Christmas and children's significant others

I don't think you're overthinking it. It is good to think ahead. We've done a couple of things. When the relationship is newer and the SO isn't going to be opening gifts with us on Christmas Eve, we get probably 3-5 smaller gifts since we know the young ladies pretty well. Now that the ladies are with us on that evening, they get an equal amount ($). One SO has been around 11 years and the other this will be their 3rd Christmas together. One SO really hasn't had Christmases like we do, so she truly appreciates it all.

Living together I would treat as married. For my kids when they got married I took the amount I had previously budgeted for them and either bought a house type of gift for both of them or split the amount and bought them each a gift of similar price/value.  With my three adultkids making relationships I didn't have the funds to gift 6 adults. And I didn't want a future sil or dil ever feeling unwanted or unwelcomed into the family.

That live in girlfriend may someday be the mother of your grandkids, married or not. You don't want her remembering being slighted due to her unmarried status. 

Wow. I’d would have been hurt at the presentation too, and am sorry you went through that.

I asked my daughters how they wanted me to handle it. That way I did not imply that the relationship was something more than what it was and cause embarrassment. Then once I knew whether to get a serious gift or just a token gift, I would figure out what to get and not worry about spending equally. Sometimes it is just too hard to figure out what to get without having to make sure each cost the same. As the girls got older it became hard and harder to gift as they were working and able to get what they wanted when they wanted.

We’ve had years where the now daughters-in-law were live-in girlfriends. They were there for our family Christmas celebration so they were treated equally. I gift to my three DILs with the same budget as to my four sons. Live-ins counted as well.

(as the girlfriend) My boyfriends parents ask me for a want and get that. I'll add that I don't like people spending money on me though so that's definitely a difference -- I'd much rather they spend the money on themselves.

Last year I asked for a bunch of stuff from The Ordinary, all in all was probably ~$40. I expected his mom to pick a few things but she ended up grabbing everything. I was super happy and thankful. Previous years we've both asked for Disney gift cards to help pay for trips.. those have been $200-300 at different times.

I don't think ensuring things are even is necessary when you're getting something from a persons 'want' list ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Living together and there for gift opening, I'd treat them as married and give comparable gifts. Living together and not there for gift opening, something nice.

I’ll be following myself

DD just moved in together with her BF and while he has spent Christmas with us for 2 years now I have not given him equal to my daughter. I have given him a mix of nice gifts & gift cards DD said he would use. And made him the same stocking as my DS. I am quite generous to my children at holiday time. One year it was a specific situation where each of our children got a gift costing $1000 from Ex & I combined. After that special circumstance I think last year was about $300 from me I have no idea what ex gave. I’m not sure I’m all in for $300-$500 for the boyfriend yet.

I’m going to have to think about that. I mean. I’m not cheap, and I don’t even think I begrudge spending the money. I’m just not so sure I could come up with a gift if that much to give him. As it is my kids get checks for the bulk of it and I don’t know about giving him a check randomly. He will NOT expect it. I don’t know. Hmmmm

I’m going to have to bring that up with DD before the holidays I guess.

OP Thank you for bringing that up I appreciate the discussion

My mom and stepdad spend the same on all of us “kids” including our spouses. I’m not positive but I think they spent the same when we were engaged as well. Not sure about just dating. My MIL never gives me anything or even sends me a card. It doesn’t bother me most of the time, but sometimes it Is irritating because I put more into having a relationship with her than dh does. But I guess to each her own.

I’m sort of in this limbo area. DS and his GF have been together for 8 years. They go to colleges in different states, but when they’re home they obviously spend all their time together. The future plan (next year) is for both to go to grad school in the same town so they can live together. I would gladly spend a generous amount on her—I love buying girly stuff and never get to do it.

But her family cannot afford to spend much on DS and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. I’ve been getting her a $100 GC to her favorite stores over the years.

This year I really want to give her a cashmere shawl, because I love how soft and warm and lightweight mine are, and I use them all the time. 

Would love for others to weigh in on this. 

my kids aren't dating yet but I'll share how my mum and MIL handled gifts and mention that no one has been offended by it.

My mum bought a gift for my DH (and before that BF) and for my sister's BF or husband for Christmas (and for birthday and fathers day as well). It was never comparable price wise or quantity wise to what she bought me or my sister or my kids for that matter but it was always thoughtful - a tie or book many times.

My MIL occasionally gave me something small, especially in the early years, but when she retired, she switched to only gifting under 18's (she had 7 kids, 12 grandkids, and I think she was at 13 or 14 greats when she passed) for budget reasons.

Every family is different and I think as long as you're accepting and kind to the GF, it would seem unlikely that she would be hurt by receiving fewer or less value gifts than your son. Honestly, I would be concerned if they were counting up gifts and/or value. Even my kids don't always get the same number/value - we get what we think they would like

I'm the girlfriend's family in this scenario and I really don't even think about what his family spends on them. I am certainly not uncomfortable with what they spend on them; we all know the money situation and I really don't think anyone cares that I can't spend the same on presents.

When my kids were younger (high school and college) I bought something for their gfs but not anything super expensive. When older DS started dating his current wife, they were only together a short time at Christmas so I bought her a nice gift but nothing extravagant. By the next Christmas they were living together so we spent more. Probably not as much as on DS but still significant. Once we knew they were planning their future, she was one of ours and we started buying pretty equally for all. We will probably handle it similarly if younger DS finds a serious partner.