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Post by birdy on Nov 24, 2019 2:27:16 GMT
DD is 13. She has been friends with a girl for 2 years, but in the last 8 months, they've gotten to be best friends. The girl spent days at a time over here all summer. We've taken her lots of places with us and they even hang out with my mom who lives near girl. They get along great and have a lot in common. Girl comes from a family with similar family values as us as well. Something's been off between the two for over a week now. I noticed it mid week last week but didn't say much, just wanted to see how it played out. On Friday last week, dd said friend was crabby at lunch and didn't talk to her. All last weekend it was "radio silence" from this girl. Normally the minute they get home from school they're on facetime on and off throughout the evening and most of the day on weekends. But nothing for a week or so now. I asked DD what was up and if she wanted to talk and was met with "everything's fine" in a snippy tone. I've brought up to her one other time this week that if something's going on and she'd like to talk, I'm here for her. I might not have the right answer but I'm a good listener and no matter what is going on (not just with friend but just in general), I've always got her back. Even if a situation is because of her doing, I've always got her back and will be there if she needs me. She finally told me (in a snippy tone) to "let it go." So, I have. DD has been home sick from school for a week and not once has heard from her bff. I know its bugging her, but I don't want to harp on it. My heart hurts so bad for her I could cry... saying it here instead of to her. This is her first go round with this situation (mine too) and I'm wondering if you could share some advice. Do I let it go and let them figure it out themselves, do I continue (not daily) to let her know I'm here if she does want to talk? I don't know what to do.
She's not one that talks freely to me and it's not from a lack of me trying. I've always been very open with her. I talk freely about my feelings (things that are appropriate to talk about with your daughter kind of stuff), the changes her body is/will go through, sex, liking boys/having a boyfriend, things I experienced and went through as a teen. She never opens up to me about anything, ever. It makes me sad. Being a teen is tough stuff and I don't want her to suffer through stuff alone, but I also can't force her to open up.
Advice for me on the friend situation or about helping her open up (or its ok to tell me to mind my own business too, if that's the best way to handle it). I just need to hear from other parents of teen girls. My son never had friend drama and I am the one he always comes to (rather than dad) to talk to, so this is new to me. Thanks!
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Post by bc2ca on Nov 24, 2019 2:49:05 GMT
She's not one that talks freely to me and it's not from a lack of me trying. I've always been very open with her. I talk freely about my feelings (things that are appropriate to talk about with your daughter kind of stuff), the changes her body is/will go through, sex, liking boys/having a boyfriend, things I experienced and went through as a teen. She never opens up to me about anything, ever. It makes me sad. Being a teen is tough stuff and I don't want her to suffer through stuff alone, but I also can't force her to open up. Hugs, mama. It's hard to sit back and watch our kids navigate the possible end of a friendship. She knows you are there, but given the bolded, I wouldn't expect her to open up especially if she is feeling confused and hurt right now. I'd let it go and try keep her as busy as possible and encourage a variety of friendships as much as you can. |
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Post by candleangie on Nov 24, 2019 2:58:15 GMT
It’s totally possible to be there for someone without asking them to talk about it. i would stop asking for details. If you’re a private person, that doesn’t feel like being there for you or having your back. It feels like prying.
Instead, acknowledge that she’s struggling, without going into the details or into what you think is going on, and ask if there’s anything you can do.
“Hey, I can see that you’re bummed right now, and I don’t need to know why. It’s okay. Anything I can do? Is there something I can take off your plate so you can just chill tonight?” (Or insert “why don’t I get the dishes tonight/toss your laundry in with mine/feed the cat/whatever”)
You’re acknowledging that she’s struggling, that you’re here for her, and that she has every right to her privacy on the topic.
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Post by jmad122 on Nov 24, 2019 3:25:51 GMT
Ugh. I feel for you. My dd is almost 14 and we are going through a similar situation. Your dd knows you are there for her. I have just kept asking my normal general questions. "What happened at school?" My dd tends to shut down if I ask too many questions, so I sometimes have to tread carefully.
I'm sorry. I don't really have much advice, I guess.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,826 
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Post by scrapngranny on Nov 24, 2019 3:36:33 GMT
13 year old girls have friend drama. It part of being a teen girl.
You have let her know you are there to listen, she not ready yet. Unless you have reason to believe someone is in some sort of real crisis, I’d leave it alone. You know your daughter, when you feel she is not handling it ok, then step in. Teen drama can be over as fast as it started. It’s part of learning how to manage feelings.
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,087
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Post by AllieC on Nov 24, 2019 3:40:32 GMT
My dd went through all of this and my best advice is you need to let it go. Not sure what you think you could do anyway because getting involved is not the answer. You have let your daughter know she can talk to you which is great but don’t keep going on about it as it’s a sure fire way for her to shut down.
It’s tough to see our kids going through hard times but it is a part of growing up.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,147
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Post by pilcas on Nov 24, 2019 3:46:06 GMT
I agree with everyone else. These are normal things that teens go through and they really have to handle them their own way. I know as moms we want to have heart to heart conversations and be their confidants but It doesn’t always work out that way.
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Post by nlwilkins on Nov 24, 2019 8:29:29 GMT
Give her a hug, say you love her and have her back and let it go. Chances are you will never know what happened, but something did and the friendship might be over. This is something that she will learn to handle as she grows older but at 13 it is hard and sad.
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Post by Basket1lady on Nov 24, 2019 9:04:34 GMT
It may not have been something that your DD did. When I was about that age, my BFF started experimenting with smoking and marijuana. I distanced myself from her pretty quickly and the relationship fizzled out. At 13, I would respect your DD and just be a support to her.
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Post by christine58 on Nov 24, 2019 11:19:15 GMT
Just leave her be...
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 15:22:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2019 12:44:46 GMT
I'm a bit on the fence here as what I once believed with letting it go and letting the girls figure things out. My DD's situation turned into one where I had to notify the other girl's parents to get their kid under control or I was going to have to notify law enforcement about harassment charges. Yes, friendship drama is a part of teen girls growing up and they have to learn to navigate. However, I would considering checks DD's phone to see if anything is happening via social media. This where my DD's so called friend was pulling in other groups of girls and relentlessly bullying my kid to an extent she was telling DD to go kill herself because she wasn't relevant. A teen isn't equipped to handle this kind of emotional abuse and need help even when they think they don't. Also, parents need to understand teens can be charged with cyberbullying as young as 12 - first offense being a misdemeanor and the second occurrence being a felony.
Sometimes you have to get involved and know what is happening then decide whether to let the girls handle it or not.
I know our situation is not the norm but middle school girls can be vicious in ways that make your skin crawl.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,314
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Nov 24, 2019 12:54:58 GMT
My daughter and her BFF broke up and never spoke for over a year. They were part of the same friend's group so it was awkward for them. Long story short, her mom and myself held an "intervention" of sorts. We thought at 12 turning 13 that year they would work it out. We held a meeting and the things that caused the rift were minor but they admitted that after time went by they didn't know how to fix it and get comfortable with each other again. They cried, they hugged, they said sorry, they cried etc. It took a couple of awkward months but after breaking that barrier they are now BFFs again. They are having the best freshman year of high school. My daughter has other friends come and go but none like this BFF and none that I would force her to face head on like this one. It also only worked because the other girl's mom felt the same way. Both girls thanked us for making them talk to each other and air it all out. They also told their mutual friend group what happened. The other girls also felt the weight lift when they reconciled.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 24, 2019 14:37:17 GMT
I'm a bit on the fence here as what I once believed with letting it go and letting the girls figure things out. My DD's situation turned into one where I had to notify the other girl's parents to get their kid under control or I was going to have to notify law enforcement about harassment charges. Yes, friendship drama is a part of teen girls growing up and they have to learn to navigate. However, I would considering checks DD's phone to see if anything is happening via social media. This where my DD's so called friend was pulling in other groups of girls and relentlessly bullying my kid to an extent she was telling DD to go kill herself because she wasn't relevant. A teen isn't equipped to handle this kind of emotional abuse and need help even when they think they don't. Also, parents need to understand teens can be charged with cyberbullying as young as 12 - first offense being a misdemeanor and the second occurrence being a felony. Sometimes you have to get involved and know what is happening then decide whether to let the girls handle it or not. I know our situation is not the norm but middle school girls can be vicious in ways that make your skin crawl. This is how I feel too. Sometimes the kids can work it out on their own and other times things can escalate into dangerous situations. Kids can be really mean and REALLY dumb, and not realize or understand just how hurtful and dangerous their words can be to other kids. |
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 24, 2019 14:44:37 GMT
Definitely leave it be...unless you see other concerns, i'd give her some space and not keep asking. I had the teen who didn't like to share much, you can't change it. My advice would be to let it go, but keep her close. Ask her to a movie or out to lunch. Just be there for her, enjoy some time with her, but don't talk friendship  |
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