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Oct 6, 2024 11:29:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2019 10:13:46 GMT
Teen parenting is when when my husband and I had to shift from "boundary/rule setting" to "coaching/making good choices". You can't be there to make choices for her when she is with friends whether she has your approval to be with them or not. I agree with your husband to take things easy. If you come down hard on her you run the risk of driving her right into the undesired behavior and loose the opportunity to be close and have open lines of communication. Like a previous poster said if you don't react you have taken the curiosity and appeal out of it.
If you do stress anything stress that her choices along these lines can have negative consequences - driving under the influence resulting in jail or killing someone, bad choices being under the influence like unprotected sex that can lead to everlasting diseases, etc. These are the irreversible results of bad choices that no one can fix that she needs to have a good grasp of.
You are not a failure as a parent. As much as we want to tell our children what to do and what not to do in order to keep them safe they are going to make their own choices and take their own actions. The only thing we as parents can do at this stage is give them the space to practice making sound decisions and not crucify them when they make a mistake because they are going to make mistakes. Do you want to be the soft place to land or the brick wall that repels them away? Your DD is talking to you both about it and telling you what she has done which means she is trusting you greatly with her vulnerability. As an adult this is not an easy thing to do. As a teen its even harder. Try to shift your perspective a bit, let loose of the reins, and see where the extra bit of runway takes your relationship with your daughter. As bad as it may seem you are in a very good position.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Oct 7, 2019 11:32:16 GMT
I agree with others - it's the sneaking out that would terrify me more than the drinking or smoking pot. We'd be having a serious discussion about the sneaking out and my child would be grounded for that, but we'd discuss what she also thinks is an appropriate punishment and work from there.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 11:29:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2019 12:09:26 GMT
Teen parenting is when when my husband and I had to shift from "boundary/rule setting" to "coaching/making good choices". You can't be there to make choices for her when she is with friends whether she has your approval to be with them or not. I agree with your husband to take things easy. If you come down hard on her you run the risk of driving her right into the undesired behavior and loose the opportunity to be close and have open lines of communication. Like a previous poster said if you don't react you have taken the curiosity and appeal out of it. If you do stress anything stress that her choices along these lines can have negative consequences - driving under the influence resulting in jail or killing someone, bad choices being under the influence like unprotected sex that can lead to everlasting diseases, etc. These are the irreversible results of bad choices that no one can fix that she needs to have a good grasp of. You are not a failure as a parent. As much as we want to tell our children what to do and what not to do in order to keep them safe they are going to make their own choices and take their own actions. The only thing we as parents can do at this stage is give them the space to practice making sound decisions and not crucify them when they make a mistake because they are going to make mistakes. Do you want to be the soft place to land or the brick wall that repels them away? Your DD is talking to you both about it and telling you what she has done which means she is trusting you greatly with her vulnerability. As an adult this is not an easy thing to do. As a teen its even harder. Try to shift your perspective a bit, let loose of the reins, and see where the extra bit of runway takes your relationship with your daughter. As bad as it may seem you are in a very good position. Very much THIS ^^^^^^^
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Post by merry27 on Oct 7, 2019 12:37:37 GMT
I don't envy your position. When my kids did similar things they had both tried to hide it and got caught out. This made it a lot easier to hand out punishment because they'd lied as well as drank / smoked pot. I agree with your husband and others that you need to give her credit for being honest with you, and you don't want to run the risk of her still doing it but being sneaky about it. BTW, you're not a failure. If that was the case, then I'm a failure too, as well as every parent of every one of my friends from the 80s!! We all did that shit, and our parents were certainly not failures. ETA: I am pleasantly surprised that just about everyone on this thread agrees with your DH. I have found that a lot of (most?) Peas are a lot stricter than I am. I was expecting to read a lot of "that wouldn't fly in my house" or "my kid would be grounded with no phone/TV/iPad/bedroom door for a year" type of responses. Me too! It is so encouraging to read the responses and hear that this is normal behavior. My first thought was to put her on lockdown and take her bedroom door off. Luckily my DH calmed me down! This is hard for me because I never did any of these things. It was a lot to find out about all of these on the same day.
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Post by merry27 on Oct 7, 2019 12:39:07 GMT
Our kids' choices don't define us. Just keep talking with her... Thank you! I needed to hear this
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Post by PEAcan pie on Oct 7, 2019 12:53:56 GMT
I feel for you. I have a son turning 16 next month. Number one get LIFE360 to track her. Yes, she can turn off/or leave the phone home but still get it for every day.
The peer pressure to use weed/drugs/alcohol is so incredibly bad for our youth right now. IMO worse than it has ever been. With vapes being so readily available and THC being legalized, kids are more willing to experiment and give in to peer pressure.
My son went from being social, Mr. Popular to having very little friends and quitting the football team. The football team was vaping in the locker room! He got a job and plays LAX, so he avoids the parties and sticks with his one friend that does not vape etc. I am incredibly saddened that he is having such a rough time and his High School experience is not what I envisioned for him. I have encouraged him to not drop all his friends and just say no, if they are a good friend they will be ok with it. However, the whole scene bothers him sooo much.
We live in a pretty nice neighborhood and community, I know the parents of these kids and just cannot believe what is going on.
I really feel for them, they are in a really tough spot
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 7, 2019 13:16:18 GMT
Your husband is totally right. If she’s talking to you then things are ok. Don’t push it or strain it. I always tell my kids - if something happens, if they get in trouble or need help, I want their first thought to be “I need my mom,” not “oh shit, I can’t let my mom find out!” I agree. I also told my kids to use me as their excuse. As in "No, my mom would kill me" or "my mom will take away my car/phone/life".
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Oct 7, 2019 14:42:55 GMT
ETA: I am pleasantly surprised that just about everyone on this thread agrees with your DH. I have found that a lot of (most?) Peas are a lot stricter than I am. I was expecting to read a lot of "that wouldn't fly in my house" or "my kid would be grounded with no phone/TV/iPad/bedroom door for a year" type of responses. I almost didn't open the thread for that reason I agree with the majority though. By not overreacting you may take the desire and excitement out of the experience a little. Same. I had been avoiding the thread for fear of the usual authoritarian responses. merry27 - apologies - it's 745 am and I'm still tired. Think that my post came off harsher than intended. I just wanted to stress the two key safety talking points. And, as another Pea mentioned, it would be ideal if you asked her the risks. It would be good to know if she's heard of Fentanyl for example. You just have to do it in a way that doesn't come across like you worry to much; because teens' brains are still developing and they can consider themselves invincible, the 'Scared STraight' approach is ineffective. no consequences, just conversations. Your goal needs to be her safety. Reality is teens drink. So make sure she knows never to let her drink leave her hand and her line of sight, lest some idiot (or worse) put something in it. Talk about the fact that while pot isn't, in itself, a dangerous drug - and it is in fact legal in some places - the illegal stuff could be laced with bad stuff, and it's likely not worth the risk. And when I say talk, I mean talk - no scaring her. Just a conversation about the risks of taking drugs when you don't know where they came from (I have a family member who smokes pot - he gets it from a licensed dispensary where they know the growers).
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Post by christine58 on Oct 7, 2019 14:45:32 GMT
I agree with everyone about keeping the lines of communication open and not over reacting...HOWEVER...she needs a consequence of some sort. Ask her what she thinks it should be. The sneaking out would be my major issue. You need to know she is safe.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Oct 7, 2019 14:49:56 GMT
A word of warning though - my daughter would come in late, then have to confess everything and anything she did that was wrong and then feeling better about it would go to bed and sleep the sleep of the innocent. It was like she would be getting absolution. I finally had to make her wait to talk to me until morning and make her stew over it all night. She hated that and I hope it caused her to think twice before doing anything she should not have done. I'll have to ask her about that next time we talk (she is 47 now so would tell me the truth) Good points! She's two years from being an adult. It's very difficult to punish the behavior away. At 16 yrs, I'm more about teaching safety. Explaining why it is important that you know where she is so that you know where to get her if she has an emergency. Teaching her to choose carefully who she drinks with, to never just leave her drink sitting without her eyes on it, how to recognize the symptoms of being given the date rape drug. She needs to know to have a girlfriend with her that she can trust to help her get out of a dangerous situation. And she needs to know she can call you at any time, in any state of inebriation, to come bring her to safety. She also needs to know the facts about pot use. She needs to know that it can be laced. She needs to know what to normally expect when using it. Also possible side effects. At this age, it is all about knowledge and learning to protect herself. In two years, there will be no punishing behaviors away. But you also don't want her to party hard and not know how to regulate herself and protect Well Worth repeating!!
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Oct 7, 2019 14:55:27 GMT
My son went from being social, Mr. Popular to having very little friends and quitting the football team. The football team was vaping in the locker room! He got a job and plays LAX, so he avoids the parties and sticks with his one friend that does not vape etc. I am incredibly saddened that he is having such a rough time and his High School experience is not what I envisioned for him. I have encouraged him to not drop all his friends and just say no, if they are a good friend they will be ok with it. However, the whole scene bothers him sooo much. We live in a pretty nice neighborhood and community, I know the parents of these kids and just cannot believe what is going on. I really feel for them, they are in a really tough spot Congrats to your DS for walking away from bad situations. Somehow I wish he might be able to let someone know what is going on, but he should NOT risk his safety!
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paigepea
Drama Llama
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Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Oct 7, 2019 15:26:20 GMT
I haven’t read all of the replies. We’ve talked to our girls about pot. I would be disappointed if they tried it but I feel that so many kids have access with it being legal everywhere that it’s becoming a norm at high school parties. Half the parents I know smoke pot. I was at book club (I just joined) and 1 woman brought cookies in a tin marked ‘adult cookies’.
As long as your dd knows there are long term consequences to pot (affecting bran cells) and not to do again, it’s not like it’s cocaine, etc so I’d let this try go beyond your disappointment .
Sneaking out to go to a party equals a loss of trust that needs to be earned back.
Drinking at parties - happens everywhere. I think you need to teach her to do this responsibly (ie: don’t put drink down, pretend to sip, call home if there is a problem - drinks can be tainted. I have friends who provide coolers for their kids because they’re so scared of them getting tainted alcohol). Keeping communication open is #1. I’ve really stressed pretending to sip or blaming mom (my mom would kill me sort of thing). You don’t want her doing any of this in secret.
My dd turned 14 over the weekend and isn’t ‘there’ yet. But I assume we’ll get into some situations like this next year. I get advice from my friends who have older kids.
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Post by shevy on Oct 7, 2019 15:47:20 GMT
Not a fail at all! You got your daughter to confide in you about negative things. I'd say that is a win.
Talk about trust, negative impact on her life of her choices and roleplay how to make better choices so she has words at hand when the situation presents it's self again. The honest, open conversation is everything!
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 7, 2019 16:14:25 GMT
Teen parenting is when when my husband and I had to shift from "boundary/rule setting" to "coaching/making good choices". You can't be there to make choices for her when she is with friends whether she has your approval to be with them or not. I agree with your husband to take things easy. If you come down hard on her you run the risk of driving her right into the undesired behavior and loose the opportunity to be close and have open lines of communication. Like a previous poster said if you don't react you have taken the curiosity and appeal out of it. If you do stress anything stress that her choices along these lines can have negative consequences - driving under the influence resulting in jail or killing someone, bad choices being under the influence like unprotected sex that can lead to everlasting diseases, etc. These are the irreversible results of bad choices that no one can fix that she needs to have a good grasp of. You are not a failure as a parent. As much as we want to tell our children what to do and what not to do in order to keep them safe they are going to make their own choices and take their own actions. The only thing we as parents can do at this stage is give them the space to practice making sound decisions and not crucify them when they make a mistake because they are going to make mistakes. Do you want to be the soft place to land or the brick wall that repels them away? Your DD is talking to you both about it and telling you what she has done which means she is trusting you greatly with her vulnerability. As an adult this is not an easy thing to do. As a teen its even harder. Try to shift your perspective a bit, let loose of the reins, and see where the extra bit of runway takes your relationship with your daughter. As bad as it may seem you are in a very good position. Nicely said! I just want to add, as much as we tell out kids not to do drugs, drink underage, smoke, etc., they are naturally curious beings. I honestly think very few kids are peer pressured into trying these things, although that may be the story they tell you if/when caught.
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kayteapea
Shy Member
Posts: 17
Apr 8, 2018 2:04:09 GMT
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Post by kayteapea on Oct 9, 2019 17:27:14 GMT
Mine snuck out at 14 and was brought home by the cops! I was mortified and SO scared by that. She actually went out a ground floor window that she had prepared by popping the screen loose earlier in the day. That kept our alarm from sounding, as we had no windows on the alarm system at that point, just glass break alarmed. She was grounded from her phone at home for a month- could take it to school as they did projects that needed online access in class. I slept in her room with her for a week, then did bed checks for the rest of her month-long grounding. The boy she snuck out to see and his father came over and we had a big talk with them about consent, local laws and consequences. his dad offered to have the boy di yardwork for us for 2 months, but honestly we weren't sure if we trusted the kid. We told our daughter she needed to re-earn our trust, and we changed the alarm system up and made a habit of checking window screens every night for the next couple of years.
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Post by tentoes on Oct 9, 2019 18:01:01 GMT
It's scary when we find out about this type of behavior from our children. Just wanted to say--my kids got in more trouble when they were caught in a lie, than for things they did and came clean about the behavior. All four of my kids "had their moments" that they did things that disappointed us as parents. I will also share that all four of them are currently productive, loving and thoughtful people that turned out to be wonderful parents to their own children. So, I think back to the times that I thought I was a failure as a parent, and I put that notion to rest. Thank the Lord! We WERE pretty strict parents, and it's amazing that, according to the stories they tell NOW, and laugh about (now), that they got away with as many things as they did, and we had no idea!! We had curfews, we had rules on where they could go and with whom!! And still, they got away with a lot.
eta: By the way, all four of our children are MUCH stricter with their children than we were!!
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