momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 31, 2019 2:36:53 GMT
Going to try to make this short... Past couple years have been extremely rocky with a once close relative. We have infrequent contact now, basically minimal contact on birthdays and holidays.
This person has a laundry list of things that I've done that upsets them. Unfortunately instead of discussing with me, it's been said behind my back to friends/family members. I've heard it from multiple sources so I know it's happening. One source happened to realize what was being said was also being greatly exaggerated.
Anyway I recently was watching a show and family members were trying to work out their differences in therapy (I can't for the life of me remember the show right now...) It got me thinking and I wonder has anyone done this or even declined to do it? How much effort do you think you'd be willing to give?
In my instance IF it happened i'm not sure how much I have to give at this point. The situation was so horrible for me and it really took me a long time to get over some of the things that went on that i'm not sure i'd want to open myself up to more drama. Then you have the fact that I feel like i'm in a really good place now and not much has changed with them from what I hear so i'm afraid of being dragged back down.
While i'd be happy that they were trying to resolve some of their issues in therapy, I feel like that would almost guilt me in trying to make things work...even though i'm not sure that would land me in a good place. So while i'm not sure this scenario would ever even happen, i'm curious how others would handle this type of situation. I could use some thoughts on this so I can think of it from other angles.
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Post by mom on Jul 31, 2019 2:40:33 GMT
How far I would be willing to go -- or even if I would go to therapy with someone else -- all depends on who the person is. There are not many people I would agree to do that for.
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 31, 2019 2:50:37 GMT
I think therapy only works if both parties are willing to change and work on what isn't working or the issues are and if they want to fix the rift. I think some things such as abuse are things I would have no guilt about not joining in on therapy for.
I have no relationship with my family/ mom and siblings. I have no desire to do therapy with them as I have no desire to have them in my life.
I am a huge fan of therapy for an individual and that has helped me tremendously to deal with any struggle I have had with having no relationship with my family.
If you haven't seeked therapy I would encourage you to at the very least do that to help with your healing!
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Post by candleangie on Jul 31, 2019 2:54:12 GMT
I think that in this sort of instance, it’s only really appropriate if it’s mutually beneficial or if the situation is continuing to damage someone. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case. So, while it might be good for the other person, it sounds like it might be bad for you.
I don’t think you need to take the bullet.
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Post by nlwilkins on Jul 31, 2019 3:22:30 GMT
The main problem with such a situation is that the person seeking this might be seeking confirmation that they were wronged and want validation. In other words they want to point out to the other how bad they acted, even though that may not be the truth.
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Jul 31, 2019 3:23:36 GMT
The main problem with such a situation is that the person seeking this might be seeking confirmation that they were wronged and want validation. In other words they want to point out to the other how bad they acted, even though that may not be the truth. I agree and how many Dr.Phil and Oprah shows went down that way! |
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 31, 2019 12:06:59 GMT
I think the problem lies with the other person, not you.
Since you feel you are in a good place, I'd ignore the other person as much as possible.
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peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,588 
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Post by peabrain on Jul 31, 2019 12:35:26 GMT
Going to try to make this short... Past couple years have been extremely rocky with a once close relative. We have infrequent contact now, basically minimal contact on birthdays and holidays. This person has a laundry list of things that I've done that upsets them. Unfortunately instead of discussing with me, it's been said behind my back to friends/family members. I've heard it from multiple sources so I know it's happening. One source happened to realize what was being said was also being greatly exaggerated. Anyway I recently was watching a show and family members were trying to work out their differences in therapy (I can't for the life of me remember the show right now...) It got me thinking and I wonder has anyone done this or even declined to do it? How much effort do you think you'd be willing to give? In my instance IF it happened i'm not sure how much I have to give at this point. The situation was so horrible for me and it really took me a long time to get over some of the things that went on that i'm not sure i'd want to open myself up to more drama. Then you have the fact that I feel like i'm in a really good place now and not much has changed with them from what I hear so i'm afraid of being dragged back down. While i'd be happy that they were trying to resolve some of their issues in therapy, I feel like that would almost guilt me in trying to make things work...even though i'm not sure that would land me in a good place. So while i'm not sure this scenario would ever even happen, i'm curious how others would handle this type of situation. I could use some thoughts on this so I can think of it from other angles. Sweetie, if you're in a good place....well, I want to say stay there, but don't stay there...keep moving forward. Don't worry about people who don't matter. |
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flopsykitty
Full Member
Posts: 180
Jun 26, 2014 18:08:12 GMT
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Post by flopsykitty on Jul 31, 2019 13:44:10 GMT
I'm reminded of the saying, "People who talk about you behind your back are behind you FOR A REASON." I'd encourage you to hold your head high, move forward in your good place and leave that person in your dust.  |
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Post by elaine on Jul 31, 2019 13:53:12 GMT
The only way family/couples therapy works is if both parties are invested in it and are willing to do the work to change. If you aren’t up to it, and are fine in your life right now, then I wouldn’t do it. It would be a waste of time and money.
If, at some point, this is a relationship that you want to mend, and she/he wants to also, then it would be something I’d entertain doing.
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schizo319
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,030
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Post by schizo319 on Jul 31, 2019 14:17:29 GMT
The only people I would be remotely interested in going to therapy with/for is my husband and maybe my mother (depending on the situation and the level of toxicity in the relationship) - everyone else can go pound sand.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 31, 2019 14:23:04 GMT
If you are in a good place then stay there. You can't fix your relative and you don't have to have great relationships with everyone. It's OK to have a non-relationship w/someone. Be polite. Don't go Jerry Springer(since we're talking about talk shows) and enjoy your life w/o this person in it.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 31, 2019 14:28:26 GMT
I'm reminded of the saying, "People who talk about you behind your back are behind you FOR A REASON." I'd encourage you to hold your head high, move forward in your good place and leave that person in your dust. This is what I did and I have zero regrets. They might miss me (as evidenced by cheery text messages sent to me at Christmas or my birthday) but I sure don’t miss them one bit. Living well is the very best revenge. |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 31, 2019 15:20:28 GMT
Family therapy can be incredibly helpful. But there's a lot of caveats: I hope it's a really good therapist; I wouldn't see this relative's therapist if you want to work this out; I would see a new, neutral party so there's no history there (just like a couple wouldn't see one of the partner's therapists for couples therapy); and both parties must be motivated for change.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
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Post by julie5 on Jul 31, 2019 15:53:27 GMT
Be prepared to get blasted in therapy. I attended family therapy with my daughter when she was in inpatient care, and her dad and stepmom were there too. The therapist had heard her side only and when we had the session he had encouraged her to speak the truth to me which ended up being a total safe place to roast me.
Now I attend therapy with my youngest son and it’s different. The therapist works to help us understand each other and fosters mutual understanding.
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Post by roberta on Jul 31, 2019 16:37:59 GMT
My thoughts:
•If you have moved on and are happy what benefits would there be for you to do this? What are you hoping to gain by doing this? Think this through and be honest with yourself.
•What are you opening yourself up for to even suggest this to this relative? What is the worst that could happen as a result and are you prepared to deal with that? What is the best and are you prepared to deal with that?
•Would you prefer to have this person back in your life? What are the +\- of that?
•Do you have the money for this? Therapy is expensive?
•Honestly I find it interesting (for you not me) that you got this idea from seeing some family therapy on TV. This is something for you to think about. Even though we “move on” many of us have lingering unresolved issues that jump out when they are poked, so to speak. If you have not already done so I highly suggest your own therapy. It was the best thing I ever did for myself!!
•You were treated badly and it is wise to remove yourself from that situation and take proper care of yourself. Continue to put your well-being before a harmful persons wants. You can only change you, no one else.
Good luck with this. I hope it works out for your best.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 31, 2019 17:20:42 GMT
Be prepared to get blasted in therapy. I attended family therapy with my daughter when she was in inpatient care, and her dad and stepmom were there too. The therapist had heard her side only and when we had the session he had encouraged her to speak the truth to me which ended up being a total safe place to roast me. Now I attend therapy with my youngest son and it’s different. The therapist works to help us understand each other and fosters mutual understanding. Totally proves my point: when you go WITH someone it's helpful. When you go to someone else's therapist, they've spent who knows how much time poisoning the well against you. Even the most well-meaning therapist will be suspicious of someone they've heard terrible things about session after session. |
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
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Post by julie5 on Jul 31, 2019 17:25:29 GMT
Be prepared to get blasted in therapy. I attended family therapy with my daughter when she was in inpatient care, and her dad and stepmom were there too. The therapist had heard her side only and when we had the session he had encouraged her to speak the truth to me which ended up being a total safe place to roast me. Now I attend therapy with my youngest son and it’s different. The therapist works to help us understand each other and fosters mutual understanding. Totally proves my point: when you go WITH someone it's helpful. When you go to someone else's therapist, they've spent who knows how much time poisoning the well against you. Even the most well-meaning therapist will be suspicious of someone they've heard terrible things about session after session. i read your post after I had posted and thought “yep!” There are different kinds of therapy, and going to someone else’s therapist can be very toxic. Even more damaging than the relationship itself. |
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Post by librarylady on Jul 31, 2019 18:40:10 GMT
I have 7 living siblings. After my mother died, one brother wanted to purchase Mom's home (to live in). One sister wanted to purchase the home and use it as a rent house. Everyone else voted to sell to him. She refused to sell. Harsh notes were being emailed back/forth. So, I and another sibling, found a family counselor who would meet with all of us for an entire Saturday and try to hash it out. Of course, old sibling issues came into the discussion. .....I'm not really sure that we accomplished much
that day and I am not sure we did the right thing, but it was the only solution I could see at the time.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
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Post by pilcas on Aug 1, 2019 3:01:03 GMT
This relative treated you badly. Talking bad about you to others behind your back and exaggerating is indicative of what kind of person they are. You do not want to have this person back in your life. If you are in a good place, stay there. Toxic people are best not having around.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Aug 1, 2019 3:52:43 GMT
I live just fine with a child, DDIL and father. I have relatives and only one I would go visit maybe. The rest I don’t care and don’t see. We have lots of close friends.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 1, 2019 11:52:52 GMT
My thoughts: •If you have moved on and are happy what benefits would there be for you to do this? What are you hoping to gain by doing this? Think this through and be honest with yourself. •What are you opening yourself up for to even suggest this to this relative? What is the worst that could happen as a result and are you prepared to deal with that? What is the best and are you prepared to deal with that? •Would you prefer to have this person back in your life? What are the +\- of that? •Do you have the money for this? Therapy is expensive? •Honestly I find it interesting (for you not me) that you got this idea from seeing some family therapy on TV. This is something for you to think about. Even though we “move on” many of us have lingering unresolved issues that jump out when they are poked, so to speak. If you have not already done so I highly suggest your own therapy. It was the best thing I ever did for myself!! •You were treated badly and it is wise to remove yourself from that situation and take proper care of yourself. Continue to put your well-being before a harmful persons wants. You can only change you, no one else. Good luck with this. I hope it works out for your best. I left out lots to the story, but i'm not suggesting this happen. Something was said to me recently that made me think I could get asked (and my thoughts went to something i'd seen recently because the situation is similar.) Good things to think through though even though I can't imagine i'd say yes even if asked. I guess I was looking for reassurance that I wasn't horrible to consider a no answer! |
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