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Post by merry27 on Oct 7, 2019 1:25:27 GMT
And has smoked pot, what would you do? I feel like a failure as a parent today. We know she snuck out. My DH and I had a calm conversation with her today and she really opened up to us. Admitted that she went to a party and admitted she smoked pot. Also admitted that she has drank before. I am shocked and can’t believe she has done any of these things. DH told me not to overreact because she was being so open with us and that was important to keep an open dialogue. She is a good kid and so are her friends. I know a lot of this is normal teen stuff. I never did anything as a teen (too scared of my parents) but DH did. She obviously needs to be punished and work to earn back our trust. DH thinks if we are too hard on her that she won’t open up to us in the future. I think we need to be hard on her to let her know that her behavior is not acceptable. Looking for advice or hugs.
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Post by annaintx on Oct 7, 2019 1:31:08 GMT
You get hugs from me. My DD is 10, so I hope I have a little while yet before I have to deal with this. I would agree with your husband that it's great she opened up and maybe she should be punished for sneaking out? I don't know. Good luck.
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Post by peasapie on Oct 7, 2019 1:36:49 GMT
Your husband is right. Don’t overreact. I did all of that by 16 and would never have admitted it to either of my parents. Tell her you’re glad she was honest, ask her why she did it and explain why you don’t want her to do that.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 7, 2019 1:38:46 GMT
You can ground her, but I wouldn't call it a parenting fail. I did all of that multiple times except sneak out of my house because it was small and my room was right next to my parents, so I snuck out of friends' houses instead.
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Post by lucyg on Oct 7, 2019 1:39:27 GMT
Your husband is right. Don’t overreact. I did all of that by 16 and would never have admitted it to either of my parents. Tell her you’re glad she was honest, ask her why she did it and explain why you don’t want her to do that. Yeah, what she said. My feeling is, if she’s talking to you, things are okay. We did all that and worse when I was 16. meh |
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
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Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Oct 7, 2019 1:41:56 GMT
Busted for sneaking out and a talking to about the rest.
I would turn on the home alarm to prevent future sneak outs. Restriction from friends for the safety issue of not knowing where she was if there were an emergency at home or something happened to her when she was out without your knowledge.
Let her know you’re disappointed in her choices.
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Post by ~summer~ on Oct 7, 2019 1:43:27 GMT
She admitted it and honestly I wouldn’t ask “why” she did it (I mean what kind of answer would one expect) - I would just tell her not to do it again and move on.
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Post by myshelly on Oct 7, 2019 1:46:15 GMT
Your husband is totally right. If she’s talking to you then things are ok. Don’t push it or strain it.
I always tell my kids - if something happens, if they get in trouble or need help, I want their first thought to be “I need my mom,” not “oh shit, I can’t let my mom find out!”
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Why
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,168 
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Post by Why on Oct 7, 2019 1:47:08 GMT
"I think we need to be hard on her to let her know that her behavior is not acceptable"She already knows that. Your DH is right. I think punishment is just going to make her shut down and get better at sneaking around. At least that is how I reacted way back when. My mother said "I better not catch you doing that again" and I made sure she didn't (catch me  )
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Post by roberta on Oct 7, 2019 1:47:35 GMT
It sounds fairly normal to me also.
Both agree and disagree with dh. She is showing trust in you with her honesty yet there still needs to be consequences. This is a toughie. I was punished just as severely when I told the truth so I learned to lie, lie, lie!!
Consider asking her what she thinks an appropriate punishment/consequence would be and go from there.
A friend grounded her dd for a month when the dd got caught sneaking out. No after school clubs or anything. I thought that was too much but that’s my opinion.
Good luck and I hope your dd continues to be open with you.
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Post by stingfan on Oct 7, 2019 1:49:24 GMT
We had a similar situation when we found out our 16yo daughter had been vaping. And we found out her cousin bought it for her.  I was really glad she was honest with us - at least I hope she was. We talked about the health aspects of it mostly. We also talked about peer pressure, insecurities, and plain old curiosity. I never would have opened up that much with my parents like that, so I'm happy we were able to have the conversation. Since then, I've cracked down on which friends I let her hang out with outside of school. I just hope she's being honest about where she is and who she's with. We can only do so much. And I don't want her to feel like she has to hide things from us. |
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Oct 7, 2019 1:52:45 GMT
I don’t think you need to let her off scott free but she is opening up to you and that is so, so important that you don’t want to risk severing those lines of communication. Definitely discussions about why those things are dangerous (sneaking out....what if there was a fire, you’d risk your life to save her and she wasn’t even home, etc). There’s some broken trust, especially the sneaking out part that would need to be rebuilt but barring anything more significant I’d be semi quick to forgive that.
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kelly8875
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Post by kelly8875 on Oct 7, 2019 1:52:49 GMT
The fact that she is talking is good. Keep the communication open, make sure she knows the disappointment you feel. Grounding her would be fine, but be honest with yourself that she can still make poor choices even while grounded or with tighter curfews.
When she complains that she’s grounded, just look at her and say “well, you shouldn’t have snuck out and been dumb”. That’s what I did when my DD got in trouble at 14. She didn’t do the same thing, but equally as “bad”, but when she started complaining about a grounding our tighter rules for a while, I just bluntly reminded her she was the stupid one who did wrong.
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Post by mom on Oct 7, 2019 1:53:59 GMT
Your husband is right. Don’t overreact. I did all of that by 16 and would never have admitted it to either of my parents. Tell her you’re glad she was honest, ask her why she did it and explain why you don’t want her to do that. Absolutely this. Keep everything in perspective. The only case I would lose my $hit over is if she smoked pot (or drank) and then drove. But otherwise, use this as a chance to talk with her and show that you can be trusted not to freak out. |
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Post by merry27 on Oct 7, 2019 2:14:13 GMT
Thank you so much for your responses. I really appreciate them. It is reassuring to hear that it is good she opened up to us. I want her to always feel like she can come to us and I’m glad we had such a good conversation. I guess it’s hard to process because I just learned about 3 different things in one day. Ugh. Parenting is hard
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Post by mustlovecats on Oct 7, 2019 2:29:00 GMT
Sneaking out is really dangerous in my opinion.
I’m more in the camp of, go to parties, take a buddy, make sure someone knows where you are and be safe. But don’t sneak. You sneak out and get abducted, get hurt, no one knew where you were going and no one is coming to help you. You go to a party and it gets out of hand, you text me and I’m on my way to get you.
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Oct 7, 2019 2:31:00 GMT
Ask her why she thinks any of those things are bad ideas. Sneaking out, drinking, smoking pot. I can think of a dozen reasons those are poor choices and I'm sure she can too. Make her think through them and what the real life consequences might be for any of them. That's what we really want to keep our kids from, right? Any of those things he can have some pretty dangerous (sneaking out and drinking) or unpleasant (drinking and smoking pot are illegal at 16) consequences.
Ask her what she thinks would be a good follow up to your conversation on her end.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Oct 7, 2019 2:33:05 GMT
Your husband is right. Don’t overreact. I did all of that by 16 and would never have admitted it to either of my parents. Tell her you’re glad she was honest, ask her why she did it and explain why you don’t want her to do that. Agreed! Definitely discussions about why those things are dangerous (sneaking out....what if there was a fire, you’d risk your life to save her and she wasn’t even home, etc). There’s some broken trust, especially the sneaking out part that would need to be rebuilt but barring anything more significant I’d be semi quick to forgive that. Discussion is good... Responsibility is paramount! Ask her what she thinks is a good punishment.. She will probably be harsh on herself. You can do this mom! |
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Post by AussieMeg on Oct 7, 2019 2:54:00 GMT
I don't envy your position. When my kids did similar things they had both tried to hide it and got caught out. This made it a lot easier to hand out punishment because they'd lied as well as drank / smoked pot. I agree with your husband and others that you need to give her credit for being honest with you, and you don't want to run the risk of her still doing it but being sneaky about it. BTW, you're not a failure. If that was the case, then I'm a failure too, as well as every parent of every one of my friends from the 80s!! We all did that shit, and our parents were certainly not failures. ETA: I am pleasantly surprised that just about everyone on this thread agrees with your DH. I have found that a lot of (most?) Peas are a lot stricter than I am. I was expecting to read a lot of "that wouldn't fly in my house" or "my kid would be grounded with no phone/TV/iPad/bedroom door for a year" type of responses.  |
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 7, 2019 2:57:47 GMT
Your husband is right. Don’t overreact. I did all of that by 16 and would never have admitted it to either of my parents. Tell her you’re glad she was honest, ask her why she did it and explain why you don’t want her to do that. Absolutely this. Keep everything in perspective. The only case I would lose my $hit over is if she smoked pot (or drank) and then drove. But otherwise, use this as a chance to talk with her and show that you can be trusted not to freak out.  FWIW, there is no way I see this as a parenting fail. When we were at this stage, we did turn it back on the kids with "what do you think we should do?" and had some pretty honest conversations about trust and responsibility. Conversations, not lectures.  |
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luckyjune
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luckyjune on Oct 7, 2019 3:07:51 GMT
Our kids' choices don't define us.
Just keep talking with her...
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Oct 7, 2019 3:15:59 GMT
I wouldn’t give her a punishment, but consequences. I’d ask her what she’d think is appropriate consequences, and go with that if it’s reasonable. That may be something as simple as agreeing to tracking apps on her phone for awhile and less trust, etc.
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Post by mom on Oct 7, 2019 3:18:10 GMT
Our kids' choices don't define us. Just keep talking with her... That’s a very good point. It’s hard not to own our kids mess ups but try not to. Them messing up is part of them growing. |
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Post by nlwilkins on Oct 7, 2019 3:41:40 GMT
To me a natural consequence that would not be too hard on her would be bed checks. Since you can't trust her to be in her bed when you think she is, then she has to put up with your checking on her at night. Have her leave the door open a crack and shine a flashlight in there before going to bed to make sure she is there. If you get up for bathroom trips during the night check again. Keep the conversation open and don't make it about punishment, but about trust and safety.
A word of warning though - my daughter would come in late, then have to confess everything and anything she did that was wrong and then feeling better about it would go to bed and sleep the sleep of the innocent. It was like she would be getting absolution. I finally had to make her wait to talk to me until morning and make her stew over it all night. She hated that and I hope it caused her to think twice before doing anything she should not have done. I'll have to ask her about that next time we talk (she is 47 now so would tell me the truth)
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Post by vjlau on Oct 7, 2019 4:22:32 GMT
Ugh, ((hugs)). That's hard to hear! But, normal for teens I think on all counts.
I would add, as I think someone else mentioned, that the most important thing she might take away from this is that she can tell you, and you won't overreact.
Obviously some sort of consequence seems fair, but I tell my son that he can call me anytime, anywhere day or night and I will come get him. I don't ever want him feeling like he can't tell me or ask. Use this as a situation to ask how she got home, and what the consequence could have been to her life, or someone else's. Trust is key with the teens!
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scrapngranny
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Only slightly senile
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Post by scrapngranny on Oct 7, 2019 4:39:40 GMT
HUGS. I agree with others not to over react. Since she is being open with you, I would suggest asking her what consequence for her does she feel would be fair for what she she has done. I would try and avoid the word punishment and call it a consequence. Ask her what she has learned from this experience. As long as she is owning what she’s done and doesn’t an attitude, I would be less harsh.
It is normal teen behavior. She needs to know her safety is your goal. My DS’s senior year of high school was the longest year of my life. Now his daughter is turning 13 and he completely understands how normal teen stuff feels from the parent’s side.
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Post by roberta on Oct 7, 2019 5:27:01 GMT
Ask her why she thinks any of those things are bad ideas. Sneaking out, drinking, smoking pot. I can think of a dozen reasons those are poor choices and I'm sure she can too. Make her think through them and what the real life consequences might be for any of them. That's what we really want to keep our kids from, right? Any of those things he can have some pretty dangerous (sneaking out and drinking) or unpleasant (drinking and smoking pot are illegal at 16) consequences. Ask her what she thinks would be a good follow up to your conversation on her end. This sounds really productive to me. Have HER think through the negative aspects of what she did |
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Post by idahopea on Oct 7, 2019 6:14:12 GMT
I agree that this is pretty normal teen stuff. Remember that in less than 2 years she could be living on her own in a dorm or apartment without any of your rules. I would have conversations with her discussing the safety stuff (mentioned by several others above) you are concerned about and have her tell you what could have gone wrong and how to handle things in the future. You want her to be in the habit of telling someone where she's going, taking a friend with her to a party, thinking about consequences, etc once she's on her own. It is also common courtesy and a safety thing to let others you are living with know when you won't be home. Now's the time to start practicing those things. I would not condone any illegal activities but practice the others and let her know you will be checking her whereabouts until she has shown you she knows them and can be trusted.
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Post by gar on Oct 7, 2019 7:34:49 GMT
ETA: I am pleasantly surprised that just about everyone on this thread agrees with your DH. I have found that a lot of (most?) Peas are a lot stricter than I am. I was expecting to read a lot of "that wouldn't fly in my house" or "my kid would be grounded with no phone/TV/iPad/bedroom door for a year" type of responses. I almost didn't open the thread for that reason I agree with the majority though. By not overreacting you may take the desire and excitement out of the experience a little. |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Oct 7, 2019 9:53:38 GMT
She's two years from being an adult. It's very difficult to punish the behavior away.
At 16 yrs, I'm more about teaching safety. Explaining why it is important that you know where she is so that you know where to get her if she has an emergency.
Teaching her to choose carefully who she drinks with, to never just leave her drink sitting without her eyes on it, how to recognize the symptoms of being given the date rape drug.
She needs to know to have a girlfriend with her that she can trust to help her get out of a dangerous situation. And she needs to know she can call you at any time, in any state of inebriation, to come bring her to safety.
She also needs to know the facts about pot use. She needs to know that it can be laced. She needs to know what to normally expect when using it. Also possible side effects.
At this age, it is all about knowledge and learning to protect herself.
In two years, there will be no punishing behaviors away. But you also don't want her to party hard and not know how to regulate herself and protect herself.
(((Hugs))) mom.
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)
FWIW, there is no way I see this as a parenting fail. When we were at this stage, we did turn it back on the kids with "what do you think we should do?" and had some pretty honest conversations about trust and responsibility. Conversations, not lectures. 
