When the DNA test shatters your life

As I have posted, I am one of those people—my dad turned out not to be my biological father (my parents used a sperm donor). It was disorienting. I am glad it sounds like there are support groups developing.

TFS. I found that article so interesting.
I’m adopted and did 23 & Me but only did the countries of origin. I fear for what anything else that could surface.

This happened to my Mom. She found out the man that raised her wasn’t her bio father. All of my grandparents are deceased so we will never know how this happened. She was concerned her brothers and sister that she was raised with would treat her differently. They haven’t—she’s still the big sister. She has also met and has gotten pretty close to the 2 sisters with whom she shares the bio dad.

My Mom always wondered why she bore no resemblance to her siblings. She and I both look like her bio father. Since her parents divorced before she was a year old and her Dad raised her, it never occurred to her that he wasn’t her bio father.

Me, I’m not doing the dna testing because I don’t want to know if my Dad is not my bio father.

How did he not find out? Don't you have to provide a birth certificate to get a licence, passport etc?  



I'm assuming that the history of what happened to your mum that makes you concerned, because I can't imagine anyone having those concerns - unless they have reason to doubt their parentage for some reason. It must have been hard for your mum to find that out, especially because there was nobody alive who could answer her questions. 

I was at a memorial service yesterday. A gentleman stood up and shared a similar story. He discovered as an adult he was adopted. He was the brother of the man who died. The children in this family were split up. The man I knew went to foster care. There was another brother. The man speaking and the sister were adopted. He was so young he didn’t remember not being a member of that family and thought his sister was his cousin bc she kept the family name. It was a sad story, the bio mother died. I don’t remember what he said about bio dad.

He was devastated and confronted his mother. It turns out everyone in the town knew he was adopted except him. His mom was so upset so he never reached out to his biological family until she passed. That was 12 years ago.

Myself, Mum, Dad and DH have all done DNA tests.  All except Mum have discovered things we didn't know.  In all honesty it has made no difference to our lives what so ever.  We still consider the family's we have grown up with to be our families.  DH didn't know who his father was.  His Mum, who is alive and well, will not give him any information at all.  Ancestry DNA provided 2 x 1/2 siblings and through that we were able to work out who his father is.   He is deceased but we have been able to find a photo and DH looks just like him.  We haven't contacted the 1/2 siblings.  We are happy to talk to them if they contact us though.  

My test also confirmed who my biological father was.  I had been told in the heat of an argument between Mum and Dad, that Dad was not my biological father.  But he is still my Dad.  Nothing changes that.   

The biggest surprise was my Dad.  It showed no matches to his paternal side but many matches that didn't fit in anywhere.  We have now been able to work out who his biological father was.  But he still considers his Dad to be the one he grew up with.    We continue working on the family tree of the dad he grew up with and just consider the extra family to be a bonus.

Edited to add:

DH''s maternal grandmother was adopted and DH's test helped us discover who her biological parents were also.  She was adopted just prior to official records so without a surname we were unable to find any record of her birth.  Once we had a name, we were then able to find her birth and contact the church she was adopted through and confirm the adoption.

My father's family is huge and messed up. I would be surprised if everything comes out looking normal.

I have reasons for not wanting to test and I definitely find this part discouraging.

My son Nathaniel’s birth certificate that we were issued when we finalized his adoption looks just like the birth certificate of Matthew, whom I birthed. You’d never know they were different.

In Nathaniel’s case, he never had an original because his mom didn’t file one. So just before we finalized, they had to issue one that said “no name [her last name]” so there could be an “original” for them to then “cancel” and issue ours. In my filing cabinet and in his sealed court file are the only two places that “original” exists but in his case, it doesn’t tell him much. He legally didn’t have a name, and though we know who his father was, she didn’t file it so his name couldn’t be put on it either. It literally has her name and the date/place as the only two useful pieces of info.

It was over 65 years ago so I assume they somehow were put on the birth certificate as his parents.

Whatever I find out is information about myself that I didn't have. All I know about my origins is the day/time I was born and which hospital I was born in.

At this point, no matter how bad it is, it's better than never knowing anything. But I've only found a few second cousins so far, nobody closer than that.

It answered so many questions and filled some huge holes for me. I have no regrets in finding out what I did even though my half siblings are appalled.

This really stood out to me in the article “I’m not a cause of the problem. I’m the result of it.” I appreciate you sharing.

Ugh this thread breaks my heart for my kids and their 26 year cheating POS “father”. Lots of heartache in their future I’m afraid...