~Susan~
Pearl Clutcher
You need to check your boobs, mine tried to kill me!!!
Posts: 3,259
Jul 6, 2014 17:25:32 GMT
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Post by ~Susan~ on Nov 14, 2019 17:53:30 GMT
I just got back from a hair appointment and for whatever reason the conversation that a manicurist and her client were having is really irking the hell out of me.
They were discussing relatives of theirs who were dealing with cancer. One of their family members is going through treatment for brain cancer and was having the gamma knife done. The manicurist was talking about how it was done with the mesh mask/cast that they have to wear and that they are bolted to the table. It is a very precise treatment. The client said that if it ever happened to her (cancer) then she would just have to die because there was no way she would do that.
Then the client was saying that a family member she had was dealing with cancer and treatment and was just having a hard time "processing it" and that he had been going through this for a year. She just couldn't understand why he couldn't come to grips with it.
As someone who had cancer, surgery, radiation and chemo...dying was not an option for me. I was scared shitless with every treatment and visit (I still am), but I was so desperate to live out my life that I was willing to try whatever they threw at me. FFS nobody WANTS to do it!!!
As for not being about to "process it", I STILL have trouble believing it happened to me and my treatment has been over for over a year. Cancer is life altering in so many different ways. I am not the same person I was before. I will NEVER be the same I was before. I look different, I feel different, I think differently. Cancer is always in the shadows of my mind because I never thought it would happen to me, but it did and now I feel vulnerable.
If you have read this far, thank you. I just really needed to get this off of my chest.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Nov 14, 2019 18:13:49 GMT
I have been through chemo and radiation and I’m ten years out. I think it’s like most things, if you’ve never been through it you have no idea how you would react. Like raising kids, plenty of non-parents have some unrealistic ideas on the raising of kids. Hell, I've heard parents throw out some seriously ridiculous comments on kids. I just assume they are ignorant (true meaning if the word, not a slam on their intelligence). I guess I don’t single out cancer, I hear a lot of things that I disagree with in public but don’t let it bother me. I’m also not someone who feels the need to educate strangers. If asked I’ll happily give my opinion, otherwise you can keep on thinking like you think.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,702 
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Nov 14, 2019 19:06:42 GMT
She's fortunate not to be faced with that choice. If she ever is, I bet her mind would change pretty quickly.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,254
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Nov 14, 2019 19:14:53 GMT
I understand what you are saying. People spout off about a lot of things they don’t understand - cancer being one of them. Grief is another. Not having experienced something as life-changing as cancer or the death of a spouse doesn’t keep some people from thinking they know what it's like or how they would handle it. Reality is not the same as theory.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,899
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Nov 14, 2019 19:15:05 GMT
She's fortunate not to be faced with that choice. If she ever is, I bet her mind would change pretty quickly.  I suppose you were just overhearing the conversation, not being included in it? It must have been very hard not to speak out and add your voice of experience to it. |
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Post by nlwilkins on Nov 14, 2019 19:30:50 GMT
My husband's cancer is incurable. It has spread to the bones and there is nothing to do but slow it down. Yet I get these comments on how they will pray that he gets better and that they are praying for him to get rid of the cancer. I had to cut my sister in law short and explain that he is not getting better and holding his own is all we can hope for. She was all upset and tried to assure me otherwise. I finally just let her have her say and let her have her fantasy. She thinks because she had cancer that she knows all about it.
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Post by femalebusiness on Nov 14, 2019 19:34:18 GMT
Reality is not the same as theory. So very true! |
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on Nov 14, 2019 19:39:14 GMT
I think a lot of ppl just feel like they need to say "something" and don't think about how it come off on the other end. I know I've been guilty of this. I'll assume the best intentions were meant, and say a prayer for the relative suffering. That sounds really terrifying.
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The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,346
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Nov 14, 2019 19:46:43 GMT
When people say "I couldn't never do it" or "I don't know how you do it" ( I was dealing with a very serious medical issue with one of my kids)
I just wanted to scream...You do it because you have to do it...not doing it is not an option.
I think they mean well and basically are trying to say that you are strong. But, who knows people say stupid shit without even really thinking it through. |
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Post by lucyg on Nov 14, 2019 19:49:11 GMT
I just figure they don’t know what they’re talking about and they’re lucky they haven’t had to deal with this themselves. And they lack enough self-awareness not to spout off their uneducated opinions on what other people should be feeling and doing, and how they themselves would respond in the same situation.  Mostly I’m just grateful to still be here! |
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~Susan~
Pearl Clutcher
You need to check your boobs, mine tried to kill me!!!
Posts: 3,259
Jul 6, 2014 17:25:32 GMT
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Post by ~Susan~ on Nov 14, 2019 20:30:39 GMT
She's fortunate not to be faced with that choice. If she ever is, I bet her mind would change pretty quickly. I suppose you were just overhearing the conversation, not being included in it? It must have been very hard not to speak out and add your voice of experience to it. I was waiting on my stylist to finish up with another person up front. I was actually three chairs away so it was hard not to hear them. It was all I could do not say something, but I kept my mouth shut. No one can understand unless they have been through it themselves or with a loved one. It would have been wasted breath probably. |
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Post by elaine on Nov 14, 2019 20:33:38 GMT
I just got back from a hair appointment and for whatever reason the conversation that a manicurist and her client were having is really irking the hell out of me. They were discussing relatives of theirs who were dealing with cancer. One of their family members is going through treatment for brain cancer and was having the gamma knife done. The manicurist was talking about how it was done with the mesh mask/cast that they have to wear and that they are bolted to the table. It is a very precise treatment. The client said that if it ever happened to her (cancer) then she would just have to die because there was no way she would do that. Then the client was saying that a family member she had was dealing with cancer and treatment and was just having a hard time "processing it" and that he had been going through this for a year. She just couldn't understand why he couldn't come to grips with it. As someone who had cancer, surgery, radiation and chemo...dying was not an option for me. I was scared shitless with every treatment and visit (I still am), but I was so desperate to live out my life that I was willing to try whatever they threw at me. FFS nobody WANTS to do it!!! As for not being about to "process it", I STILL have trouble believing it happened to me and my treatment has been over for over a year. Cancer is life altering in so many different ways. I am not the same person I was before. I will NEVER be the same I was before. I look different, I feel different, I think differently. Cancer is always in the shadows of my mind because I never thought it would happen to me, but it did and now I feel vulnerable. If you have read this far, thank you. I just really needed to get this off of my chest. I hear you and validate you. (((Hugs))) |
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~Susan~
Pearl Clutcher
You need to check your boobs, mine tried to kill me!!!
Posts: 3,259
Jul 6, 2014 17:25:32 GMT
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Post by ~Susan~ on Nov 14, 2019 20:34:56 GMT
I just figure they don’t know what they’re talking about and they’re lucky they haven’t had to deal with this themselves. And they lack enough self-awareness not to spout off their uneducated opinions on what other people should be feeling and doing, and how they themselves would respond in the same situation. Mostly I’m just grateful to still be here! I'm so, so very thankful to be here too!☺️ |
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Post by bc2ca on Nov 14, 2019 20:40:56 GMT
She's fortunate not to be faced with that choice. If she ever is, I bet her mind would change pretty quickly. |
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Post by shevy on Nov 14, 2019 20:45:25 GMT
I think people who haven't been in the situation or had the situation come fully on them have no idea about how difficult it is. I can't tell you how many people have told me I mutilated myself for having a mastectomy when I had DCIS Stage 0 and 62% chance of genetic breast cancer. Or how many people told me I was getting a free boob job.
I stopped responding to them and started just staring at them until they either walked away or realized what they had actually said.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 13:28:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2019 20:53:43 GMT
I think people who haven't been in the situation or had the situation come fully on them have no idea about how difficult it is. I can't tell you how many people have told me I mutilated myself for having a mastectomy when I had DCIS Stage 0 and 62% chance of genetic breast cancer. Or how many people told me I was getting a free boob job. I stopped responding to them and started just staring at them until they either walked away or realized what they had actually said. Holy crap. My mom is going thru chemo for breast cancer right now-how dare people even talk to you like this. (((((hugs))))) to all who a bravely dealing with the deck they got handed. |
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,899
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Nov 14, 2019 22:30:53 GMT
I think a lot of the crap we hear/say is platitudes that we have heard other people saying. Until we have had the need to think it through for ourselves, or have had it pointed out to us just how crappy it is, we carry on parroting the same crap. And of course, we don't really know WHAT to say. It's a little like bereavement: no words are right, other than "I'm sorry". Some people make a joke because that's how they handle uncomfortable situations. Others try to relate it to themselves. Even the genuinely well-intentioned "please tell me if there is anything I can do" gets shot down in flames. And it's just as hurtful to say nothing, so we get it wrong whatever we do. Cancer is crappy. Period.
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Nov 14, 2019 23:39:57 GMT
So far my personal favourite is "god must really hate you."
Ain't no answer to that one!
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 14, 2019 23:57:32 GMT
Having lost my mom to cancer, I might not have been able to be silent. I don't think they even considered that their coversation would hurt anyone, but it is a great reminder to think before you speak.
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Post by jenjie on Nov 15, 2019 0:05:00 GMT
I agree with pretty much everything said on this thread. I’m so sorry she was so insensitive.
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Post by jenjie on Nov 15, 2019 0:05:30 GMT
So far my personal favourite is "god must really hate you." Ain't no answer to that one! 😱 Say it ain’t so! |
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Post by pjaye on Nov 15, 2019 0:43:07 GMT
I was scared shitless with every treatment and visit (I still am), but I was so desperate to live out my life that I was willing to try whatever they threw at me. She's fortunate not to be faced with that choice. If she ever is, I bet her mind would change pretty quickly.I just wanted to scream...You do it because you have to do it... not doing it is not an optionyeah - lets just add these to the "stupid things people say about cancer" list Unless it is *your* cancer, your personal experience and your choice to make, all of the above statements are just as ignorant and annoying as what you overhead. Some can't, won't, don't want to, can't cope with etc etc certain treatments. Those personal limits and the choices some people make about not having some (or any) treatments are JUST as valid as those of you who choose a different (active) treatment path. You get to choose what you do, and it is rude and arrogant to assume that everyone else will feel the same way. |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Nov 15, 2019 0:57:53 GMT
(((Hugs)))
I would feel the same as you do.
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Post by 50offscrapper on Nov 15, 2019 0:58:23 GMT
My husband's cancer is incurable. It has spread to the bones and there is nothing to do but slow it down. Yet I get these comments on how they will pray that he gets better and that they are praying for him to get rid of the cancer. I had to cut my sister in law short and explain that he is not getting better and holding his own is all we can hope for. She was all upset and tried to assure me otherwise. I finally just let her have her say and let her have her fantasy. She thinks because she had cancer that she knows all about it. So sorry to hear. |
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Post by 50offscrapper on Nov 15, 2019 1:00:12 GMT
I think people who haven't been in the situation or had the situation come fully on them have no idea about how difficult it is. I can't tell you how many people have told me I mutilated myself for having a mastectomy when I had DCIS Stage 0 and 62% chance of genetic breast cancer. Or how many people told me I was getting a free boob job. I stopped responding to them and started just staring at them until they either walked away or realized what they had actually said. That's horrible. Sorry to had to experience that. I got the are you going to die question.... at work no less. |
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Post by 50offscrapper on Nov 15, 2019 1:04:43 GMT
I just got back from a hair appointment and for whatever reason the conversation that a manicurist and her client were having is really irking the hell out of me. They were discussing relatives of theirs who were dealing with cancer. One of their family members is going through treatment for brain cancer and was having the gamma knife done. The manicurist was talking about how it was done with the mesh mask/cast that they have to wear and that they are bolted to the table. It is a very precise treatment. The client said that if it ever happened to her (cancer) then she would just have to die because there was no way she would do that. Then the client was saying that a family member she had was dealing with cancer and treatment and was just having a hard time "processing it" and that he had been going through this for a year. She just couldn't understand why he couldn't come to grips with it. As someone who had cancer, surgery, radiation and chemo...dying was not an option for me. I was scared shitless with every treatment and visit (I still am), but I was so desperate to live out my life that I was willing to try whatever they threw at me. FFS nobody WANTS to do it!!! As for not being about to "process it", I STILL have trouble believing it happened to me and my treatment has been over for over a year. Cancer is life altering in so many different ways. I am not the same person I was before. I will NEVER be the same I was before. I look different, I feel different, I think differently. Cancer is always in the shadows of my mind because I never thought it would happen to me, but it did and now I feel vulnerable. If you have read this far, thank you. I just really needed to get this off of my chest. Sorry to had to hear this. I don't think people know until they walk through it. I just kept telling myself that they were ignorant and that they meant well. |
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Post by PolarGreen12 on Nov 15, 2019 1:08:03 GMT
I would have not been able to bite my tongue if I had overheard that conversation.
I had two doctors tell me in regards to my cancer, “ Well if you are going to get cancer this is the one to get.” No you fucking asshat. Not one person who has ever had cancer has said that!
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,797
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Post by Rhondito on Nov 15, 2019 1:17:17 GMT
I think people who haven't been in the situation or had the situation come fully on them have no idea about how difficult it is. I can't tell you how many people have told me I mutilated myself for having a mastectomy when I had DCIS Stage 0 and 62% chance of genetic breast cancer. Or how many people told me I was getting a free boob job. I stopped responding to them and started just staring at them until they either walked away or realized what they had actually said. I was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer in August and had a lumpectomy. I had my first of 4 chemo treatments on Nov 1 and will then have 6 weeks of radiation followed by 10 years of tamoxifen. Yay.
I had a friend tell me that "As a nurse, anything less than a mastectomy is useless." Someone else said, "That happened to my aunt and then it came back in the other breast..." So I've stopped telling people. I don't need to hear that crap.
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Post by elaine on Nov 15, 2019 1:32:24 GMT
I was scared shitless with every treatment and visit (I still am), but I was so desperate to live out my life that I was willing to try whatever they threw at me. She's fortunate not to be faced with that choice. If she ever is, I bet her mind would change pretty quickly.I just wanted to scream...You do it because you have to do it... not doing it is not an optionyeah - lets just add these to the "stupid things people say about cancer" list Unless it is *your* cancer, your personal experience and your choice to make, all of the above statements are just as ignorant and annoying as what you overhead. Some can't, won't, don't want to, can't cope with etc etc certain treatments. Those personal limits and the choices some people make about not having some (or any) treatments are JUST as valid as those of you who choose a different (active) treatment path. You get to choose what you do, and it is rude and arrogant to assume that everyone else will feel the same way. FFS! Sometimes I think you get such a hard-on over an opportunity to play the biggest baddest bitch in the room that when the blood leaves your brain to flood your nether regions your reading comprehension suffers. Susan said that she was willing to try anything. She didn’t say that anyone else should feel that way, but that that was her reality. Her reality. Birdhouse a Lady was also very clear that her response was about HER reality in dealing with medical issues with HER CHILD. She didn’t say that other people had to do the same thing with their children. Rude and arrogant? Look in the mirror. You are a royal bitch here. |
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Post by jackie on Nov 15, 2019 1:56:49 GMT
I had a friend say she could never lose her hair. She said she isn’t sure she’d want to go on and that she’d never leave her house. I thought, are you effing kidding me?! It’s HAIR fgs! It does grow back and pretty quickly. I thought it was either the saddest or stupidest thing I had ever heard.
This next one is always said nicely and it probably won’t be a popular sentiment, but it always bothers me a little when I hear someone say about a cancer survivor that they made it because of how hard they fought or they made it because God was by their side. So, the people who didn’t make it didn’t fight hard enough or God didn’t feel like saving them? It always just felt a little like a slap in the face to people who lost or were losing someone to cancer. I am all for fighting to get better and praying if that’s your thing, but some cancers are curable and some just aren’t. I feel incredibly lucky to still be here and I’m grateful that I’ve been cancer-free for five years, but it could have went differently.
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