What the hell is wrong with you....

It really makes my heart hurt to know that there are people living this life and enduring this kind of abuse, who have no other options. Delila, I really hope you can find another option. This is not normal, and you deserve better.

When he says "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Answer: I have seizures and have had 3 brain surgeries, what is your excuse?

I'm really sorry that your dh is such an awful person and that you feel so stuck. I've had people say some horrible things to me. "If I had to live your life I'd kill myself. Why is your body so lousy?". When I hear that I reply harshly and then cut that person out of my universe. It's hard enough being so ill and we don't need abuse, to boot. Please consider a neutral therapist and a good divorce lawyer. Neither of your therapists should counsel you as a couple.

Please don't feel stuck, because you are not. However, you do need great legal advice and an exit plan. Also, please know that you are worth so much more than abuse. It's OK to know that your dh is a douchebag and you deserve kindness and empathy. That's step one. Step two is setting up those appointments and finding out how to get unstuck. I wish you the very best and I wish you freedom from the abuse. You are valuable and worthwhile.

You can draw your disability social security from his or yours, who ever has paid the most. You can start the process online today. 

2 more things....

I work with a guy who was married for 20 years. His ex wife never held a job or went to school. He's now supporting her financially for the next 10 years. Kids grown, married etc....

You know the saying, you can change yourself and your reactions, but you can't make someone else change. He's abusive because he can be.

He knows he can do and say anything to you because you can't leave.

Just think of the look of shock as you walk away! You deserve more than he will ever be able to offer.

First of all my heart reaches out to you knowing you are suffering like this. I was in an abusive marriage many years ago and I understand how hard it is to leave when you are there smack dab in the middle of it. But you can do this. 

You wanted to know if the things you H says are abusive. Yes, they most certainly are!  And I bet you didn't know this-verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse for the most part. Why? Bruises heal but the damage done to the abused woman's (it happens to both sexes but for this writing I'm using women) emotional health take much longer to heal. Year after year, after year of this and eventually the woman's self esteem is worn down and as the years go by it becomes more and more difficult to leave. 

I stayed with my abusive-ex and even went through marriage-counceling with him. It didn't help at all. I believe it's because abusive partners don't think they are doing anything wrong, and nothing can convince them they are so why should they change. The problem obviously lies with their abused partner-if she would just do this, this and this differently I wouldn't have to yell, scream, put her down so much, hit her etc. I finally did leave when I found out he'd been cheating on me and it was so strange. As my sister drove me away from the house my mind got more and more clear like I was coming out from being brain washed. The county I was living in at the time offered free therapy with a therapist trained in treating domestic violence victims. It's the best thing I could have done going to that therapist. She taught me all about why it happened and how to keep it from happening in the future. 

My advice to you is to drop any combined therapy with your H. And also I think it would really help if you could find a therapist who has experience treating domestic violence victims. The national hotline number is this: thehotline.og or you can call 1-800-799-7233. Domestic Violence includes verbal abuse. The reason I think they would be helpful to you is that they might be able to help you find resources locally like therapists, and even lawyers.

I wish you the very best. No one should have to live with that kind of abuse. 

And it's so much harder to stand up to the abuse and stand up for yourself when you're compromised in some way. I'm living with a brain injury too and just carrying out basic mental and physical tasks drains all my energy. Anything on top of that is exhausting.

For those saying she needs to strap up and fight her way out, it's not that easy. There is NO WAY a person with a brain injury can manage that kind of task alone. Life without any difficulties is draining. Stressful situations are exhausting. Traumatic events are debilitating. There is no "reach inside yourself and find the strength to do it". There is quite simply nothing there to draw from. Add in things like executive function issues, memory problems, and difficulty taking in and "sorting" information, and it is an insurmountable task.

That is why people in this situation are so vulnerable to abuse and exploitation. And it is a problem. In my stroke survivor support group (and that is only one group for one type of brain injury) there is a shocking amount of people who are in toxic situations where they are being abused or mistreated in some way by the people they depend on for support and care.

I have had family and acquaintances verbally abuse me after my stroke, but none of them were people I depended on so I could cut them out of my life without any real consequences.

If she decides to leave, she will need an advocate, caseworker, or other professional to manage the process for her. There is no way that a person with a brain injury can do this for themselves. Just handling all the steps correctly is too much. Trying to do it while under the control of an abuser, who doesn't have the limitations of a brain injury, is a recipe for failure.

My suggestion is to talk to your most trusted and compassionate doctor, tell them you are in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and you need help figuring out your options. You need an advocate to help you with this. I don't know what resources are available in your area or how they determine if you qualify for them. But there has to be something for people in vulnerable populations. And don't be afraid or ashamed to make it known that you ARE in a vulnerable population.

You're not alone, unfortunately. But other people are finding ways out. There are options, but you will need help with the process.

You're right, you have a choice. Make that choice wisely with your next 35 years in mind. What do you want for your future?! Don't let anything get in your way. I'm so glad you have a Dr. and friends you can lean on...and you have the Peas, so please keep us posted so we can keep supporting and encouraging you.

      You can do it! You are so worth it! We are here for you anytime you need us. I'm up late every night and if you ever want to PM me I'll be happy to talk to you. I'm so very sorry for your brain injury. Accept that it's going to make this harder, but you've got friends, a doctor who understands, us to talk to and a hotline to call or connect with online with experts to take you step by step through the process. With all of this help, you can do this. You are so worth it. And your life after this-it's going to be so much happier!  

You can either leave him or continue to just let him be a prick. You decide.

Because it is nearly impossible to be ‘normal’ While being verbally & mentally abused. Abusers isolate you, tear you down so you doubt yourself constantly, gaslight you to the point where you have no idea what’s true. But since there are no visible bruises or scars everyone expects you to be fine. But your not, you can’t be.

Your always on eggshells, your always on edge, what will set the abuser off. Can you just get thru this day, this hour, this minute. Your brain is always running, whirring, on guard trying to not say/do what sets the abuser off but that doesn’t work either, believe me, even if your perfect they’ll still go off eventually. Then after being on high alert constantly you finally break.

I guess there’s that possibility too.