Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,706 
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Post by Dani-Mani on Feb 5, 2021 20:01:10 GMT
Yeah. Real title.
Long story short, some of you may remember my dad cheated on my mom while married and they divorced after 25+ years of marriage. He then tells me (I’m in my late 20s at the time) I have two siblings. I’ve never met them; they’re 6 and 12 now. He was married to my mom (and they hadn’t yet got divorced or discussed it) when the oldest was born. I can’t tell the entire story cause imma sell the rights to lifetime one day so I can pay off my student loans...
My dad moved in with his mom and we stopped visiting her and stuck to short phone calls because the kids were always in the background. We still have a good relationship with her, however; and have never felt any differently towards my granma just because her son is a cheating dick.
Sadly, her heart is failing and today they released her to hospice at her house. Of course my sister and I want to see her one last time and also want her to see us.
But the kids are home all day, virtual learning. I’m assuming the mistress is to. He’s supposedly married to her now but I ain’t never seen a marriage license sooo...
Any tips? Cause I’m saucy enough to go in and say “you must be the whore who slept with my dad while he was married and had a family and sent our childhood house into foreclosure because he was paying for your kids and not us” but given grandma’s sick and dying, probably not the best greeting?
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,329
Location: MN
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Post by smcast on Feb 5, 2021 20:07:19 GMT
Can you arrange a time when she's not there? She could take kids out to supper or for a drive so you and your sister could come over. I think that would be more relaxing and then you can focus on your Grandma. I would think she could at least offer that up, since you haven't been a part of your dad's new life and people in it.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,625
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Feb 5, 2021 20:07:26 GMT
This literally has nothing to do with your father. It’s your grandmother. Put all the other stuff aside and just think “this is about her, not him” and do the right thing and visit a dying woman.
And I don’t think she’d want you to create drama or say anything mean to them either.
This is “it sucks to be an adult, but I’ll be a grown up about this” time.
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,706
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Post by Dani-Mani on Feb 5, 2021 20:15:30 GMT
This literally has nothing to do with your father. It’s your grandmother. Put all the other stuff aside and just think “this is about her, not him” and do the right thing and visit a dying woman. And I don’t think she’d want you to create drama or say anything mean to them either. This is “it sucks to be an adult, but I’ll be a grown up about this” time. We are going to visit her regardless. She’s been a wonderful grandmother my entire life and I wouldn’t dare not say goodbye unless we couldn’t because the doctors won’t release her home. Adult or not, your father living a secret double life and going on cruises with his new family while pretending to pay the bills that landed his old family on the street sticks with you forever. My grandmother has nothing to do with him, but they clearly are in her house and I can’t avoid that. |
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Post by hop2 on Feb 5, 2021 20:22:58 GMT
I completely understand your animosity towards you father
But keep this in mind - your half sibling are innocent and are you sure the ‘mistress’ knew your father was married? I mean he lied to your mom so lying to her isn’t too far fetched
I’m so sorry about your grandma
Hugs
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Feb 5, 2021 20:23:16 GMT
I've walked a similar path; I'm basically the 12 year old in your story.
In addition to focusing on your grandmother, try to remember that whatever you think about your dad and the mistress, none of it is the kids' fault or responsibility. Treat them like any other children you're meeting for the first time. You're not obligated to be their besties just because you share DNA, but you should at least be civil to them, and that includes avoiding a confrontation with their parents. The kids might not remember the details of meeting you, but they will remember the feelings.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 29, 2024 11:01:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2021 20:25:43 GMT
The kids are innocent and I'd treat them as such. The woman might also be innocent, but I'll wait for your movie to come out. Until then, I'd just be cordial and thankful that they aren't blocking you from seeing your grandmother one last time.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
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Post by scrappington on Feb 5, 2021 20:27:53 GMT
I've walked a similar path; I'm basically the 12 year old in your story. In addition to focusing on your grandmother, try to remember that whatever you think about your dad and the mistress, none of it is the kids' fault or responsibility. Treat them like any other children you're meeting for the first time. You're not obligated to be their besties just because you share DNA, but you should at least be civil to them, and that includes avoiding a confrontation with their parents. The kids might not remember the details of meeting you, but they will remember the feelings. Yes it's not the kids fault. Go see your grandmother. You don't have to speak to anyone else. But kids are going to be inquisitive. So be prepared. If someone like your dad approach you just say another time .. and you never have to deal with it after your grandmother is at peace. |
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Post by fiddlesticks on Feb 5, 2021 20:31:29 GMT
I think you go and say goodbye to your grandmother and completely ignore anyone else that is there. If they are smart, they will steer clear of you and your sister. If they are clueless, then I think you tell your father you need some quiet time alone with your grandmother and that request needs to be met, if nothing else out of respect for his mother.
In the children's defense, they are children and it isn't their fault that their dad is a cheating dick anymore than it is your fault, which it isn't. I guess I say that to not take it out on the kids. If you need to, once she passes and the service is over, you don't ever have to see your dad again if that's what you want.
And, for what it's worth, I am really sorry about your grandmother. She sounds like she impacted your life in a very positive way.
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,706
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Post by Dani-Mani on Feb 5, 2021 20:34:20 GMT
I've walked a similar path; I'm basically the 12 year old in your story. In addition to focusing on your grandmother, try to remember that whatever you think about your dad and the mistress, none of it is the kids' fault or responsibility. Treat them like any other children you're meeting for the first time. You're not obligated to be their besties just because you share DNA, but you should at least be civil to them, and that includes avoiding a confrontation with their parents. The kids might not remember the details of meeting you, but they will remember the feelings. Thank you ❤️ |
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Post by Laurie on Feb 5, 2021 20:39:22 GMT
Would your dad be willing to take his mistress and kids for a drive or something during that time? Not just because of the history but also so you and your sister can have some one on one quiet, alone time with your grandma.
Like a pp said your grandma and the kids are innocent in this. They never asked to be a participant in the poor choices your father (and the mistress) made. However, I still think you and your sister deserve some time with just your grandma.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,885
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Feb 5, 2021 20:40:11 GMT
It's not the kids fault, so try not to take it out on them. I would go and say goodbye to your grandmother, be courteous to the children and leave it at that. Your dad sounds like a real piece of work and you have every right to be angry with him.
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anniebeth24
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,563
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Post by anniebeth24 on Feb 5, 2021 20:43:22 GMT
I've been in your place and was surprised by the presence of Dad's other woman at a holiday gathering. I nearly vomited when she tried to hold my child.
My advice would be to try not to engage as you will probably have emotions you're not expecting.
Sending hugs of support as you say goodbye to a dear grandmother.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 5, 2021 20:44:09 GMT
I wouldn't engage at all. If either spoke to me, I'd simply say, "I'm here to say goodbye to my grandmother." Nothing good will come of anything else.
ETA I guess it depends on the kids, but doubted there'd be much interaction with them anyway - you're a stranger. I think the kindest thing for them is to not cause a scene with their parents - other than that, I doubt they're expecting anything.
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,706
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Post by Dani-Mani on Feb 5, 2021 20:47:05 GMT
I wouldn't engage at all. If either spoke to me, I'd simply say, "I'm here to say goodbye to my grandmother." Nothing good will come of anything else. This is the route we plan to take. ❤️ Yes the kids are innocent. But I don’t want a relationship with any of them and never have. |
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Post by peano on Feb 5, 2021 20:47:18 GMT
I think you've been given great advice. I don't get where you are with meeting the mistress and the kids. Do you have a goal in mind, e.g. I want to get to know my half-siblings better, I have no interest in/emotional readiness for meeting them, or something else? I would maybe sit with that for a while. If your goal is strictly to say goodbye to your grandmother, which is non-negotiable, that is a difficult and overwhelming proposition enough, without having to deal with the emotions of seeing your father and his second family. Wherever you are be gentle with yourself 'cause saying goodbye is hard. I'm sorry about your grandmother.
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,706
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Post by Dani-Mani on Feb 5, 2021 20:48:42 GMT
I wouldn't engage at all. If either spoke to me, I'd simply say, "I'm here to say goodbye to my grandmother." Nothing good will come of anything else. ETA I guess it depends on the kids, but doubted there'd be much interaction with them anyway - you're a stranger. I think the kindest thing for them is to not cause a scene with their parents - other than that, I doubt they're expecting anything. They know we exist; they just don’t know *who* we are if that makes sense. |
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Post by christine58 on Feb 5, 2021 20:58:19 GMT
Any tips? Cause I’m saucy enough to go in and say “you must be the whore who slept with my dad while he was married and had a family and sent our childhood house into foreclosure because he was paying for your kids and not us” but given grandma’s sick and dying, probably not the best greeting? Your father is as much to blame as she is so referring to her as a “whore” does no good. Those children are innocent remember that just like you were. Be kind to them and ignore your father and their mother. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 29, 2024 11:01:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2021 20:59:40 GMT
I can't add to what's already been shared but just wanted to offer you kind thoughts and condolences. That sounds incredibly difficult.
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Post by tentoes on Feb 5, 2021 21:02:24 GMT
I'm sorry you are in this situation. I hope you and your sister can have a nice visit with your grandmother. ((HUGS))
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Post by twinks on Feb 5, 2021 21:21:41 GMT
First, I am so sorry about your grandmother. It is hard to lose someone we love and had an impact on our life.
Your focus is on her. But, I would walk in with my head held high and be courteous and gracious. If the mistress is there, say, “Hi! I’m Dani-Mani. It is nice to meet you. Do the same with her children. A simple “Hi Dad!” (Or whatever you refer to him as but, Dick isn’t appropriate). That is all you have to say. If anything else, you just say, “I am here to see my Grandmother.” Nothing more. Think Margaret Thatcher. Smile, be nice, be classy but don’t give in. Don’t let them bring you down to their level.
However, if I didn’t want my children meeting their half siblings, I probably wouldn’t be there.
Again, my heartfelt thoughts are with you and your Grandmother
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Feb 5, 2021 21:41:14 GMT
With Covid still being here I would wear my mask and say hello. Hopefully, your Grandmother will be in her own room and you can visit her there.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Feb 5, 2021 21:56:24 GMT
I’m sorry for what you have to face. It sounds hard and I think your feelings are completely normal.
I think being the kindest and best person I could possibly be in that situation would make me feel so much better than anything else I think might be deserved. You can imagine all kinds of snarky things to say. Just don’t let those imaginations out!
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Post by gar on Feb 5, 2021 22:13:37 GMT
I'm sorry about your grandmother and for the situation in which you have to visit her. I can't give you any advice but I just want to say I understand how much of a big deal it must feel just to know you'll be around them. I hope it goes smoothly.
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Post by peace on Feb 5, 2021 22:30:58 GMT
Any tips? Cause I’m saucy enough to go in and say “you must be the whore who slept with my dad while he was married and had a family and sent our childhood house into foreclosure because he was paying for your kids and not us” but given grandma’s sick and dying, probably not the best greeting? Your father is as much to blame as she is so referring to her as a “whore” does no good. Those children are innocent remember that just like you were. Be kind to them and ignore your father and their mother. but see- unless this is part of the lifetime movie to which we are not privy (yet)- how do we know what she knew?? When men cheat, I have found they come up with some whopper lies to keep that mistress. And that mistress usually buys it because they want to but I always place all blame on the cheater. He promised to have to to hold, etc- she didn't. This is on him. Just my input because I have had friends go down similar paths because of a lying liars that lie. None of that really matters because you don't want a relationship of any of them but I thought I'd throw that out there. I hope you aren't too stressed about it all. May you find some peace and have some special moments with your grandmother. |
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Post by freecharlie on Feb 5, 2021 22:53:18 GMT
Can you pick her up and take her somewhere or is she too frail for that?
Is there a place in her house you could shut the door and shut them out?
I wouldn't speak to the woman or your dad. If the kids say hello, I'd say hello back. They didn't do anything
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Post by bc2ca on Feb 5, 2021 23:01:14 GMT
I'm so sorry you could be forced to face your dad's second family in such a stressful situation.  I hope they will respect that you and your sister are there to say good-bye to your grandma and they will give you the time and space to do that. |
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Post by powderhorngreen on Feb 5, 2021 23:58:36 GMT
Not a whole lot more to add to what has already been said. Just stopping in to say you've got this, focus on the love for your grandmother, and you can do this!!!
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Post by cade387 on Feb 6, 2021 0:03:35 GMT
You already have some great advice. If you are on speaking terms enough with your dad to schedule the visit then perhaps you can tell him that he respect that you are coming to say goodbye and would rather not socialize with the rest of the family.
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Post by SockMonkey on Feb 6, 2021 0:09:32 GMT
I don't really have any advice. I'm just really sorry you have to deal with your dad's drama at a time when you're grieving someone you love.
I hope it all goes okay.
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