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Post by Mel on Jul 25, 2020 18:12:41 GMT
I have no where else that I can "talk" about this. I can't post it on FB or talk to friends about it because it's not my story to tell. If I am asked about it specifically by mutual friends, I will but I won't be the one to bring it up.
I want to preface though by saying that I am happy. I have a wonderful man in my life, my kids are all healthy (relatively speaking), etc. I thought I had dealt with this years ago but a whole new chapter is beginning and I'm grieving all over again. That is the only word I can come up with to describe how I'm feeling. And before anyone preaches about how difficult it will be for him, and what he will be going through now that it's been said, I KNOW. I get that... but this is, selfishly, about my side of things.
My ex-husband is gay. There. I said it. I've known it for a long time (although, I always thought maybe he was "bi" but that's another story). He came to me last night and actually said the words.
We have been divorced almost 5 years & have 4 kids(25, 23, 14(although he has Down syndrome, and he is developmentally around 6/7, and non verbal), & almost 14). We have remained friends, and he and my SO even get along pretty well. He comes to holiday dinners, we did Birthdays together for the kids (they are all old enough now that we don't really have "parties" anymore lol). Our marriage was never a great, happy, happy, fun-filled adventure. I am the one that left, I couldn't be miserable anymore, and even if it meant being "alone" the rest of my life, at least I could do things and be happy. When I met my SO, he came in with his eyes open, he knew the level of crazy that my life was, and he was willing to accept it because he fell in love with me, and all of that came with me. LOL
I have gone through several emotions... sad, angry, hurt... I know I didn't "turn" him gay(although, I also know that there are people who will think that! LOL). I feel like our life/marriage was just a front because he was in denial. I am angry because I spent so many years unhappy & trying to make things work.
I think the word of the day for me is "raw". I know it'll all be ok, and I also know that there will be other emotions. My SO & I have talked about it and talked to my youngest DD (she is almost 14) and she knows that we are here to talk to if she needs it (well, they all know that but she lives with us). She has a very close relationship with SO (we've been together almost 5 years). Her relationship with her Dad has always been a little different because he was never the cookie cutter "Dad". It's not like SO is trying to take his place, it's just a different kind of relationship.
Anyway... I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. As my friend Mary always says, "Forward with hope".
If you made it this far, THANK YOU!!
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Deleted
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Apr 29, 2024 18:59:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2020 18:18:49 GMT
I’m sorry. I can only imagine what you must be feeling. Do console yourself that you got 4 great kids out of the marriage, so all was not lost. But hugs to you. Your grief is valid.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
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Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jul 25, 2020 18:19:48 GMT
mel didn’t want to read and run. I have no words of wisdom but hope you can grieve and move on. I kinda get it but I’ve never been in your situation.
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Post by shescrafty on Jul 25, 2020 18:20:06 GMT
I hope it feels better to be able to share what is weighing on you right now. I think it is natural to have unsure feelings, even if it is something you kind of knew or suspected. I am also very glad you have found somebody else who can be a good partner to you. I hope you have peace as you move forward. 💕
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Post by fiddlesticks on Jul 25, 2020 18:20:48 GMT
I have no experience with this sort of thing but I am glad you finally heard it from him. I have no advice or words of wisdom but I didn't want to read without responding. (((hugs)))
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jul 25, 2020 18:20:55 GMT
Hugs. There are lots of people who tried to live as straight and find out 20 years or longer than they feel better with the same sex. You know it’s going to be ok, right?
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Post by malibou on Jul 25, 2020 18:23:47 GMT
Hugs. I can imagine raw would be a good descriptor of where you suddenly find yourself. Give yourself time and space to grieve what you thought was. I think you'll find that though it changes things some, the narrative of your life past isn't going to change. It can't change, so don't let grief touch it. Going forward your path may feel like it will look a little different, but it wont, at least not remarkably so.
Keeping you tucked up in my thoughts while you sort things out.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jul 25, 2020 18:25:14 GMT
mel you are so very entitled to your feelings. They have nothing to do with how he feels. I imagine I would also feel raw about looking back at my life and wondering what could have been, if only there had been less denial, more honesty. That said, I would also work toward letting it go. Regrets do nothing but steal joy from the present. I tell myself this a lot now that I’m on the wrong side of 50. Life is never guaranteed, but my time is getting shorter and I don’t want to waste it on regrets. I do my best with the abilities I have. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. But I need to be able to look at myself and know nothing I did was with malice or intent to hurt others.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 25, 2020 18:26:46 GMT
((Hugs))
I'm glad you are at a happy place now.
I'm sure it sucks knowing you were all in and he never was. Knowing that you could have been with someone who was all in.
At the same time, while it doesn't help with the raw feelings, you have the kids you have because he tried to live straight. You met you SO because of the past with your ex.
Feel all the emotions. You deserve to.
((Hugs)) again
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lesley
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Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
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Post by lesley on Jul 25, 2020 18:30:48 GMT
Your grief, your anger and your hurt are all very valid. You were lied to for a long time, and yes your XH was probably lying to himself too, but that doesn’t take away that sucker punch. But you were strong enough to recognise you were miserable and to leave, That must have taken a lot of guts, especially with four kids. Raw is exactly how you must be feeling. You must be wondering how different your life would have been if your XH had been honest with himself and with you. But there are those four kids again - you wouldn’t have had them if things had been different. It’s okay to take time to lick your wounds, and it’s so good that you are in a happy relationship. I hope you are able to maintain a friendship with your ex even if it takes some time. Hugs.
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Post by quietgirl on Jul 25, 2020 18:31:32 GMT
I don't have any words of advice, but I just wanted to say that I hear you. Your feelings are real, and true, and valid. Hugs to you.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jul 25, 2020 18:32:43 GMT
mel 💕💕 Some things are so hard.
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cakediva
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Jun 26, 2014 11:53:40 GMT
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Post by cakediva on Jul 25, 2020 18:38:39 GMT
Hugs.....
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Post by flanz on Jul 25, 2020 18:40:24 GMT
Sending you love and hugs. As others have said, I'm glad you are allowing yourself to feel your feelings, and I hope you can let them go to focus on your happy present and future. <3
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Jul 25, 2020 18:43:23 GMT
(((Hugs))) - glad you felt like you could come here with this, and we're always here to chat if you need to.
I commend you for talking to your DD about it - that's very important, and it sounds like you handled it well!
(((Hugs)))
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 25, 2020 18:46:14 GMT
I can only imagine all the feelings you have. I'm glad you are facing them and feel safe sharing here.
The world was a lot different 25+ years ago. I don't think your marriage was a front. I doubt he was raised to understand sexual orientation is not a choice or "lifestyle". I am sure he loved you, as best he could.
I love that you talk with your children and that you include their father in your life. That shows a beautiful spirit in you.
Hugs as you process all of this.
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hannahruth
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Aug 29, 2014 18:57:20 GMT
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Post by hannahruth on Jul 25, 2020 18:57:55 GMT
mel you are so very entitled to your feelings. They have nothing to do with how he feels. I imagine I would also feel raw about looking back at my life and wondering what could have been, if only there had been less denial, more honesty. That said, I would also work toward letting it go. Regrets do nothing but steal joy from the present. I tell myself this a lot now that I’m on the wrong side of 50. Life is never guaranteed, but my time is getting shorter and I don’t want to waste it on regrets. I do my best with the abilities I have. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. But I need to be able to look at myself and know nothing I did was with malice or intent to hurt others. I understand your hurt, anger, regret but as another has said your marriage has highs and lows. The highs, to me, are your children and the lows being the lie that your ex lived. None of this is your doing, it was he that was not honest, and in his defence times would have been so much different when you married - was being gay even legal then? All sorts of issues are raised due to the time of his realisation of his sexuality. Unfortunately you are a victim of these social standards as well. Your feelings are valid and maybe talking to a professional may help you deal with these and put them to rest. Enjoy your partner and the family you have.
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Post by sasha on Jul 25, 2020 19:05:17 GMT
Big hugs! I think the range of emotions you are feeling are the ones you should be feeling. It would be hard to have lived a life with a man and find out as you said this was a front.
At the same time, I feel sorry for your ex because I can't imagine how hard it would be to live that lie too. It's only recently that being gay has been so well accepted so I can only imagine the struggle he must have gone through.
Anyway, in the long run, it sounds like you are winning NOW. If you can focus on what is happening now in your life, that would probably be the best.
And talk to a therapist!
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Post by librarylady on Jul 25, 2020 19:08:32 GMT
melI am so glad you have a place to speak to the event that has put your life in a spin. I am sure your children will be having some raw emotions as well. I can't imagine how many emotions you are having as well as your children. I would think that now, everyone will say, "Oh, THAT explains ___" I am glad he finally told the truth about his life and everyone can be in an honest place. Skipping ahead--since you said you have remained friendly after your divorce and remarriage (or just new relationship) perhaps you can still have a friendly relationship --for your children's sake.
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scrapngranny
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Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Jul 25, 2020 19:14:23 GMT
My brother in-law came out as gay after being married over 30 years. It was very obvious to DH and I all along. We thought his wife also knew it also, but she didn’t. They were best friends, had lots of shared interests, 3 adult daughters and 9 grandkids.
They lived in Chicago, his parents, other brother, all lived in California. I was the first person he came out to, besides his wife. He cried when I told him I had known for many years. He was surprised we had known and had not turned our backs on him.
Him and his wife stayed together and continued with all the things they had done before. They loved each other deeply, even if it wasn’t a sexual love. They chose to tell 2 of their daughters, but not the third. She lived in Ohio and didn’t come around much. Honestly, he was afraid she would completely reject him.
He died in 2008. A beloved husband and a much loved dad. A modern family.
There is no easy way to handle a spouse coming out gay. You have to do what is right for you and your family.
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garcia5050
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Jun 25, 2014 23:22:29 GMT
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Post by garcia5050 on Jul 25, 2020 19:17:48 GMT
I have a cousin whose first husband left her for a man. They have 3 kids, and the kids were younger when it happened (elementary and middle school). Everyone knew, the kids were made fun of about it. When he left, he had not paid the bills and she didn’t know she was in foreclosure. It was a terrible time for all of them. He didn’t have a relationship with his kids for about 5 years (this all happened about 15 years ago). In the past 10 years, he has since developed a relationship with his kids and was even friendly with his ex (my cousin). He actually just passed away this past week from Covid, and his kids are now devastated. My cousin has not remarried (but dates a lot). She never got over the trust issues. Im glad you have an SO that you can rely on. So all the kids know already?
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ddly
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Post by ddly on Jul 25, 2020 19:25:46 GMT
Your feelings are very valid. You're fortunate that you can talk to your SO. You may find it helpful to talk to a therapist.
Hugs!!
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Post by Blind Squirrel on Jul 25, 2020 19:36:46 GMT
I'm sure this is something that will take time to fully process. Hugs to you!
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used2scrap
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Post by used2scrap on Jul 25, 2020 19:55:42 GMT
It’s very difficult to discover and feel an entire marriage is a lie; raw and numb and so much to process. I hope you can find some peace moving forward.
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LeaP
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Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Jul 25, 2020 20:19:09 GMT
{{{more hugs}}} I don't have much to add, but I hope the raw feeling passes sooner rather than later. One thing that might make you feel a little better is that people get divorced for many reasons and it is almost invariably painful. It is natural to mourn what was, never was and/or never will be. It sounds like your live is on the upswing and I hope that the best is yet to come.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jul 25, 2020 20:25:37 GMT
I can only imagine all the feelings you have. And yes, you can’t change the past, and you have your children as a result of that marriage. No beating yourself up over any of it.
I do think it’s normal to look back and feel some grief for what you thought you’d had, what you now know you never could have had with him. That’s all right, and you’ll put it into perspective and move forward.
I admire the way you’ve managed to keep him as part of your life with your children and SO. Well done.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Jul 25, 2020 20:29:04 GMT
Hugs...
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kate
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Post by kate on Jul 25, 2020 20:39:38 GMT
That is a lot to process, especially if you are in a social circle or area of the country where "gay" is a word that is whispered. Please know that the fact that he is attracted to men does NOT mean he "never loved you" or was "pretending" the whole time in your relationship. We are complex beings, and as scrapngranny related, it is entirely possible that he loved you very much in every way, even while realizing he was (also) attracted to men. Sexual orientation is a spectrum; it's not just 3 distinct categories (straight, gay, or bi). You probably already know that. I'm glad you have your SO to hold you. And you have the RefuPeas to "talk" to 24/7. Hang in there, and feel free to vent or unload here any time. (((hugs)))
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smcast
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Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Jul 25, 2020 20:44:27 GMT
I'm sure you feel betrayed and wonder what was real and what wasn't. Very frustrating. I'm sorry you have to relive pain with this new bombshell and deal with so much more .
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Post by Zee on Jul 25, 2020 20:48:23 GMT
I'm so sorry. That's why it's so important that we continue to model acceptance of gay people, so they don't ever feel a need to live a false life that doesn't work for anyone.
I would feel lied to, hurt, angry, etc. just like you. But of course it's no one's fault, really; I still understand your anger/sadness.
The same thing happened to my MIL in the 60s with her first husband, though he left after she had a miscarriage and she was able to move on and find happiness with my FIL. I know that's not the same as building an entire life. Many hugs.
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