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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 22, 2019 21:50:49 GMT
Knowing she is 25 and not a teen I would lose it too. My dad never allowed me to angry or sad. It was frustrating. Your post resonates w/me. I was punished for being angry or sad. To this day I rarely if ever do not cry. In fact, anger is a valid emotion and sometimes we need to express it.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 22, 2019 21:57:41 GMT
I suppose I'm allowed to be angry, but mine usually manifests as 'talking it to death' according to my husband. He says I can't let it go and keep going over and over what was done. His version of 'calm down' I guess. Men don't deal well with angry women.
Your anger is this situation was certainly justified - at both your daughter and your husband.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 22, 2019 22:21:40 GMT
Knowing she is 25 and not a teen I would lose it too. My dad never allowed me to angry or sad. It was frustrating. Your post resonates w/me. I was punished for being angry or sad. To this day I rarely if ever do not cry. In fact, anger is a valid emotion and sometimes we need to express it. Group hug. My inability to show anger stems directly from the home I was raised in, not the family I live with now. Anger (from kids) was absolutely not allowed. Add to that that my parents yelled a lot. So I absolutely do not raise my voice ever. It’s kind of my fault because my default is happy and joy. I have to work to model healthy negative emotions for my daughter. Sometimes I wonder what absolutely losing it would feel like. Anyway, I’d definitely feel disrespected and would be having a talk with my daughter.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Dec 22, 2019 23:27:48 GMT
At 25 any child SHOULD know better.... I say any because either, male or female, should know better!
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Dec 23, 2019 1:29:53 GMT
I would have been pissed too.
My husband can totally have a shitty day, be a complete SOB but yeah if I'm having a crappy day well you'd think it was the end of the world.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Dec 23, 2019 2:15:04 GMT
I'll validate being pissed that your wet laundry was left on the dryer. However, the "not allowed to be angry" only happens if you allow it. This is something only you can fix. You have to advocate for yourself and your feelings and don't let your family brush it off. You will have to teach them since they don't seem to have learned this yet.
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Post by maryland on Dec 23, 2019 2:32:15 GMT
I could have written every word you did. I am not allowed to get mad either. Dad is, kids are, but I am not. Very frustrating! I thought maybe because I am a sahm, they all think I do nothing all day, and have it so easy so why should I ever get mad. I thought it was only me. They wonder why I can't stand to decorate for Christmas. It's because they are so messy, and having all the Christmas clutter out makes the house even more of a disaster. I better stop, but I could go on!
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Post by peasapie on Dec 23, 2019 2:34:27 GMT
Yeah that phrase, “Calm down” is the classic marginalizing expression. Running a close second is, “I think you’re overreacting.”
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Post by kernriver on Dec 23, 2019 3:01:57 GMT
Just to add to the list, once when I was totally fed up with my family not taking their used dishes to the sink, I gathered up all of the dishes and threw them away. Took each dinner plate and crashed it into the garbage can. Every salad plate, bread and butter plate, tea cup and saucer was smashed to bits. I felt much better and my kids (then about 9 and 16) steered clear of me for a long while. We ate off paper plates for a long time.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Dec 23, 2019 3:15:43 GMT
I get angry sometimes. I'm very irritable of late.
But I wasn't allowed to be angry during my childhood. Ever. Even as a teen. I was punished and/or mocked if I became angry (by my mother). I couldn't be anything but happy. This has been a huge deal in my life, and I'm still coping with it at 57. Everyone has the right to get angry.
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Post by maryland on Dec 23, 2019 4:41:35 GMT
Just to add to the list, once when I was totally fed up with my family not taking their used dishes to the sink, I gathered up all of the dishes and threw them away. Took each dinner plate and crashed it into the garbage can. Every salad plate, bread and butter plate, tea cup and saucer was smashed to bits. I felt much better and my kids (then about 9 and 16) steered clear of me for a long while. We ate off paper plates for a long time. I love that!
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,467
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Dec 23, 2019 4:58:29 GMT
I will 100% validate you.
I flipped my shit today because my 8 year old, who poops and pees herself fairly often (due to her lack of desire to use the toilet, she holds herself and ends up pooping her pants because she is chronically constipated) put her laundry in the laundry room. I was loading REEKING clothing into the washer and found undies with poop still in them. Yelled at her to get them cleaned out and into the washer properly. She did. I apparently missed something because as I was flipping the laundry, it smelled of shit. There was shit smeared across clothes, on the window in the front of my washer, in the gasket was poop water and a chunk of shit. I lost my ever loving mind and exploded. She saw no issue at all with what I found. I made HER clean out my washer, the gasket, the window, and reload the washer with borax, vinegar, and detergent and wash all the clothes again. It was so disgusting, I almost vomited. It was all her clothes so whatever. If she wants to smell like shit all the time, that’s on her! We’ve gone over the expectation that if she pees or poops herself, she is to clean it up IMMEDIATELY and get the washed out clothing into the washer to be washed. She refuses to comply.
I’m at an absolute loss as to what to do with/for her. Psych says there is nothing wrong. Ped says she’s normal. I completely disagree with them both but what do I know? I’m just mom.
Anyway, I validate you.
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Post by nysparkle on Dec 23, 2019 5:15:42 GMT
I’m at an absolute loss as to what to do with/for her. Psych says there is nothing wrong. Ped says she’s normal. I completely disagree with them both but what do I know? I’m just mom. I lived this with my dd. It is so frustrating I know. My dd is an adult now but it took a lifetime to find out she is gluten intolerant. In my search for answers I took her to a nutritionist who put her on a whole grain diet. Whole wheat bread and pasta made her so sick. When I told this to the nutritionist she suggested my dd may have a wheat allergy. My granddaughter is the same and benefits from a gluten free diet. You may want to try an elimination diet and see if you can find the food that is causing this. The pain of the constipation is causing the reluctance to use the bathroom. I think you know that already. Hugs to you and I hope I helped.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,467
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Dec 23, 2019 5:28:24 GMT
I’m at an absolute loss as to what to do with/for her. Psych says there is nothing wrong. Ped says she’s normal. I completely disagree with them both but what do I know? I’m just mom. I lived this with my dd. It is so frustrating I know. My dd is an adult now but it took a lifetime to find out she is gluten intolerant. In my search for answers I took her to a nutritionist who put her on a whole grain diet. Whole wheat bread and pasta made her so sick. When I told this to the nutritionist she suggested my dd may have a wheat allergy. My granddaughter is the same and benefits from a gluten free diet. You may want to try an elimination diet and see if you can find the food that is causing this. The pain of the constipation is causing the reluctance to use the bathroom. I think you know that already. Hugs to you and I hope I helped. Glad to know I’m not alone! It is soooooo frustrating! I questioned the doctor about food allergies. They did a full blood panel to check and nothing came up. They specifically looked for gluten and dairy. She lives on carbs so it very well could be intolerance. She claims that there is no pain and it doesn’t hurt to poop. She takes 15mg exlax nightly! There is very little she will eat because she’s super picky and being 8 and barely 45 lbs we need her to eat anything she will! We eat very little processed food, mostly home cooked/home made.
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Post by mikewozowski on Dec 23, 2019 5:34:23 GMT
i don't keep my cool all the time. i get mad and people know it. they may not know why though. apparently i have a pretty regular habit of giving a big heavy sign when people are here sitting on their asses when there is stuff needing to be done. yes, i could use my words to tell them, but they could use their eyes and look around and find something needing to be done and DO IT!
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Post by nysparkle on Dec 23, 2019 5:46:56 GMT
They did a full blood panel to check and nothing came up. They specifically looked for gluten and dairy. My dd,my grand dd and myself all test negative for dairy, wheat and celiac issues. Yet we follow a gluten free diet and have all improved gut health. We just went on the diet ourselves despite the fact the tests did not show anything. I was the first and the doctor said if it's working keep it up. My dd and grand- dd get off the diet sometimes and then they see they really should stay on it. The constipation comes back when they go off the diet. It's hard especially for kids and for picky eaters like your dd.I had other symptoms as well that went away when I went gluten free. I had itchy inner ears and it drove me nuts. That disappeared when I went GF. I'm glad your dd is not in pain. Now her behavior with the laundry is another issue and I would have lost it too. Check out celiac.org/about-celiac-disease/symptoms-of-celiac-disease/ on the possibility it could be Celiac. Blood tests are not reliable though. An endoscopy is the only way to prove it's Celiac.
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tuesdaysgone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,832
Jun 26, 2014 18:26:03 GMT
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Post by tuesdaysgone on Dec 23, 2019 11:19:05 GMT
I'm a fairly even keeled person, but on the very rare occasion when I do lose it my DH acts like I'm a shrieking harpy. Of course this makes me even madder. He is very moody and I take his moods in stride, but I'm expected to keep everything in check.
I never thought about this being a product of my upbringing, but when I think about it, I wasn't allowed to get angry as a child.
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pancakes
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,993
Feb 4, 2015 6:49:53 GMT
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Post by pancakes on Dec 23, 2019 11:38:33 GMT
Your feelings are totally legit. I would only do that to someone in a laundromat if they had left their clothes in the washer for 15+ minutes after and I had made efforts to find who they were. Regardless, this isn’t even applicable in this situation on every level.
If I wasn’t sure what was supposed to be hung to dry, I’d look at the labels. It’s not that hard. And she could have easily called you. Your daughter is just reverting back to her dependent self when she comes home and your husband’s decision to tell her to do this was just completely off base.
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Post by Merge on Dec 23, 2019 14:12:03 GMT
I'm a fairly even keeled person, but on the very rare occasion when I do lose it my DH acts like I'm a shrieking harpy. Of course this makes me even madder. He is very moody and I take his moods in stride, but I'm expected to keep everything in check.
I never thought about this being a product of my upbringing, but when I think about it, I wasn't allowed to get angry as a child.
Same. And to be fair - I have been a shrieking harpy at times. Anxiety often manifests as anger that way. Medication and therapy have helped a lot. BUT therapy also helped me realize that growing up in an environment where expressions of anger weren't allowed at all left me with no model for how an adult appropriately expresses anger or resolves it. I think this was very common in past years and has contributed to the rise of explosive children in the classroom - adults who don't know how to express anger appropriately raise kids who don't know, either.
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Post by mustlovecats on Dec 23, 2019 14:18:26 GMT
I will 100% validate you. I flipped my shit today because my 8 year old, who poops and pees herself fairly often (due to her lack of desire to use the toilet, she holds herself and ends up pooping her pants because she is chronically constipated) put her laundry in the laundry room. I was loading REEKING clothing into the washer and found undies with poop still in them. Yelled at her to get them cleaned out and into the washer properly. She did. I apparently missed something because as I was flipping the laundry, it smelled of shit. There was shit smeared across clothes, on the window in the front of my washer, in the gasket was poop water and a chunk of shit. I lost my ever loving mind and exploded. She saw no issue at all with what I found. I made HER clean out my washer, the gasket, the window, and reload the washer with borax, vinegar, and detergent and wash all the clothes again. It was so disgusting, I almost vomited. It was all her clothes so whatever. If she wants to smell like shit all the time, that’s on her! We’ve gone over the expectation that if she pees or poops herself, she is to clean it up IMMEDIATELY and get the washed out clothing into the washer to be washed. She refuses to comply. I’m at an absolute loss as to what to do with/for her. Psych says there is nothing wrong. Ped says she’s normal. I completely disagree with them both but what do I know? I’m just mom. Anyway, I validate you. You need another doctor. This is an actual medical condition and is treatable. Your doctor and psychologist are both wrong. The chronic constipation causes her to be unable to properly interpret to her body’s signals to eliminate because it is stretching out the last part of the colon. She probably doesn’t realize she is eliminating until it is far too late. THen she is ashamed and embarrassed and doesn’t deal with it properly because it’s psychologically easier to just put poopy underwear in the hamper and pretend it doesn’t exist. It is treated with medication and behavioral intervention. It doesn’t have to be like this for any of you.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,125
Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on Dec 23, 2019 14:20:09 GMT
i am allowed to get mad - but try not to. it feels like a loss of control to me. i also have an ex that was quick to anger and thought it was his worst quality so i think i put additional pressure on myself not to. however, sometimes the stress bubbles over - lost it on my 14 year old last week (mr. last minute, don't worry, i got it mom). he didn't give me a hard time - but i felt just a little bit bad after. i am over that feeling now. as for laundry, i second the fact these people we raised can text us for *any* thought that goes thru their head. it was selfish behaviour and rude.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on Dec 23, 2019 14:30:31 GMT
I will 100% validate you. I flipped my shit today because my 8 year old, who poops and pees herself fairly often (due to her lack of desire to use the toilet, she holds herself and ends up pooping her pants because she is chronically constipated) put her laundry in the laundry room. I was loading REEKING clothing into the washer and found undies with poop still in them. Yelled at her to get them cleaned out and into the washer properly. She did. I apparently missed something because as I was flipping the laundry, it smelled of shit. There was shit smeared across clothes, on the window in the front of my washer, in the gasket was poop water and a chunk of shit. I lost my ever loving mind and exploded. She saw no issue at all with what I found. I made HER clean out my washer, the gasket, the window, and reload the washer with borax, vinegar, and detergent and wash all the clothes again. It was so disgusting, I almost vomited. It was all her clothes so whatever. If she wants to smell like shit all the time, that’s on her! We’ve gone over the expectation that if she pees or poops herself, she is to clean it up IMMEDIATELY and get the washed out clothing into the washer to be washed. She refuses to comply. I’m at an absolute loss as to what to do with/for her. Psych says there is nothing wrong. Ped says she’s normal. I completely disagree with them both but what do I know? I’m just mom. Anyway, I validate you. At 8 years old my dd was doing similar things with her undies at her dads. She was afraid of her stepmom she frequently had accidents and then panicked on what to do with her soiled clothing so she would hide them. He is now almost 16 years old and I’m still only just now finding out the level of terror he lived with. He’s never done this at my house. Losing your shit on an 8 year old? Probably a bad idea because no kid really enjoys shitting themselves. Just sayin. Also, this is completely different than what the op is dealing with. She has a discourteous adult daughter who knows better. Your kid is still a kid and still learning.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,467
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Dec 23, 2019 16:25:41 GMT
I will 100% validate you. I flipped my shit today because my 8 year old, who poops and pees herself fairly often (due to her lack of desire to use the toilet, she holds herself and ends up pooping her pants because she is chronically constipated) put her laundry in the laundry room. I was loading REEKING clothing into the washer and found undies with poop still in them. Yelled at her to get them cleaned out and into the washer properly. She did. I apparently missed something because as I was flipping the laundry, it smelled of shit. There was shit smeared across clothes, on the window in the front of my washer, in the gasket was poop water and a chunk of shit. I lost my ever loving mind and exploded. She saw no issue at all with what I found. I made HER clean out my washer, the gasket, the window, and reload the washer with borax, vinegar, and detergent and wash all the clothes again. It was so disgusting, I almost vomited. It was all her clothes so whatever. If she wants to smell like shit all the time, that’s on her! We’ve gone over the expectation that if she pees or poops herself, she is to clean it up IMMEDIATELY and get the washed out clothing into the washer to be washed. She refuses to comply. I’m at an absolute loss as to what to do with/for her. Psych says there is nothing wrong. Ped says she’s normal. I completely disagree with them both but what do I know? I’m just mom. Anyway, I validate you. You need another doctor. This is an actual medical condition and is treatable. Your doctor and psychologist are both wrong. The chronic constipation causes her to be unable to properly interpret to her body’s signals to eliminate because it is stretching out the last part of the colon. She probably doesn’t realize she is eliminating until it is far too late. THen she is ashamed and embarrassed and doesn’t deal with it properly because it’s psychologically easier to just put poopy underwear in the hamper and pretend it doesn’t exist. It is treated with medication and behavioral intervention. It doesn’t have to be like this for any of you. I know! I keep pushing for a pediatric gastro. They did miralax and lactulose. Never actually saw her, only over the phone. We’ve seen 2 different psychologists and they were more interested in how to parent.... don’t yell, remove child from situation when not listening, time outs, give choices... than figuring out the root of the holding.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,467
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Dec 23, 2019 16:32:25 GMT
I will 100% validate you. I flipped my shit today because my 8 year old, who poops and pees herself fairly often (due to her lack of desire to use the toilet, she holds herself and ends up pooping her pants because she is chronically constipated) put her laundry in the laundry room. I was loading REEKING clothing into the washer and found undies with poop still in them. Yelled at her to get them cleaned out and into the washer properly. She did. I apparently missed something because as I was flipping the laundry, it smelled of shit. There was shit smeared across clothes, on the window in the front of my washer, in the gasket was poop water and a chunk of shit. I lost my ever loving mind and exploded. She saw no issue at all with what I found. I made HER clean out my washer, the gasket, the window, and reload the washer with borax, vinegar, and detergent and wash all the clothes again. It was so disgusting, I almost vomited. It was all her clothes so whatever. If she wants to smell like shit all the time, that’s on her! We’ve gone over the expectation that if she pees or poops herself, she is to clean it up IMMEDIATELY and get the washed out clothing into the washer to be washed. She refuses to comply. I’m at an absolute loss as to what to do with/for her. Psych says there is nothing wrong. Ped says she’s normal. I completely disagree with them both but what do I know? I’m just mom. Anyway, I validate you. At 8 years old my dd was doing similar things with her undies at her dads. She was afraid of her stepmom she frequently had accidents and then panicked on what to do with her soiled clothing so she would hide them. He is now almost 16 years old and I’m still only just now finding out the level of terror he lived with. He’s never done this at my house. Losing your shit on an 8 year old? Probably a bad idea because no kid really enjoys shitting themselves. Just sayin. Also, this is completely different than what the op is dealing with. She has a discourteous adult daughter who knows better. Your kid is still a kid and still learning. Yes, I get that it’s not a good idea. My level of frustration got the best of me and I blew up. Normally I am fairly even keel. I had been dealing with her defiance and rudeness all damn day and had it by the time I got to the laundry. We’ve been trying to figure out how to help her with this issue for almost 6 years! My kid has never been left with anyone but dad and I. No babysitters, no daycare. She attends the school I work at. Brother is 3 and has no issues with using the bathroom appropriately. I also get it is different from OP. Her kid is absolutely and adult and I would have been LIVID if my kid did that. Two options for OP’s kid...Wait until I get home and I will flip my own laundry then kid can do theirs or call me/put mine in the dryer. No wet clothing should EVER be heaped up on the washer/dryer/counter to sit until it is discovered by the owner.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Dec 23, 2019 16:43:50 GMT
I'm a fairly even keeled person, but on the very rare occasion when I do lose it my DH acts like I'm a shrieking harpy. Of course this makes me even madder. He is very moody and I take his moods in stride, but I'm expected to keep everything in check.
I never thought about this being a product of my upbringing, but when I think about it, I wasn't allowed to get angry as a child.
Same. And to be fair - I have been a shrieking harpy at times. Anxiety often manifests as anger that way. Medication and therapy have helped a lot. BUT therapy also helped me realize that growing up in an environment where expressions of anger weren't allowed at all left me with no model for how an adult appropriately expresses anger or resolves it. I think this was very common in past years and has contributed to the rise of explosive children in the classroom - adults who don't know how to express anger appropriately raise kids who don't know, either. ^^^ ditto. No one raised their voice in our house when I was growing up. When someone got mad, they got QUIET. The anger / worry / whatever just simmered underneath the surface. Which sucked-- we didn't really communicate, and I never learned how to express my feelings. I grew up being the 'mediator' who would always try to fix things, so that's carried over into my adulthood. When I feel very strongly about something, I tend to get overly-emotional instead of getting angry (not good in a professional setting!). My DH grew up in a house that was the COMPLETE opposite- a disagreement would be more about who could be loudest to make themselves heard the most. I can express myself a bit more freely now, but yeah... it's still tough. Like when I get mad about something, it's apparently surprising-- "what's wrong with YOU?" And I feel like, "you can raise your voice if you're upset, but I can't?" really?!? (I also think that maybe since I take antidepressants, my DH believes that I won't ever have a bad day, feel sad, or be upset-- but that's not how they work!) OP, I totally validate you. What your DH and DD did was disrespectful to your belongings. If your DD didn't know what to do with your laundry, then they should have texted you, NOT just left them in a heap. I'd have been pissed, too.
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Post by chlerbie on Dec 23, 2019 20:14:47 GMT
I have very rarely truly lost my temper. I can think of three times. I don't get angry easily. That being said, I think this is partly because growing up (and carrying into my adulthood), if I ever got angry, my mother would cry and guilt trip the heck out of me, so I just never did it. And then I got into a relationship where I also wasn't allowed to be angry, so I just learned to "control" it.
My DH gets super defensive if he thinks I'm angry at him (and it's something that he's been working on, fortunately), so I suppose I still control it to a degree, but if I'm pissed at anything/anybody else, he's pretty supportive.
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Post by tyra on Dec 23, 2019 20:14:47 GMT
That would totally frustrate me. I wouldn't be able to NOT not get angry. Hell, I get bent out of shape when DH needs the dryer and takes my clothes out and leaves them in a ball on top of the dryer, making them horribly wrinkled instead of taking 2 minutes to at least hang the shirts. And my DH is like yours. He doesn't get it why I might be in a mood, or upset about something. Like another poster mentioned, DH is a fixer. He won't just let me be. He gets in moods occasionally, why can't I?
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Post by SockMonkey on Dec 23, 2019 20:47:16 GMT
Just the fact that I'm not is making me angry, lol. My 25 y/o dd came home for the holidays last night and, with my husband's approval, pulled my wet laundry out of the washer, stacked it in a heap on the dryer and proceeded to do her laundry - without putting mine in the dryer (why couldn't she put my clothes in the dryer? The world may never know). I walked by the laundry room about an hour ago and saw the pile of dampish clothes sitting there and I lost it. My dd was lucky she was out Christmas shopping because my head exploded. My younger two dds high-tailed it out as soon as they could see me losing my mind and my dh was like "what's the big deal?" and then said my favorite phrase: "calm down." I'm not a person who gets angry a lot. I don't fly off the handle; I don't yell and scream. My kids would whip into line when I did yell because they knew I really, really meant it when I yelled. I resent that 1. no one seemed to think it would be a big deal to leave the wet clothes out overnight (would they have done that to a stranger in a laundromat?) and 2. when I get angry, it's not valid or acceptable. They are all allowed to have their various tantrums but I'm overwrought and hysterical when I have one of my very few and far between outbursts. Gah! I'm so annoyed (but it does feel good to type it out!) Uh, I'd have been enraged, too. A 25 year old grown ass quarter of a century alive woman should know WAY BETTER than to do that. The disrespect! And for your DH to say "What's the big deal" and "Calm down?"
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,277
Jun 29, 2014 3:29:30 GMT
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Dec 23, 2019 23:41:19 GMT
You have the right and ability to think, feel and act as you please. How other people react to it is THEIR business. What I find is that most women have sacrificed their emotions for peace in relationships. Regardless, we all have a choice. It just depends on whether we are willing to deal with the consequences.
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Post by scrappinmom3 on Dec 24, 2019 5:25:34 GMT
Exactly this!!!!!!!! How it pisses me off even more. I also do not get angry often so how dare someone (my dh has said it as well as my brother) say that to me. And, it’s usual after I have politely asked no less than 57 times for something to be done.
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