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Post by tracyarts on Jan 18, 2020 16:03:39 GMT
Did your mom select the option of having DNA matches reported? I've done Ancestry and 23 and me. I have hundreds of distant matches on each, but none closer than potential second cousins. The reports should show at least distant relatives if you opt-in to receive matches. Maybe check to see that she is set to receive matches. I bought my Mum a test as she wants to find out some details about her father. She was raised by her grandmother and never knew her father or was told anything about him. She was never allowed to mention him or ask any questions so doesn't really have anything to go on. She does know his name as it is on her birth certificate but it is such a common name that it's too hard to trace anything. She did the test over a year ago and so far has had absolutely no response or matches at all. I'm surprised how many of you seem to get so much information and sad for my Mum that it looks like she will never find anything out. I'll just have to hope that something pops up at some stage.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,664
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Jan 18, 2020 17:44:52 GMT
My mom had an aunt and uncle who adopted a baby at birth. They never told him he was adopted. But we all knew. This is something I've always thought about. I don't know how common it is now, but growing up many people who adopted didn't tell the child, but everyone in their family knew about the adoption. I had a friend who was raised by his grandparents but his "sister" was actually his mother; EVERYONE knew, family, people in the community, his friends... but he didn't. How was such a secret kept? and for so long?
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katybee
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jun 25, 2014 23:25:39 GMT
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Post by katybee on Jan 18, 2020 18:25:58 GMT
I have ZERO doubt that my dad is my biological father—because my brothers and I look just like him. But I do wonder if I have any other siblings out there...I don’t think he was exactly faithful...
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Post by cadoodlebug on Jan 18, 2020 19:20:29 GMT
My mom had an aunt and uncle who adopted a baby at birth. They never told him he was adopted. But we all knew. This is something I've always thought about. I don't know how common it is now, but growing up many people who adopted didn't tell the child, but everyone in their family knew about the adoption. I had a friend who was raised by his grandparents but his "sister" was actually his mother; EVERYONE knew, family, people in the community, his friends... but he didn't. How was such a secret kept? and for so long? My aunt and uncle told their next door neighbor because they were good friends. Years later they had a huge falling out and he always threatened to tell Raymond that he was adopted. So for many years they lived in fear. For all I know they might have told him before they died but I doubt it.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jan 18, 2020 21:35:25 GMT
My sister was given one as a gift. I won't do them, because no one needs that much info about me. Anyway, turns out that we have absolutely nothing interesting in our DNA. We don't have any long lost relatives w/billions of dollars who are looking for us. Our bio parents are our bio parents. Whoopdeedoo.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jan 18, 2020 21:37:14 GMT
This is something I've always thought about. I don't know how common it is now, but growing up many people who adopted didn't tell the child, but everyone in their family knew about the adoption. I had a friend who was raised by his grandparents but his "sister" was actually his mother; EVERYONE knew, family, people in the community, his friends... but he didn't. How was such a secret kept? and for so long? My aunt and uncle told their next door neighbor because they were good friends. Years later they had a huge falling out and he always threatened to tell Raymond that he was adopted. So for many years they lived in fear. For all I know they might have told him before they died but I doubt it. I think that adopted kids have the right to know. Plus, it's just a good idea. The more genetic medical information you have, the better. Adopted children are just as loved and very wanted. So, tell them the truth.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Jan 18, 2020 23:13:55 GMT
Adopted children are just as loved and very wanted. So, tell them the truth. I think telling the truth way back then wasn't as popular as it is now.
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Orangutan
Junior Member
Posts: 72
Location: Australia
Dec 21, 2019 6:03:37 GMT
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Post by Orangutan on Jan 18, 2020 23:58:56 GMT
Did your mom select the option of having DNA matches reported? I've done Ancestry and 23 and me. I have hundreds of distant matches on each, but none closer than potential second cousins. The reports should show at least distant relatives if you opt-in to receive matches. Maybe check to see that she is set to receive matches. I bought my Mum a test as she wants to find out some details about her father. She was raised by her grandmother and never knew her father or was told anything about him. She was never allowed to mention him or ask any questions so doesn't really have anything to go on. She does know his name as it is on her birth certificate but it is such a common name that it's too hard to trace anything. She did the test over a year ago and so far has had absolutely no response or matches at all. I'm surprised how many of you seem to get so much information and sad for my Mum that it looks like she will never find anything out. I'll just have to hope that something pops up at some stage. Thanks for that info. I don't know what she has set so I will go and check it out for her. I bought a test for my Dad at the same time and he has had some matches. Maybe she missed selecting that option on hers.
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Post by pjaye on Jan 19, 2020 3:10:49 GMT
Coming from a family that had a few babies born on the wrong side of the sheets, I am always surprised that people are so definite about where they come from and who their ancestors are. I've always known that my Dad wasn't my biological father, but I had no memories of bio Dad so it would have been very easy not to tell me the truth. My mother has friends she's known for over 50 years who have no idea that the man they knew wasn't my father. Therefore I find it very odd that people never once think about the possibility that their parents or grandparents may not be their biological relatives before they do a test like this. I also don't understand this whole "shattered my life" drama queen attitude Your family are still your family, your relationships to those people are unchanged, the only difference is your biology...and biology does not make or break a family all on it's own.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 21:04:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2020 3:31:41 GMT
I did the test hoping to find “my” real parents. No such luck. The people that I lived with were my real parents. I was hoping for half siblings, nope none of those either. Nope family on my father’s father side. Very sad.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 21:04:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2020 5:57:44 GMT
It's hard to see how many families have been rocked by finding these "good family men and women" were cheating all along.
Wonder how many of them were elders or "responsible leaders" in the patriarchal system telling other good people how to live their lives.
It's happened all through time. "Do as I say, not as I do (in secret)."
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Post by candleangie on Jan 19, 2020 6:32:42 GMT
Coming from a family that had a few babies born on the wrong side of the sheets, I am always surprised that people are so definite about where they come from and who their ancestors are. I've always known that my Dad wasn't my biological father, but I had no memories of bio Dad so it would have been very easy not to tell me the truth. My mother has friends she's known for over 50 years who have no idea that the man they knew wasn't my father. Therefore I find it very odd that people never once think about the possibility that their parents or grandparents may not be their biological relatives before they do a test like this. I also don't understand this whole "shattered my life" drama queen attitude Your family are still your family, your relationships to those people are unchanged, the only difference is your biology...and biology does not make or break a family all on it's own. Now imagine that your relationship with your family is rocky, damaged or damaging, and you’re insecure about your place in the family to begin with.
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Post by pjaye on Jan 19, 2020 7:54:04 GMT
Now imagine that your relationship with your family is rocky, damaged or damaging, and you’re insecure about your place in the family to begin with I don't need to 'imagine" anything. If you have that sort of family, then you should be thinking long and hard about the implications of a DNA test, don't shake the tree if you are not prepared to deal with any truths that fall out.
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Post by sleepingbooty on Jan 19, 2020 8:25:42 GMT
I also don't understand this whole "shattered my life" drama queen attitude Your family are still your family, your relationships to those people are unchanged, the only difference is your biology...and biology does not make or break a family all on it's own. It isn't this easy in most cases. Some people come from toxic families or never felt like they fit in and the idea that another one they genetically belong to is out there can bring such an amount of hope and fantasy that the ensuing non-idyllic (and that's a euphemism) outcome is heartbreaking. The final door to a happy end is shut down and you're sort of left alone forever. Also, identity isn't a straightforward, stand-on-your-own kind of thing. Identity is built upon shared knowledge and understanding of what this knowledge about your past beyond your own existence entails. There are plenty of studies and a lot of work done to find the best ways to help avoid identity breakdown for adoptees as they grow up by trying to prevent the break from the initial story they come from to happen, both culturally and individually when possible by keeping some sort of tie to the birth family (and contact management as well so it doesn't become overbearing). When you feel like who you are is suddenly slipping away from you, it's a terrible thing. Your mental health can take such a major hit from this. There is nothing drama queen-ish about this. It isn't some sort of woe-is-me scenario. It genuinely can be and often is life-changing for the individual and I don't mean in the two-Christmas-celebrations kind of way. Alas, most of these family reunions don't have the Hallmark movie ending longevity and turn sour in the longer run. I imagine you didn't go through this or you'd very likely have expressed more empathy towards those who did. You are a lucky person but please don't make assumptions from your position of privilege in this situation. It is a difficult experience that takes years - if not a lifetime - to recover from if you ever fully do. Here is a well-written article about the identity-shattering experience after a DNA test on the Atlantic. This one has a happy ending. Many stories don't. Rejection, denial, disinterest, toxic dynamics you suddenly step into, etc. It's often ugly and incredibly disheartening.
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Post by pjaye on Jan 19, 2020 9:23:47 GMT
I imagine you didn't go through this or you'd very likely have expressed more empathy towards those who did. You are a lucky person but please don't make assumptions from your position of privilege in this situation and what "position of privilege" exactly am I in? The DNA tests we are discussing here are completely voluntary. If you have the shit family or feelings of not belonging, or any of that other stuff, then don't pay for the test...it really is that simple. If your identity is that fragile, then why are you voluntarily taking your chances of screwing yourself up even more with a DNA test?
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Post by sleepingbooty on Jan 19, 2020 9:40:34 GMT
I imagine you didn't go through this or you'd very likely have expressed more empathy towards those who did. You are a lucky person but please don't make assumptions from your position of privilege in this situation and what "position of privilege" exactly am I in? The DNA tests we are discussing here are completely voluntary. If you have the shit family or feelings of not belonging, or any of that other stuff, then don't pay for the test...it really is that simple. If your identity is that fragile, then why are you voluntarily taking your chances of screwing yourself up even more with a DNA test? The position of privilege I evoked was that you likely weren't suddenly confronted to the fact that you come from a different genetic pool than the family you grew up in. Some people find out by surprise taking a DNA test for other reasons such as finding out their family's background. Some people have doubts but didn't realise it'd be such a shock to find out. Identity is fragile by nature, period. I pushed back against the "drama queen" comment, that's all. It can be shattering and that's not some overblown reaction to it. Identity crisis is no joke and can lead to serious depression. Mental health shouldn't be watered down to "drama queen" behaviour.
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Post by pjaye on Jan 19, 2020 11:35:02 GMT
The position of privilege I evoked was that you likely weren't suddenly confronted to the fact that you come from a different genetic pool than the family you grew up in. You have no idea what you are talking about. I lived it, I deal with it and my opinion on it is still that as an adult you make choices. You can choose to make it a big fucking deal and carry on like your life is "shattered" even though not a single thing has actually changed. Or you can just deal with the information like a gown up.
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Post by tara on Jan 19, 2020 13:36:35 GMT
I gave 23 and me to my mom for Xmas a few years ago. She comes from a long line of racists. She moved away from them when she was 17 and fortunately discovered her family was full of shit when it came to that thinking and raised me different. From my research I have reason to believe we have African American blood from way back and this was my shot to prove it! I was going to shout it out from the rooftops. I was going to put a billboard up at Times Square saying we have black blood. It was my way of letting them know be careful of who you hate. It might end up being yourself or someone you love. Mom did it twice and each time there was an error and they refunded my money. She swore she followed the directions but some people cannot be tested. I think she didn’t want to hurt her brothers and sisters or it could’ve been that she knew her dad had other kids and she didn’t want to go down that road. Sadly she died in November so I’ll never get the chance to rock my racist family’s world. If I take it they’ll just say it came from my dads side.
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,411
Jun 26, 2014 12:50:12 GMT
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Post by theshyone on Jan 19, 2020 13:47:15 GMT
A decade ago now, an older sister I didn’t know existed showed up on mom’s doorstep. ALberta h ad changed laws, and mom needed to fill paperwork out to opt out of info being provided. She never did, and my oldest sister showed up. My family is a nut show anyway, but truly her showing up rocked my world more than years later doing ancestry and finding out who my father was, and getting denied by his kids. I don’t know why but her finding mom was a real shock to me. Out of all the rumours I’d heard in my life, she wasn’t one of them. I think part of it was she was given to a much better home with two parents that wanted and loved her. Yet my mom kept me in a single parent, abusive, poverty stricken home.
Logically I realize giving babies away for adoption is hard mentally. I had fantasied my childhood that my “real family” would come find me and take me back. Mom had told me I was found under a rock.
I realize things like this may “shakeup” an idealic view of a “perfect family”, but consider how positive it might be for that other person. The one on the other side. The one that grew up feeling alone, unloved, not fitting in.
My oldest sister was able to find her birth father through ancestry testing. He never knew she existed, but he and his kids have warmly welcomed her. I don’t think the shit show that was my mom and my other sisters was quite what she was expecting.
Be kind.
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Post by christine58 on Jan 19, 2020 13:49:52 GMT
If you have that sort of family, then you should be thinking long and hard about the implications of a DNA test, don't shake the tree if you are not prepared to deal with any truths that fall out. This is exactly what my mom told her brothers. But she has found some 2/3rd cousins and one in particular has a lot of the history already done on my gram's family in Ireland.
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Post by librarylady on Jan 19, 2020 22:12:57 GMT
theshyoneI am so sad that your mother was not a loving one, and that you were brought up in such a home. I hope as an adult you are in a loving home and thumbing your nose at the person who failed you.
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Jan 19, 2020 23:22:26 GMT
Maybe because my mom was adopted and always knew she was, I have a different attitude about family. Family is who raises you, or who you love or loves you. I honestly wouldn’t react like my entire existence was damanged if I found out that I wasn’t a blood relative of someone in family.
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Post by mama2three on Jan 20, 2020 3:51:55 GMT
My mom had an aunt and uncle who adopted a baby at birth. They never told him he was adopted. But we all knew. This is something I've always thought about. I don't know how common it is now, but growing up many people who adopted didn't tell the child, but everyone in their family knew about the adoption. I had a friend who was raised by his grandparents but his "sister" was actually his mother; EVERYONE knew, family, people in the community, his friends... but he didn't. How was such a secret kept? and for so long? There’s a teenager I know in this situation. Her “mother” is really her grandmother and her “sister”, 14 years older, is really her mother. Apparently the girl does not know. I was told during a school registration when birth certificate had to be presented but asked to keep it quiet as the girl was not aware.
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TheOtherMeg
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,541
Jun 25, 2014 20:58:14 GMT
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Post by TheOtherMeg on Jan 20, 2020 4:55:38 GMT
For many people, the shock isn't the revealing of biological information, it's the revealing of emotional/psychological information. It's the revealing of lies -- both of commission and omission -- that shakes their world.
And it's easy to say, "Good grief, woman, snap out of it! Nothing has changed. YOU haven't changed!" But, come on, if the test revealed that one had been intentionally deceived, that IS upsetting. No healthy, normal person enjoys finding out they've been deceived.
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Post by stormycat on Jan 20, 2020 11:32:49 GMT
This is something I've always thought about. I don't know how common it is now, but growing up many people who adopted didn't tell the child, but everyone in their family knew about the adoption. I had a friend who was raised by his grandparents but his "sister" was actually his mother; EVERYONE knew, family, people in the community, his friends... but he didn't. How was such a secret kept? and for so long? There’s a teenager I know in this situation. Her “mother” is really her grandmother and her “sister”, 14 years older, is really her mother. Apparently the girl does not know. I was told during a school registration when birth certificate had to be presented but asked to keep it quiet as the girl was not aware. That is just horrible. What is going to happen when this girl finds out? I am assuming that the grandmother never adopted the girl, so it’s going to come out. That is such a betrayal. I have adopted 2 boys who are 3 and 2. Although I haven’t told them yet because of their age, I will. I will sometimes say things like, when you came to me, I was in love. I also tell them everyday how lucky I am to be their mommy. It is a conversation I can’t wait to tell them, of how much they are loved and wanted. I can’t wait to tell them how much joy and happiness they bring to our lives. I dread telling them, well more so my older one as he was critically injured by his birth parents. I also have to tell them, their 3 older siblings were adopted by their grandparents, but due to my 3 yr old medical needs he couldn’t be. I have to tell them they no longer see their siblings because grandparents cut off all contact with us because the abuser is back on their lives. I have to tell them how their birth mom voluntarily signed her rights away for the younger one as she knew she was pregnant again and that if her case closed, she could keep the new baby, which she was able to btw. I will always been age appropriate honest with my boys as they get older. They may want to do tests later on to find other siblings, their birth mom is only 30 and had 6 kids already, 5 who were removed from her care for abuse and neglect. It’s a sad situation, but led to me having the greatest gifts ever. Heather
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Post by zuke on Jan 20, 2020 12:39:19 GMT
Adopted children are just as loved and very wanted. So, tell them the truth. I think telling the truth way back then wasn't as popular as it is now. Close friends of ours adopted a baby girl 32 years ago. I just recently found out that they never told her! The girl did a DNA test and found out that she has very little Italian in her dna. She questioned that and they made light of it. We questioned them of why they never told her. They said the time was never right. In your opinion, would it be better that they tell her now, or keep avoiding doing so? It can cause ill feelings but telling her now but also when they die and she finds out will also be bad. The relatives all know.
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Post by tiffanyr on Jan 20, 2020 14:09:40 GMT
In your opinion, would it be better that they tell her now, or keep avoiding doing so? It can cause ill feelings but telling her now but also when they die and she finds out will also be bad. The relatives all know. Everyone deserves to know their truth! She should be told!
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MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,506
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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Post by MorningPerson on Jan 20, 2020 14:22:44 GMT
In your opinion, would it be better that they tell her now, or keep avoiding doing so? It can cause ill feelings but telling her now but also when they die and she finds out will also be bad. The relatives all know. Everyone deserves to know their truth! She should be told! Yes, this really is a no brainer. It might be (very slightly) understandable to her as to why she hadn't been told before, but to deliberately withhold the truth when she is questioning things is cruel and hurtful. I think her trust would be shattered beyond repair if she does find out any other way than from her parents, and now.
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Post by Skellinton on Jan 20, 2020 14:40:15 GMT
I imagine you didn't go through this or you'd very likely have expressed more empathy towards those who did. You are a lucky person but please don't make assumptions from your position of privilege in this situation and what "position of privilege" exactly am I in? The DNA tests we are discussing here are completely voluntary. If you have the shit family or feelings of not belonging, or any of that other stuff, then don't pay for the test...it really is that simple. If your identity is that fragile, then why are you voluntarily taking your chances of screwing yourself up even more with a DNA test? Others have posted that they didn’t take the test, or people they know didn’t take the test, but they were still contacted. There is absolutely no doubt that my brother and I are biologically my father’s child. We both inherited an extremely odd physical abnormality from him that no one else in the family has. My brother is also the proverbial spitting image of my father. He is like a carbon copy down to the laugh and voice. I don’t look like my dad, but I do favor my mom. Weird that you think people should doubt their parentage. I doubt the percentage of parents fooling around and lying about who their kid belongs to isn’t that high.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jan 20, 2020 14:52:14 GMT
I know quite a few people who found out accidentally that they were adopted. None of those situations were pleasant, ALL because of the issue of lying. It wasn't about not being John and Jane's son or Mary and Sam's daughter. The DNA transfer was not the issue. It was about the fact that John and Jane and Mary and Sam (and everyone around them) lied. It made these adult children wonder what other lies had been told. It also deeply humiliated them to know that others -- people with whom they'd had lifelong relationships -- knew secrets about them and they did not. It made them question EVERY relationship with the adults who knew. Everything is re-examined through the new lens. That re-examination can be painful.
In one case, long ago, more than a century ago, the story was a common social lie of a married sister and unmarried sister taking a long visit to distant relatives and the married sister coming back with a baby. The common path at the time also included secrecy as the unmarried sister would have faced grave social and religious consequences for having a child outside of marriage. Every decent person would keep the secret to protect the unmarried woman's reputation. Twenty years later, when those social strictures were well still in place, a man found out his parents were actually his aunt and uncle. He was devastated by this lie, even though that was the norm at the time. His reaction was to pick up, pack up, leave home and never contact family or return again until his parents and his "aunt" were dead. That reaction seems extreme to me (and everyone who knew the family and him). In fact, his younger siblings ended up not being able to get over the pain he had caused their mother not knowing if her oldest son was alive or dead and ended up cutting HIM out not long after he reappeared in their lives expecting a hero's welcome.
But even though his reaction seems extreme to me...
One truth I have learned while going through life -- which is supposed to give one wisdom -- is that MY way of handling or reacting to a situation is not the only way nor sometimes even the most common.
IMO, it is a sign of wisdom, life experience, or basic compassion to understand that others may have different initial reactions than our own. And those differences are not only to be expected, but should be treated with compassion.
Just because I do not in my heart of hearts understand that reaction, doesn't also mean in my heart of hearts I cannot have compassion for the reaction of feeling devastated.
Being strong is not shown by telling grown adults how they should feel.
Being strong is about showing compassion when people are hurting, even if you do not understand their pain.
And it is a kind of strength that costs us nothing. It costs nothing to be kind.
If someone is being "weak" in your eyes, telling them so does nothing more than to make yourself feel superior at someone else's expense. And you need to ask why you need to feel superior to someone who is hurting. That need is on you and is not a sign of strength.
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