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Post by heckofagal on Sept 3, 2019 16:01:37 GMT
My 23 DD still lives at home and probably will for a while. She is a social worker and not making much $ and most of her paycheck goes to pay off college loans. She had been dating a young man for over a year and though she saw him regularly it was clear there was not a future with this boy. All of her friends from high school have either moved away or dropped out of her life. She has a couple friends from college in the area, but one just moved away and the other is busy working, going to school or traveling to another city to visit her longtime boyfriend.
Over the weekend my DD and her boyfriend broke up. My DD, who has a history of depression, is not handling this well as now she feels she has nobody to hang out with. I think the fact that she has no friends right now is making her more depressed than breaking up with the boy.
I'm trying to suggest ways she can meet new people. I suggested joining a local meet up group, taking a class at the community college, volunteering or getting a part time job. She does not want to work any more than her 40 hours she is already putting in at her full time job. She tried to join one of the local meet up groups and they denied her application (really?) and I'm trying to keep her from slipping into that black hole. I've tried to tell her that she knew there was not a future with this boy and she should see this as a new fresh beginning as she has started a new job and has been going back to the gym again lately...but not having anyone to talk with or hang out with is dragging her down.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Sept 3, 2019 16:07:54 GMT
Sorry to hear about the breakup. I can imagine it’s very rough on her if she’s lacking in the friend department. Can she reconnect with any friends from the past through social media and then maybe take it from there? Is there a young adult group she can join through church? What about a young adult book club with a focus she’s interested in?
Unfortunately I feel you have to go out and find your social life as it won’t just drop in your lap. She’ll have to find the mojo. Maybe not this week for her? But soon.
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mich5481
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Post by mich5481 on Sept 3, 2019 16:14:40 GMT
Is there a young professionals group in your area? That's usually a good way to meet people.
Also, if she is at all politically inclined, now is a good time to reach out to campaigns, parties, and candidates for volunteer roles. She'll meet a lot of people who share her beliefs that way.
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Post by aljack on Sept 3, 2019 16:16:39 GMT
Ugh! They denied her in a Meetup group? Probably for the best if it’s that “elite” unless it’s an age or demographic issue? I know that some state you must attend so many functions, pay small dues, etc. which could also be the case?
Otherwise, I would see if she can find a fitness class at her gym that she’s interested in, a club for hiking, biking, or even a free or discount class being offered through a library possibly?
Is there a cool coffee place or bookstore that offers a spot to hangout and perhaps has events?
We have a lot of networking socials in my area which varies from all women to businesses.
Another thought is a buddy program if she is interested in mentoring someone?
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Post by myshelly on Sept 3, 2019 16:18:45 GMT
I’ve made a lot of friends through groups on meetup . com
She should try more groups.
What about classes not at the college. Like a cooking school, art classes, workout classes, dance.
Book club at the library.
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mich5481
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Post by mich5481 on Sept 3, 2019 16:19:54 GMT
Another thought - her job might pay for her to get a graduate degree in her field, most likely an MSW (Master of Social Work) or an MPA (Master of Public Administration). It might be something worth looking into. Online classes are better for working with her schedule, but in person classes would allow her to meet people and network.
Also, see if she has joined any professional organizations for social work, especially if she intends to make this her permanent career.
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Post by chaosisapony on Sept 3, 2019 17:43:49 GMT
Does she have any old friends that she hasn't seen in a while she could reach out to? Doesn't have to be a BFF but maybe someone she shared classes with or that used to work with her.
When I was in this situation I just decided to start saying yes to whatever invitation to something I might receive. Like if a neighbor mentioned in passing that they like to take walks and invite me along "sometime". I'd follow up and go on the walk. I had a coworker invite me to Thanksgiving one year when I mentioned my family wasn't doing anything. My natural inclination was to say "no, thanks" since it seems awkward and intrusive to show up at someone else's Thanksgiving. But instead I happily accepted, made a dish, and showed up and had a great time.
Some of the friendships I made have lasted and some fizzled out. I also had a couple of people I approached be a little rude and turn me down. But over all it worked out well and I am a better person for coming out of my shell and learning to make new friends.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:09:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2019 17:51:28 GMT
Tell her to try other meet up groups. Surely there is more than one that interests her.
Some of them do have age requirements or a limit as to how many people they can accommodate due to space. So getting turned down isn't so much as personal but they are full.
Absolutely nothing is guaranteed.
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Rhondito
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Post by Rhondito on Sept 3, 2019 18:06:57 GMT
She could try a Young Adults Singles group at church. Also, any kind of physical activity/group/league is a great place to meet people and make friends.
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River
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Post by River on Sept 3, 2019 18:22:30 GMT
I was going to suggest volunteering but read she's not interested in working more than she already does. However, when I volunteer, it doesn't feel like work. I have found wonderful friends and a way to enjoy my own time through volunteering.
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Post by lily on Sept 3, 2019 18:29:03 GMT
Does she have any hobbies? For example, if she enjoys plays or theatre shows, maybe she can join a local theatre group. Crafts? I know around here Michaels and Joann's have classes for various crafts (knitting, sewing) and she could meet people that way. Book Club at the library. Another popular club for young adults is Toastmasters.
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Post by bothmykidsrbrats on Sept 3, 2019 18:39:53 GMT
Volunteering for political campaigns was a life saver for DS when a devastating freak accident ripped his college basketball scholarship and career out from under him. At the same time, he realized a lot of his friends were not the kind of people he thought they were, and meeting new people with the same values and passion for human rights, equality, and decency was exactly what he needed. Your DD people are out there. She will find them, but she needs to know what part of her life she is trying to fill with them first. Having people to just hang out with is different than having people that have a real meaning in your life.
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Post by heckofagal on Sept 3, 2019 19:34:04 GMT
Thanks for all your responses. It is so hard watching her struggle. She’s never been shy, had many friends in high school, but her best friend from high school has cut off all contact with her (I’m not really sure what happened there) and her other close friends have all moved away. She just feels like she has been rejected over and over again. I’ve suggested she reach out to acquaintances but I think she also feels embarrassed to be at this point in her life right now and not have a circle of friends. I don’t think she wants to join any church groups, I think her depression has wreaked havoc with her relationship with God. She hates Trump but I don’t think she wants to join any political groups/campaigns. A young man she dated a couple years ago was very involved in politics and he was arrested for trying to hook up with young girls and it kind of skeeved her out. Since the first meetup group rejected her I’m pretty sure it will be hard to get her to sign up for another. I don’t think she is in a good place right now to be mentoring anyone, although part of her job is teaching life skills classes to troubled youth. She was involved in theater in high school but our local groups seem to be for kids or older adults. She is in the process of applying for grad school, and I keep praying she gets accepted as another rejection will absolutely kill her. Until then I will encourage some fitness classes, craft classes our young professionals groups. Thanks for all your suggestions!
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Post by flanz on Sept 3, 2019 20:03:20 GMT
There's nothing worse than watching one of our children struggling. (((HUGS))) to you, Mom!
Sadly, your dd is going to have to put herself out there is she is going to make new friends... and I understand how impossible that feels when we're depressed.
If she can start exercising regularly, it may really improve her mood and sense of wellbeing, and maybe she'll be more motivated to reach out and try new things?
I have a recommendation for a book that saved me back in 2012 when I was weaning off of Zoloft and hit a very painful, brick wall (9 day migraine). Through the pain and nausea I scoured the internet for anecdotal or other recommendations of things that might help me stick with the weaning process.
Buying The Mood Cure by Julia Ross was the best ten bucks I ever spent. It seems that my brain needs supplemental L-Tyrosine, an amino acid. the book is great because it starts with 4 questionnaires and your scores then send you to a specific chapter or two in the book. It was doable, even when I felt like absolute hell. For most people, a short term supplement ( about 3 months, 100 pill bottle, one per day) is all it takes. For me, I need it daily and it's been 7 years now. I highly recommend this book to anyone suffering anxiety or depression. Good luck to your daughter, and to you!
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Post by monklady123 on Sept 3, 2019 20:37:39 GMT
Was she in a sorority in college? If so, she could get in touch with the local group or ask the national office for some local contacts. I've seen the network in action with my dd's sorority. I was also going to suggest hobbies (someone else mentioned it above). My son is into tabletop strategy gaming (Warhammer 4000, for example)... he has made great friends from getting involved at the game store in the town where he went to college. He has also met the woman that he will probably end up marrying... women are rare there, but one day there she was.  Church would be my other suggestion, if she's interested in attending one. A lot of churches have groups and services aimed at young people, especially if they're located near a university. Or, does she like to sing? There are community choruses that are more relaxed than some... I used to sing with one that didn't even ask for auditions. Just show up if you love to sing.  |
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Post by femalebusiness on Sept 3, 2019 20:56:07 GMT
My first thought was adopt a puppy. That would keep her busy. She could walk it for exercise and take it to the dog park and meet others with dogs.
But my second thought was that maybe she needs to get into therapy. Her life will never bloom if she doesn't put forth the effort to make it happen. Only she can do that. She needs to learn to not to take rejection personally and that is very difficult to do if she is depressed. Maybe the right therapist could give her some motivation to embrace life.
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CeeScraps
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Post by CeeScraps on Sept 3, 2019 21:28:12 GMT
When I first got out of college and got an apartment I too was teaching. I was lonely. My boyfriend at the time was hours away. I knew that our relationship wasn’t going to last. We were growing apart.
I went and got a part time job. It was a win win situation for me. I didn’t want a lot of hours, but took on more the more I enjoyed it. I met friends. That led to a social life.
I would also invite fellow teachers to my apartment. Everyone brought something to munch on. We played UNO. It worked well. I did that a few times. Once I did that I was more accepted into the grade level I was working in.
All of this was putting myself out there. I had to. I realized it. So it was coming up with something myself or being alone.
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Post by SockMonkey on Sept 3, 2019 21:31:07 GMT
You have mentioned her depression twice. I think she should seek therapy and see a doctor.
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kibblesandbits
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Post by kibblesandbits on Sept 3, 2019 21:40:03 GMT
I'm going to gently say that you can't fix this. And you fussing about suggesting this and that, coming up with ideas, busy bodying and intruding is NOT helping her depression or state of mind.
Step back. Tell her you're sure she can fix this, then leave it alone.
She's 23. If it were me, I'd get started on the "time to get your own place" plan. There's nothing like taking charge of your own life to encourage growth, exploration, and self appreciation.
Putting on the flame retardant suit now . . . . I'm sorry she is struggling.
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kelly8875
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Post by kelly8875 on Sept 3, 2019 22:29:19 GMT
Your DD people are out there. She will find them, but she needs to know what part of her life she is trying to fill with them first. Having people to just hang out with is different than having people that have a real meaning in your life. This. What is she hoping to gain? Making friends is hard, and takes time as an adult. |
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pudgygroundhog
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Sept 3, 2019 22:53:22 GMT
Sorry your DD is struggling. What is she doing to address the depression? That seems to be a contributing factor.
Before we moved, I wasn't looking to meet new people, but did make new friends organically though activities like volunteering at a cat shelter, going on some hikes with a meetup group, through classes at the gym, and volunteering on some political campaigns. I think it's good to focus on things she wants to do anyway and meeting people should come naturally through a mutual interest. Local libraries often have a lot of programs - book clubs, talks, game nights, knitting circles, etc.
Meeting people and making friends can be tough and I think the end result is a product of the effort you put into it. We just moved (have been here a month) and I haven't met many people, but I have put zero effort into it because I've been so busy getting settled. Once things calm down, I plan on reaching out and putting the effort in to make some new friends.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Sept 3, 2019 23:39:27 GMT
My 22-year-old daughter has a similar issue in having people to hang out with. She went to the local community college and is now at a commuter University. I’m hoping now that she can take her major classes that she will hopefully meet some girls to hang out with.
It’s sad to see your child sitting on the sidelines while other groups of girls get together regularly to go out and have fun together.
I have suggested meet up groups and one thing I recommend for your daughter is to start her own meet up group. I did that out in California and it is still going strong.
I moved to a new town last November and I have tried meet up groups here with limited success. I’m still trying but it’s a slow go and my SO Moved away yesterday. He will still visit but it’s not the same as having him here all the time.
I am busy working but I definitely want to try to cultivate a group of ladies to hang out with. Good luck to you and your daughter as you navigate the difficult times for young adults.
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Post by heckofagal on Sept 4, 2019 15:29:50 GMT
I truly appreciate all of your encouraging words and suggestions. Yes, my DD does see a therapist and she is on meds for depression. We are looking into this to see if she needs her meds tweaked, unfortunately her therapist books up quickly, but she loves her and we try to get her in as often as possible. Drama Llama – I will take a look at the book recommendation.
She was in a sorority in college, but she never really felt a connection with any of her sorority sisters. She was close with a girl from a different sorority and I think it put a strain on the relationship with members of her sorority. I considered surprising her with a puppy as she has wanted a Pomeranian for a long time, but we already have a dog and I’m not really wanting to add another to the mix. I do think it would be a good idea if she started her own meet up group. She’ll just have to figure out what kind of group she would like to start.
I do not feel like I am ‘busy-bodying’ in her life. She came to me asking how to make some new friends and I’m trying to offer suggestions and motivating her to get involved. She says she wants to be dead… so I try to show her reasons she does not want to be dead. (And yes, if I thought she might hurt herself I would address that, but we have discussed this before, she says she would never hurt herself.) I’m an involved mom and close to my kids and they like it that way. It would be great if she could get her own place, but right now she is not ready financially to do so, and its probably best for her to be around people to interact with on a daily basis right now anyway.
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Sept 4, 2019 15:39:48 GMT
I'd hammer away at fixing the depression and then work on finding a way to make more $$ so she can get out of debt and move out of mom's house sooner. That can really drag you down. Want to do, and need to do are 2 different things. I don't think she's going to manage it until she gets the depression sorted. I think some of the other things will fall into place. Plus, she's at that age where you start to figure out your old friends aren't your old friends anymore. Everyone is starting their new lives and don't have time. You have to learn to survive on less friends and a great relationship with a future/current spouse.
Tell her this guy breaking up with her is probably the best thing that will ever happen to her. How can she meet "the one" when she's hanging on to "Mr clearly wrong"?
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likescarrots
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Post by likescarrots on Sept 4, 2019 16:07:54 GMT
If she doesn't have money to find her own place and is also looking for friends, why doesn't she try finding a roommate?
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