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Post by gar on Jul 25, 2020 21:04:57 GMT
I can only imagine how this will take a while to process...that's completely understandable and ok. You're only human and your life wasn't what you thought it was...and that's ok. Be kind to yourself
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Post by silverlining on Jul 25, 2020 21:26:48 GMT
All I can say is I'm so sorry. You tried so hard for so long to make your marriage work. I hope that some day you can feel proud of all you did, even while you were miserable.
We can only hope now that young men and women will be freer to know who they are, respect who they are, and not build lives on lies. Your story could be a big help someday to someone who is struggling.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,726
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Jul 25, 2020 21:35:56 GMT
Hugs to you. Of course you will feel hurt and raw for a while, this is something that will take some time to process and make peace with.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,730
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jul 25, 2020 22:20:35 GMT
Hugs from me too. That's a lot to process, even though you sort of knew it instinctively all along. To have it out in the open and validated is still a shock. I suspect you'll be surprised by how quickly you'll settle into the new reality, especially as nothing practical has changed. I'm guessing you'll be more worried about other people's reactions than anything else? Do your children know yet?
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Post by Mel on Jul 25, 2020 23:41:35 GMT
Yes, the kids all know. None of them really care one way or the other. It will open up a little dialog though because now if they ask I can talk to them about things. My oldest DD(23) has made comments in the past that I let slide by because I didn't think it was my place to say anything. I've never lied to her just never validated her if she made an off handed remark(looking for an answer maybe?). He has spoken to his brother so pretty much all of the important people know. I told my mom, she knew long ago too though, we are close. No judgment of course. They have always had a good relationship and I've always been ok with that too.
Our family has always been a little dysfunctional. LOL
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jul 26, 2020 0:47:29 GMT
I think anyone would have to take some time to process a revelation like that and I'm sure it raises many questions for you to ponder. You sound pretty well grounded and are giving good guidance to your kids. You're going to handle this just fine. Be patient with yourself.
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Post by gryroagain on Jul 26, 2020 0:58:22 GMT
That is hard, and your feelings are valid. I’m glad you have a wonderful SO, and 4 great kids.
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Post by peasapie on Jul 26, 2020 1:04:07 GMT
That's a lot to process, I'm sure. I would imagine you are wondering what was real and what wasn't ... at least, that's what I wondered when I found out my ex was a serial cheater. (Also, I wondered at the time if it was my fault...but since understood it wasn't about me.) Anyway, all that matters is that the relationship was real to you - that's all we can know.
Whether he has known all along or just discovered this about himself, hopefully he will be able to live an actualized life from this point forward. It sounds like you have moved on to a happy and healthy relationship.
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MaryMary
Pearl Clutcher
Lazy
Posts: 2,975
Jun 25, 2014 21:56:13 GMT
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Post by MaryMary on Jul 26, 2020 1:06:30 GMT
Mel, okay lady... I can relate to all of this and it’s kind of a relief to know that these feelings are normal. My ex is also gay. There were moments in the marriage that I would wonder... is he gay? And then convince myself otherwise. After the divorce, multiple people have straight up asked me if he is gay, which made me feel so dumb that I couldn’t see it myself for so long.
Even though I consider myself an LGBTQ ally, even though I voted for gay marriage in WA years ago, even though I understand that his parents would crap their pants if they knew, even though I know our church surely impacted his decision to marry a girl and pretend you are straight... I am still so mad that he didn’t tell me before we got married. I am so mad that I spent 20 years trying to fix a busted marriage without understanding the real issue. The issue that HE KNEW but had to keep hiding, so instead he placed all the blame on me.
And every now and then I can actually pity him, but then without fail he acts like a complete asshole again and I’m back to wishing painful and debilitating diseases on him.
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Post by Alexxussss on Jul 26, 2020 1:39:31 GMT
What a tremendously difficult situation you’re dealing with. I’m sorry. Sending you positive vibes and a big hug!
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breetheflea
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,887
Location: PNW
Jul 20, 2014 21:57:23 GMT
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Post by breetheflea on Jul 26, 2020 2:27:12 GMT
My sister went through the same thing with her ex-husband. I think she always knew... his parents sent him to camps to "cure" him when he was in high school. My sister knew him way back then...
They are both now remarried, share custody of their two kids, and go on vacations together with the new husbands and kids.
All your emotions are valid. Hugs!
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Jul 26, 2020 2:33:03 GMT
Big hugs from me. You did not cause this. As hard as it is, try to remind yourself this is about him and it was never about you. He was hiding his true identity from himself and you were just along for the ride. I hope you both find peace and love.
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Post by bc2ca on Jul 26, 2020 3:10:01 GMT
I get that... but this is, selfishly, about my side of things. First, I think you were incredibly brave to leave an unhappy marriage and take a leap into the unknown. Second, your feelings about your ex's revelation are valid. You may have suspected, but him saying "I'm gay" makes it realer than real and brings back a lot of what if's, grieving and anger and anyone would be feeling raw experiencing all that at once and it's definitely not selfish. Third, I think it's wonderful that you've found a SO and moved on emotionally.
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Post by refugeepea on Jul 26, 2020 3:14:48 GMT
((hugs))
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Post by worrywart on Jul 26, 2020 3:28:46 GMT
Your feelings are entirely valid. The hope that I read in your post was that despite it all - you, ex, and your partner have been able to work together for the good of the family. You can honor your feelings while still supporting your ex and your family. What a great example you are setting for your children! (((hugs)))
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Post by tentoes on Jul 26, 2020 5:47:27 GMT
I feel for you girl! I had an experience with "gayness" that left me sad too. It was my cousin. He married a wonderful lady and had two kids. I loved those kids like they were my own! I used to babysit for them all the time and when I had kids of my own, I even named one of them after one of my cousins. The point is, my cousin left this wonderful lady to have a fling with a man. The lady was hurt and disillusioned. She had no idea that the cousin was gay. Nobody did in fact!! The lady didn't want to get a divorce because she was Catholic, and at that time, she wouldn't have been been able to receive sacraments--. I know nothing about the Catholic religion--that is just what I was told. Anyhow, she moved to another state, and I never saw my cousins again--ever. I was hurt with that loss. My cousin ended up with another woman--not sure he ever married her--but they had 3 more kids. They were in another state, and I only got to meet them once or twice. He ended up leaving that lady too-- I guess he couldn't come to believe he was gay either. That was many years ago, and gayness wasn't as "out" as it is now. I felt sorry for the women and the kids he had as he was trying to be a man. I feel sorry for everybody that gets hurt. I guess he was probably hurt too--not being able to be who he was.
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Jul 26, 2020 9:29:20 GMT
I'm so sorry. What a lot to deal with. Your feelings ARE totally valid, and it's OK. Big hugs.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 26, 2020 11:54:29 GMT
Anyhow, she moved to another state, and I never saw my cousins again--ever. I was hurt with that loss. Oh how heartbreaking....not to derail this thread...but have you looked for them> I bet they miss you as much as you miss them
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snyder
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,937
Location: Colorado
Apr 26, 2017 6:14:47 GMT
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Post by snyder on Jul 26, 2020 12:59:17 GMT
I'm sorry you're feeling raw. I will say a prayer that you can heal and find peace soon and that you can continue to be friends for your children's sake, as it appears that has been good for them. And I will pray that they will continue to have a healthy relationship with their father and be able to accept him for who it is. {{{Hugs}}}
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Post by auntkelly on Jul 26, 2020 13:29:53 GMT
It sounds to me like you are a really great mother and you are understanding of your ex. You seem to be handling things really well .
The only thing I don’t understand is why you feel like you can’t talk to your close friends and family about the situation. You say it’s his story to tell, but it seems to me like you were part of the marriage and were deeply impacted by your husband’s secret, so it should be your story to tell as well. I’m not suggesting that you post about it on Facebook or tell everyone you see on the street, but if it makes you feel better to talk to close friends and trusted family members about the situation I think you should feel free to do so.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 29, 2024 21:32:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2020 13:38:51 GMT
You sound so kind and grounded.
Your kids are lucky to have you as their mom.
It makes me ill how many marriages through time have had needless heartbreak because society decided to tell people which love was ok and which wasn't.
I hope you gently find a way past the rawness to peace of mind.
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mimix3
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Jun 15, 2020 0:56:27 GMT
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Post by mimix3 on Jul 26, 2020 15:05:19 GMT
Mel, can I ask you how you KNEW it for a long time? I am certainly not being judgy, I just have someone in my life that I have often wondered about and was curious to the signs?
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Post by delila on Jul 26, 2020 16:55:21 GMT
Mel, can I ask you how you KNEW it for a long time? I am certainly not being judgy, I just have someone in my life that I have often wondered about and was curious to the signs? Please add me to this “wondering for a long time” group. I too have someone close to me, maybe too close that I suspect of being gay (not like it’s a bad thing at all) & if you don’t mind please tell us some of the subtle hints that you were able to pick up on that made your gaydar ping. One thing I have noticed with this particular person is that he protests against gays TOO much. He’s youngish & has NO interest in his wife at all. I understand that none of this can mean much at all. This dude is just well...I don’t know what!
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Post by tentoes on Jul 26, 2020 19:13:13 GMT
Anyhow, she moved to another state, and I never saw my cousins again--ever. I was hurt with that loss. Oh how heartbreaking....not to derail this thread...but have you looked for them> I bet they miss you as much as you miss them Yes--but I imagine they are married and go by other names now.
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cakediva
Drama Llama
Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,406
Location: Fergus, Ontario
Jun 26, 2014 11:53:40 GMT
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Post by cakediva on Jul 26, 2020 19:32:22 GMT
Mel, okay lady... I can relate to all of this and it’s kind of a relief to know that these feelings are normal. My ex is also gay. There were moments in the marriage that I would wonder... is he gay? And then convince myself otherwise. After the divorce, multiple people have straight up asked me if he is gay, which made me feel so dumb that I couldn’t see it myself for so long. Even though I consider myself an LGBTQ ally, even though I voted for gay marriage in WA years ago, even though I understand that his parents would crap their pants if they knew, even though I know our church surely impacted his decision to marry a girl and pretend you are straight... I am still so mad that he didn’t tell me before we got married. I am so mad that I spent 20 years trying to fix a busted marriage without understanding the real issue. The issue that HE KNEW but had to keep hiding, so instead he placed all the blame on me. And every now and then I can actually pity him, but then without fail he acts like a complete asshole again and I’m back to wishing painful and debilitating diseases on him. Mary I "liked" your post not to necessarily like it, but to offer support and hugs....
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Post by christine58 on Jul 26, 2020 19:33:15 GMT
Oh how heartbreaking....not to derail this thread...but have you looked for them> I bet they miss you as much as you miss them Yes--but I imagine they are married and go by other names now. Maybe you could look for their mom. I bet they would love to see you as it sounds like you all loved each other a lot...
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Post by Mel on Jul 26, 2020 19:33:42 GMT
Mel, can I ask you how you KNEW it for a long time? I am certainly not being judgy, I just have someone in my life that I have often wondered about and was curious to the signs? Hmmm... I think the one big thing was our sex life was always really difficult for me. It was more a "chore". I know that sounds really strange, but that's the only word I can come up with. He always said it was because of his diabetes (ok, I know it could have been a health issue but I always felt like it was me... guess not! ) I found some things on the computer that he claimed must have just been pop ups, he had no idea how they got there (I didn't know any better at the time but did a little research, nope... not pop ups). He has never been real "manly" for lack of a better word, but totally over compensates in some situations. Sports for example, he is NOT into sports but he tries to act like he is... Baseball, football, racing... he tries to play too and it's not a good thing! I know some men just aren't "sporty" but it's just different. I can't explain it. He is always the odd man out when it comes to going out with the "guys" for a beer, etc. He tries way too hard to fit in. And, in case anyone thinks that the occasional stereotype of gay men being good at design/color coordination is a myth... it's really not. He can decorate a room better than anyone I know! LOL Just thought I'd add that to end on a lighter note.
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Post by Mel on Jul 26, 2020 19:35:03 GMT
By the way, Mary... I could have written your post too! Hugs!
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Post by tentoes on Jul 26, 2020 19:39:17 GMT
Yes--but I imagine they are married and go by other names now. Maybe you could look for their mom. I bet they would love to see you as it sounds like you all loved each other a lot... She'd be at least in her 90's or older--but I guess it's worth a try!
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Post by christine58 on Jul 26, 2020 19:40:22 GMT
Maybe you could look for their mom. I bet they would love to see you as it sounds like you all loved each other a lot... She'd be at least in her 90's or older--but I guess it's worth a try! Hate to suggest this but maybe search obits??? Their names might be listed...
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