MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,506
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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Post by MorningPerson on Apr 13, 2020 17:22:02 GMT
Given the extremely large number of peas complaining of cooking burnout, a lot of this advice seems unnecessarily harsh towards the OP. No one is saying she's horrible for being burned out on cooking. In fact, most posters are saying she shouldn't be worrying about making lunch for a grown man.
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,831
Jun 26, 2014 12:56:40 GMT
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Post by CeeScraps on Apr 13, 2020 17:28:30 GMT
Do you have the app “AnyLIst”? We use it for groceries and other stops we make. I have lists for the hardware stores, banks, general stores (Target/Walmart), and grocery stores. I share those lists with my dh and dd. If someone wants something it has to be on the list. If it’s not, then it’s not purchased.
You can load the app and have him load it too. Then you create a grocery list by store. You share that list with him. He then can add to that list. Start there. He puts foods on the list that he would like to eat.
From there have him make lunch plans for a week. He’s home so he can make them daily. Once school resumes he can make his lunches on Sunday’s. That’s what we did with our dd. She’d bag chips/veggies or whatever. Then the night before she’d grab bags and put them into her lunch box. That way she had her lunches made.
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Apr 13, 2020 17:29:05 GMT
Given the extremely large number of peas complaining of cooking burnout, a lot of this advice seems unnecessarily harsh towards the OP. No one is saying she's horrible for being burned out on cooking. In fact, most posters are saying she shouldn't be worrying about making lunch for a grown man. I guess I didn't express my point very well. I meant that the people calling her behavior subservient and enabling were being harsh.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 13, 2020 17:36:49 GMT
I freely admitted on the burnout thread that it was easy to fall into the I'm making my own lunch it's not that hard to make extra for everyone else - but it's something else entirely to say a grown man is incapable of making his own lunch.
In normal circumstances I make dinner 4-5 nights a week, sometimes my son started something if I was tied up, we'd eat out 1-2 nights a week and once every couple weeks my husband would make something. The day to day dinner absolutely falls on my shoulders (as well as grocery shopping for lunch items to be available.)
After a few weeks of me doing 90% of lunch and dinner in SIP, I said hell to the no. Everyone is responsible for their own lunch, everyone is responsible for one night a week of dinner and we grab take out one night - so I'm still doing 3 dinners, but that's a whole hell of a lot better than 14 meals a week.
My son is embracing it (he's always liked to cook) and is trying a new Gordon Ramsay recipe each week. My daughter is going through swings of easy pasta dishes that she already knew how to make and tamales which took most of an afternoon (which granted I helped with, but it was her idea and super fun, so no complaints).
I know I'm lucky that as my husband used to do all of the cooking when I worked crazy hours and traveled a ton, so I've never known the I'm too incompetent to provide real meals phenomena from my partner.
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Dallie
Full Member
Posts: 490
Feb 25, 2020 16:33:25 GMT
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Post by Dallie on Apr 13, 2020 17:42:48 GMT
I admit I am struggling to see the dilemma.
If you are over making a grown ass man his lunch, then let him figure it out on his own.
I bet you a million face masks that if you stop waiting on him, he will eat.
And since he is a grown ass man, what he eats is his choice and not your business. After all, he is not two and you are not his mommy.
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Post by Merge on Apr 13, 2020 17:56:58 GMT
No one is saying she's horrible for being burned out on cooking. In fact, most posters are saying she shouldn't be worrying about making lunch for a grown man. I guess I didn't express my point very well. I meant that the people calling her behavior subservient and enabling were being harsh. I'm sorry you thought I was being harsh. What do you call it when a woman continues to take on an unequal share of labor because a man professes "fear" of a room in the house? A woman who sat around when there was an unusually large amount of yard work to be done (like cleanup after a disaster, for example) and professed "fear" of the yard, or an inability to understand the mower or how to make a pile of downed branches, would not be given the same gentle touch that the husband is getting here. She'd be called manipulative and lazy, and told to get her big girl panties on and help out. But a man who says he can't manage to make himself a sandwich - or, god forbid, make a sandwich for someone else - is supposed to be coddled and have everything prepped for him to make it easier. What am I missing here?
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tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,872
Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Apr 13, 2020 18:11:48 GMT
I'm sorry, is this a grown man we’re talking about? Just stop making his lunch. If he gets hungry, he’ll figure it out. Every.word.this.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Apr 13, 2020 18:16:23 GMT
Could you meal prep some healthy meals twice a week? Or freeze soup in individual portions for him?
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Apr 13, 2020 18:17:15 GMT
I guess I didn't express my point very well. I meant that the people calling her behavior subservient and enabling were being harsh. I'm sorry you thought I was being harsh. What do you call it when a woman continues to take on an unequal share of labor because a man professes "fear" of a room in the house? A woman who sat around when there was an unusually large amount of yard work to be done (like cleanup after a disaster, for example) and professed "fear" of the yard, or an inability to understand the mower or how to make a pile of downed branches, would not be given the same gentle touch that the husband is getting here. She'd be called manipulative and lazy, and told to get her big girl panties on and help out. But a man who says he can't manage to make himself a sandwich - or, god forbid, make a sandwich for someone else - is supposed to be coddled and have everything prepped for him to make it easier. What am I missing here? I guess we are seeing 2 different things then. I don't see the OP's husband getting a "gentle touch". I see people calling him lazy and entitled. Peas are in fact telling him to put on his big girl panties, or the "grown ass man" equivalent of them. A pea posted asking for cooking tips, and she is instead getting marriage advice. I think calling someone subservient because of the chore breakdown in her relationship is kind of rude. 2 or 3 pages of peas posted with basically the same problem within the last day or two, and I think that thread was a lot more understanding and supportive than this one is becoming. jeremysgirl posted in this thread in what I thought was a very thoughtful and insightful way that showed she really read the OP and thought about it. I wish more people could do that more often instead of jumping on people, whether it is by calling the OP an enabler, her husband an entitled bum, or me whatever name you are giving me right now.
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Post by zztop11 on Apr 13, 2020 18:17:40 GMT
I'm sorry, is this a grown man we’re talking about? Just stop making his lunch. If he gets hungry, he’ll figure it out.
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Post by Merge on Apr 13, 2020 18:25:04 GMT
I'm sorry you thought I was being harsh. What do you call it when a woman continues to take on an unequal share of labor because a man professes "fear" of a room in the house? A woman who sat around when there was an unusually large amount of yard work to be done (like cleanup after a disaster, for example) and professed "fear" of the yard, or an inability to understand the mower or how to make a pile of downed branches, would not be given the same gentle touch that the husband is getting here. She'd be called manipulative and lazy, and told to get her big girl panties on and help out. But a man who says he can't manage to make himself a sandwich - or, god forbid, make a sandwich for someone else - is supposed to be coddled and have everything prepped for him to make it easier. What am I missing here? I guess we are seeing 2 different things then. I don't see the OP's husband getting a "gentle touch". I see people calling him lazy and entitled. Peas are in fact telling him to put on his big girl panties, or the "grown ass man" equivalent of them. A pea posted asking for cooking tips, and she is instead getting marriage advice. I think calling someone subservient because of the chore breakdown in her relationship is kind of rude. 2 or 3 pages of peas posted with basically the same problem within the last day or two, and I think that thread was a lot more understanding and supportive than this one is becoming. jeremysgirl posted in this thread in what I thought was a very thoughtful and insightful way that showed she really read the OP and thought about it. I wish more people could do that more often instead of jumping on people, whether it is by calling the OP an enabler, her husband an entitled bum, or me whatever name you are giving me right now. Yes, some of us are saying that he needs to get his 'big girl panties.' Others are encouraging the gentle touch. I'm just saying that if the gender roles were reversed here, I don't think anyone would be encouraging the gentle touch for the woman who sat around. I was raised in a traditionalist family where the women were definitely subservient, and I still struggle with feeling like I'm sometimes not doing enough. I think it's more supportive to encourage another woman struggling with this mindset to view her husband as an independent adult who can do for himself, than to tell her to shift her labor from outright making lunch for him to doing the emotional and physical labor of planning what he might be able to eat, pre-preparing items for him, etc. I don't actually see anyone calling people names here. Labeling behaviors is just that - labeling behaviors. And I do feel it's a subservient behavior to continuously do something for someone else that they can easily do for themselves - particularly if the other person is avoiding doing that thing by making ridiculous excuses.
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Post by SockMonkey on Apr 13, 2020 18:31:44 GMT
I'm sorry, is this a grown man we’re talking about? Just stop making his lunch. If he gets hungry, he’ll figure it out. 100% If he's that confused, the Internet exists. If children can do this for themselves, so can an able grown man.
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tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,872
Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Apr 13, 2020 18:39:46 GMT
I'm sorry you thought I was being harsh. What do you call it when a woman continues to take on an unequal share of labor because a man professes "fear" of a room in the house? A woman who sat around when there was an unusually large amount of yard work to be done (like cleanup after a disaster, for example) and professed "fear" of the yard, or an inability to understand the mower or how to make a pile of downed branches, would not be given the same gentle touch that the husband is getting here. She'd be called manipulative and lazy, and told to get her big girl panties on and help out. But a man who says he can't manage to make himself a sandwich - or, god forbid, make a sandwich for someone else - is supposed to be coddled and have everything prepped for him to make it easier. What am I missing here? I guess we are seeing 2 different things then. I don't see the OP's husband getting a "gentle touch". I see people calling him lazy and entitled. Peas are in fact telling him to put on his big girl panties, or the "grown ass man" equivalent of them. A pea posted asking for cooking tips, and she is instead getting marriage advice.I think calling someone subservient because of the chore breakdown in her relationship is kind of rude. 2 or 3 pages of peas posted with basically the same problem within the last day or two, and I think that thread was a lot more understanding and supportive than this one is becoming. jeremysgirl posted in this thread in what I thought was a very thoughtful and insightful way that showed she really read the OP and thought about it. I wish more people could do that more often instead of jumping on people, whether it is by calling the OP an enabler, her husband an entitled bum, or me whatever name you are giving me right now. The OP is a long time Pea and surely understands how posts here works. She might have asked for cooking tips, but she gave way more information that many people have a strong feeling about. I agree with everything Merge has said. He's a grown ass man, if he's hungry, he'll figure it out.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Apr 13, 2020 18:42:56 GMT
I'm trying to figure out how to make this work for me.... so I just stay out of the kitchen? Say I'm afraid of it. Then around noon or so I just wait for dh to bring me a sandwich? Do I have to ask or does it just appear? Does he come back and get my plate or am I responsible to get it over the hot lava of the kitchen into the sink? And the same thing for dinner? Do I get a say in what I eat or do I have to make due with whatever I'm served? Hmmmm, I mean I could embrace this.
In all honesty OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't know if this is a permanent situation or just b/c he's working from home for now, that might make a difference in how I approach it. Everyone is stressed right now so keep that in mind when you decide to tackle this challenge. I'd probably start by making sure there's plenty of quick fix things in the house, then have a conversation with him about this. Then come lunch time go ahead and fix my lunch followed by "hey I'm making a turkey sandwich, should I leave the mustard out for you?"
And FWIW I think we all do things for our significant others that they're perfectly capable of doing for themselves; and the SO does stuff for us we could do if we wanted. Perhaps not the same level but that's for each person to decide their tolerance level....and right now everyone is walking a tightrope of emotion so IMO some fights just aren't worth having right now.
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Post by Skellinton on Apr 13, 2020 18:45:22 GMT
I don’t see any dilemma here either. If my husband were ill or physically incapable of making lunch I would make it for him, and I would expect him to do the same if the roles were reversed.
Since your guy seems to be healthy and a grown up he can make his own lunch and if that happens to be potato chips and chocolate chips, so be it.
It is unlikely your guy is going to go on a hunger strike or faint from lack of nutrition if you don’t make him lunch. He can totally figure this one out on his own. If you really want to teach him enlist him to help you make dinner.
Does he do the dishes at all, or do you do all the cooking and dishes too? Just curious, because I know around here they who cook doesn’t have to do dishes, the other person takes care of that. *
*right now I am doing both because my husband is working 50+ hours from home and I am only working half time, but when we are both working full time we split the dishes/cooking.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Apr 13, 2020 18:52:46 GMT
So what would happen if you skipped lunch that day, would be say something or just not eat?
My exdh would just wait and not say anything or make an effort to start cooking. He “didn’t know what I would want”. Even if we decided earlier in the day we were having pizza he would wait until I got home from work to order. Drove me crazy.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 13, 2020 19:14:31 GMT
I'm just saying that if the gender roles were reversed here, I don't think anyone would be encouraging the gentle touch for the woman who sat around. I think a lot of us are dealing with seriously ingrained ideas about gender roles and trying to undo years worth of reinforcement of those "norms" and I think there are a lot of women these days who don't have to deal with this as men are becoming a lot more enlightened that don't quite get the struggle of what is it like loving a man like this. Mine was raised by a mother who took care of everyone. She did it all. While his father did absolutely nothing. (She eventually kicked him to the curb). And some of his father's attitude is prevalent in him. In addition, I married him at 39 years old. Long past time when behavior is normally shaped. He had a wife the first time around who never worked and it appears she also didn't do anything inside the house either. So he is used to living with a ring around his toilet bowl and not feeling compelled to pick up the brush. I still struggle with feeling like I'm sometimes not doing enough I go back and forth between I'm not doing enough to I'm really doing too much. And when I hit the wall, it would be nice to go, hey, do you think you can get the laundry out of the dryer without having rolling eyes at me. I really love my husband. And I do appreciate that I will never have to worry about driving a car with bad breaks. But on the flip side, I am spending at least 20 hours a week cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry while his tasks are not an hour a week average. I want to find a way to address this. And I do feel it's a subservient behavior do continuously do something for someone else that they can easily do for themselves It's not true in all cases. Some houses have a different division of labor. Some people (me sometimes) enjoy doing things for others and take pride in caring for their family. It's not always subservient. Sometimes, it's honoring our partner. At least, that's how I look at the tasks done to help me, like mowing the lawn or blowing the snow. I just came into this thread looking for solutions to problems. Maybe the right words I can say which will convey how I see things without me having to say, hey get your lazy ass off the couch and help me. Not picking on you. I think you always have a valuable perspective. I envy those who have a more equitable partnership.
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Apr 13, 2020 19:43:25 GMT
My DH is currently doing the laundry and he would like to state that he doesn't feel subservient to me just because he is washing my underwear.
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Post by Merge on Apr 13, 2020 19:49:24 GMT
I'm just saying that if the gender roles were reversed here, I don't think anyone would be encouraging the gentle touch for the woman who sat around. I think a lot of us are dealing with seriously ingrained ideas about gender roles and trying to undo years worth of reinforcement of those "norms" and I think there are a lot of women these days who don't have to deal with this as men are becoming a lot more enlightened that don't quite get the struggle of what is it like loving a man like this. Mine was raised by a mother who took care of everyone. She did it all. While his father did absolutely nothing. (She eventually kicked him to the curb). And some of his father's attitude is prevalent in him. In addition, I married him at 39 years old. Long past time when behavior is normally shaped. He had a wife the first time around who never worked and it appears she also didn't do anything inside the house either. So he is used to living with a ring around his toilet bowl and not feeling compelled to pick up the brush. I still struggle with feeling like I'm sometimes not doing enough I go back and forth between I'm not doing enough to I'm really doing too much. And when I hit the wall, it would be nice to go, hey, do you think you can get the laundry out of the dryer without having rolling eyes at me. I really love my husband. And I do appreciate that I will never have to worry about driving a car with bad breaks. But on the flip side, I am spending at least 20 hours a week cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry while his tasks are not an hour a week average. I want to find a way to address this. And I do feel it's a subservient behavior do continuously do something for someone else that they can easily do for themselves It's not true in all cases. Some houses have a different division of labor. Some people (me sometimes) enjoy doing things for others and take pride in caring for their family. It's not always subservient. Sometimes, it's honoring our partner. At least, that's how I look at the tasks done to help me, like mowing the lawn or blowing the snow. I just came into this thread looking for solutions to problems. Maybe the right words I can say which will convey how I see things without me having to say, hey get your lazy ass off the couch and help me. Not picking on you. I think you always have a valuable perspective. I envy those who have a more equitable partnership. No, I get that people have different divisions of labor. From my perspective, this having to have three meals a day on the table for everyone every day is a new situation for many of us. It's an additional labor that wasn't factored into whatever agreement existed before. And I guess if it's honoring your partner to pick up the entirety of the additional labor, it's not unreasonable to expect that there should be an equivalent honoring happening on the other side. From the little the OP has told us, I don't think that's happening here.
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Post by Merge on Apr 13, 2020 19:52:59 GMT
My DH is currently doing the laundry and he would like to state that he doesn't feel subservient to me just because he is washing my underwear. My DH washes my underwear, too. And it's not subservient because it's part of the existing, agreed-upon, mostly equitable division of our labor. Everyone suddenly being at home and needing three meals a day is not part of our existing division of labor. If my normal part of our division of labor is cooking dinner, does that mean DH should sit on his ass while I also do breakfast and lunch now? Or should new labors be divided up as well? The idea that any new labors that come along in the kitchen are the "wife's duty" is where I think we get into subservience. I also can't stand the manipulative "scared of the kitchen" or "don't know how to run the washing machine" bullshit that some men pull to avoid doing what they see as "women's work." You don't agree, and that's fine. Run your marriage how you want and I'll run mine how I want.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 13, 2020 19:55:17 GMT
And I guess if it's honoring your partner to pick up the entirety of the additional labor, it's not unreasonable to expect that there should be an equivalent honoring happening on the other side. Yes, I agree with you there. I want that coming to me, as well. That's the problem I'm trying to solve. Balance. If I bake your favorite cookies, just go get the laundry out of the dryer without rolling your eyes.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 15:45:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2020 20:01:46 GMT
My DH is currently doing the laundry and he would like to state that he doesn't feel subservient to me just because he is washing my underwear. If he was silently seething about it and felt it was too much then that is the problem, it's about feeling it's all one sided. If you both do stuff for each other that's great if you don't then someone is going to eventually get pissed off. That's what the OP was about.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Apr 13, 2020 20:27:39 GMT
Then around noon or so I just wait for dh to bring me a sandwich? Do I have to ask or does it just appear? This makes me think of that "magic coffee table" video. It's hilarious. link
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Post by peasapie on Apr 13, 2020 20:47:18 GMT
peasapie Aren’t you in a new relationship? I think he may love having you take care of him. And maybe he doesn’t want to eat alone? Does he like soups, canned tuna or canned chicken that you can mix with mayonnaise and spices and put in the fridge? A fruit salad and regular salad already made and in a bowl in the fridge. Yes I am and thank you for remembering. I'm laughing hard at the "subservient" comments I've read so far, as I knew that would come up here. LOL. He never learned, he needs to learn, he will learn, and it's new for us because prior to this he bought his lunch at work and right now we are home. I just needed some good ideas, which I've been reading here so THANK YOU to those sharing them.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 13, 2020 20:49:13 GMT
Tonight I am making a big pasta salad with beans, feta cheese, tomatoes, olives etc. there will be lots left over. That will be lunch for the next two days. Same when I make a big pot of soup. There are sandwich meats. It really is in your hands to train him.Is it really? When I moved out on my own, I knew how to do some things because my mom made me help with meal prep growing up. But there were a lot of things that I never paid much attention to while she was cooking and just happily ate it without knowing how to do it myself. So once I was in my own place, if I wanted to eat something I didn’t know how to make, whose responsibility was it to teach me how to make it? Not my mom’s, she didn’t live with me anymore. Not my DH’s because he knew way less than I did. It was up to ME to get a cookbook or three and figure it out for myself. And that was way back in the olden days before everyone and their grandma had a smart phone and the internet where they literally show you step by step in videos how to do everything! IMO dude is just being lazy and I have zero patience for that.
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Post by peasapie on Apr 13, 2020 20:51:12 GMT
So I'd be curious to know... what did he do before you were in his life? He managed basic sustenance somehow. LOL TAKEOUT.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 13, 2020 21:14:10 GMT
He is an able adult?
Just don’t make his lunch
Eventually he will find something to eat and he will eat it
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 13, 2020 22:07:43 GMT
I want to be super annoyed that a grown man is expecting you to make and bring him lunch every day. He is not afraid of the kitchen or incapable of assembling food. He just doesn’t have to. But I realize that isn’t helpful. I’m assuming he loves you and cares about your well being. And if you’re both home now, it’s the perfect time to say, “I really need your help in the kitchen. Please come down and let’s make lunch together today. I would love your company, and eventually I would love if you could learn to make something and prepare lunch for me some days. I am getting burned out.” If he can’t do that for you, pbj and burgers in a pan is what he can have for lunch. Yes, this. My dad did this to my mom for years. He acted helpless and I hated watching it happen. It's odd because my dad made sure I knew how to change my oil, fix a tire, and I mowed our lawn from age 8-18. I had two older brothers. When my husband acted helpless in the kitchen right after we were married, I told him he just needed more practice after he said I could do it better. I would let him eat the same thing day after day until he came to me asking me to teach him.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Apr 14, 2020 0:05:28 GMT
Given the extremely large number of peas complaining of cooking burnout, a lot of this advice seems unnecessarily harsh towards the OP. ahh. No. I'm 100% positive I would have said the same thing before. I'm cooking the same amt as I was before, and I'm not quarantined at home. I think men should learn to be self sufficient.
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Post by kristalina on Apr 14, 2020 1:21:52 GMT
Peasapie - Do you both work? Are you both at home now because of C-19? The way I taught my dh to cook is to ask him for help in the kitchen. Can you do me a favor? I need the taco meat browned while I make the rice. Then tell him how to do it and back away. If you get in the habit of including him in the food prep, he'll get used to it. In fact, that's how I taught my kids too! If he won't cook AT ALL EVER, you have to look at the other things he does and decide if you can live with it. My dh cleans the house, cuts the grass and washes the cars every weekend. I've never cut the grass, never washed my car and have never vacuumed my downstairs living room (I do vacuum upstairs) and everyone in my house including my girls (Starting at about 2nd grade) have always done their own laundry. Dh doesn't shop for groceries very often or plan meals EVER but everything else he does makes my life easier so I'm happy. I've taken one evening class per semester since 2012 so I'm gone 2 nights a week and I told him in the beginning if he wants to eat on those nights he has to cook. And he does! It is very nice to come home those two nights a week to food.
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