I don't understand why my DH won't visit his parents

Does he call and talk to his father regular? What would visits with his parent's look like in the past? With him asking "what am I supposed to do?" it sounds like he is not used to a sit and chat kind of visit unless someone else is there to lead the conversation.

It's hard to judge what someone else is able/willing to do based on what I would do. An hour is about the limit of a visit with my dad, in part because he doesn't like variation to his regimented schedule, so a 12 hour round trip drive is a big ask IMHO. Would your DH stay overnight?

With my mom's care home visits are pretty restricted. Only dad can see her once a week at a set time for an hour. Is your DH able to show up at any time?

I would encourage a video visit first and see how that goes. If they can't keep a conversation going for more than 15-20 minutes it would be hard for your DH to see the point of the drive.

Your dh might be overwhelmed with the situation in that his parents have/are becoming frail. Some people find that very difficult to deal with, particularly with parents.

If there isn’t any history of abuse or something, I’d think he’s just emotionally overwhelmed and trying to avoid the reality of his parents’ situations/vulnerabilities. As gently as possible I’d plan the trips and go with him to lend support and to visit the ILs and provide them support as best as possible.

I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation.

You expect him to drive 6 hours for a check up? That's not a simple thing. Is he calling his dad? Perhaps you should focus on getting him and his brothers to call more often vs driving 6 hours just to "stop by." For us, 6 hours will get us to Mackinac Bridge, over, and at least an hour past St Ignanic. Shit, it's 3 hours to MIL's lake house and DH hates that drive!

I’d be curious what his relationship was with his parents before. DH and I have totally different relationships with our parents. He’s called his every week since he left home for college. He’s now 62 and still calls his mom 1-2x a week. My mom died last year, but before then we rarely talked on the phone. We would write letters and we visited more the last few years before she died. Truthfully, it was at DH’s urging that we did visit. To this day he doesn’t get the lack of communication and I can’t explain it to him in a way he understands. People have different relationships is all I can come up with. My mom and I would goes years without communicating and then pick up right where we left off. It didn’t help that I left home and never returned after high school. We never lived close and she wouldn’t travel to see me. There were other issues, but mostly I am a product of my upbringing which tends to “out of sight, out of mind.”

It sounds like your DH is very concrete and doesn't understand that people need more than concrete needs met to flourish and thrive. 

I would probably go visit to give some extra love.

This is where I’m at too. He’s supposed to drive six hours to see them and then do what? Where is he supposed to stay once he’s there, or is he then supposed to turn around and drive back home? Not to mention he’s going to need to stop multiple times for gas, to use the restroom, get something to eat and all of those stops he’s likely to encounter other people which also increases risk of coming in contact with someone who has Covid, right before he sees his elderly dad. I think I too would be taking a hard pass on all of that.

I think if it were me, I would step up the phone calls (or FaceTime, Skype, Google Hangouts if they have the tech to do those things) with both parents just to chat vs. going in person, especially since there really isn’t anything he can actually do, when there are other safer ways to connect with people in the current situation. He should also encourage his other siblings to step up their phone calls with mom and dad too.

My dd and her husband bought an ipad for his parents so they could do facetime with them. His father is very hard of hearing, and phone calls don't go over too well--but seeing them, and talking on facetime is going well. His mom especially likes it. They are both in their 80's and live in New York. My daughter and son in law live in California, so visiting regularly is hard during this pandemic. They did meet this past summer at the family cottage in Connecticut for 2 weeks but it's hard because dd and sil had to fly there. Then they "quarantined" for several days before his parents got there.

Six hours is a long drive. Could he do a video chat? Is your FIL tech savvy for that? The nursing home should be able to arrange one for his mother.

My question is whether he visited them before their health declined? If he wasn't in the habit of visiting then, then he isn't likely to visit that much now particularly with restrictions. Some families just don't visit. I don't agree with it and can't imagine not keeping a check on my parents. I have a cousin who lived about 6 hours from his parents and he came to see them two or three times a year from what I remember but he stayed the weekend of course. It is too long a trip not to. He has a brother who lived next door to the parents so he knew they were checked on daily.

If you love and care about your dh’s parents, don’t strongarm him into driving 6 hours, potentially bringing them COVID, finding places to eat and sleep - increasing his risk of contracting COVID if he doesn’t already have it, then driving home 6 hours to potentially bring COVID into your house.

There are other ways to check in with his parents right now. These times are very different than when your mom was in a nursing home. It isn’t safe - especially with COVID running rampant through the nation - to go visit right now.

I’m going to drop off Chanukah food for my mom shortly. It is only a 45 minute drive to her assisted living. But I still don’t get to talk with her- I get to drop off bags on a table in a foyer and then a staff member brings them into the building and gives them to her. So, I don’t get to see her at all - no porch visits, etc. We talk on the phone and text. Your husband can do that with his parents. I doubt that he would be allowed anywhere near his mom as it is.

My sister and I have completely different relationships with our parents. She lives in OH, 8 hrs away from us, and I am in MD about 20 min away from them. She talks to them 1-2x a DAY, and I rarely talk or text them. But, part of that is she is not married or have kids, and I have my own family, and I just don't need my mom up in my shit every day, LOL. She and my sister were always closer, and that has just continued. I respect that, and I also realize I could probably make the effort if I wanted that kind of relationship with them, but honestly, I just don't LOL. I would be resentful if someone judged/compared my relationship with my parents with my sister with the way they thought it "should be." 

Let it go. If you want to go out there, do it but do consider the risk/benefit ratio. Who is really benefitting from this?

I am confused about the need to see his father in person when the risk is not exactly low. 6 hours is not exactly a short jog. And a trip to wave from the porch is one that I would have a tough time making as well.

My MIL lives alone in FL and has recently been showing signs of dementia. We are in NJ so not exactly easy to get to and not low risk either. I do talk to her more often than dh does. Oddly enough, my dh has visited my father, prepandemic, most often than I have. My father has become quite frail in the last two years and also lives in FL He lives with his wife. I do try to check in with him by phone every other week or so. If he lived alone, we would have had to have had him move in with someone or move to a memory assisted living type facility. I know there is a possibility I will not see him in person before he passes away but I do not see taking the risk of possibly bringing the virus to him as being worth the risk.

Can't one of you give him a ring every day instead?

My saving grace: they raised the speed limit on US2,

I agree 6 hours is a long drive to stop and check in on someone. Does FIL have any friends he is interacting with? Do you (or dh) FaceTime him at all? 

I could see making the drive if FIL seemed off in some way: was getting forgetful, seemed depressed, etc.