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Post by Skellinton on Jan 20, 2020 14:59:00 GMT
There’s a teenager I know in this situation. Her “mother” is really her grandmother and her “sister”, 14 years older, is really her mother. Apparently the girl does not know. I was told during a school registration when birth certificate had to be presented but asked to keep it quiet as the girl was not aware. That is just horrible. What is going to happen when this girl finds out? I am assuming that the grandmother never adopted the girl, so it’s going to come out. That is such a betrayal. I have adopted 2 boys who are 3 and 2. Although I haven’t told them yet because of their age, I will. I will sometimes say things like, when you came to me, I was in love. I also tell them everyday how lucky I am to be their mommy. It is a conversation I can’t wait to tell them, of how much they are loved and wanted. I can’t wait to tell them how much joy and happiness they bring to our lives. I dread telling them, well more so my older one as he was critically injured by his birth parents. I also have to tell them, their 3 older siblings were adopted by their grandparents, but due to my 3 yr old medical needs he couldn’t be. I have to tell them they no longer see their siblings because grandparents cut off all contact with us because the abuser is back on their lives. I have to tell them how their birth mom voluntarily signed her rights away for the younger one as she knew she was pregnant again and that if her case closed, she could keep the new baby, which she was able to btw. I will always been age appropriate honest with my boys as they get older. They may want to do tests later on to find other siblings, their birth mom is only 30 and had 6 kids already, 5 who were removed from her care for abuse and neglect. It’s a sad situation, but led to me having the greatest gifts ever. Heather I am glad your children are your children, and it is absolutely none of my business but I wonder how much you have to actually “tell” your children. Absolutely they need to know they were adopted, but unless they ask it could just be enough to say some along the lines of “Your birth mother made a very difficult decision to let me adopt you as she knew she couldn’t take care of you the way you deserved,”. If they ask questions as they get older you should answer them honestly, but you don’t need to volunteer any information they don’t ask about. I have no biological nieces or nephews, and all of them are at various stages of wanting to know. I have one family member specifically that has a relationship with their biological mother probably because they have no idea about her behavior and why she abandoned them. The brother won’t have anything to do with her. Neither have asked their father about why she left and why they were adopted by their mom (dad’s second wife) and dad won’t tell them anything they don’t specifically ask. They are both adults now and have both made their decisions independently of each other. Their dad doesn’t feel like there is any point in telling them the full story if they don’t want to know, and they have a close enough relationship they could and would ask if they wanted to know. I have a very dear friend who was adopted and she wants to know NOTHING about her biological parents or how her parents even were matched with her. Her brother, who was also adopted, wants to know every detail. Your son may or may not want to know about his birth mother, but I don’t think you need to burden him with the full story unless he asks. There are some lovely books about adoption that your kids are absolutely old enough to have read to them, they are old enough to understand that they are adopted and what that means if you are ready to tell them. Your children are so lucky to be safe and loved by you.
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Post by pjaye on Jan 20, 2020 15:44:41 GMT
There is absolutely no doubt that my brother and I are biologically my father’s child. We both inherited an extremely odd physical abnormality from him that no one else in the family has. My brother is also the proverbial spitting image of my father. He is like a carbon copy down to the laugh and voice. I don’t look like my dad, but I do favor my mom. Weird that you think people should doubt their parentage Firstly until you have DNA tests there is always doubt. You may think that whatever that deformity is, is "proof" but it isn't. It is only a fact that you are biologically related to someone when you know the DNA results. It's just science. I also never said people should doubt their parentage - BUT if you are going to have a DNA test then you need to be fully aware that you may find things out that you did not expect. You should not go into any test that will tell you facts about yourself if you don't then want to deal with those facts. This thread is only two pages long and already in this small group we have several examples. It's very naïve not to consider the potential, especially if you have the sort of personality who will be "shattered" by unexpected results.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jan 20, 2020 15:50:15 GMT
I know quite a few people who found out accidentally that they were adopted. None of those situations were pleasant, ALL because of the issue of lying. It wasn't about not being John and Jane's son or Mary and Sam's daughter. The DNA transfer was not the issue. It was about the fact that John and Jane and Mary and Sam (and everyone around them) lied. It made these adult children wonder what other lies had been told. It also deeply humiliated them to know that others -- people with whom they'd had lifelong relationships -- knew secrets about them and they did not. It made them question EVERY relationship with the adults who knew. Everything is re-examined through the new lens. That re-examination can be painful. In one case, long ago, more than a century ago, the story was a common social lie of a married sister and unmarried sister taking a long visit to distant relatives and the married sister coming back with a baby. The common path at the time also included secrecy as the unmarried sister would have faced grave social and religious consequences for having a child outside of marriage. Every decent person would keep the secret to protect the unmarried woman's reputation. Twenty years later, when those social strictures were well still in place, a man found out his parents were actually his aunt and uncle. He was devastated by this lie, even though that was the norm at the time. His reaction was to pick up, pack up, leave home and never contact family or return again until his parents and his "aunt" were dead. That reaction seems extreme to me (and everyone who knew the family and him). In fact, his younger siblings ended up not being able to get over the pain he had caused their mother not knowing if her oldest son was alive or dead and ended up cutting HIM out not long after he reappeared in their lives expecting a hero's welcome. But even though his reaction seems extreme to me... One truth I have learned while going through life -- which is supposed to give one wisdom -- is that MY way of handling or reacting to a situation is not the only way nor sometimes even the most common.
IMO, it is a sign of wisdom, life experience, or basic compassion to understand that others may have different initial reactions than our own. And those differences are not only to be expected, but should be treated with compassion.
Just because I do not in my heart of hearts understand that reaction, doesn't also mean in my heart of hearts I cannot have compassion for the reaction of feeling devastated.
Being strong is not shown by telling grown adults how they should feel.
Being strong is about showing compassion when people are hurting, even if you do not understand their pain.
And it is a kind of strength that costs us nothing. It costs nothing to be kind.
If someone is being "weak" in your eyes, telling them so does nothing more than to make yourself feel superior at someone else's expense. And you need to ask why you need to feel superior to someone who is hurting. That need is on you and is not a sign of strength.
AMEN!!! The world would be a much better place if everyone could treat our fellow humans this way.
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Post by pjaye on Jan 20, 2020 16:34:40 GMT
One truth I have learned while going through life -- which is supposed to give one wisdom -- is that MY way of handling or reacting to a situation is not the only way nor sometimes even the most common. IMO, it is a sign of wisdom, life experience, or basic compassion to understand that others may have different initial reactions than our own. And those differences are not only to be expected, but should be treated with compassion. Just because I do not in my heart of hearts understand that reaction, doesn't also mean in my heart of hearts I cannot have compassion for the reaction of feeling devastated. Being strong is not shown by telling grown adults how they should feel. Being strong is about showing compassion when people are hurting, even if you do not understand their pain. And it is a kind of strength that costs us nothing. It costs nothing to be kind. If someone is being "weak" in your eyes, telling them so does nothing more than to make yourself feel superior at someone else's expense. And you need to ask why you need to feel superior to someone who is hurting. That need is on you and is not a sign of strength. Wow, all effort to make some thinly veiled bitchy comments to put someone down for having an opinion different to yours just so you can feel superior and tell everyone how wise you think you are.. Well done! How's that "be kind" working out for you? Because you just did exactly what you were complaining about.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jan 20, 2020 16:57:18 GMT
There’s a teenager I know in this situation. Her “mother” is really her grandmother and her “sister”, 14 years older, is really her mother. Apparently the girl does not know. I was told during a school registration when birth certificate had to be presented but asked to keep it quiet as the girl was not aware. That is just horrible. What is going to happen when this girl finds out? I am assuming that the grandmother never adopted the girl, so it’s going to come out. That is such a betrayal. I have adopted 2 boys who are 3 and 2. Although I haven’t told them yet because of their age, I will. I will sometimes say things like, when you came to me, I was in love. I also tell them everyday how lucky I am to be their mommy. It is a conversation I can’t wait to tell them, of how much they are loved and wanted. I can’t wait to tell them how much joy and happiness they bring to our lives. I dread telling them, well more so my older one as he was critically injured by his birth parents. I also have to tell them, their 3 older siblings were adopted by their grandparents, but due to my 3 yr old medical needs he couldn’t be. I have to tell them they no longer see their siblings because grandparents cut off all contact with us because the abuser is back on their lives. I have to tell them how their birth mom voluntarily signed her rights away for the younger one as she knew she was pregnant again and that if her case closed, she could keep the new baby, which she was able to btw. I will always been age appropriate honest with my boys as they get older. They may want to do tests later on to find other siblings, their birth mom is only 30 and had 6 kids already, 5 who were removed from her care for abuse and neglect. It’s a sad situation, but led to me having the greatest gifts ever. Heather May your family be blessed with the gift of your boys, and they also blessed by having you as parents!
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jan 20, 2020 17:05:17 GMT
There’s a teenager I know in this situation. Her “mother” is really her grandmother and her “sister”, 14 years older, is really her mother. Apparently the girl does not know. I was told during a school registration when birth certificate had to be presented but asked to keep it quiet as the girl was not aware. Too soon she will need her birth certificate to get her drivers license, BC required!
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Jan 20, 2020 17:07:08 GMT
One truth I have learned while going through life -- which is supposed to give one wisdom -- is that MY way of handling or reacting to a situation is not the only way nor sometimes even the most common. IMO, it is a sign of wisdom, life experience, or basic compassion to understand that others may have different initial reactions than our own. And those differences are not only to be expected, but should be treated with compassion. Just because I do not in my heart of hearts understand that reaction, doesn't also mean in my heart of hearts I cannot have compassion for the reaction of feeling devastated. Being strong is not shown by telling grown adults how they should feel. Being strong is about showing compassion when people are hurting, even if you do not understand their pain. And it is a kind of strength that costs us nothing. It costs nothing to be kind. If someone is being "weak" in your eyes, telling them so does nothing more than to make yourself feel superior at someone else's expense. And you need to ask why you need to feel superior to someone who is hurting. That need is on you and is not a sign of strength. Wow, all effort to make some thinly veiled bitchy comments to put someone down for having an opinion different to yours just so you can feel superior and tell everyone how wise you think you are.. Well done! How's that "be kind" working out for you? Because you just did exactly what you were complaining about. It's not your message, it's the delivery.
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Post by pjaye on Jan 20, 2020 17:39:35 GMT
It's not your message, it's the delivery.
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Post by tentoes on Jan 20, 2020 17:52:32 GMT
Adopted children are just as loved and very wanted. So, tell them the truth. I think telling the truth way back then wasn't as popular as it is now. I think you are correct.
I have three adopted grandchildren, they all know they were adopted--one is from an extended family member-(not our family, but my ddil's family). They are accepted just as much as our bio grandchildren. My ddil keeps a box of "stuff" for each of the adopted children. She keeps in touch with the bio families, sends them birthday cards and Christmas cards, and photos of the children each year on the child's birthday. She plans to give the boxes to the children when they are older--if they want the box. It has anything to do with the bio parents--any correspondences, and all the adoption information.
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Post by epeanymous on Jan 20, 2020 20:05:10 GMT
I imagine you didn't go through this or you'd very likely have expressed more empathy towards those who did. You are a lucky person but please don't make assumptions from your position of privilege in this situation and what "position of privilege" exactly am I in? The DNA tests we are discussing here are completely voluntary. If you have the shit family or feelings of not belonging, or any of that other stuff, then don't pay for the test...it really is that simple. If your identity is that fragile, then why are you voluntarily taking your chances of screwing yourself up even more with a DNA test? I think for a lot of us who have been through this experience it is much more complicated than that. My father who raised me has serious health issue that I lived in a lot of fear I would inherit; I can’t, but of course now I have very little idea what might run in my family. I am also an only child who now has a half-dozen bio half siblings, some of whom want relationships, some of whom don’t. It has also been weird to find that a lot of things about my personality that always made me feel very different from my parents are things I have in common with my biological relatives. I personally used the word disorienting because it is just that.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Jan 20, 2020 20:44:03 GMT
It's not your message, it's the delivery. Case and point, thank you... Besides, you don't have to be the one to take the test to find out some otherwise unknown information about your family. In many cases people find out things because someone in their family decided to do testing.... It is not as cut and dried and "take personal responsibility" as you might think, but go on with yo bad self.
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Post by zuke on Jan 20, 2020 21:55:31 GMT
Everyone deserves to know their truth! She should be told! Yes, this really is a no brainer. It might be (very slightly) understandable to her as to why she hadn't been told before, but to deliberately withhold the truth when she is questioning things is cruel and hurtful. I think her trust would be shattered beyond repair if she does find out any other way than from her parents, and now. I agree with both. I don't understand why our friends have kept this a secret. It seems so strange to me. Had they told her when she was young, I think it would be so much less traumatic than as a 30+ year old. The longer they wait, I feel the worse it will be. My brother was adopted at 3 months old. When he was old enough to understand in simple terms, my parents told him. He's 50+ now and never expressed that he felt like he wasn't part of our family. I hope my friends tell their daughter before someone else does.
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