wellway
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Posts: 8,785
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jan 18, 2022 21:24:14 GMT
That time w/your dh sounds precious, but it won't be fun if he's brooding about not spending that time w/his whole family. Do let him know how you feel when you are calmer. Meanwhile, think about what you will do while he's w/his family. I'm sorry that your plans are spoiled. You have every right to be made and upset. Though I do vote for turning it into a full blown vacation of your own. I know that camping w/his family is stressful, so save the stress and do what you want to do all week. Where would you go if you could get some friends and go somewhere? Plan your own fun. Do you want to go back to Disney? Do you want to do a cruise, if safe by then? Vegas? Camping w/friends? Shopping in NYC? The world is your oyster. I would prefer to do this. I'm afraid that if I do, I'm definitely not getting the team player award. There, I laughed. I know him. He's fully expecting me to go along with his change in plans. Because I do, damn near all the time. I'm usually a pretty laid back person, both on vacation and off. I don't put up a fuss about much and I very rarely have any expectations. So I'd be willing to bet, he's out there thinking right now that if he just gives me time to cool down, I'll go on that family camping trip with him. How much you wanna bet? I am feeling a bit calmer now, thank you. I'm going to make a cup of coffee and put on some music. That always takes me right down. Maybe, if on this occasion if you don't go along with his change of plan, it will him give him pause for thought going forward and next year he might stop and think before upending your joint plans.
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dawnnikol
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'A life without books is a life not lived.' Jay Kristoff
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Sept 21, 2015 18:39:25 GMT
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Post by dawnnikol on Jan 18, 2022 21:24:51 GMT
I can be quick to anger, but especially so when DH & I have already agreed to something. This wasn't a miscommunication, this is a plan you had set and included friends. It's not as if his family trip was a surprise... I am so proud of you for walking away. It's hard not to fly off at the handle.
My vote is you stay home and do your own thing. Then his Mom can take the camper and they can deal with all that food prep. Absolutely no reason for you to stress yourself. I seem to recall you cooked so much and then people complained, too? I could be wrong, so please correct me.
When you discuss it with him, do you think he'll take Gulf Shores off the table or is he prepared to tell his friend he changed his mind about that trip?
P.S. We love GS and have family down there, can highly recommend a couple spots if you need them!
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Post by ~summer~ on Jan 18, 2022 21:30:08 GMT
The fact that he only gets 2 weeks of vacation a year (which is horrible btw) I think if he actually wants to go spend it with his family he should be able to without feeling bad about it. You get twice as much vacation as he. October is a long way away, I don’t think the other couple could be upset with this change of plans.
I think you should definitely not go - either stay home and relax or look for a women’s guided adventure- I’m doing one through REI exploring the San Juans just for a long weekend.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 18, 2022 21:32:52 GMT
I seem to recall you cooked so much and then people complained, too? I could be wrong, so please correct me. No, they raved about my food so much, they all complained when I didn't go on the trip last summer because of it. I didn't camp at all until we got the camper. Lord knows I'm not sleeping in a tent. He always went and slept in a tent. But I had a tradition of making them cowboy cookies for each trip. Before the last trip, my DD had spent some time in the hospital for a suicide attempt and even though I wasn't going on the trip, I was not feeling up to sending snacks. His aunt tried to make my cookies (because, tradition!) and I guess they were a big flop. And I had gone on the family camping trip the year before and they had all raved about my food so they were very disappointed I wasn't going last year. But it was a lot of work for me. All of it. Camping is a lot of work. It's not so bad when it is just the two of us as we can have days where we just make sandwiches or calzones in the sandwich irons. But cooking for 15 people is no joke.
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garcia5050
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,734
Location: So. Calif.
Jun 25, 2014 23:22:29 GMT
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Post by garcia5050 on Jan 18, 2022 21:50:05 GMT
This totally sounds like something my DH would do. I’m usually the one who is ‘easy going’ and flexible, even when I’m not super happy inside about the vacation choice. There have been a couple of times when we both wanted something different. We’ve literally played Rock Paper Scissors to pick the trip.
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Post by MissBianca on Jan 18, 2022 21:57:47 GMT
I think you need to remind your husband that he already made a commitment to his 2 friends. Around here we honor our original commitment even if it means missing out on something else.
And personally there is no way I hell I would cook camp out style for 15 people. I even hated cooking for 6 in our RV, it was a huge pita. But I also hate camping with a burning passion.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jan 18, 2022 21:58:23 GMT
Well it seems his mom has been a PITA since we bought our camper. She was upset last year that we took the camping trip in September by ourselves. In fact, she was so upset about it, that she booked herself a camping trip at the exact same time we went. But she had to sleep in a tent because we took the camper. On these family camping trips she sleeps in our camper.Oh dear god, no. Me, I'd let him go and book a crafting retreat somewhere lovely. Both of you will come back relaxed and refreshed. Yeah, that’s not exactly an incentive. It’s very nice of you, though.
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Post by ~summer~ on Jan 18, 2022 22:02:35 GMT
Have you ever thought about (or done) a backpacking trip? Maybe you should try like a 3 night guided backpacking trip it seems like the type of challenge you might like. (Maybe? Lol)
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pilcas
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Posts: 2,936
Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Jan 18, 2022 22:07:59 GMT
Cooking for 15 people does not go with the word vacation. I can understand him wanting to spend time with his family but not the way he changed plans on you. Plan something fun for yourself. But let him know it was not a cool thing to do.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 18, 2022 22:14:51 GMT
Have you ever thought about (or done) a backpacking trip? Maybe you should try like a 3 night guided backpacking trip it seems like the type of challenge you might like. (Maybe? Lol) I'll take a look. I admit, too, that I've always wanted to do a long weekend in New Orleans and DH hasn't been too thrilled with that idea. So maybe I could talk a friend into doing a 3-4 day thing to there and then I wouldn't have to wait on him to warm up to the idea.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,738
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Jan 18, 2022 22:19:56 GMT
Nope. Cooking for 15 is not a vacation. After things calm down and you are sure he realizes that cancelling out on you and your friends was not a good choice on his part, give him your blessing to go with his family (since it is what he really wants to do) but stay home and plan some stuff for yourself.
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paigepea
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Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Jan 18, 2022 22:28:06 GMT
Sorry but all I can think is that neither camping trip sounds like a vacation because I hate camping.
As far as your dh goes, he sounds ok to me. He wants to go so he said he needs to talk to you about it. I’d let him go and if you think you can’t handle it then do something else. I do think that our parents won’t be here forever and it’s nice he wants to spend time with his. And it’s far in the future so you’re lucky that you can plan for then already.
I think you’ll take a big breath and a step back and realize it will all be ok no matter which trip you take. And that dh wasn’t trying to upset you he was trying to include you.
We can’t plan so far in advance right now because of covid and international travel restrictions so I think it’s great you guys are looking ahead for the year. My dh has no upcoming vacation time booked although perhaps it’s easier for him to adjust his schedule (sometimes). We went away for winter break and booked 3 weeks in advance. And my parents cancelled on us a few days before because they got covid scared. Good luck. I hope it works out. Personally I think it’s not worth being super angry at dh about but worth a great sit down conversation where you are upset but not angry. Just explain your side.
And no I wouldn’t be camping and also no I wouldn’t be cooking for 15 people.
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keithurbanlovinpea
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Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,277
Jun 29, 2014 3:29:30 GMT
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Jan 18, 2022 22:33:26 GMT
I would be mad about the lack of consultation but in all honesty, it sounds as if he would rather go on this family trip than on the original trip. I can't speak for your DH, but my DH loves every opportunity he gets to spend with his family (especially his almost 80 year old parents) and a trip together would be a dream way for him to spend one of his two weeks of vacation. DH is a very sentimental person when it comes to family. I like my DH's family but the "togetherness" is a bit much for me, but I will say that I almost 100% defer to plans with his family because I know how much it means to him. My own parents are gone and I know what that emptiness feels like, so I encourage DH to plan with his parents. This is a [short] season where his parents are healthy and able to get together.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jan 18, 2022 22:35:39 GMT
Have you ever thought about (or done) a backpacking trip? Maybe you should try like a 3 night guided backpacking trip it seems like the type of challenge you might like. (Maybe? Lol) I'll take a look. I admit, too, that I've always wanted to do a long weekend in New Orleans and DH hasn't been too thrilled with that idea. So maybe I could talk a friend into doing a 3-4 day thing to there and then I wouldn't have to wait on him to warm up to the idea. Now that is a very good idea. It’s a wonderful place to visit; esp. if you like good food.
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J u l e e
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Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Jan 18, 2022 22:44:47 GMT
I love camping and a ten mile hike on vacation is right up my alley but I still wouldn’t go on his family trip. Sleeping with my MIL in the camper for a solid week and cooking for 15 people is a no.
I might do something else for the week and join them for the weekend just to see everyone and be with my husband and family so they don’t think I’m snubbing them or anything.
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Post by elaine on Jan 18, 2022 22:46:39 GMT
Have you ever thought about (or done) a backpacking trip? Maybe you should try like a 3 night guided backpacking trip it seems like the type of challenge you might like. (Maybe? Lol) I'll take a look. I admit, too, that I've always wanted to do a long weekend in New Orleans and DH hasn't been too thrilled with that idea. So maybe I could talk a friend into doing a 3-4 day thing to there and then I wouldn't have to wait on him to warm up to the idea. I vote for New Orleans!!! I’ve always wanted to spend a few days there and haven’t made it yet. If you don’t like tent sleeping, you really won’t like backpacking. You need a tent small enough to carry on your back, along with your sleeping bag, etc. Don’t go on the family trip - it doesn’t bring you joy. Another thought is that you could take the camper and still go camping with your friends in Tennessee and keep that commitment. Jeremy and his mom can share a tent. Still keep your plans with your mom in April.
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peabay
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Posts: 9,630
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 18, 2022 22:50:02 GMT
Do you cook all meals for 15 people? That's insane! How is that, in any stretch of the imagination, a vacation?
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Post by mom on Jan 18, 2022 22:55:10 GMT
I am in the camp of let him go and you go to New Orleans. While I think couple time is extremely important, I also think its perfectly healthy to take trips without each other. He goes with his family and is happy, you go to NO and you're happy. Win-Win.
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Post by silverlining on Jan 18, 2022 22:56:36 GMT
I like camping, but cooking for 15 people and MIL sleeping in the camper with you and dh?? Absolutely a no go!!
I don't think it's fair for him to just change his mind especially after he already invited other friends. And it's not fair to you, since the trip with his family is not really a vacation for you. He can back out of the trip with friends and join his family, but I don't think he can just expect you to do that.
This is an issue that will come up every year, so I would have a "little talk" with him in a calm moment about how precious his two weeks are and what will work for you and what won't. And for me, I would stress that we make these decisions together and changes should also be made together.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 18, 2022 22:57:10 GMT
Do you cook all meals for 15 people? That's insane! How is that, in any stretch of the imagination, a vacation? Last time I cooked 3 dinners out of 7 and we did 2 breakfasts. In addition to snacks. Lunch is just snacks no cooking..
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PLurker
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Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Jan 18, 2022 22:58:51 GMT
I wouldn't go. I'm tired just thinking about all the cooking let alone lack of creature comforts. (not a camping fan)
But that's me. If the good outwieghs the bad in you mind, go for it. If you get joy, go. But only if you Want to, not just feeling obligated. To cook...back to that. 🤣
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Post by mom on Jan 18, 2022 23:05:36 GMT
Do you cook all meals for 15 people? That's insane! How is that, in any stretch of the imagination, a vacation? Last time I cooked 3 dinners out of 7 and we did 2 breakfasts. In addition to snacks. Lunch is just snacks no cooking.. But why did you do this? And who does it when you aren't there? IF I went, I would only go if there was equal sharing of the cooking, cleaning, etc. I am not anyones maid or chef.
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Post by Ryann on Jan 18, 2022 23:08:29 GMT
I would be mad about him making the decision without you, especially as you already made plans together with friends/family. I agree with others that say he needs to be the one to cancel whichever trip he's backing out on. Sorry, but that's really inconsiderate of him, not only to you, but to the others he's already committed to vacationing with this year.
And I definitely would NOT be attending the family camping trip. If you don't enjoy this particular vacation, then it's not a vacation! I think being assertive and NOT doing what he thinks you will do (go along with him) could make him think twice in the future for pulling a fast one like this. Not cool!
Go do something fun instead or use the downtime at home to relax and be lazy without having to cook/clean/work for others.
Whatever you decide, I validate you - I would be pissed, too.
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Post by ~summer~ on Jan 18, 2022 23:08:36 GMT
I agree seems like you are being punished bc you are a good cook!
There are 15 people and only 7 dinners - so that means each person is actually only responsible for half a dinner!
I say you start planning your NOLA trip now. That’s been in my list for a long time - think of all the amazing food!
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jan 18, 2022 23:09:19 GMT
Holy hell. Who only gets 2 wks a yr vacation??! This is why people quit their jobs. That's crazy.
He has a right to change his mind, and he DID say he would talk to you 1st, and didn't totally commit. Can you split the wk up?
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Post by mollycoddle on Jan 18, 2022 23:13:33 GMT
Last time I cooked 3 dinners out of 7 and we did 2 breakfasts. In addition to snacks. Lunch is just snacks no cooking.. But why did you do this? And who does it when you aren't there? IF I went, I would only go if there was equal sharing of the cooking, cleaning, etc. I am not anyones maid or chef. Endorsed. I am fine with doing my share, but if there are 15 people and you are cooking 3/7 meals…Plus no privacy and an extensive itinerary? New Orleans is sounding better and better.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 18, 2022 23:20:59 GMT
Last time I cooked 3 dinners out of 7 and we did 2 breakfasts. In addition to snacks. Lunch is just snacks no cooking.. But why did you do this? And who does it when you aren't there? IF I went, I would only go if there was equal sharing of the cooking, cleaning, etc. I am not anyones maid or chef. I did it because they can't cook! Lol! Every time we are with them, the food is terrible. And when his sister cooks there is never enough. I basically did the cooking I did because I wanted to after a 10 mile hike be able to eat a hearty, well cooked meal! The dinner thread peas can back me up on this. Haha...
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Post by librarylady on Jan 18, 2022 23:24:54 GMT
If you ever go on the family trip again, before you go, just be blunt and let the rest of the family know: Email--written note--whatever the family will read.
Hey, everyone, cooking for 15 is not fun, nor a vacation. We have 7 evening meals together. I will cook on Monday and we need the rest of you to pick a night. If breakfast together is a thing, then include the breakfast schedule as well.
If the rest of the family is not willing to take a night, then each family unit eats alone on those nights.
Schedule it ahead of time.
Make Jeremy be the one to cancel with the friends. Go to the beach with your mother on the week he goes to the family camping trip.
Yes, I'd be angry that he just cancelled the plans with no input from you.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 18, 2022 23:25:04 GMT
I would be pissed that he changed plans on you like that when you thought it was a done deal. I know you said he told her he would “talk to you” but I can completely understand why you would know that his mind is already made up and that he wants to go on this trip with his family. You know his ways and how his mind works.
There is absolutely no way at all that I would sign up for the fresh hell that would be that family camping trip. It sounds exhausting and not the least bit fun to me. DH’s mom liked to plan vacations like that where every minute was orchestrated ahead of time and we both HATED it. However, I wouldn’t prevent him from going with his family if that’s what he wants to do. I would make HIM be the one to let your friends know the trip with them is off though. Is there a way you could do something on your own with those friends so you wouldn’t be totally bailing on them?
ETA: I have vacationed with DH and his mom in the past and had to share a hotel room with her because she didn’t want to get two rooms. NOT FUN. AT ALL! Not only was there no privacy, but she booked a smoking room that reeked and she got sloppy, stupid drunk and had to sleep with all the overhead lights on all night so she wouldn’t trip and fall on the way to the bathroom at night. Yeah, that right there is a deal breaker and would be a huge OH HELL TO THE NO!!!! from me.
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 22:16:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2022 23:27:22 GMT
I need someone to talk me down because I'm so freaking hot about this, my face is red and I'm about to lose my shit. It doesn't happen very often with me so it's hard when I'm so mad, I could eat the living. Anyway, Jeremy gets only two weeks of vacation per year. He is still waiting his turn to pick his exact vacation weeks as it works by seniority. He should be able to pick next week. However, he has never had trouble getting his vacation around an approximate time. He may have to move his choice back a week or forward a week but there's not so many people he works with that full months are gone by his turn or anything. Last year, he went on a family camping trip in June without me. And then we went on a camping trip by ourselves in September. Those were his two weeks. This year, we discussed just a month ago what we had planned for this year. We had decided that we would go to Gulf Shores in April. My mom is staying in a condo for a couple of months down there all by herself. So I figured he could choose a week and then we will both go whenever he can. Then we have been planning a camping trip for October in Tennessee. We have some friends that live there and we have never been there to vacation. We even invited another couple (friends) to go with us, but made clear we couldn't get specific until we knew what week in October he was going to be able to get for vacation. But we were solid on our vacation plans. This weekend (I was on vacation so I didn't get the email until I checked this morning) his family sent group emails about a camping trip they are planning in Virginia in October. In the group message thread, his mother replied that Jeremy should have no problem getting that week off and that they could count on us for the camping trip! I replied this morning to the group message thread that we already had plans for a private camping trip in October. So Jeremy just got home from work and he said he talked to his mom and told her he needed to discuss it with me. I said, why didn't you just tell her we already had plans and that you wouldn't be going? And he said, well, I wanted to discuss it with you because I think I want to go! I just walked away from him to avoid yelling. I am THAT MAD. Now he's avoiding me and I'm pissed because I just feel like the rug got pulled right out from under me, single-handedly by him without even discussing it with me. And I know him. When he makes his mind up, he's done. So this is the way it is. I'm not changing it. And now my choice is to either go camping with his entire extended family or to stay home by myself. I'm very upset by this. He's not an asshole. He has two weeks of vacation, I have 4. I just returned from a girls trip to Disney with my BFF that he didn't bat an eyelash at. I can't, just can't tell him he can't go. But I'm so, so disappointed that he just pulled the rug out from under my feet without even discussing it with me, let alone our friends who he already invited to camp with us. And I'm even more angry that if I want another vacation I have to go with his family. I have nothing against his family, but I have done so many vacations with them and it's hard to do a full week with such a big group like that. He has never once done a vacation with my family. This trip to Gulf Shores to stay in the condo my mom rented will be the first time he has ever done anything overnight with my family. And my mom won't be all up in our business insisting on family activities. She will provide the roof and let us go do all the things we want to on our own. Which his family does not. They always have a full list of activities for each day of vacation and require a bunch of hiking. Not to mention that it is camping and they will insist we prepare meals for like 15 people. So it's a lot of work, all of which I do by myself. So secondarily, is it bitchy if I take the week off work and just stay home, planning fun things to do by myself and with my own friends? I will have vacation time and I will need a break end of September/early October because it's my busiest work season. I always take a break right in the middle. Anyway, help me to not be so angry. I don't want to yell. And if I start yelling, I'll probably start crying too and that always makes me feel worse. You've gotten great advice from the peas so whatever you decide to do, I know it will be a good choice. I bolded this part because it stuck out to me. I don't know your MIL or how she treats you, but could it be possible that she was planning on sleeping in your camper and that's why she said you two were a definite. You know, to secure her spot. Then you replied by saying it isn't possible, you have other plans. So she spoke to your dh and changed his mind. And now he feels trapped by his mother's wishes? Mother guilt is a tough thing to contend with. I might be reading into this incorrectly so I apologize if I am totally off track.
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