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Post by workingclassdog on Sept 4, 2019 13:42:03 GMT
First of all I just want to say I am very supportive of my daughter and nothing changes that. Told her that first off. But this is how it went down. I get home from work and she opens the door for me and she says straight off I have something for you and it is very important. I said okay and whats behind your back. Then I am thinking she is having fun and she says again it's very important. I go okay what is it. She hands me a note and it says "I'm a lesbian. No, it's not a phase. I will not grow out of this. I do not like any boys. I've known for a year or two now, I just haven't come out of the closet yet"
I just take a deep breath and proceed to say, okay, I love you just as much as I did yesterday and nothing changes that no matter what. Then just tried to ask a few questions to feel her out. She is very youngish for her age, still plays with her toys (although that is dwindling). I said 'do you just don't like boys because you are just not interested yet?'. Or do you like a girl at school? Just feeling her out.
She said she doesn't like boys and no there wasn't a girl that she 'likes'. She has a best friend that lives in another state that she did say something about her. Otherwise I don't know how far to take this at her age. I did advise her that I wouldn't go announcing something like that at school at this time. I told her I am not trying to keep this under wraps but I don't want you to get teased or bullied until you are a little older and really ready for reactions. I asked her if she wanted to talk to her dad and sister and she didn't want to yet. I said lets just keep discussing this between us and later when you are older we can take the next steps. I really don't know what else at this point to say.
Should we talk to her school counselor? Or a psychologist? Just for her to talk it out.
Is she too young to really know? I mean could she just not like boys and thinks she is a lesbian? Her note to me seems very, I don't know what the words are, like she read those words and copied them. Not to say she is making it up, but between media, kids talking and it is all around us, I am concerned she is confused. Which is why maybe talking to a counselor or doctor would be a good thing for her and for me (to help her along)
This is really something I have never dealt with.. this close.. No one is our family is gay as far as I know. We have friends who are gay but that is about it.
DH will really take this hard, although I know he will be supportive, it will just be a shock for him. Her brother/sister will be fine. DH parents who knows what the heck they will say.. YIKES.. my mom will be great.
I just hope I said the right things.. any advice is great. I think the main thing that concerns me is the other kids and later just people being mean or prejudice towards her.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:03:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2019 13:48:08 GMT
You said the right things. I dont think you need to take her to a counselor or a therapist. Like I said, she is very young. Just let it rest and wait it out and see what happens as she matures. She may know. I am bi, and I've known since my very first crush on Madonna when I was 13  . At 11 though, I wasnt thinking about stuff like this at all. It may be something she's heard and copied and thinks right now it may be she's completely aware of her sexuality, who knows. Give it a little time. I think your reaction was perfect. |
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,718 
Location: Ohio
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Post by StephDRebel on Sept 4, 2019 13:56:37 GMT
I think you leave it be, just as you would if she made an announcement that she liked boys.
She will sort it out.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Sept 4, 2019 13:59:02 GMT
You reacted well. Unless she requests to talk to someone I won't involve a school counsellor or other professional. She might think that you think it's really a problem to be solved.
Spend the next few years building her confidence so that those mean comments roll off her back. And have her back, always.
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Post by workingclassdog on Sept 4, 2019 14:09:25 GMT
Phew... Okay I feel so much better... I was sitting there with her just hugging and not saying anything, thinking do I say more or do I say less. Not that I want to keep this from DH cause he is a WORRY WART, should I just let it go for now.. cause I know he will just worry about it.. and plus he is on the road for weeks. He will sit there and dwell.
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Post by koontz on Sept 4, 2019 14:09:51 GMT
I think you leave it be, just as you would if she made an announcement that she liked boys. She will sort it out. This. And hugs to you. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:03:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2019 14:18:46 GMT
Phew... Okay I feel so much better... I was sitting there with her just hugging and not saying anything, thinking do I say more or do I say less. Not that I want to keep this from DH cause he is a WORRY WART, should I just let it go for now.. cause I know he will just worry about it.. and plus he is on the road for weeks. He will sit there and dwell.
Yeah. I'd let it go for now. No amount of worrying will end up changing her sexual preference, and with her being so young, who knows what she may end up feeling or being.
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Post by librarylady on Sept 4, 2019 14:25:02 GMT
You have received good advice from others, so I have nothing to add.
FWIW, my sisters and I were talking about this very thing over the weekend. I/we think the media has created an awareness that is a double edged sword---on one hand it is good for a child to know that he/she is not alone in feelings for the same sex, but often there are crushes when a kid is young that don't mean a thing as to one's adult sexuality. I was a tomboy but am heterosexual. ...I know a female who is very feminine but is a lesbian. Age 11 is very young, IMO, to decide one's sexuality.
I support your response very strongly. Glad your daughter trusts you.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:03:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2019 14:41:41 GMT
I would just let it be. To be honest I doubt very much, from what she said to you, that she actually knows what the word lesbian means. Not liking boys at that age doesn't mean that you're a lesbian. A lot of girls at that age think that boys are a pain in the backside "just because they're boys" and generally have no interest in the same things that they do. Some on the other hand count boys as their best friends. Neither makes them a lesbian or a hetrosexual.. It's just part of growing up and usually doesn't hold an " emotional" attachment whatsoever in either case.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by kelly8875 on Sept 4, 2019 15:10:03 GMT
HOW she told you doesn’t matter. That she TRUSTED you enough to tell you is what matters most. For many many many people, writing it down is the easiest way to get it out. She is not too young, she doesn’t need a counselor or anyone unless SHE wants to. just keep supporting her like it was her coming to tell you she likes boys. You’ve got a good one there who is willing to not bottle herself up, and feels safe to talk. |
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Post by busy on Sept 4, 2019 15:15:08 GMT
You have received good advice from others, so I have nothing to add. FWIW, my sisters and I were talking about this very thing over the weekend. I/we think the media has created an awareness that is a double edged sword---on one hand it is good for a child to know that he/she is not alone in feelings for the same sex, but often there are crushes when a kid is young that don't mean a thing as to one's adult sexuality. I was a tomboy but am heterosexual. ...I know a female who is very feminine but is a lesbian. Age 11 is very young, IMO, to decide one's sexuality. I support your response very strongly. Glad your daughter trusts you. How old were you when you “decided” your sexuality? |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 4, 2019 15:39:02 GMT
I think you handled it just fine. And I agree that at this age it’s probably best to just wait things out for now. While 11 is really young to be making that type of declaration, many gay people that I know knew from a very young age and others in their family suspected long before the person made it common knowledge even within the family. So that part I would believe.
At 11 liking anyone romantically wasn’t anywhere on my radar. In my family, we weren’t allowed to date anyone until we were 15-16, so at 11 even if we did know what our orientation was (either way) my parents wouldn’t have let us have a boyfriend/girlfriend at that age anyway. I wonder what part puberty might play with this, I had zero interest in boys until about 7th-8th grade but I was also a very late bloomer.
And I totally get your concern for her getting bullied or teased, I would worry about that a lot too because anything that sets one kid apart from the rest makes them almost an automatic target for the little jerks who pull that kind of mean kid crap.
I’m so glad that your kid was comfortable enough to have that conversation with you! That alone is huge. Now the key is to keep the door open so she will keep talking as time goes on and she works all of these thoughts and feelings out.
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Post by angieh1996 on Sept 4, 2019 15:45:18 GMT
Great Job mama!
I knew my DD was gay before she ever told us. So when she finally said something I just hugged her and said I know baby and thats OK. She cried. I said there was no reason to cry. We love you no matter what. If you're happy we're happy. She was so afraid her dad was going to blow up. He didn't. Fast forward a few years and we absolutely adore her GF. They've been dating for 2 years, and are adorable. I jokingly told my dh if they ever split up I'm not sure who would be more heart broken, me or my dd.
I think at this point in your DD's life, just let it be for now. She's 11. She'll sort it out. Just be supportive.
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Post by MichyM on Sept 4, 2019 15:50:56 GMT
As the mom of a gay adult son I think you did well. The only thing I disagree with is keeping it from your husband. This is a big, huge thing to your daughter. To keep it “secret” adds unnecessary shame.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Sept 4, 2019 15:58:20 GMT
I just hope I said the right things.. any advice is great. You REALLY said the right things! Thinking better then many. Let her lead you with questions and/or conversations. IF the dating subject comes up, hold the line, no dating boys or girls until 15.... |
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sharlag
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Posts: 6,586
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Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Sept 4, 2019 16:04:49 GMT
She's so lucky to have you!
Think of all the young people who have come out to their parents, only to be rejected.
Thanks for sharing this. I know you did so for reassurance and advice, but I find it uplifting to hear when families treat each other with love and acceptance.
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Post by jenr on Sept 4, 2019 16:07:20 GMT
I'm so glad to read this post and all the replies. My 13 year old niece has been expressing the same things as your daughter, and I had a lot of the same questions as you. You sound like a great mom, and I think you handled it beautifully!
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 4, 2019 16:07:48 GMT
As the mom of a gay adult son I think you did well. The only thing I disagree with is keeping it from your husband. This is a big, huge thing to your daughter. To keep it “secret” adds unnecessary shame. While I understand what you’re saying, it isn’t the mom’s decision to make at this time and to spill the beans before her kid is ready for that would be a huge breech of trust. The DD is trying to figure all of this out for herself and she took a *huge* leap of faith just to tell her mom. Mom needs to not break that trust. If anything, I would talk to my kid privately about opening up to her dad too but I wouldn’t be the one to tell him unless she was okay with it first. |
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Post by Lexica on Sept 4, 2019 16:13:33 GMT
I think you responded just fine. At that age, speaking for myself, I wasn’t aware of my sexuality one way or the other. I knew we were not allowed to date one-on-one until we were 16 and I was fine with that. Although, when I was 12, I met the boy who became my husband. I thought he was cute, and we hung out as friends with our whole group, but it was still years before I felt any strong feelings towards him.
I would just leave the topic alone unless she wants to talk and ask questions. You’ve reassured her that you are there no matter what and I think that was perfect. You have left the door open and she will bring this up again if she needs to. And since she doesn’t want to announce anything to the family, I would let that go until she wants her dad to know. I normally wouldn’t want to keep a secret from my husband, but this is your daughter’s privacy and her story to tell when she is ready. She may come to realize this was a phase for her or she may realize it this young. I don’t have any female gay friends, so hopefully someone here will be able to let you know at what age they realized they themselves were gay. I do know my male friends knew at various ages, some younger than your daughter.
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Post by workingclassdog on Sept 4, 2019 16:13:53 GMT
As the mom of a gay adult son I think you did well. The only thing I disagree with is keeping it from your husband. This is a big, huge thing to your daughter. To keep it “secret” adds unnecessary shame. She said she isn't ready to tell dad.. So there was my dilemma to clue him in or just wait and tell him when she is ready. I'm just not saying anything to him now because he will stress about it and do nothing but think of it. He's a worry wart about everything so that is the reasoning. IF she wanted to go ahead and tell dad then I would support that as well. I think in person would be better too instead of over the phone. |
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Post by MichyM on Sept 4, 2019 16:17:42 GMT
As the mom of a gay adult son I think you did well. The only thing I disagree with is keeping it from your husband. This is a big, huge thing to your daughter. To keep it “secret” adds unnecessary shame. While I understand what you’re saying, it isn’t the mom’s decision to make at this time and to spill the beans before her kid is ready for that would be a huge breech of trust. The DD is trying to figure all of this out for herself and she took a *huge* leap of faith just to tell her mom. Mom needs to not break that trust. If anything, I would talk to my kid privately about opening up to her dad too but I wouldn’t be the one to tell him unless she was okay with it first. I am not saying that mom should tell dad. Daughter should tell dad. Not telling dad really shouldn’t be an option after telling mom. The expectation that mom won’t say anything to dad is not modeling a healthy family in my opinion. |
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Sept 4, 2019 16:18:22 GMT
As the mom of a gay adult son I think you did well. The only thing I disagree with is keeping it from your husband. This is a big, huge thing to your daughter. To keep it “secret” adds unnecessary shame. While I understand what you’re saying, it isn’t the mom’s decision to make at this time and to spill the beans before her kid is ready for that would be a huge breech of trust. The DD is trying to figure all of this out for herself and she took a *huge* leap of faith just to tell her mom. Mom needs to not break that trust. If anything, I would talk to my kid privately about opening up to her dad too but I wouldn’t be the one to tell him unless she was okay with it first. Exactly...it’s her news to share when she’s ready. |
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Post by workingclassdog on Sept 4, 2019 16:21:23 GMT
Oh just wanted to add, yeah there is no 'dating' before 15-16 so there isn't any of that until then. I would say I (we) run on the more protective side. Heck she still holds my hand crossing the street (her doing..lol.. She is always looking for hugs and kisses (way moreso than my other two) and will still 'try' to snuggle with me in my chair although she is starting to kill my legs..lol. |
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Post by workingclassdog on Sept 4, 2019 16:23:58 GMT
While I understand what you’re saying, it isn’t the mom’s decision to make at this time and to spill the beans before her kid is ready for that would be a huge breech of trust. The DD is trying to figure all of this out for herself and she took a *huge* leap of faith just to tell her mom. Mom needs to not break that trust. If anything, I would talk to my kid privately about opening up to her dad too but I wouldn’t be the one to tell him unless she was okay with it first. I am not saying that mom should tell dad. Daughter should tell dad. Not telling dad really shouldn’t be an option after telling mom. The expectation that mom won’t say anything to dad is not modeling a healthy family in my opinion. But she is the one that doesn't want to yet. Forcing her wouldn't be a good thing either.. I get what you are saying though.. I just feel when she is ready to tell dad then I will let it happen as she wants. I'm not saying she wants to wait years down the road.. I think she is thinking within the next few times he will be home. I do struggle with it but feel like it just needs to simmer awhile. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Sept 4, 2019 16:26:15 GMT
ITA w/letting it go here. She'll know when she knows, if she doesn't already. This is a chance to teach her that either way, the goal is to be in a loving relationship w/a partner who treats you well. Great relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, communiciation and love. First and foremost, you must love yourself. Gender preference is a non-issue. You're doing fine here. Be there to listen and help her become a strong, successful and confident woman. That's your job.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
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Post by likescarrots on Sept 4, 2019 16:29:42 GMT
For those who think she's too young to know, consider that straight children don't have the experience of realizing that how they feel it's different from how society expects them to feel, so the consciousness may not be as powerful. They aren't constantly being bombarded with imagery of something that feels off to them (images of straight couples, parents calling little Johnny and Susie 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'). We normalize straightness to children in so many ways that they don't have to 'know' it when they are straight, because it is the default. and sexuality has nothing to do with being a tomboy or feminine so please leave with that crap.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 4, 2019 16:30:50 GMT
While I understand what you’re saying, it isn’t the mom’s decision to make at this time and to spill the beans before her kid is ready for that would be a huge breech of trust. The DD is trying to figure all of this out for herself and she took a *huge* leap of faith just to tell her mom. Mom needs to not break that trust. If anything, I would talk to my kid privately about opening up to her dad too but I wouldn’t be the one to tell him unless she was okay with it first. I am not saying that mom should tell dad. Daughter should tell dad. Not telling dad really shouldn’t be an option after telling mom. The expectation that mom won’t say anything to dad is not modeling a healthy family in my opinion. Which is why I said if it was me, I would be encouraging my kid to open up to her dad too. I have a much closer relationship with my DD than she does with her dad and I could absolutely understand if my own kid came to me alone first with something like that. I would give her time to process, but all the while I would encourage her to bring her dad into her confidence as well, especially since I know he too would be supportive of her no matter what. I would be sitting on a different bench if it was something detrimental like drug or alcohol use, etc. that would require immediate attention, but this isn’t that. |
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Sept 4, 2019 16:37:03 GMT
After watching my daughter's friends deal with their parents, I would advise starting to ease your husband into the idea that she is growing up and kids her age and into middle school are thinking about dating boys or girls or people who identify in other ways and that there is a variety available to them that wasn't available to us. I mean technically it was, but we were never asked the question, "Do you like boys or girls?" Our kids are being asked that question, if not in real life, certainly by the internet and media. And I don't know that the previous poster is so wrong for using the term "decided" either for what happens at these very young ages, because I think there is a certain amount of pressure on the kids to make a declaration about sexual preferences at younger ages than they might be ready to do so otherwise.
Your DD trusts you, and that is a very good thing! I am sad to say that I know a number of high school aged kids who have never had this discussion with their parents, and I just don't think that should even be a concern in this day and age.
If I could go back to 5th or 6th or 7th grade, I would let DD know that she has her whole youth to date and experiment (in safe and respectful ways) and figure out what kind of person she wants in her life and that there is no reason to be defined by who you are attracted to. I think my DD very much felt in middle school that who she liked was her defining quality, while I saw and still see her nurturing nature and desire to take care of people as her most important quality. But - discovering your preferences is what dating in youth is about. My DD's preferences have shifted over the years, and I think she felt a little guilty or embarrassed when she was discovering that her preferences were a little more specific than she initially thought/told people.
Side note: this conversation brings up a whole different set of issues with sleepovers, hanging out with friends in private, etc. Think about your feelings before you are asked for a spur of the moment decision.
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Post by Jennifer C on Sept 4, 2019 16:58:15 GMT
I am so glad that she has you in her corner. Just let her be right now.
Jennifer
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Sept 4, 2019 16:59:42 GMT
I think you did really well, mama.
She obviously loves you and trusts you very much to tell you.
One thing I'd say though, there is zero need for her to censor herself, when it comes to telling her father, or her friends at school. That suggests that her identifying as lesbian is somehow something wrong.
Right now she needs to be taught that she is to give zero fucks about what others think of who she is, and who she loves.
If your husband or anyone else has a problem with it, it is most definitely their problem.
Also, I'll share with you some of my experience. I am bisexual. I have known that I liked both males and females since I was about six. I didn't have the vocabulary to label myself at the time. And when I was prepubescent, I wasn't liking people in quite a overtly sexual way, but by the time I hit puberty, I definitely was crushing on both sexes.
Also, perhaps you can show your dd the Kinsey Scale, to let her know that it is okay to fall anywhere on it.
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. At 11 though, I wasnt thinking about stuff like this at all. It may be something she's heard and copied and thinks right now it may be she's completely aware of her sexuality, who knows. Give it a little time. I think your reaction was perfect. 
