craftymom101
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Post by craftymom101 on May 21, 2021 22:54:14 GMT
My oldest son is 15 and just finishing 9th grade.
A little backstory... my ex-husband and I divorced when my oldest was 9 (separated when he was 8). He did not take the divorce well and is still very angry about it. Most of that anger is directed at me.
I am the one who left, but my ex told our kids I had an affair (I didn’t), I kicked him out of the house (he left voluntarily), and I am a lying bitch who destroyed our family.
It’s a very long story, but ultimately my son resents me, doesn’t want to spend time with me or my SO at my house, and he wants to live with his dad full time.
When forced, he will communicate (minimally) with me and my SO (and SO’s kids), but only when forced. Left to his own devices, he spends his time locked in his room or going to friends’ houses to avoid being here. He will spend between 2pm (after school) - bedtime in his room, only coming out for dinner, if I don’t force him to come out and join the rest of the family.
He is an excellent student (3.86 GPA) with no behavior issues at school. He didn’t treat anyone else this way except me.
I am at a complete loss and devastated. I have given my kids a wonderful life... vacations, we moved into a beautiful new house in November, we just brought home a new Great Dane puppy, he has a brand new iPhone 12, etc., and, in his words “I don’t like you and (SO name) and I would rather be at my dad’s”. He mopes and pouts when we make him go places with us, avoids conversations with our friends and my SO’s family, and generally avoids any contact or communication with anyone except his brother when he is with me.
Right now he’s locked in the bathroom. He got here an hour ago, went straight to his room, was snotty with me when I asked him about something on his phone, and hasn’t spoken to me since.
A part of me wants to hand him over to his dad, take his phone/AirPods/iPhone watch back, and let him go until he grows up and realizes what an ungrateful shit he’s being. The other part of me wants to smother him with love and kindness and hope he sees how loved he is.
I am tired of giving giving giving to this kid and getting nothing but disrespect and anger back.
What do you think? Please be gentle... my mama heart is broken.
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Deleted
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May 16, 2024 9:30:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2021 22:58:23 GMT
Therapy. Individual and family (just you and him).
He obviously needs help finding his words and sorting through his feelings. It is also a safe place to vent, be angry, cry, etc.
And it will be a safe place for him to talk to you AND you to talk to him.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on May 21, 2021 22:58:25 GMT
I think you should let him live with his dad. I know you don't want to hear that and it hurts me to say it, but that's what he wants right now and it sounds like that's what he needs. I don't think the material things mean anything to him. It's natural for a young man to want to be with his dad - does his dad want him to live with him?
I know your heart is broken. I know you resent that your ex seemed to have poisoned your son - but keeping him with you isn't working, right?
Is he willing to go to family therapy? I might try that first.
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scrappinghappy
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“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
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Post by scrappinghappy on May 21, 2021 22:58:41 GMT
No advice but hugs. Parenting is hard.
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Deleted
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May 16, 2024 9:30:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2021 22:59:46 GMT
Also he isn't an adult and doesn't have the capacity to understand his dads bull shit lies. He is angry. And his feelings are valid.
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melissa
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by melissa on May 21, 2021 23:00:18 GMT
It might sound like a cop out, but you would benefit from therapy, especially family therapy with this child. I wish I had other answers.  |
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Post by freecharlie on May 21, 2021 23:00:50 GMT
I agree with the family therapy.
Other than that, he's a teenager, you can't force him to be what you would like him to be
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craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,631
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Post by craftymom101 on May 21, 2021 23:01:21 GMT
I can’t take him to therapy.
I tried (twice) and his dad pulled him from therapy both times. The second time his dad sued me because I didn’t have his permission and all medical issues have to be agreed upon by both parents.
His dad won’t take him full time unless I also give him my youngest son full time.
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craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by craftymom101 on May 21, 2021 23:01:54 GMT
It might sound like a cop out, but you would benefit from therapy, especially family therapy with this child. I wish I had other answers. I am in the process of getting a therapist for myself through my medical insurance. |
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Deleted
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May 16, 2024 9:30:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2021 23:02:35 GMT
My oldest son is 15 and just finishing 9th grade. A little backstory... my ex-husband and I divorced when my oldest was 9 (separated when he was 8). He did not take the divorce well and is still very angry about it. Most of that anger is directed at me. I am the one who left, but my ex told our kids I had an affair (I didn’t), I kicked him out of the house (he left voluntarily), and I am a lying bitch who destroyed our family. It’s a very long story, but ultimately my son resents me, doesn’t want to spend time with me or my SO at my house, and he wants to live with his dad full time. When forced, he will communicate (minimally) with me and my SO (and SO’s kids), but only when forced. Left to his own devices, he spends his time locked in his room or going to friends’ houses to avoid being here. He will spend between 2pm (after school) - bedtime in his room, only coming out for dinner, if I don’t force him to come out and join the rest of the family. He is an excellent student (3.86 GPA) with no behavior issues at school. He didn’t treat anyone else this way except me. I am at a complete loss and devastated. I have given my kids a wonderful life... vacations, we moved into a beautiful new house in November, we just brought home a new Great Dane puppy, he has a brand new iPhone 12, etc., and, in his words “I don’t like you and (SO name) and I would rather be at my dad’s”. He mopes and pouts when we make him go places with us, avoids conversations with our friends and my SO’s family, and generally avoids any contact or communication with anyone except his brother when he is with me. Right now he’s locked in the bathroom. He got here an hour ago, went straight to his room, was snotty with me when I asked him about something on his phone, and hasn’t spoken to me since. A part of me wants to hand him over to his dad, take his phone/AirPods/iPhone watch back, and let him go until he grows up and realizes what an ungrateful shit he’s being. The other part of me wants to smother him with love and kindness and hope he sees how loved he is. I am tired of giving giving giving to this kid and getting nothing but disrespect and anger back. What do you think? Please be gentle... my mama heart is broken. I am saying this as gently as I can... He probably wants you. And your time. Alone time. Not blended family time. Or material things. Taking a step to therapy is giving of YOU not stuff. |
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Deleted
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May 16, 2024 9:30:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2021 23:03:05 GMT
I can’t take him to therapy. I tried (twice) and his dad pulled him from therapy both times. The second time his dad sued me because I didn’t have his permission and all medical issues have to be agreed upon by both parents. His dad won’t take him full time unless I also give him my youngest son full time. Wow. What an asshole. |
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Post by elaine on May 21, 2021 23:03:45 GMT
(((Hugs)))
You can’t force him to understand - he just can’t at this age. The more you try to make him live with you and be happy - at this age - the less likely you will succeed.
If he wants to go live with his dad full time, at 15, I would let him.
I also would be *very* careful not to punish him for doing so. Don’t take away stuff at this point if he chooses to move in with dad. If, after a year of living there he wants to stay, then negotiate with your ex. If ex won’t pick up the tab, then your son will be old enough for an after-school job to pay for it himself.
Right now, because he lives with you, living with dad is the “grass is greener.” After he lives with dad full-time for a while, his outlook may change. And, if it doesn’t, maybe that is a better living arrangement for him. That isn’t a slam on you.
He may never like your SO, that is fine and between your son and your SO. I wouldn’t push that at all.
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Deleted
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May 16, 2024 9:30:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2021 23:03:52 GMT
I can’t take him to therapy. I tried (twice) and his dad pulled him from therapy both times. The second time his dad sued me because I didn’t have his permission and all medical issues have to be agreed upon by both parents. His dad won’t take him full time unless I also give him my youngest son full time. Wow. What an asshole. ETA: I would pursue legal action and get it granted from the court. He is obviously afraid the truth will come out and he is using your son as leverage. Again. Asshole. |
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Post by myshelly on May 21, 2021 23:05:30 GMT
His feelings are valid.
He is upset about having a broken family. He’s entitled to that. It’s hard. It’s devastating.
Let him live with his dad. Don’t take away any of his things. Go to therapy together to try to heal your relationship.
This isn’t about you. It’s not about him being mean to you. It’s not about him being snotty or ungrateful.
He is a kid and he is hurting. His life was forever changed and altered by things he couldn’t control and didn’t get a say in. That wasn’t fair to him. He has big feelings about it that he needs to worth through and it’s your job to help him.
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craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,631
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Post by craftymom101 on May 21, 2021 23:06:44 GMT
I try to give him as much alone/one-on-one time as he will allow me to. He is adamantly against it and will ignore me or answer with one word answers if I take him to dinner/grocery shopping/the mall/wherever. He will not initiate conversation.
Obviously the material things are not of importance, but they are things he’s asked me for (birthdays, Christmas, etc.), and I’ve purchased for him because I want to.
I give my youngest son the same amount of one-on-one time (and material things) with vastly different results.
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craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,631
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Post by craftymom101 on May 21, 2021 23:07:44 GMT
His feelings are valid. He is upset about having a broken family. He’s entitled to that. It’s hard. It’s devastating. Let him live with his dad. Don’t take away any of his things. Go to therapy together to try to heal your relationship. This isn’t about you. It’s not about him being mean to you. It’s not about him being snotty or ungrateful. He is a kid and he is hurting. His life was forever changed and altered by things he couldn’t control and didn’t get a say in. That wasn’t fair to him. He has big feelings about it that he needs to worth through and it’s your job to help him. I can’t take him to therapy. If I allow him to live with his dad full time, I also lose my youngest son full time. |
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Post by elaine on May 21, 2021 23:08:36 GMT
I can’t take him to therapy. I tried (twice) and his dad pulled him from therapy both times. The second time his dad sued me because I didn’t have his permission and all medical issues have to be agreed upon by both parents. His dad won’t take him full time unless I also give him my youngest son full time. Then make sure you sit down with you, your ex, and your 15 y.o. and have your ex explain all of that in front of him. Encourage 15 y.o. to address all his questions about that directly to your Dh. If you need to, get your lawyer and a court mediator involved. |
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Post by myshelly on May 21, 2021 23:08:50 GMT
His feelings are valid. He is upset about having a broken family. He’s entitled to that. It’s hard. It’s devastating. Let him live with his dad. Don’t take away any of his things. Go to therapy together to try to heal your relationship. This isn’t about you. It’s not about him being mean to you. It’s not about him being snotty or ungrateful. He is a kid and he is hurting. His life was forever changed and altered by things he couldn’t control and didn’t get a say in. That wasn’t fair to him. He has big feelings about it that he needs to worth through and it’s your job to help him. I can’t take him to therapy. If I allow him to live with his dad full time, I also lose my youngest son full time. It’s time to go to court to fight about the therapy issue. |
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Post by scrapbookwriter on May 21, 2021 23:10:20 GMT
Part of this is that he’s 15.
I have no experience with divorce at all, but have raised five teenagers. Every one of them went through a period of time where they thought I was the worst mother on the planet and that they would rather live anywhere but at home. They were rude and hateful and truly awful to live with. (Fortunately they didn’t all go through this stage at the same time.)
One summer I sent one of my kids to spend three weeks with relatives in another state. These are kind and wonderful relatives, very dear to me - not boot camp or anything, just a loving environment different from home. After about ten days my child started calling to tell me what they’d done that day. This soon turned into “I miss you” and even “I miss your cooking.” By the time the plane landed my child was thrilled to be home with us. We sometimes saw teenage disrespect but never anything like it had been before the time away.
Summer is coming. Perhaps your son could live with his dad for some or all of the summer and see for himself whether home is as bad as he thinks.
Big hugs to you. Teenagers can be really, really hard.
Edited to add: You gave more information in response to other posts. Yes, please sit down with Ex and both sons and a mediator. See what you can work out for the summer. I still think it would be a good idea for your son to see for himself how good life actually is with you.
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Post by katlady on May 21, 2021 23:10:22 GMT
I think at his age, don't force the conversations or family time/dinners togethers. If he wants to live with his dad, tell him to talk to his dad about it. But just let him know you are there for him, and hug him.
Your ex sounds like an a$$hole. I am sorry you are going through this. Your son sounds like he does need therapy to work out his anger. I hope things get better for all of you! HUGS!
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craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,631
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Post by craftymom101 on May 21, 2021 23:11:02 GMT
I was told by the judge that my ex and I need to realize our lives our different now that we are divorced and he sent us to mediation. My ex-husband refused to cooperate but because he attended, no further action was required.
Essentially, I lost. My ex pulled our kids from all of their sports and activities, which is against our parenting plan, and there were no consequences from the judge.
I really am stuck.
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Post by elaine on May 21, 2021 23:15:14 GMT
I try to give him as much alone/one-on-one time as he will allow me to. He is adamantly against it and will ignore me or answer with one word answers if I take him to dinner/grocery shopping/the mall/wherever. He will not initiate conversation. Obviously the material things are not of importance, but they are things he’s asked me for (birthdays, Christmas, etc.), and I’ve purchased for him because I want to. I give my youngest son the same amount of one-on-one time (and material things) with vastly different results. Your older son is 15. That is a good portion of why he is behaving as he is and why he is different from your youngest son. I know that it hurts, but you simply can’t force him to be happy with you right now. Especially, since from his point of view, your are trying to force him into accepting a father-substitute in your SO. If the divorce were happening now, rather than when he was 9, he would have a say as to where he lived. And if he preferred living with his father, the court would consider that. |
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Post by katlady on May 21, 2021 23:22:21 GMT
My ex pulled our kids from all of their sports and activities This just blows my mind! How was this explained to the kids, or were you blamed for it? Does he go to their school events? |
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craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,631
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Post by craftymom101 on May 21, 2021 23:26:17 GMT
“Sports are stupid” and “introverts like us don’t need sports and activities” and “schools only care about grades” is how it was explained to them.
My oldest *is* a massive introvert but my youngest is an extreme extrovert and it’s been difficult to see him try to be an introvert to please his father.
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Post by nine on May 21, 2021 23:29:26 GMT
I say let him live with dad. He’s old enough to know what he wants. He sounds like he’s mad enough that he’s making everyone else miserable. I think it’s only going to get worse. This advice is based on my experience with a kid who decided he hated me. It got worse and worse. I hope you have a better experience.
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Post by christine58 on May 21, 2021 23:29:44 GMT
I was told by the judge that my ex and I need to realize our lives our different now that we are divorced and he sent us to mediation. My ex-husband refused to cooperate but because he attended, no further action was required. Essentially, I lost. My ex pulled our kids from all of their sports and activities, which is against our parenting plan, and there were no consequences from the judge. I really am stuck. Go back to court.... |
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Post by NanaKate on May 21, 2021 23:30:04 GMT
I’m so sorry and hope you find the right answer for all of you very soon. Hugs.
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Post by quietgirl on May 21, 2021 23:31:16 GMT
I'm sorry, craftymom101 . I don't have any advice, lots of wise words here. But you sound like a loving mother and a nice person and I wish you the best. |
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Post by MissBianca on May 21, 2021 23:53:31 GMT
Keep fighting, even if you think he’s not listening because realistically you have 3 more years until he can do what he wants. My friend let her kids dad poison their minds and the 3 oldest boys don’t speak to her. She thought they would come around but didn’t fight to keep herself présent which eventually bit her in the butt.
Now if he were my kid, I’d call them out on their shit too. But thats me and my kids. No way I would put up with the ignoring and the overall rude behavior. Not everyone can talk to their kids that way.
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sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456
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Post by sassyangel on May 21, 2021 23:56:16 GMT
Advising you to let him go to live with him would maybe be a somewhat easier call to make, if both children weren’t clearly being leveraged against you. What an asshole, I’m so sorry. It’s like he wants to take both of them from you. Does your younger son know, does he want to live with his dad too? It seems even more messed up to make it conditional on something like that, surely a court would see through that and need to approve it? |
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