|
|
Post by Scrapper100 on May 24, 2021 16:32:28 GMT
That sounds like an incredibly difficult situation, and I am so very sorry you're going through that. I would be devastated and so hurt if either of my kids were like that. The two obvious things that come to mind (therapy and him going to live with his dad) are not an option, as you've mentioned in subsequent posts. Ugh, I'm at a loss, I can only imagine how helpless you must feel. Oh, and your ex is a piece of shit. What a vindictive little man. And a coward too. He says that he won't have one son live with him without the other, and he knows damn well that you would never allow him to have custody of both kids. Chances are he doesn't want full time custody, and this way he gets to make you look like the bad guy again. "Oh son, I would love for you and your brother to live with me, but mum won't allow it." I would so bet he is playing that card since he has lied about so many other things. What a hard place to be right now. I agree to with the he is just a small spiteful human. |
|
kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305 
|
Post by kibblesandbits on May 24, 2021 17:00:04 GMT
Therapy. Your ex-husband isn't the only one that has created this situation. Your son is grieving his lost family, one that you seem to have blissfully moved on from. Doesn't matter that the youngest has adjusted better. What a mess. Your ex is a dick. But you have some culpability here too. Why? Why can't you be nice? If you feel like OP has some culpability, why do you have to be so rude about it? How do you know she's blissfully moved on? How can you so summarily dismiss the enormous impact that her ex had on this poor kid (telling him lies about his mom, cheating on his wife, removing his kids from sports, etc.). craftymom101 has found someone to support and love her. I promise you that was probably the absolute best thing that she could have done in this situation. Her son has a stable, loving family in his home now. I just do not understand your need to be so ugly when you could say something similar but more helpful. Who do you think listens when you are that ugly? To me, it sounds like Crafty is a pretty incredible mom who is trying to figure out how to help her son in the best way. You, OTOH, are not a help at all. *shrug* think what you want. My response was hardly rude. Blunt, maybe. I’m old enough to realize there are lots of sides to every story and we only often get to hear just one, and it usually the one the paints the teller in the best light while 100% demonizing the other. Also old enough to not give a shit about a random internet person’s opinion of me. |
|
pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,971
|
Post by pinklady on May 24, 2021 17:30:22 GMT
Why? Why can't you be nice? If you feel like OP has some culpability, why do you have to be so rude about it? How do you know she's blissfully moved on? How can you so summarily dismiss the enormous impact that her ex had on this poor kid (telling him lies about his mom, cheating on his wife, removing his kids from sports, etc.). craftymom101 has found someone to support and love her. I promise you that was probably the absolute best thing that she could have done in this situation. Her son has a stable, loving family in his home now. I just do not understand your need to be so ugly when you could say something similar but more helpful. Who do you think listens when you are that ugly? To me, it sounds like Crafty is a pretty incredible mom who is trying to figure out how to help her son in the best way. You, OTOH, are not a help at all. *shrug* think what you want. My response was hardly rude. Blunt, maybe. I’m old enough to realize there are lots of sides to every story and we only often get to hear just one, and it usually the one the paints the teller in the best light while 100% demonizing the other. Also old enough to not give a shit about a random internet person’s opinion of me. Yet you are the board "reporter" when you don't like what someone else has to say. In actuality, you have a lot of growing up to do. |
|
|
|
Post by coaliesquirrel on May 24, 2021 17:37:09 GMT
I don't have any divorce experience, but you mentioned that he's an introvert, and I just wanted to touch on that for a minute. For a true introvert, all the peopleyness of school can be incredibly draining. I don't know how long SO and their family has been in your son's life, but people you don't know well are more draining or stressful to be around than people you're very comfortable with. Please try not to take it personally that he wants to recharge in his room by himself after school! It can truly be necessary and refreshing, and if you poke him about it all the time, you set yourself up as an adversary for no reason.
While I understand that you want him to spend time with you, maybe part of what's turning him off is the pressure for in-person communicating. Could you try to build a stronger relationship via text/email? Even when he's home, you can text him that dinner will be ready in 15 minutes instead of hollering at him to give him time to prepare for that interaction. At random times, you could send him a message with a meme you found that made you think of him, or asking which of several options he'd prefer for dinner, or if he has plans for the evening - not TOO much, certainly, but just occasionally.
Introverts are sort of like cats - the more you call them, the more they ignore you. But if you let them come to you on their own terms, before you know it, there's one in your lap. So maybe you could suggest - at least to start - some lower-interaction togetherness activities like movies, watching a sporting event, or going to a museum/exhibition of some sort. Or, join him where he is by asking him to teach you a game he loves, or engaging him in some other topic that's important to him. Probably with just you, or you and his brother, will be far better received than (in his mind) this random other family that's been foisted on him.
I'm sorry you - and he - are having a difficult time, and I hope you find your way to a relationship that works for you both.
|
|
kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
|
Post by kibblesandbits on May 24, 2021 18:04:36 GMT
*shrug* think what you want. My response was hardly rude. Blunt, maybe. I’m old enough to realize there are lots of sides to every story and we only often get to hear just one, and it usually the one the paints the teller in the best light while 100% demonizing the other. Also old enough to not give a shit about a random internet person’s opinion of me. Yet you are the board "reporter" when you don't like what someone else has to say. In actuality, you have a lot of growing up to do. When I start calling people vulgar names, then you can get after me. |
|
|
|
Post by tealpaperowl on May 24, 2021 18:46:33 GMT
I would let him go. There is no way that behavior would be acceptable in my house. I went through a bitter divorce similar to this with two boys. They learned before long where the lies really were.. now one of them doesnt even speak to his father. They are both grown teens.
|
|
Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,230
|
Post by Peamac on May 24, 2021 18:48:55 GMT
I don't have any divorce experience, but you mentioned that he's an introvert, and I just wanted to touch on that for a minute. For a true introvert, all the peopleyness of school can be incredibly draining. I don't know how long SO and their family has been in your son's life, but people you don't know well are more draining or stressful to be around than people you're very comfortable with. Please try not to take it personally that he wants to recharge in his room by himself after school! It can truly be necessary and refreshing, and if you poke him about it all the time, you set yourself up as an adversary for no reason. While I understand that you want him to spend time with you, maybe part of what's turning him off is the pressure for in-person communicating. Could you try to build a stronger relationship via text/email? Even when he's home, you can text him that dinner will be ready in 15 minutes instead of hollering at him to give him time to prepare for that interaction. At random times, you could send him a message with a meme you found that made you think of him, or asking which of several options he'd prefer for dinner, or if he has plans for the evening - not TOO much, certainly, but just occasionally. Introverts are sort of like cats - the more you call them, the more they ignore you. But if you let them come to you on their own terms, before you know it, there's one in your lap. So maybe you could suggest - at least to start - some lower-interaction togetherness activities like movies, watching a sporting event, or going to a museum/exhibition of some sort. Or, join him where he is by asking him to teach you a game he loves, or engaging him in some other topic that's important to him. Probably with just you, or you and his brother, will be far better received than (in his mind) this random other family that's been foisted on him. I'm sorry you - and he - are having a difficult time, and I hope you find your way to a relationship that works for you both. As a fellow introvert, I agree with all this advice! My DD1 is an introvert also, and doesn't even reply to texts very often. But I still send her funny memes or things I think will make her smile- that way she knows I'm thinking of her, but she doesn't have to have a full conversation if she doesn't want to. |
|
|
|
Post by finally~a~mama on May 24, 2021 20:03:30 GMT
Does DS know that you didn't cheat on his father? Does he know that you aren't the reason he isn't allowed to participate in activities? Does he know that his father won't let him live with him unless he gets both kids? Does he know EX stopped the therapy?
I think he needs to know these things. Ds is putting all of his anger on you. If EX is feeding him lies and no one is challenging them (Even something simple like "DS does that sound like me?") that becomes DS's truth. At 15 DS is old enough to begin understanding that there are 2 (or more) sides to every story and that the truth is often somewhere in the middle.
I think you may need a new lawyer. There should have been some sort of plan to deal with EX refusing to participate in mediation. Has your lawyer suggested using a guardian ad litem or similar for your children?
|
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on May 24, 2021 21:17:53 GMT
Why? Why can't you be nice? If you feel like OP has some culpability, why do you have to be so rude about it? How do you know she's blissfully moved on? How can you so summarily dismiss the enormous impact that her ex had on this poor kid (telling him lies about his mom, cheating on his wife, removing his kids from sports, etc.). craftymom101 has found someone to support and love her. I promise you that was probably the absolute best thing that she could have done in this situation. Her son has a stable, loving family in his home now. I just do not understand your need to be so ugly when you could say something similar but more helpful. Who do you think listens when you are that ugly? To me, it sounds like Crafty is a pretty incredible mom who is trying to figure out how to help her son in the best way. You, OTOH, are not a help at all. *shrug* think what you want. My response was hardly rude. Blunt, maybe. I’m old enough to realize there are lots of sides to every story and we only often get to hear just one, and it usually the one the paints the teller in the best light while 100% demonizing the other. Also old enough to not give a shit about a random internet person’s opinion of me. Yet, it’s HER experience, she’s related the details and how she’s feeling, you don’t get to tell her that she’s to blame or that her story isn’t 100% the truth—she’s lived it. |
|
tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,382
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
|
Post by tincin on May 25, 2021 1:43:45 GMT
I would tell him directly that he’s welcome to go live with his father but it’s not a package deal and your younger son isn’t included in the decision. If his dad won’t allow it, that’s what I would tell him as well. 15 isn’t too young to hear some hard facts of life and I dare say living with his dad likely won’t be the lovely time he thinks it will be.
|
|
|
|
Post by peasapie on May 25, 2021 9:33:03 GMT
Yet you are the board "reporter" when you don't like what someone else has to say. In actuality, you have a lot of growing up to do. When I start calling people vulgar names, then you can get after me. Oh that’s your arbiter of bad behavior? Kindness doesn’t matter; just vulgarity? Your “shrug” says a lot about you. “Blunt” is an inaccurate synonym for tactlessness. |
|
craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,786
|
Post by craftymom101 on May 26, 2021 1:41:06 GMT
Does DS know that you didn't cheat on his father? Does he know that you aren't the reason he isn't allowed to participate in activities? Does he know that his father won't let him live with him unless he gets both kids? Does he know EX stopped the therapy? I think he needs to know these things. Ds is putting all of his anger on you. If EX is feeding him lies and no one is challenging them (Even something simple like "DS does that sound like me?") that becomes DS's truth. At 15 DS is old enough to begin understanding that there are 2 (or more) sides to every story and that the truth is often somewhere in the middle. I think you may need a new lawyer. There should have been some sort of plan to deal with EX refusing to participate in mediation. Has your lawyer suggested using a guardian ad litem or similar for your children? To answer your first four questions... yes, I’ve told him, repeatedly. He chooses to believe his father’s version of events. For example, the day after we separated, my ex booked a flight home and left for several days (I think it was 7-8 days but it could have been 4-5 days... everything runs together from that time period). He didn’t consult me, ask if I could keep the kids while he flew to his parent’s house, or discussed this decision with me in any way. We were still married and living in the same house and he just got up and flew 3000 miles to a different state. He told the kids that I “kicked him out and *made* him fly to his parent’s house” and “kept him from his kids”. Um, what??? I can’t force anyone on a plane and I certainly had no legal right to keep his kids from him. But my oldest completely believes his father’s version of events. He doesn’t remember that I had a breakdown in the McDonald’s parking lot because I had no one to turn to and was just abandoned by their father, or that his father shattered a picture frame over our bed before he left, and left me to clean up the glass and mess. Thank you again for all the advice. I have a meeting with my attorney next week. |
|
|
|
Post by twinks on May 26, 2021 4:05:56 GMT
Sorry you are going through this. My DD was so young when I got divorced but I remember the advise I was given on how to handle things. I was told that every kid will throw wanting to live with the non custodial parent at the custodial parent. When they are young, just respond with “That is not an option” and move forward. 15 is a lot older for that response, however. I was also told that he would blame me and bad mouth me to our DD, but I was never to bad mouth him. I was told when my DD started asking questions, to have a neutral party give her the information.
I think that is the key here. Your son is caught between the 2 of you and unfortunately your son is believing his father. I would stop trying to “defend” myself to your son. I would just stop playing that game. After all, it takes 2 to play it and your son is caught in the middle. I would make sure to keep things neutral and not give either of your sons the 3rd degree about what their father said to them. Trust me, he is a jerk. Give him all the rope he needs to hang himself. You hold your head up high and become a duck. He delights in knowing he is getting to you. I would stop communicating with your ex with the exception of email. Keep all emotion to yourself. Remember the best revenge is a life well lived. Become like Margaret Thatcher - blood of steel. Above all don’t let your son see you upset. He can’t handle you emotions and it just cements in his mind, right or wrong, what your ex is telling him.
Does your son have another adult in his life besides his parents? A teacher, clergyman, a family friend? It might be a good idea to help foster that kind of relationship. My mother didn’t experience divorce but my Dad died when my younger brother was 13 years old. I will forever be grateful for a couple of family friends who stepped up and cared about and mentored my brother. Your son needs someone who cares about him and would mentor him.
You ex doesn’t want custody. But he doesn’t want your son to know that. He is playing a game and he knows it. He also is against therapy for your son because he is afraid your son will see him for who he really is.
I liked the rules that a previous poster has. Nothing great, simple respect type rules for everyone in the household. Respect is the key here.
Good luck and I apologize for my long winded response.
|
|
PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,803
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
|
Post by PLurker on May 26, 2021 4:39:40 GMT
Yet you are the board "reporter" when you don't like what someone else has to say. In actuality, you have a lot of growing up to do. When I start calling people vulgar names, then you can get after me. What does "vulgar names" have to do with anything. I could use a slew of them and still be saying a kinder and more constructive thing than "all the pretty words" pieced together with cruel or belittling intent. eg Bless you heart. |
|
craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,786
|
Post by craftymom101 on Jun 5, 2021 15:50:50 GMT
Hi everyone.
I wanted to give you a quick update.
I’m talking with my lawyer about a few things, including therapy for my son. I hope to have that worked out soon.
I am also talking with my son about his living arrangements and where he wants to live. If I allow him to move in full-time with his father, I am not prepared to give up my younger son, as well. My younger son doesn’t want to live with his dad full time.
I have a therapy appointment for myself next week.
Overall, things are better with my son, but I can still feel the tension when he’s here. It breaks my heart but I will continue to do what I think is best for our family.
Thank you again for all the support. Several of you sent PMs and I’ll (hopefully) get to those today or tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
Post by elaine on Jun 5, 2021 16:41:00 GMT
Hi everyone. I wanted to give you a quick update. I’m talking with my lawyer about a few things, including therapy for my son. I hope to have that worked out soon. I am also talking with my son about his living arrangements and where he wants to live. If I allow him to move in full-time with his father, I am not prepared to give up my younger son, as well. My younger son doesn’t want to live with his dad full time. I have a therapy appointment for myself next week. Overall, things are better with my son, but I can still feel the tension when he’s here. It breaks my heart but I will continue to do what I think is best for our family. Thank you again for all the support. Several of you sent PMs and I’ll (hopefully) get to those today or tomorrow. You are awesome. (((Hugs))) |
|
|
|
Post by iamkristinl16 on Jun 5, 2021 17:35:10 GMT
My ex met his current wife three months after we split (not three months after our divorce was finalized... three months after we separated). She was not the first woman he dated after we separated. I believe she was the 4th or 5th. My SO is amazing and I am beyond lucky to have found him. He is the person I plan on being with for the rest of my life and we have a fantastic relationship. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, including after my divorce, but my SO isn’t one of them and it’s because of him I am as strong and capable as I am. I know change is hard and kids have a tough time adjusting. My son told me that it’s okay with him that his father has a new gf (now wife) and he wants my ex to be happy, but he doesn’t “think it’s right” that I move on and be with anyone else. Was I supposed to stay single because my kid “doesn’t think it’s right”? Believe me, the mom guilt is real and I agonized over my decision to date and bring my SO into my kids’ lives. Did he have a reason for thinking it’s different for your ex to have a girlfriend as opposed to you? Can you go further in that conversation if you haven’t already? |
|
