Saw therapist this morning S/O Monster thread
Jan 5, 2022 14:08:47 GMT
Spongemom Scrappants, peabay, and 49 more like this
Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2022 14:08:47 GMT
First...please know just how much I truly truly appreciate you Peas for all of your support these last couple of days. You always give such good advice and your compassion really knows no bounds. My heart goes out to those Peas that have walked this same path. It's just something I would NEVER wish on anyone.
I saw the therapist this morning. WOW! She was in the middle of moving into a new bungalow so she had boxes everywhere. She was remodeling the place as well. When I rang the bell, I looked around and really liked how the garden was set up and the colors of the place. Something told me that inside of the house, she was going to have a great view of the beach. When I walked in, all I could see were these beautiful Moorish windows letting in gorgeous morning light and of course beyond that, the waves crashing on the rocks. It immediately gave me a dose of something good.
She is from Germany, so not from Morocco. She also teaches yoga and meditation. She gave me a choice of how I wanted our session to go. She said she could take the clinical route which had certain steps to follow, or we could do a more intuitive session to see where it led us. I chose the later.
She asked what brought me to see her. I explained how I discovered my attacker had recently been released from prison. We did not go into detail about the attack. She asked me a very interesting question that led us in a direction I did not expect. She asked me why did I look up his name? I told her because I had been watching a crime documentary that brought the attacker to my mind. At the moment, I told her that I was not sure. I explained to her also that I had a lot of residual feelings of how my family did not stand with me. I was also having memories surface of when I was molested by a very close family member. All of which was leaving me feeling abandoned.
I explained to her that I felt like a box from the back of the closet fell out and all of this crap was all over the floor. She really liked that analogy and expanded on it. She felt like it was possible that my inner self "wanted" to open this box. She explained that no matter how long I try to keep it locked...it's there...waiting. As we talked, two things suddenly popped in my head. The first being that a week or so before New Years, I said to my "self" let's work on being more healthy. At the time, I meant just eating better and losing weight. But perhaps my inner self knew it was time to open the box. The therapist told me that perhaps my "inner self" knew I was at a good point in my life to be strong enough to deal with what was in there. The second thing was that last week, I was helping my daughter dry her hair. It is very, very long (down to her butt long). She had just gotten out of the shower and I could see that she was starting the very beginning of breasts (hard for me to even type that). I suddenly had a memory of the first time I was molested and I just prayed that God protect my baby from that ever happening.
As I talked with her, I realized that while I am reliving the trauma of the attack, there is a huge huge issue of abandonment entangled with a lot of trauma from my childhood. Even attempting to talk about the abuse from my mother is what really tripped me up. The therapist stopped there as she felt it was a bridge too far at the moment. She asked me what scares me so much about "opening the box". I told her that I don't want to see that little girl that is in the box.
I am literally gobsmacked that what I thought was upsetting me so much was really just the tip of the iceburg.
I am not a day to day "sharer" on the board about stuff, but I just felt led to give more detail about what was going on. I guess it's a PSA to not ignore your "self".
I saw the therapist this morning. WOW! She was in the middle of moving into a new bungalow so she had boxes everywhere. She was remodeling the place as well. When I rang the bell, I looked around and really liked how the garden was set up and the colors of the place. Something told me that inside of the house, she was going to have a great view of the beach. When I walked in, all I could see were these beautiful Moorish windows letting in gorgeous morning light and of course beyond that, the waves crashing on the rocks. It immediately gave me a dose of something good.
She is from Germany, so not from Morocco. She also teaches yoga and meditation. She gave me a choice of how I wanted our session to go. She said she could take the clinical route which had certain steps to follow, or we could do a more intuitive session to see where it led us. I chose the later.
She asked what brought me to see her. I explained how I discovered my attacker had recently been released from prison. We did not go into detail about the attack. She asked me a very interesting question that led us in a direction I did not expect. She asked me why did I look up his name? I told her because I had been watching a crime documentary that brought the attacker to my mind. At the moment, I told her that I was not sure. I explained to her also that I had a lot of residual feelings of how my family did not stand with me. I was also having memories surface of when I was molested by a very close family member. All of which was leaving me feeling abandoned.
I explained to her that I felt like a box from the back of the closet fell out and all of this crap was all over the floor. She really liked that analogy and expanded on it. She felt like it was possible that my inner self "wanted" to open this box. She explained that no matter how long I try to keep it locked...it's there...waiting. As we talked, two things suddenly popped in my head. The first being that a week or so before New Years, I said to my "self" let's work on being more healthy. At the time, I meant just eating better and losing weight. But perhaps my inner self knew it was time to open the box. The therapist told me that perhaps my "inner self" knew I was at a good point in my life to be strong enough to deal with what was in there. The second thing was that last week, I was helping my daughter dry her hair. It is very, very long (down to her butt long). She had just gotten out of the shower and I could see that she was starting the very beginning of breasts (hard for me to even type that). I suddenly had a memory of the first time I was molested and I just prayed that God protect my baby from that ever happening.
As I talked with her, I realized that while I am reliving the trauma of the attack, there is a huge huge issue of abandonment entangled with a lot of trauma from my childhood. Even attempting to talk about the abuse from my mother is what really tripped me up. The therapist stopped there as she felt it was a bridge too far at the moment. She asked me what scares me so much about "opening the box". I told her that I don't want to see that little girl that is in the box.
I am literally gobsmacked that what I thought was upsetting me so much was really just the tip of the iceburg.
I am not a day to day "sharer" on the board about stuff, but I just felt led to give more detail about what was going on. I guess it's a PSA to not ignore your "self".
