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Post by trixiecat on Sept 12, 2019 21:34:23 GMT
I have posted or talked about this before. My daughter had to go into the doctor's today for muscle tightness in her neck. She is 17. Soon to be 18. They give you a printout with all the information and recommendations, but also her weight is listed. She has gained probably 35 pounds in the past two years. Ten of those pounds have been gained since May. I am at a loss and extremely concerned. Her BMI is literally just below the point of her being considered obese. Up until puberty she was a small, thin girl. She played basketball from age 5 until the middle of 10th grade when she suffered a really bad concussion and quit. She isn't the greatest eater (doesn't like veggies other than salad and carrots). She doesn't eat breakfast (at least here at home) and I pack her lunch for her. Even if she would come home every day and eat some junk food (which she doesn't all the time), I just can't fathom this weight gain.
I did take her to a nutrionist at the recommendation of our pediatrician and that didn't go over well at all. We only went once. Obviously I can't control what she eats outside of the house. I tried talking to her about how concerned I am about her weight for health reasons and she just screams back that "this is why she doesn't like going to the doctor". She has a boyfriend who is slim and an athlete. I have ask her to walk with me and any mention of exercise from me is met with her knowing I would like for her to lose weight. She says she would rather go with a friend, but that rarely happens. I don't know whether to just give up and let her live her own life and if she becomes really obese, it is on her. I have even looked into whether there is something else going on like Cushing's or Polycystic Ovaries. She is adopted and her birthmother is really large. So genetics is against her as well. I don't want her to be a stick. I just want her to be healthy. She tends to lay in her bed alot when she is not in school and not working.
I would welcome any advice. I have thought about planning outings to go to NYC (we are in driving distance) or maybe to a park to see waterfalls. But she works every weekend and she would need a day off. Tonight she wants to go to the mall and I am thinking we will park at the far end and need to walk the whole distance of the mall and back. I am very active and I think she resents that as well.
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Post by trixiecat on Sept 12, 2019 21:34:50 GMT
Oh and if you are wondering...she is 5'4" and weights 171.
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 12, 2019 21:47:36 GMT
Other than modeling good eating and exercise habits, there really isn't anything you can do. It sounds like she sees any attempt to get her moving as a judgement on her size, so I would back off. Ten pounds in four months isn't that hard if you are inactive and eating/drinking high calorie foods. With 3500 calories/pound it is less than an extra 300 calories per day to put on 10 pounds in four months. That's less than an order of fries or a Starbucks drink per day. ETA Good eating habits include meals at the table and no eating in front of the TV.
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Post by trixiecat on Sept 12, 2019 22:00:37 GMT
We have never eaten in front of the tv and eat dinner together as a family as much as possible. We never seem to be all together due to my kid's work schedules or my husband traveling. So that isn't really the issue. I cook 6 days of the week and making it healthy the majority of the time. Tonight is grilled chicken, brocalli, sliced strawberries and cut up potatos with a little olive oil in the oven. She does love the coffee in the morning and that could easily be the 300 calories. Ugh. You are completely correct in your assessment. But what is crazy is all summer I didn't say a word to her about anything. I guess she has to own this herself.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Sept 12, 2019 22:09:36 GMT
is she depressed? how is her mental health? Sounds like things changed drastically for her after the concussion. How did she handle that, and how is she now? (I seem to remember another Pea who had a lot of mental changes after her concussion, and they lasted for MONTHS.)
I know for ME, the reason I eat the things I do is so that I get the dopamine rush from the sugar / fats. When my depression is more under control, my eating is (more) under control, and vice versa.
And yeah, any change that she makes is going to have to be because SHE wants to, not because you're telling / suggesting her to do it. I'm 50, and my mom still makes comments about my weight. And I still resent it. And I still do the opposite-- because I don't want her telling me what to do.
ETA: I had one doctor tell me-- when I asked about things I could do for my weight: "just don't eat anything larger than can fit in your hand." Which is a CROCK of SHIT, because hey, Twinkies and doughnuts fit in my hand; just sayin'. (FYI, I switched doctors after that.)
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sweetpeasmom
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Sept 12, 2019 22:14:07 GMT
The 10 lbs gained since May might be of concern. But I’m 5’3.5 and I weigh 172. I wouldn’t consider myself obese by any stretch. Do I want/need to loose weight, yes. But I wouldn’t say I’m obese.
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Post by mikewozowski on Sept 12, 2019 22:17:12 GMT
^ you might not but your doctor might.
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 12, 2019 22:22:40 GMT
is she depressed? how is her mental health? Sounds like things changed drastically for her after the concussion. How did she handle that, and how is she now? (I seem to remember another Pea who had a lot of mental changes after her concussion, and they lasted for MONTHS.) I know for ME, the reason I eat the things I do is so that I get the dopamine rush from the sugar / fats. When my depression is more under control, my eating is (more) under control, and vice versa. And yeah, any change that she makes is going to have to be because SHE wants to, not because you're telling / suggesting her to do it. I'm 50, and my mom still makes comments about my weight. And I still resent it. And I still do the opposite-- because I don't want her telling me what to do. ETA: I had one doctor tell me-- when I asked about things I could do for my weight: "just don't eat anything larger than can fit in your hand." Which is a CROCK of SHIT, because hey, Twinkies and doughnuts fit in my hand; just sayin'. (FYI, I switched doctors after that.)I can fit a half dozen cookies in my hand but not a salad! trixiecat, it is hard, but your DD knows exactly where she is with her weight and needs to feel unconditional love with no judgement. The best you can do is continue to role model healthy eating and an active lifestyle.
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scrapngranny
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Post by scrapngranny on Sept 12, 2019 22:30:12 GMT
Have only healthy foods, snacks and beverages in the house. That is the only control you have. What she eats outside the home is out of your hands.
You can’t lose weight for her. She has to want it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2019 22:32:14 GMT
This is so very true. However, with gaining that much weight in such a short amount of time not knowing her family history. I would suggest a functional medicine practice would be the place the start and request a full physical including hormone and thyroid panels to rule anything out.
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Post by AussieMeg on Sept 12, 2019 22:32:56 GMT
I’m 5’3.5 and I weigh 172. I wouldn’t consider myself obese by any stretch. Do I want/need to loose weight, yes. But I wouldn’t say I’m obese. ^ you might not but your doctor might. Exactly. I don't think I look like I'm obese, but according to the BMI chart, I most certainly am.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 12, 2019 22:36:28 GMT
I agree with @crimsoncat and bc2ca. Depression could be a factor here. It certainly is for me, as well. And what's worse is I feel like it is even worse for my mental health when I'm overweight. It's tough to break that cycle. The way she bristling at you makes me support what bc2ca said. She needs to feel unconditional love from you and she doesn't right now. She knows you want her to change. Rolemodeling and grocery control should be your focus.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Sept 12, 2019 22:38:00 GMT
The best you can do is continue to role model healthy eating and an active lifestyle. ^^^ yeah. No singling her out for what she eats / doesn't eat-- if the entire family gets only healthy food, it's not just her eating different because she's 'fat'. And no 'hey, let's go for a walk' out of the blue, if you never go for walks yourself ordinarily. And someone who has issues with their weight (waves hand) may TAKE things the wrong way when they're said, even if you don't mean it that way. If she doesn't like her weight, she's already saying that kind of stuff to herself in her head, and beating herself up about it. Which can lead to a vicious cycle, if the eating is for emotional reasons. ETA: <ditto> to what jeremysgirl said. ETA2: those BMI charts don't take into account the different body types- It might not be the case for your daughter, but a bodybuilder and a 'regular' person could both be in the obese range as far as their WEIGHT goes, but no one would ever accuse the bodybuilder of being overweight. They're just built differently.
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Post by flanz on Sept 12, 2019 22:43:30 GMT
I’m 5’3.5 and I weigh 172. I wouldn’t consider myself obese by any stretch. Do I want/need to loose weight, yes. But I wouldn’t say I’m obese. ^ you might not but your doctor might. Exactly. I don't think I look like I'm obese, but according to the BMI chart, I most certainly am. Same. I have gained 55 lbs in the past 17 years. At 41 I weighed 117 (5 lbs. over wedding day weight at age 23). Then my metabolism slowed to a crawl and I'm now 58 yo and weigh 174. I need to lose weight, but I don't feel obese either. I want to be HEALTHY and feel better in my clothes! Oh, I'm 5'4" too.
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Post by librarylady on Sept 12, 2019 22:45:26 GMT
She knows what she weighs. She knows she has gained weight. *IF* she is concerned she will do something about it. Your physician has ruled out "a medical problem." So, now you rule out an emotional problem with her weight.
Keep providing the kind of snacks and food you always have.
Meanwhile, think about this: How will your life be different if she becomes thin? Will it make a difference in your love, your approval and your enjoyment of your DD?
I really think you are projecting negativity to your DD and she can feel it. You need to accept that you have a plump daughter, but so what? I've been plump all my adult life. My doctors think my health is OK, so I have decided not to worry any more. I'm 73 and I guess I'll be plump when I am buried. .........and so it goes....
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Post by marysue63 on Sept 12, 2019 22:52:32 GMT
I struggle with my daughter too about her weight but she's also concerned about it so we are able to talk about it. I just remember when i was her age how much my mom bugged me about my weight and how awful it made me feel. I told myself I would never put my daughter through that, and I haven't. She asks questions and i do my best to answer them honestly. I think the hardest thing for me is that she sees herself as fat and unlovable, just like I used to. And I know (hope?) that as she matures she'll realize that she's not her weight and that it doesn't define her. It took me a long time to get there, no thanks to my mom, so I'm trying to make it easier for my daughter to reach that same conclusion.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Sept 12, 2019 22:55:00 GMT
one more thing- unless the doctor's office used a 'smart' scale, then the weight on the scale is just a number- you don't know what that number MEANS. I am in a weight loss plan at a weight loss clinic and they used an analyzer to measure my water, fat %, skeletal weight, etc. So when I get weighed regularly, we KNOW what portion of any gain/loss is fat, and what's not.
Case in point: I went back for my first weigh-in after 3 months off (and by off, I mean TOTALLY off plan). The number on the scale was 12 lbs higher. But only 6 lbs of that was fat-- the rest was water weight and whatever was in my digestive system when I got weighed.
Other factors that can influence the # on the scale: what time of day it is, where she is in her menstrual cycle, and what you wear when you're getting weighed. I try to wear a very similar outfit every time, I'm in menopause so hormonal shifts don't affect me, and I always get weighed about the same time of day.
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Post by Merge on Sept 12, 2019 22:56:47 GMT
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Montannie
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Post by Montannie on Sept 12, 2019 22:59:15 GMT
Does she drink a lot of soda? That could be part of the issue.
And I agree with those who think you need to back off, and just model good eating and exercise behaviors. Talking about it does not help anyone lose weight.
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Post by scrapsotime on Sept 12, 2019 23:00:34 GMT
My daughter started gaining weight at about that age. Turns out she has PCOS. She still struggles with her weight.
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Post by elaine on Sept 12, 2019 23:08:10 GMT
She knows she is overweight. She knows she needs to exercise more. Any motivation to change that has to come from her. I agree with crimsoncat05. My mother has always commented on my weight even when I was 115 pounds and 5’8” when my Graves Disease was undiagnosed. People were lecturing me about eating disorders and my mom still thought I was heavy... My Dh, ds2, and I are normal weight. My oldest son (19 y.o.) is obese. I struggle with that, but know that my trying to tell him about what he needs to do will just push him away. He knows what he needs to do in terms of eating and exercising- we have seen a nutritionist several times - and he chooses not to. I have to let it go because it is a battle I cannot fight or win. We eat a LOT of veggies and I try to have the ones he will eat several times per week. So, for instance, he likes Indian Spinach (Trader Joe’s has it in the frozen food section) and he had 2 servings of that with dinner tonight. He also will eat dehydrated apple rings - especially when made of apples we picked - so I have been making batches of them the past few weeks. Maybe take her fruit or veggie picking at a local u-pick farm - it is good exercise and I’ve found my boys are more likely to eat it if they picked it.
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Post by peasapie on Sept 12, 2019 23:19:05 GMT
My daughter also started gaining at that age. She was eating a lot of junk food, especially candy.
There is really nothing you can do, and talking about it will turn it into a bigger issue. The worst thing is for a teen to feel deprived or that someone is watching what they eat, so tread softly.
One thing that helped my daughter was learning she could eat anything she wanted, but she needed to control the portions. Eventually she will figure it out, even if it is a couple of years from now
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Post by femalebusiness on Sept 13, 2019 0:42:57 GMT
Leave her alone. It's her body and she will lose weight if and when she wants to. You can not do it for her.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2019 0:45:36 GMT
I have posted or talked about this before. My daughter had to go into the doctor's today for muscle tightness in her neck. She is 17. Soon to be 18. They give you a printout with all the information and recommendations, but also her weight is listed. She has gained probably 35 pounds in the past two years. Ten of those pounds have been gained since May. I am at a loss and extremely concerned. Her BMI is literally just below the point of her being considered obese. Up until puberty she was a small, thin girl. She played basketball from age 5 until the middle of 10th grade when she suffered a really bad concussion and quit. She isn't the greatest eater (doesn't like veggies other than salad and carrots). She doesn't eat breakfast (at least here at home) and I pack her lunch for her. Even if she would come home every day and eat some junk food (which she doesn't all the time), I just can't fathom this weight gain. I did take her to a nutrionist at the recommendation of our pediatrician and that didn't go over well at all. We only went once. Obviously I can't control what she eats outside of the house. I tried talking to her about how concerned I am about her weight for health reasons and she just screams back that "this is why she doesn't like going to the doctor". She has a boyfriend who is slim and an athlete. I have ask her to walk with me and any mention of exercise from me is met with her knowing I would like for her to lose weight. She says she would rather go with a friend, but that rarely happens. I don't know whether to just give up and let her live her own life and if she becomes really obese, it is on her. I have even looked into whether there is something else going on like Cushing's or Polycystic Ovaries. She is adopted and her birthmother is really large. So genetics is against her as well. I don't want her to be a stick. I just want her to be healthy. She tends to lay in her bed alot when she is not in school and not working. I would welcome any advice. I have thought about planning outings to go to NYC (we are in driving distance) or maybe to a park to see waterfalls. But she works every weekend and she would need a day off. Tonight she wants to go to the mall and I am thinking we will park at the far end and need to walk the whole distance of the mall and back. I am very active and I think she resents that as well. Can you get her in to see an endocrinologist? My thyroid has been on the low end of normal my entire adult life and I've gained steadily as an adult. About 10 years ago I was diagnosed as hypothyroid and started meds to get me back in the "normal" range but I was still at the lower end. Two years ago my psychiatrist (new one to me) noted it was on the low end. He asked my gp to up my thyroid meds to where I hit middle of the range. I dropped 15 pounds without doing anything other than a change in that one med. If left up to my family practice doc I'd still be at the low end of normal and not have lost that weight.
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mlana
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Post by mlana on Sept 13, 2019 0:54:29 GMT
My daughter started gaining weight at about that age. Turns out she has PCOS. She still struggles with her weight. My DD was diagnosed with this in March. Her dr put her on Metformin and suggested DD research how best to eat for someone who is probably insulin resistant. DD did and, with the exception of when she had surgery and I did her cooking, has stuck to the plan very closely. She’s down almost 40 lbs. Best of all, she’s stopped blaming herself for being overweight. She’s acknowledged that she’s overweight and she needs to make a change, but she’s not so angry with herself over it. Marcy
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Post by ~summer~ on Sept 13, 2019 0:55:56 GMT
Role model getting exercise every day and don’t keep chips, cookies, soda, ice cream etc in the House.
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used2scrap
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Post by used2scrap on Sept 13, 2019 1:27:52 GMT
Honestly you need to stop with the “I can control what she eats at home” mind set too. No you can’t. You can provide healthy choices, but you can’t control what she actually does or doesn’t consume. Yes model healthy choices, but without making them a huge production. She knows she’s gained weight, she knows you disapprove. If you’re (I’m her mind) in work out gear 24/7 prepping “healthy” meals in her face, it’s just making things worse. If you have a dog, put her in charge of walking it a few times a week, otherwise stop asking her to walk with you. She knows you’re after her about her weight.
As a life long eating disorder struggler, my advice? Stop making food an issue at all. Let her pick/ prepare meals a night or 2 a week. If you NEVER eat in front of the tv, start a dinner and movie night. Take away the angst and stress over food. Protein, starch, veggies, move on. Don’t banish every unhealthy treat, have one or 2 available. The harder you fight for control of this, the worse it will get.
Hang in there mom, I know you want what’s healthiest for your daughter. But even if it gets her skinnier, a lifelong struggle with food isn’t healthiest in the long run.
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Post by kristi on Sept 13, 2019 1:29:19 GMT
As a mom of a teenage daughter who has teenage friends - they come in all shapes & sizes. I understand your concern but this is such a hard time for girls with looks/self esteem/stress. I would let it go. All of it.
The thought that you are planning on walking the length of the parking lot at the mall so she gets exercise is a bit much.
She knows what she weighs. She knows you think it is unhealthy. Cook healthy dinners, have healthy snacks, offer active trips but don't be upset if she chooses to not eat/do those things. My daughter would rather do anything but walk with me. At this point I think you need to focus on loving her regardless of her size (I am sure you do but I am not sure she is getting that message).
I think you need to come to terms that she might be large like her birth mom and accept her for that. If and when she is ready to make changes, she will.
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Post by jackietex on Sept 13, 2019 1:49:01 GMT
I know it's difficult, but don't say anything or agree with anything she might say negatively about herself. BUT, if she asks for help with cooking or a partner to exercise, give it to her (but don't look too happy, remember to use kid gloves).
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Sept 13, 2019 2:00:25 GMT
He also will eat dehydrated apple rings - especially when made of apples we picked - so I have been making batches of them the past few weeks. Maybe take her fruit or veggie picking at a local u-pick farm - it is good exercise and I’ve found my boys are more likely to eat it if they picked it. Great idea as well as vvvv Let her pick/ prepare meals a night or 2 a week. Start out with one meal/dinner a week...
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