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Post by librarylady on Aug 16, 2019 23:35:16 GMT
Excuse me if this has been discussed and I missed it.
Have read this story in which people criticized the parents for omitting the shooting that ended the lives of both of their children.
I personally do not fault the parents for leaving that out of the 2 obits. The parents were sharing the life of their child, not the news.
I can not even imagine the anguish in the house now that both of their children are dead. All the news that I have read says that no one saw his odd actions except for the friend who helped the shooter store supplies etc. I say let the parents cling to whatever good memories they have.
I have noticed in our obits that if someone was killed in a car crash or a violent event in the city--it is just left out.
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amom23
Drama Llama
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Post by amom23 on Aug 16, 2019 23:45:01 GMT
It is super common to leave out how a person died in their obituary. My feeling is not to judge unless you've walked in their shoes.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 16, 2019 23:47:04 GMT
The family removed the obit.
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Post by roberta on Aug 16, 2019 23:47:13 GMT
I agree. The family writes the obit and it is their right to include/omit whatever they choose. They have lost two children! The grief and guilt must be extraordinary.
Any parent knows that kids make bad choices sometimes. The majority of parents do a “good enough” job and I for one do not blame the parents most of the time. There are obvious exceptions.
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Post by mom on Aug 16, 2019 23:48:46 GMT
I heard about this the other day. Even after losing a child, I cannot imagine the pain the parents are feeling right now. I am certain they must struggle with the horrific actions of their son and still miss him (or atleast miss the child they loved). IMHO they deserved to be able to mourn their children.
That being said, I am also certain it was painful for the families of those who lost their loved ones. I seriously doubt the shooters parents would ever want to intentionally hurt other survivors though. Grief makes you do weird things.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 16, 2019 23:49:44 GMT
I can't imagine their pain at not only losing both of their children but also that one of them committed this horrendous act.
Of course they are going to leave COD out. Most obits do
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RosieKat
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Post by RosieKat on Aug 16, 2019 23:53:39 GMT
I guess if I were in their shoes, I would not issue a formal obituary, just the name and dates. Not everyone has one. But I'm not judging on this one - they must be dealing with an impossible emotional load right now.
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Post by busy on Aug 16, 2019 23:53:47 GMT
Honestly, I don’t know why would publish an obituary in this situation. I have tremendous empathy for them - I cannot imagine how painful it must be to have your child do something like that. However, nothing they can do will be right in the public eye. IMO, they are best off protecting themselves and their heartbreak by keeping an extremely low profile right now. It’s not fair for them to have to privately grieve, but I think it’s probably smarter for them.
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edie3
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Post by edie3 on Aug 16, 2019 23:56:40 GMT
I can't imagine their grief. I just can't.
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Post by mom on Aug 16, 2019 23:58:00 GMT
Honestly, I don’t know why would publish an obituary in this situation. I have tremendous empathy for them - I cannot imagine how painful it must be to have your child do something like that. However, nothing they can do will be right in the public eye. IMO, they are best off protecting themselves and their heartbreak by keeping an extremely low profile right now. It’s not fair for them to have to privately grieve, but I think it’s probably smarter for them. I suspect they did so they have a tangible reminder that their child existed. That he was more that what he did that day. Not saying its right but they most likely loved their kid since the moment he was born, and he was more than his actions that day. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:01:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2019 0:26:08 GMT
I agree that they didn't need to publish the obituary for all to see. While I can't imagine their grief, I also think it's hurtful for friends/families/first responders whose lives have been permanently impacted by the acts of this gunman, to read about him in such a loving light.
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Post by annabella on Aug 17, 2019 1:25:20 GMT
Totally inappropriate the parents thought it ok to do this. Did he have a long weapon? Did his sister not see this? I wonder if it was some suicide pack? Did he have some mental limitations?
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Post by annabella on Aug 17, 2019 1:28:50 GMT
I also don’t like when obits leave out the cause of death. In a violent crime I could understand, but otherwise why is it a secret they had cancer or something. I don’t care to read 20 relative names.
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Country Ham
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Aug 17, 2019 2:00:38 GMT
I don’t care to read 20 relative names. That's the part I find most helpful if that makes sense. Even though I lived here almost 20 years now I still struggle to know all the family connections. So when the 90 year old in the nursing home dies it's the obit that helps me tie her into people I may know or know of. |
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Aug 17, 2019 2:04:12 GMT
Totally inappropriate the parents thought it ok to do this. Did he have a long weapon? Did his sister not see this? I wonder if it was some suicide pack? Did he have some mental limitations? He left his sister and his friend and went back to the car. Added body armor and got the long gun, assault type with magazines with 100 bullets each. |
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ellen
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Post by ellen on Aug 17, 2019 2:35:20 GMT
I was hosting guests for six days straight during the time of these murders so I had little time on the internet or watching the news on tv. I totally missed that his sister was one of the victims. I can't imagine a family having to process all of that. I'm sure it was painful for other people to read a glowing obituary about a mass murderer, but I get why the family wrote it. I think they made a good decision to remove it.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:01:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2019 11:54:01 GMT
Totally inappropriate the parents thought it ok to do this. Did he have a long weapon? Did his sister not see this? I wonder if it was some suicide pack? Did he have some mental limitations? He left his sister and his friend and went back to the car. Added body armor and got the long gun, assault type with magazines with 100 bullets each. Autopsy revealed he had cocaine, alcohol and Xanax in his system at the time. Did no one know? I honestly don't know how I would feel about this obituary. If I were a family member of one of the survivors, I'd be outraged. I think an obituary for their daughter would be appropriate, no cause of death necessary. There's no need to have a place marker (obituary) for him - his name will be memorialized forever, unfortunately. |
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MsKnit
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Post by MsKnit on Aug 17, 2019 12:14:08 GMT
First, people do not make the best decisions in times of grief. And, these parents were no doubt under a tremendous amount of grief having lost 2 children and the circumstances of the loss. I can completely see them going through the motions of unexpected funeral services in a haze. The obit is something the funeral home sometimes helps write, IME.
Second, he was loved by his parents and other people. They likely had a lifetime of wonderful memories of their son. They aren't going to have the memories erased by this horrendous act.
Can you imagine the turmoil of thought and emotions experienced between loving their son and knowing he was their daughter's murderer? How does one even get out of bed and function? Yet, they are expected to make wise decisions?
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:01:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2019 12:24:14 GMT
I am giving the parents some grace. They suffered a huge loss and have to deal with the fact their son not only killed his sister but also 7 other people.
Could they have worded it differently? Sure. Could they have not had it published? Sure. But they are grieving in a way the families of the other victims and survivors are not. No one thinks clearly during grief.
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lindas
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Post by lindas on Aug 17, 2019 13:17:08 GMT
I find it disgusting that ABCNews went to the funeral home website and then made the obit public. They had a big enough story, they didn't need his obit too. It was done to embarrass and shame the family and ABC owes them an apology.
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Post by peano on Aug 17, 2019 16:07:18 GMT
I find it disgusting that ABCNews went to the funeral home website and then made the obit public. They had a big enough story, they didn't need his obit too. It was done to embarrass and shame the family and ABC owes them an apology. It was my impression that obits are public information. And you are doing a lot of mind reading here. Yes, I suppose your interpretation could be correct. I think it is more likely ABC was trying to get more information about the killer. I think most people (I know it’s true for me) want to find some understanding about what makes someone commit such a horrific act. |
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Post by busy on Aug 17, 2019 16:09:38 GMT
I find it disgusting that ABCNews went to the funeral home website and then made the obit public. They had a big enough story, they didn't need his obit too. It was done to embarrass and shame the family and ABC owes them an apology. It was my impression that obits are public information. And you are doing a lot of mind reading here. Yes, I suppose your interpretation could be correct. I think it is more likely ABC was trying to get more information about the killer. I think most people (I know it’s true for me) want to find some understanding about what makes someone commit such a horrific act. There’s no way to understand. These actions are not the products of rational minds (which is NOT the same thing as saying perpetrators are all mentally ill). |
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Post by annabella on Aug 17, 2019 17:36:21 GMT
Autopsy revealed he had cocaine, alcohol and Xanax in his system at the time. Did no one know? I don't believe that causes murder thoughts? The housewives of NY often use cocaine and it just makes them jittery or mixed with alcohol oddly argumentative. I thought xanax was for anxiety to keep you calm? We don't know how much alcohol he had? She could have reported his talk to the authorities. I've said this for many years, our press needs to stop showing every mass shooting, it only gives more unhinged people ideas. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2019 17:40:30 GMT
I don’t care to read 20 relative names. Obituaries listing names have been very helpful in locating heirs/relatives. I'm glad the parents chose to take the eulogy down. Yes the parents are grieving and yes, they may not be thinking rationally when it was issued; however, as much compassion as they are owed, they should have been equally as compassionate to those whose lives were taken away. The article states that the obituary read that the shooter was, "A funny, articulate and intelligent man with striking blue eyes and a kind smile..." Imagine reading that about someone who intentionally killed your loved one? |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 17, 2019 17:57:52 GMT
I think many people go into ritual mode after a death - particularly if it's unexpected. There are all these expectations of things to do and you just work through the list in more than a bit of a daze. In many ways it's bizarrely comforting - even if hectic - as at least for me, my brain needed some tasks to focus on instead of the reality of the moment. I wish someone would have thought to step in and tell the family that posting this obituary publicly would have other ramifications. It sounds like they took it down quickly. I'm willing to extend grace to a family going through hell.
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Sarah*H
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Post by Sarah*H on Aug 17, 2019 18:18:58 GMT
I don't blame them for writing the obituary reflecting the child they knew but I also think someone should have stepped in to say that making it public was probably going to result in more pain and notoriety. The other thing which hasn't been widely reported is that his sister was actually a trans man with a completely different name than the family/media have been using. It's unclear whether he was out to his family but it adds an additional layer of complexity and confusion to the family dynamics.
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Post by sassyangel on Aug 17, 2019 18:32:18 GMT
I also don’t like when obits leave out the cause of death. In a violent crime I could understand, but otherwise why is it a secret they had cancer or something. I don’t care to read 20 relative names. Obituaries are for the living, though. It’s sad that the people who loved the person and are left behind grieving, are such an inconvenience to you. |
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Post by sassyangel on Aug 17, 2019 18:34:10 GMT
Honestly, I don’t know why would publish an obituary in this situation. I have tremendous empathy for them - I cannot imagine how painful it must be to have your child do something like that. However, nothing they can do will be right in the public eye. IMO, they are best off protecting themselves and their heartbreak by keeping an extremely low profile right now. It’s not fair for them to have to privately grieve, but I think it’s probably smarter for them. This. I have nothing but empathy for them, and as such can see that doing this might open them up to more grief.  |
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Post by jubejubes on Aug 17, 2019 20:12:50 GMT
I don't blame them for writing the obituary reflecting the child they knew but I also think someone should have stepped in to say that making it public was probably going to result in more pain and notoriety. The other thing which hasn't been widely reported is that his sister was actually a trans man with a completely different name than the family/media have been using. It's unclear whether he was out to his family but it adds an additional layer of complexity and confusion to the family dynamics. WHY would it matter if the sister was actually a trans man? WHY does "the public" have to have all the details about everyone? This person was the sister to the shooter. Additional information is not necessary for anyone else to know. HAVE YOU EVER been in the public eye where "everyone" wants to know "everything", mostly to gossip about it? There are some things that only the officials and the family need to know. Jon Doe and the rest of the public really do not need to know every single detail. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2019 21:12:22 GMT
I don't believe that causes murder thoughts? The housewives of NY often use cocaine and it just makes them jittery or mixed with alcohol oddly argumentative. I thought xanax was for anxiety to keep you calm? We don't know how much alcohol he had? : HOW did you come across that confirmation about the NY Housewives?? Did you mean to link the RHONY with this, or was this a comment in general about housewives in NY?? If so, I've never heard of that in my life! Whilest I can be seen as jittery, energetic or sometimes argumentative, I've NEVER touched street drugs in my entire life (never smoked anything either). I don't even have caffeine in my diet! It's just my makeup, and maybe/possibly it's the makeup of these "housewives of NY" that you are referring to??? I never assume as to what drugs someone is doing. As far as the shooter: WOW!!! I didn't know that he was on drugs when he did the shootings. Still awaiting a reason as to why he'd want to shoot his sister. Her bf claims that the shooter and the family were all nice and decent to him. Maybe drugs and possibly alcohol set off something in him?? It's so tragic. |
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