddaughter, but for shorter spells. It sounds like she was trying to please you in the first two weeks, but after tha she was reverting to being a kid. If you had 2 good weeks with her, Iâd call that a win.
Iâd probably set up the expectation before an outing. Will there be a souvenir? An ice cream? An activity? And Iâd probably set up an allowance for her while sheâs with you. That way she can choose a souvenir and when she asks, you can let her chose if that is what she wants to spend her money on. But remind her that when the money is gone, itâs gone.
I can remember one epic battle with DD at Mount Vernon and a stuffed teddy bear. My parents were visiting and we had done a lot of stuff that week, probably getting small items at each place. And dd just wanted that bear. She was probably 6 or 7. I was at Mount Vernon a few months ago with my parents and we were reminiscing about it. DD is now 20! It was that epic of a tantrum. We all had a good chuckle over it. Kids can act like jerks, but that doesnât mean they are horrible people that we never want to spend time with them.
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Post by jcmom04 on Jul 24, 2019 3:20:06 GMT
I agree with the âhormonal messâ- even if she doesnât hit puberty for another 1-3 years, the hormones and cycles start early. I even saw something I had written about my now almost 13yo dd when she was 9!!
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Post by myshelly on Jul 24, 2019 3:22:46 GMT
3 weeks is a long time for her to be away from her home, her parents, and her friends.
That has to be really hard at her age.
I think youâre being really harsh to not recognize that.
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trollie
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Post by trollie on Jul 24, 2019 3:27:37 GMT
When kids are acting out and being bratty is when they need to be loved and pulled in tighter the most. That's my philosophy.
eta - still take her on vacation and spend time with her. I am not saying to put up with her brattiness. Call her on it gently, but don't distance yourself.
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Jul 24, 2019 3:31:15 GMT
Ungrateful, bratty attitudes piss me off. So I can sympathize. But Iâm going to echo what others have said and add in something else: you might want to tread carefully. Iâd guess that many paternal grandparents donât get to keep grandkids for three weeks post-divorce. If you anger Mama Bear, you might lose visitation completely.
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 24, 2019 3:34:04 GMT
9 years old? They aren't really good at giving out gushing thank yous for three week visits. Does she say thank you when you hand her something she asked for? Like in the moment? "Grandma can you hand me the remote please?....thank you"? That kind of politeness is more what I'd expect from a kid that age, not a big "thank you for everything you've done for almost a month" as goodbyes are said. The attitude is annoying, but for 2 weeks she held it together? Could she have just been tired and kind of over it? It sounds like you did a lot of things. Did she ask to do all those things and then act ungrateful? Or were they things you chose and expected her to like? I'm not saying her treatment of you was good, but it seems like most 9 year olds would start to struggle a bit after 3 weeks away from home with grandma. No we planned it together we gave her some ideasof stuff she have mentioned on other stays, she gave ideas and together we came up with a list that she was interested in because I didn't want to drag her anywhere she didnt want to go. We didn't expect a gushing TY but I do think a thank you is not asking too much when I buy you a ice cream cone or as we are leaving a movie that you begged me to see and were super excited about but somehow I feel like it is expecting a lot LOL |
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 24, 2019 3:34:57 GMT
After 3 weeks I could see my kids reverting to their "true" selves vs their polite selves that they typically are with the grandparents. LOL that made me snicker bingo I think that was it!! |
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Post by Skellinton on Jul 24, 2019 3:37:23 GMT
I agree 3 weeks is a long time to be with you, if she held it together for 2 weeks I would call that a win.
I agree with the other posters who said shorter stays and an allowance type situation for her next time will likely result in a much better goodbye.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Jul 24, 2019 3:39:40 GMT
9 years old? They aren't really good at giving out gushing thank yous for three week visits. Does she say thank you when you hand her something she asked for? Like in the moment? "Grandma can you hand me the remote please?....thank you"? That kind of politeness is more what I'd expect from a kid that age, not a big "thank you for everything you've done for almost a month" as goodbyes are said. The attitude is annoying, but for 2 weeks she held it together? Could she have just been tired and kind of over it? It sounds like you did a lot of things. Did she ask to do all those things and then act ungrateful? Or were they things you chose and expected her to like? I'm not saying her treatment of you was good, but it seems like most 9 year olds would start to struggle a bit after 3 weeks away from home with grandma. No we planned it together we gave her some ideasof stuff she have mentioned on other stays, she gave ideas and together we came up with a list that she was interested in because I didn't want to drag her anywhere she didnt want to go. We didn't expect a gushing TY but I do think a thank you is not asking too much when I buy you a ice cream cone or as we are leaving a movie that you begged me to see and were super excited about but somehow I feel like it is expecting a lot LOL But for two weeks you say she was appreciative. I'd bet that's her true nature, and she was just worn out. I'm trying to think of a family member I'd like to go live with for three whole weeks, and I'm coming up blank! đđ I love them, but after a while I'd be missing my own bed, my food, my routine, pets, living room, garden, etc. that's a really long time. |
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iamcaro
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Mar 12, 2019 2:51:15 GMT
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Post by iamcaro on Jul 24, 2019 3:44:04 GMT
I absolutely agree with you, OP, that she should have said thank you when she left and that her mom should have thanked you after your granddaughter returned home. Regardless of her hormones, homesicknes and/or tiredness, we still teach and expect manners. Not constant gushing, but good manners such as a thank you when dropped off or leaving Poppa. The "geez" would also have annoyed me, but without being in the situation, I don't know if I would have addressed that or not. Sometimes people just have bad moments.
It's okay to explain why the behavior occurs, but that doesn't mean that in most situations we don't expect better behavior anyway.
I think of that old saying, "when we know better, we do better." I think it's okay for granddaughter to know that she needs to do better next time, because there are consequences (she's not going on vacation next time) and because it makes her a more kind human.
At nine, she's not too young to learn this.
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 24, 2019 3:48:18 GMT
I think, not withstanding doing "fun" things with he, and not to really excuse her, but she was probably starting to miss home and friends and doing "normal things". she might have been tired of field trips and though she should appreciate you, grandparents are not always that fun for a 10 yr old. kids that age are starting also to be raging hormone messes.. I would plan on doing shorter spans with her.. and how much of this was directed by her? did you plan together? was there down time and screen time and hanging out with other kids time? again, this is not an excuse, but some explanations. I would not get hung up on a word, but that is me. also, often appreciation comes later and not when you are a snarly teen. also, you present a third standard she has to tackle--her mom's ways, her dad's ways and then your ways. I would also plan to make expectations clear the next visit and also to build in some choices for her. she is at the age of feeling her way to more independence. She directed what field trips we did, crafts she wanted to do etc. She said several times that she has more fun here than at home. We had down time every day as I like my down time too, some days we did nothing. I always conferred with her as to what she liked to do and asked her every few days if she was still wanting to stay or was bored. She also had her ipod for screen time and she did go swimming with a daughter of her mom's friend. She was messaging with her mom whenever she wanted to as well. A few times her mom would text me saying she hadn't heard from her so that says she wasn't bored or wanting to go home?? Even as we were leaving today she said she didnt want to go home so I'm not sure it was she was homesick. She also said her friends at home were away on vacation so she said she would just be sitting at the sitters at home. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 24, 2019 3:53:32 GMT
9 years old? They aren't really good at giving out gushing thank yous for three week visits. Does she say thank you when you hand her something she asked for? Like in the moment? "Grandma can you hand me the remote please?....thank you"? That kind of politeness is more what I'd expect from a kid that age, not a big "thank you for everything you've done for almost a month" as goodbyes are said. The attitude is annoying, but for 2 weeks she held it together? Could she have just been tired and kind of over it? It sounds like you did a lot of things. Did she ask to do all those things and then act ungrateful? Or were they things you chose and expected her to like? I'm not saying her treatment of you was good, but it seems like most 9 year olds would start to struggle a bit after 3 weeks away from home with grandma. No we planned it together we gave her some ideasof stuff she have mentioned on other stays, she gave ideas and together we came up with a list that she was interested in because I didn't want to drag her anywhere she didnt want to go. We didn't expect a gushing TY but I do think a thank you is not asking too much when I buy you a ice cream cone or as we are leaving a movie that you begged me to see and were super excited about but somehow I feel like it is expecting a lot LOL My kid is usually better than most about using her manners most of the time unprompted, but I can see where it might be something that starts to slip for an ice cream cone after a three week long visit, especially if she has been getting special outings and treats pretty routinely the whole time. For my kid, it would be automatic when itâs a new thing, but after three weeks maybe not so much for every little thing. Having said that, I would make sure my kid said âthank you for everythingâ when she said goodbyes to her grands and I would probably also prompt her to send a written thank you after the fact as well. We try very hard to model good manners just within our own immediate family by saying please and thank you to each other regularly, even for small things and kindnesses because thatâs how those habits become ingrained and automatic. |
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 24, 2019 3:57:31 GMT
Ungrateful, bratty attitudes piss me off. So I can sympathize. But Iâm going to echo what others have said and add in something else: you might want to tread carefully. Iâd guess that many paternal grandparents donât get to keep grandkids for three weeks post-divorce. If you anger Mama Bear, you might lose visitation completely. Exactly what did I do to anger her mom? As far as the 3 weeks her mom was the one who asked us if she could stay for longer then normal stay compared to the last summer stay as she had started back at work just before school got out. |
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 24, 2019 4:08:59 GMT
No we planned it together we gave her some ideasof stuff she have mentioned on other stays, she gave ideas and together we came up with a list that she was interested in because I didn't want to drag her anywhere she didnt want to go. We didn't expect a gushing TY but I do think a thank you is not asking too much when I buy you a ice cream cone or as we are leaving a movie that you begged me to see and were super excited about but somehow I feel like it is expecting a lot LOL But for two weeks you say she was appreciative. I'd bet that's her true nature, and she was just worn out. I'm trying to think of a family member I'd like to go live with for three whole weeks, and I'm coming up blank! đđ I love them, but after a while I'd be missing my own bed, my food, my routine, pets, living room, garden, etc. that's a really long time. I think you're probably right but I guess based on her saying she didn't want to go home, wasn't bored etc as I've stated in a few replies I was confused by her change in her demeanor. |
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 24, 2019 4:25:37 GMT
I absolutely agree with you, OP, that she should have said thank you when she left and that her mom should have thanked you after your granddaughter returned home. Regardless of her hormones, homesicknes and/or tiredness, we still teach and expect manners. Not constant gushing, but good manners such as a thank you when dropped off or leaving Poppa. The "geez" would also have annoyed me, but without being in the situation, I don't know if I would have addressed that or not. Sometimes people just have bad moments. It's okay to explain why the behavior occurs, but that doesn't mean that in most situations we don't expect better behavior anyway. I think of that old saying, "when we know better, we do better." I think it's okay for granddaughter to know that she needs to do better next time, because there are consequences (she's not going on vacation next time) and because it makes her a more kind human. At nine, she's not too young to learn this. Thanks I appreciate that, I kind of feel after reading replies that I made it sound like I wanted a gushing TY and I didn't. As I had said I had a longer post typed out and in it the GEEZ line was used more then a few times both yesterday, today and several days leading up to it so it wasn't just a one or 2 time thing. I did feel bad calling her on the attitude thing but I also felt that wasn't an acceptable way to speak to me or anyone for that matter. Should I have not said anything perhaps but then why encourage TY if you kwim but I do understand what you are saying. As far as the holiday and her not going we just feel it's a 2 week stretch where we are much much farther than an hr away so it isn't as easy to take her home if she was homesick or tired of us LOL as apparently she was even though she said as I said goodbye how she didnt want to come home. |
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seaexplore
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Post by seaexplore on Jul 24, 2019 4:43:26 GMT
Probably wonât help the OP but this is my kid......
My 7 year old daughter has NEVER EVER uttered the words âthank youâ. Her 3 year old brother says it ALL the time. He also says âI love youâ and freely gives kisses. She does not like to be kissed or hugged and has also never said âI love youâ. I remind her to say polite words, she usually chooses to meow instead. The psychologist (seeing him because she is defiant and rude to us at home-quick to anger, yelling at us, slamming doors since she was 2) claims that she isnât comfortable with showing gratitude or emotions and asking for things nicely. I call BS on it. I have no clue how to get her to be polite. Apparently she is a model student at school with manners and all. We use polite words in our house and work really hard on not yelling at each other.
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 24, 2019 4:53:14 GMT
When kids are acting out and being bratty is when they need to be loved and pulled in tighter the most. That's my philosophy. eta - still take her on vacation and spend time with her. I am not saying to put up with her brattiness. Call her on it gently, but don't distance yourself. Just because we've decided not to take her on vacaction next month we aren't distancing ourselves. We are driving 800 miles away and whether it was being homesick even though she said she wasn't or was bored though she said she wasn't etc if she starts to not enjoy herself a week into our 2 week vacation it isn't a hour drive home like it was today. I'm sure before summer is over she'll want to come stay over again. In hindsight I should have told her mom I think 2 weeks is max but because we had a really long extended period of time where we didnt see her very often because of my son Spencer being in the hospital for over a year I guess both she and we thought it was just great to be able to have her stay with us. She was super excited to be staying with us and had said several times that she wanted to stay even longer when we suggested hey is it time to go home. In my OP that I lost I said I think this all plus her mom going back to work and knowing she probably wouldn't like staying at the babysitters were the reason why she was staying longer. We tried to help both her mom out with sitting costs, make our gd happy and also enable us to make up a ton of lost time during that year plus of hell. |
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Post by myshelly on Jul 24, 2019 4:56:31 GMT
I donât think you are being very realistic expecting a 9 yr old to be able to identify and verbalize all her feelings and emotions.
Iâm glad the adults involved with my children give them more grace than you seem to give your granddaughter.
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The Great Carpezio
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 24, 2019 5:55:00 GMT
On one hand, yes, being snotty and ungrateful completely annoys me; on the other hand, most kids at that age are not always polite and gracious, and I think itâs best to extend some grace.
My 11 year old boys can be extremely helpful, sweet, loving, polite, empathetic, joyful, thoughtful and gracious young men. They can also be unhelpful, truculent, angry, rude, ungracious, impulsive entitled brats.
I donât know that one or the other is completely who they are, but I consider it a win that they know how to be the former, and that as it gets harder and harder to sort through the tween emotions and life gets more complex, they are getting better and better and being able to put on the charm and choose to be better, and as they reach adulthood, they will put their good skills to use. R
I can say that for my boys, stress can really put them in a negative cycle and itâs hard for them to get out of it. I can get angry and emotional (perimenapausal) myself, but for the most part, it passes quickly and I can sort through it pretty well. My tween boys have a harder time breaking out of the spin once they enter the cycle, and stress and anxiety really trigger those emotions. I am guessing I will see more behavior as August arrives. They are starting middle school and are stressed about it.
With what you are saying about her not wanting to leave, not having anything to look forward to at home, etc.. I would not underestimate how much that affects the behavior of your granddaughter. She isnât consciously doing it...even if she is being snotty and rude on purpose, she probably canât really identify why she is behaving that way. Just love her and be there and be a good role model and listen and take the good with the not so good because none of us are perfect for three weeks at a time.
I do get how annoying it is. I get pissed and I am certainly not always understanding myself, but I would say, based on what you shared at least, your granddaughter definitely falls into the normal nine year old category and you have the right to be annoyed, but I think you are being a bit more harsh than you should be.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jul 24, 2019 11:47:32 GMT
I'd give a nine-year-old -- that I did not raise -- a lot of leeway on behavior. It sounds like the greater majority of the visit went very well. Perhaps everyone was wearying of being on 'best behavior' by that third week. I'm also a strong believer that grandparents play a critical role in children's lives. The grandparent role is a delicate balance of helping to instill lessons and values in children while also being free to spoil them quite a bit. Both of my grandfathers were deceased before I was born, but I was fortunate to have two wonderful strong grandmothers. I use and reference wisdom I learned from them all the time. I like the way trollie put it. Perhaps its time to gather your granddaughter a little closer and love her a little harder. If you want her to exhibit more gratitude, you as her grandmother can have a great influence on teaching her that skill. |
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Jul 24, 2019 12:14:10 GMT
Probably wonât help the OP but this is my kid...... My 7 year old daughter has NEVER EVER uttered the words âthank youâ. Her 3 year old brother says it ALL the time. He also says âI love youâ and freely gives kisses. She does not like to be kissed or hugged and has also never said âI love youâ. I remind her to say polite words, she usually chooses to meow instead. The psychologist (seeing him because she is defiant and rude to us at home-quick to anger, yelling at us, slamming doors since she was 2) claims that she isnât comfortable with showing gratitude or emotions and asking for things nicely. I call BS on it. I have no clue how to get her to be polite. Apparently she is a model student at school with manners and all. We use polite words in our house and work really hard on not yelling at each other. Ugh. That sucks. Iâm sorry. Hope you get it figured out. |
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on Jul 24, 2019 12:37:36 GMT
Ten isn't too young to sit her down and have a frank discussion about her behaviour. Start with the fact that you love having her visit and follow with how her behaviour makes you feel, then put it in the context of the broader 'everyone likes to feel appreciated'.
I've got to say, the thank-you thing is something that needs to be taught and reinforced from a very young age.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 24, 2019 12:54:26 GMT
Ten isn't too young to sit her down and have a frank discussion about her behaviour. Start with the fact that you love having her visit and follow with how her behaviour makes you feel, then put it in the context of the broader 'everyone likes to feel appreciated'. I've got to say, the thank-you thing is something that needs to be taught and reinforced from a very young age. I agree that it helps a lot to not only teach and reinforce it from early on, but that consistency with it is really a key part of it. If the parents are no longer together and both of them arenât completely on board, itâs going to be a harder thing for a kid to learn. I donât think it would be unreasonable for a grandparent to use gentle reminders with a 9-10-11 year old to help steer them in the right direction when they slip up just like their parents would. The saying âIt takes a villageâ really is true. If I catch my kid not saying it when it would be appropriate, I generally will look at her and say, âWhat was that?â or âWhat do you say?â and then she is generally pretty quick to thank the person, even if itâs just DH or me. |
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peabrain
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Post by peabrain on Jul 24, 2019 12:58:29 GMT
My dd just spent almost a week traveling with my mom. They had a great time, but simply not sleeping in her own bed, having her own routine, and quiet time to herself really wore on my dd. A week for all the activities planned didn't sound like a lot to begin with but I'd say their trip was a day or two too long.
I love to travel but damn I need my own bed to be perky.
But I'm sorry things ended like that. Please try to remember the good memories you two made. And make more good memories with her.
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artbabe
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Post by artbabe on Jul 24, 2019 13:13:59 GMT
My nine year old nephew has been getting an attitude lately. He is really a good kid, too. He does say thank you and is usually polite but the other day I had to tell him that he was being really rude. He immediately backtracked- he knew I had a point.
I told me sister about it and she reminded me that her super polite 14 and 16 year old were also a bit of a mess when they were 9. I'm guessing that is when the hormones start kicking in.
Three weeks is a long time to be on good behavior. I just think the stay was too long.
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