julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611 
|
Post by julie5 on Nov 16, 2019 16:07:32 GMT
Update 11/18
So my husband said keep doing what I’m doing and he’ll try everything. My son and I sat down and looked through the menu and he told me what he would try and what to substitute. They both agree that broccoli should be served in place of brussel sprouts. Lol small victories! Thanks for the suggestions! Also, he helped prepare the meal too which made him proud. So including him really helped.
End update
My family. My husband is morbidly obese, blood pressure and cholesterol off the charts. I’ve known for awhile that the diet changes would have to come from me because I buy the food and prepare it. I found a solution with eMeals where they publish menus and I create shopping lists right in the app. It’s made my life so much simpler. My husband was doing well, we started on Monday. I haven’t taken away any snacks or sugary beverages, just changed supper only to follow this diet. It’s low fat/sodium/cholesterol. Nothing extreme about it. But last night he blew his top when I wouldn’t allow him to put American cheese on fish. He already grabbed hot sauce and bread the cheese was a step too far. So he’s stomping around the house my 16 year old was acting all appalled, as he did the same thing over the cauliflower. I yelled at both of them and told them they were being childish and I’m hiding in my room today, frustrated.
My 16 year old has been walking around for months claiming to be fat and wanting to eat healthier, meanwhile he’s eating entire bags of chocolate in one sitting. So after I calmed down last night I talked to him and told him how it offends me that he says I need to cook healthier and then when I do, he refuses to eat it (he refused squash and Brussels sprouts this week too). His defense? “Well I felt like you were calling me fat by cooking healthy food”.
What the actual fuck?!?! So today I’m in my room ignoring everyone because I’m exhausted. I’m tired of babysitting these two. My kid I can understand but this is why I’ve put off the food changes, because I knew my husband would respond negatively in some way.
Oh well. I’m not going to keep killing him with food. First of all, nothing has been done to his estate to leave anything to me. Second of all, it’s no worse than drug dealers pushing drugs to people. I know this old diet will kill him. He won’t live to see 50. Amd my kids will not suffer being served a properly balanced diet. My 18 yo loves the food changes. She like eating natural foods with minimal seasonings.
Just venting. I’m emotionally worn out trying to make things sound good. I even snuck avacadoes into a sauce this week.
|
|
|
|
Post by femalebusiness on Nov 16, 2019 16:11:27 GMT
Take out a huge life insurance policy on him. That's all I got. You just simply can't control another adult. I am so sorry you have to worry about him.
|
|
scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
|
Post by scrappinspidey2 on Nov 16, 2019 16:16:19 GMT
these things never go well despite the exceptionally good intentions behind them. Adults do not like being told what to do, no more than kids do If you want to eat more healthy then focus on you. The others will either get in line because you are the only one cooking, or they will figure out something else. You cannot force someone to eat better, lose weight etc. if the app makes your life easier, continue to use it, just don't expect your family to follow what you think should be done.
|
|
julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
|
Post by julie5 on Nov 16, 2019 16:18:05 GMT
Take out a huge life insurance policy on him. That's all I got. You just simply can't control another adult. I am so sorry you have to worry about him. I’m definitely getting better about standing up to him. He’s half of the 600 pound life show, I mention the behaviors of the eaters and the enablers in the show a lot. One day he will tell me not to buy any more candy, the next he’ll say why are there no sweet tarts? (His fave candy) Basically if I’m buying the groceries, cooking the groceries, and cleaning up the mess, we’re eating what say. If anyone doesn’t like it, they are free to go to the store themselves. The doctor keeps upping his BP med and he doesn’t like that. I’m like well then you have to do something because it won’t just magically go away. That’s not how it works. I also remind him at every meal that I’m doing this out of love. That we want him here for the long haul. I’m just tired today. Both my husband and my son are very high needs people. I cut my child some slack because he’s a kid but I’m trying to use some tough love on him too. |
|
wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,023
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
|
Post by wellway on Nov 16, 2019 16:28:04 GMT
If your dh hasn't bought into the changes you have an uphill battle on your hands.
Hugs
|
|
|
|
Post by freecharlie on Nov 16, 2019 16:55:44 GMT
Make the food you want and buy the food you want, but you can't control another adult even if it would benefit them.
Let him eat the fish with the cheese this time, but don't buy anymore American cheese.
I don't eat brussel sprouts either.
Have you looked into low carb, high protein? Sounds like they may not like vegetables. Also there is keto, but I think it might make blood pressure rise at first and I think you have to be pretty committed to it or it would make them gain weight
|
|
|
|
Post by danalz on Nov 16, 2019 17:07:56 GMT
I'm a care manager for the elderly and disabled, focusing on their health care. We have many clients who need to change things for their health (eating, taking their meds regularly, going to their appts, etc.). Forcing it on them never works. Preaching to them never works. They need to be motivated themselves to do it.
Have you tried asking him what eating healthy looks like to him? Maybe the changes you made are too much, too quickly for him. He didn't get to this point overnight so baby steps may be the way to go right now. Ask him what is one thing he thinks he could change right now and try that for a week or two. If he's successful, then ask him if he's ready to add another change. You may start to see more buy in from him if he has a bit more control of the situation.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 17:29:57 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2019 17:15:47 GMT
I’ve known for awhile that the diet changes would have to come from me because I buy the food and prepare it. I found a solution with eMeals where they publish menus and I create shopping lists right in the app. It’s made my life so much simpler. My husband was doing well, we started on Monday. Just venting. I’m emotionally worn out trying to make things sound good. I even snuck avacadoes into a sauce this week. My advice is coming from a fat person. No ONE, not even me, can change me. For many of us food is much more than just fuel. It is highly tied to emotions going back to infancy that we don't even remember. It is tied to genetics which controls what ratio of various taste buds we have and what flavors we detect. I cannot stand most squash (it is all very bitter) or leafy green (you know that taste you get when you walk through a newly mowed lawn? That is what all leafy greens taste like to me... grass) I am also highly sensitive to sour flavors which many fruits have a sour note to them. So for me, a keto diet works best for weight loss but even then I have trouble staying on it. I'm working with a therapist on the psychological part. One day in a meeting when my input kept being ignored in frustration I thought "When will I be big enough for people to pay attention" and a voice in my head replied "you don't need to take that statement so literally" Bingo, one of the reasons why I sabotage my diet is trying to "grow up" Do what makes your life easier as the cook. Don't keep snack foods around if you feel it helps you. But leave it to them to decide to add things you don't approve. I know you want to keep your husband alive but that choice is his. Don't baby sit him over it. Just provide a well balanced meal and let go. |
|
|
|
Post by roundtwo on Nov 16, 2019 17:16:39 GMT
That old saying - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink - applies here I think. Try to stop talking about the why and just make the changes that need to be done.
Keep cooking healthy meals and serve them, without comment. They are both old enough to know what needs to happen if they want to see changes in their health so you don't need to remind them. If they don't want to eat what you're making, they are also old enough to prepare their own foods.
Don't have unhealthy snacks in the house but don't explain why not - they know what the better choices are so let them choose to eat the things you have in the house or they can go get their own.
It's hard to make the big changes that they need and you are going to have to let them get there on their own - they don't need you to tell them why and you are making it harder on yourself by feeling that you have to justify good choices.
|
|
|
|
Post by nlwilkins on Nov 16, 2019 17:33:20 GMT
I also remind him at every meal that I’m doing this out of love. That we want him here for the long haul. This stood out to me. Someone doing this to me would make me dig my heels in and resist. Many moons ago when I quit smoking I discovered that the more my husband preached about quitting the harder it was for me to do so. To have someone preach at me every meal would be a big turn off. Just serve up the food, no sermon on how healthy it is or how you are doing this for love of him. If questions are asked or one of them brings it up be nonchalant about it. This is probably a real sore point for your husband. He is an adult, he knows what you are doing and he has to decide on his own how he will react. There will be lots and lots of resistance as it is, just don't make it a war. |
|
|
|
Post by grammadee on Nov 16, 2019 17:36:10 GMT
Life changes are hard and they have to be made by individuals on their own terms.
My dd is a dietician and her job is working with families who have been referred for obesity and/or eating disorders. Her advice is to take the stress away from the dining room table. If you are purchasing and preparing the food, then continue to do that. If your dh or ds come home with something off your menu, that is their business. You don't have to eat it, and you don't have to force them NOT to.
She recommends to families that the meal be prepared and offered, and that the family table be a place to share your day, prop each other up, rather than to fight about what you are eating. You can't stop them from acting the way they do, but you can choose not to engage, keep eating your meal, and move on. Some families have a "break" command--like when you want a dog to let go of a hold. Might be, "Sooo... How about those Rangers?" (or some other sports team). Around here tensions get high around the holidays, and when someone feels the pressure rising, they will shout "Merry Christmas!" (even if it is the first of July). It gets a laugh, and things calm down. My 6 yr old dgs will suddenly say, "Guess what?" and everyone will start shouting out ridiculous things the "what" could be until he forgets what he was going to say (if there every WAS a what) and the tension is gone.
She asks people who are resistant to certain foods what it is they dislike about them. Often they say that the low sodium foods are too bland. There are lots of heart healthy spices you can add to make something more acceptable to their palates.. Just pick some they like, or go by trial and error. Look up recipes for the stuff they like and then add THOSE spices to the blander recipes. Or get some hot sauce that is low sodium.
The people who resist vegetables are often averse to the textures, so you can cook them more and blend them in, or serve them raw so they are more crunchy, whichever works. Cabbage family veggies are really strong in taste, and while I love them, there are lots of people who don't. There are many different leafy green veggies that may appeal to them.
|
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on Nov 16, 2019 17:36:38 GMT
Omg who puts cheese on fish? Especially American cheese? That’s not adding any flavor whatsoever.
|
|
|
|
Post by freecharlie on Nov 16, 2019 17:42:02 GMT
Omg who puts cheese on fish? Especially American cheese? That’s not adding any flavor whatsoever. I thought the same thing, but I don't like fish so I figured it was a thing Like a fish sandwich using fish sticks or something similar |
|
julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
|
Post by julie5 on Nov 16, 2019 17:44:37 GMT
Omg who puts cheese on fish? Especially American cheese? That’s not adding any flavor whatsoever. Right? He ruins so much food with American cheese. My son puts ketchup on everything. Thanks all for the advice. The problem my husband thinks because veggies are healthy that they’ll remain that way slathered in ranch dressing and cheese. I guess I’ll just keep my mouth shut and let him work through it alone. I just feel like I hear a lot of complaining about wanting to be healthier, but not actually wanting to do any of the work. To be fair, he’s complained about my meals long before the health kick. If I was making hot dogs he wanted hot wings. If I made hot wings he wanted steak. I never won here. So I figure it doesn’t even matter what I cook, he will bitch anyways. At least this way, if he dies my conscious is clear. |
|
julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
|
Post by julie5 on Nov 16, 2019 17:45:47 GMT
Omg who puts cheese on fish? Especially American cheese? That’s not adding any flavor whatsoever. I thought the same thing, but I don't like fish so I figured it was a thing Like a fish sandwich using fish sticks or something similar It was crusted tilapia with Parmesan in the crust. It was actually a cheat meal because the skinless tilapia looked gross to even me. I knew neither of them would eat it. |
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 16, 2019 17:46:22 GMT
If he doesn’t care, nothing you say or do is going to make him care. He has to want to make those changes for himself. Just stop buying the crap food and processed stuff and make what you want to eat. He can eat it as is or not, that’s on him. Same with your son, at 16 he’s old enough to go buy his own junk food if he doesn’t want to eat the healthy food in the house but at least he’ll have to put in some effort to get it. You getting upset and hiding in your room frustrated is only going to negatively affect you.
|
|
caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,675
Location: So Cal
Member is Online
|
Post by caangel on Nov 16, 2019 17:56:05 GMT
I also remind him at every meal that I’m doing this out of love. That we want him here for the long haul. This stood out to me. Someone doing this to me would make me dig my heels in and resist. Many moons ago when I quit smoking I discovered that the more my husband preached about quitting the harder it was for me to do so. To have someone preach at me every meal would be a big turn off. Just serve up the food, no sermon on how healthy it is or how you are doing this for love of him. If questions are asked or one of them brings it up be nonchalant about it. This is probably a real sore point for your husband. He is an adult, he knows what you are doing and he has to decide on his own how he will react. There will be lots and lots of resistance as it is, just don't make it a war. This needs repeating. Lose the commentary it is not having the desired results. Buy only healthy foods and make the healthy meals, then let them make their own choices. If they want candy and unhealthy foods then they have to buy it themselves. You don't need to enable their unhealthy choices but you also don't need to lecture them either when they make those choices. They know. It's a hard position to watch loved ones destroy themselves. But remember its also a hard position to watch yourself make those bad decision and feel powerless to change yourself. The anger aimed at you is actually anger for themselves. |
|
kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,407
Location: Lost in my supplies...
|
Post by kelly8875 on Nov 16, 2019 18:07:55 GMT
Sorry  Just know that the changes you’re making are for yourself first. You can’t make others change. Good luck on your change, and hope you make your goals along the way!! |
|
|
|
Post by mustlovecats on Nov 16, 2019 18:16:40 GMT
My advice as a low carb eater in a carb family is, fix the food you are going to fix and let them do what they want to do. If he wants to throw cheese on it let him. Barbecue sauce, whatever. You do your part and if it benefits them great, if they make other choices that is their choice too.
|
|
julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
|
Post by julie5 on Nov 16, 2019 18:39:27 GMT
I took everyone’s advice into consideration and talked to them both at the same time. I explained that I would make what I’m making and if they want cheese, they can get up and get it. If they don’t want it, they can fix their own meal. They both gVe me feedback on what veggies they want and how they like them. My husband said he wanted me to keep cooking this way and he would try not to take it out on me, he knows he’s the one that got himself into this spot and he knows what he needs to do to get out of it. And if a slice of cheese makes to a piece of fish, it’s not going to be the end of the world.
I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening and advising me. I don’t want meal times to be a battle zone. That was not my intention but that’s how it was going to end up.
|
|
|
|
Post by freecharlie on Nov 16, 2019 18:39:50 GMT
I thought the same thing, but I don't like fish so I figured it was a thing Like a fish sandwich using fish sticks or something similar It was crusted tilapia with Parmesan in the crust. It was actually a cheat meal because the skinless tilapia looked gross to even me. I knew neither of them would eat it. wait. So no real judgment from me, but rather commentary. You are allowed to decide when to cheat, but he isn't? One last thought, give it some time. You've only been at it a week. Start slow. Replace one or two meals a week and just keep going. Unless you are going to do keto. Then just do it. Oops another thought, I've had a couple of friends talk about Noom and the weight they have lost. Now I don't actually know anything about it, but they look great |
|
|
|
Post by librarylady on Nov 16, 2019 18:47:33 GMT
Omg who puts cheese on fish? Especially American cheese? That’s not adding any flavor whatsoever. Upstate NY serves cheese on fish!
OMG, I wanted to gag. I threw away the fish sandwich I had purchased because it was served with American cheese melted into the fish. BLECH! Not in my mouth!!
|
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on Nov 16, 2019 19:54:29 GMT
Omg who puts cheese on fish? Especially American cheese? That’s not adding any flavor whatsoever. Upstate NY serves cheese on fish!
OMG, I wanted to gag. I threw away the fish sandwich I had purchased because it was served with American cheese melted into the fish. BLECH! Not in my mouth!!
I grew up in NY and there was never any American cheese on fish. Maybe I did live ‘upstate’ enough I guess. The only cheese fish combo I can think if that’s good is lobster Mac n cheese. ( btw snails are gross in cheese too, but I think they are gross anyway ) |
|
|
|
Post by bc2ca on Nov 16, 2019 20:24:05 GMT
So much great feedback on this thread.  The only thing I would add is pull DS and DH into the menu planning if you can, especially your DS. When my kids were 12/13ish they each had responsibility for planning a meal a week. The only rule is that it had to be balanced (protein/starch/vegetables) and they had to give me their ingredient list before I shopped that week. They'd picked meals from magazine, cookbooks or the internet, tolerated the prep and cooking, and enjoyed eating what they made. It was honestly painful at points for me to stand by and let them chop vegetables and figure out how to do more than one thing so the meal came together with everything ready at the same time. I'm fast in the kitchen and love to cook and they aren't/don't. I know they won't starve on their own or live on junk which was my main goal. julie5, I wasn't clear if you wanted to lose weight, too. DH & I aren't always on the same diet/lifestyle page, but when one of us sees the results on the other we might join in. Telling the other they should be joining in never works. |
|
flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
|
Post by flute4peace on Nov 16, 2019 20:45:37 GMT
Am I remembering correctly that this is the husband who had the tool truck business, expecting you to run the route for him? And something about blaming you for his errors with the checkbook? And you were completely miserable and planning to leave him?
If not, please accept my apologies for being confused.
If so, he’s not going to change no matter what you try to do. At some point you’ll have to decide how much you’re comfortable with him controlling you.
That said, I think you’ve gotten some really good feedback and advice here, and your update sounds hopeful. I hope it works out and he becomes easier to deal with once he’s feeling better.
|
|
julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
|
Post by julie5 on Nov 16, 2019 21:37:45 GMT
Yes that’s me flute. A lot has changed in the last year or so. A lot. I’ve changed the dynamic in my home so that I’m not always the victim.
|
|
|
|
Post by Merge on Nov 16, 2019 22:03:29 GMT
I’m so glad you’ve changed the dynamic in your home for the better, but this sounds like one area where you are still taking the part of the victim.
As others have said, you can’t force an adult to do something he doesn’t want to do. In your situation, if you want to eat healthier, I would cook and eat what you want. Tell the others they can eat what you prepare, or else they’re welcome to buy and cook their own food or modify yours to their liking.
As the person in our home who does all the food preparation, when I decided to start eating plant-based, everyone else started eating that way for dinner as well. They can make other foods if they like, and I buy meat and dairy for their breakfasts and lunches if they request it, but at our house everyone fixes their own breakfast and lunch.
No way should you tolerate anyone criticizing what you cook or throwing a fit about it. These are grown people; they can make other choices if they want.
|
|
flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
|
Post by flute4peace on Nov 16, 2019 22:10:08 GMT
Yes that’s me flute. A lot has changed in the last year or so. A lot. I’ve changed the dynamic in my home so that I’m not always the victim. I’m so glad to hear this! And very proud of you. I hopethings will continue to improve! |
|
julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
|
Post by julie5 on Nov 16, 2019 22:21:54 GMT
I definitely hear you merge. Hearing my behavior worded back to me has helped. I’ll let them make their choices. I can’t believe I was being so obtuse about.
|
|
|
|
Post by cadoodlebug on Nov 16, 2019 22:41:20 GMT
Is this a second marriage? I didn't understand about your not being part of his estate.
|
|
