tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,426
Jun 27, 2014 2:27:09 GMT
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Post by tanya2 on Jan 19, 2022 4:33:07 GMT
Good for you for stating your piece & making him listen to it!! It's definitely disappointing that the plans have changed. I agree, find yourself something else fun to do - like visiting malibou (what a great offer!!)
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Post by maryland on Jan 19, 2022 4:44:55 GMT
I can understand why your upset with the change in plans. However, you get more vacation time than he does, and if I were in your shoes, I would use that flexibility to reach a compromise. Go on the vacation with your mom by yourself and let him go on this family camping trip by himself. Then, use the week that he still has available and plan something just for the two of you. You both get time with your family, and you still have a week for you as a couple, plus two more weeks to use as you see fit. Apparently, he enjoys these vacations with his family. Your previous plans would require him to give up his family trip and replace it with a trip with your mother. Since he only gets two weeks, I'm not sure that is "fair" to him, just as giving up your "couple's trip" isn't fair to you. That's what I was thinking too.
It's hard when one gets more vacation than the other. What about every other year you switch off. One year you spend both weeks doing something just with each other or friends, no extended family. Then the next year he spends one week with his week with his family and you with yours. Then the second week you spend together?
It's so hard when extended family wants to be part of your vacation. Holidays too, trying to split them up. I hope you all can work it out and both be happy with what you decide. Maybe let him know that he never mentioned wanting to spend a week with his family when you all made your plans? It sounds like maybe that could be what's so upsetting? If he mentioned wanting to spend a week with his family when you first started talking about vacation instead of after you made plans?
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Post by mikklynn on Jan 19, 2022 13:25:10 GMT
jeremysgirl You handled that perfectly. If he decides to go with his family, stick to your plan and do something else. You can always make 1 meal and the cookies to send with him.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 19, 2022 13:48:03 GMT
Update: He's angry at me for what I said about his family. How I don't like having to cook for so many people. How I don't like my entire vacation planned out everyday. How I don't like the lack of privacy and sharing the camper with his mom. How I don't like 10 mile hikes everyday. He really thought I would change my mind and come on the family camping trip. He didn't like that I told him he would have to own it with his mom that he unilaterally changed our plans. He didn't like that he was going to have to explain why I decided to take an alternative vacation.
His move was to say that he's not going on the family trip because he feels like he doesn't want to disappoint our friends who he already invited. I had told him he would have had to explain that too. But he said that he will not be going on the Gulf Shores trip either. He said that instead he will take two half weeks of vacation and schedule time with his friends to go 4 wheeling. I thought this was a shit move. I think that he did this on purpose because if he wasn't going to get his way on things, then neither was I.
I stressed again that I was fine with him cancelling our fall camping trip, going with his family instead, and that he could still come to Gulf Shores if he wanted to spend one week of vacation with me. That I had assumed months ago that he would do the camping trip with family and one week of vacation with me until he said he wanted to do something different. That I was willing to be understanding and really I was not going to be heartbroken if we didn't camp, as I would much prefer the beach trip to camping anyway. And he shut me right down and said the discussion was over and he had made up his mind.
I thought his decision to disappoint everyone, me, his mom, etc. was a shit move. And that if he wasn't going to get his way (me on that family camping trip and cancelling on our friends) that I wasn't going to get my way (his prior decision) and get two vacations with him. I'm disappointed in this whole situation. But I am going to just work today and let it go. I can't change his mind so it's not worth getting upset over anymore.
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janeinbama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,176
Location: Alabama
Jan 29, 2015 16:24:49 GMT
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Post by janeinbama on Jan 19, 2022 13:50:03 GMT
Do you cook all meals for 15 people? That's insane! How is that, in any stretch of the imagination, a vacation? Last time I cooked 3 dinners out of 7 and we did 2 breakfasts. In addition to snacks. Lunch is just snacks no cooking.. This and your MIL staying in the camper would be a no from me and I like RV camping!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 20:07:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2022 14:00:59 GMT
It sounds like maybe from the get go he didn't want to do those 2 week trips and is now doing this as a way to rebel against all plans.
Did it ever sound like he really wanted to do those 2 weeks vacation?
Did he get any choice or was it what you suggested and he went along with it?
It feels like he wasn't happy with any vacation choice, was being pulled between you and his mom (you have to admit that is a hard place to be) and finally said enough and chose what he wanted to do with his 2 weeks.
I mean I can blame him. You get 2 additional week and went away to Disney.
Maybe he is jealous of your extra weeks and just wants to go hang out with his friends sans wife like you just did. And can't put into words how to say that. 🤷♀️
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Post by mollycoddle on Jan 19, 2022 14:01:20 GMT
Re update: Wow. Is it possible that he thought that you enjoyed cooking for all of those people and sharing a camper with his mom? Or did he just never think about it?
I’m sorry that it turned out this way. You have said that you are pretty easy-going and that he expected you to go along on the family trip. Maybe he isn’t used to this side of you? At any rate, if you had agreed to go on the camping trip, it is hard to imagine that, after all of this, that you would have enjoyed yourself.
Plan something fantastic for yourself. You deserve it.
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Post by gar on Jan 19, 2022 14:04:38 GMT
Re update: Wow. Is it possible that he thought that you enjoyed cooking for all of those people and sharing a camper with his mom? Or did he just never think about it? Maybe it's this? It's upsetting if you think someone enjoys something you do together and then tells you afterwards they don't actually like it. But it's hard to imagine he really thought you loved the cooking etc so maybe he just hadn't thought about it properly.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 19, 2022 14:13:20 GMT
Did it ever sound like he really wanted to do those 2 weeks vacation? Did he get any choice or was it what you suggested and he went along with it? I did not suggest any of it. I was 110% shocked when he said he wanted to go to Gulf Shores. I expected to go alone. I did have an expectation of a just him and I camping trip because we had so much fun in September of last year. My expectations were totally one vacation with his family and one vacation with me, until he said differently. He changed his mind. It feels like he wasn't happy with any vacation choice, was being pulled between you and his mom (you have to admit that is a hard place to be) and finally said enough and chose what he wanted to do with his 2 weeks. I mean I can blame him. You get 2 additional week and went away to Disney. I don't know. It's possible he wasn't happy with any choice. But I just don't understand how you go from making up your mind to do something and starting to make plans for all of that and then just scrapping the whole thing. I really feel like there was a retaliatory move here. And I really tried to be as understanding as I could given my disappointment. But he knew I was upset yesterday when I walked away. But I seriously needed to cool down before I could have a rational discussion and *be* understanding. I needed to think about it from all angles. And you guys really helped me with that. By the time I sat down to discuss I felt like I had it all mapped out in my mind. He really did not like the fact that I wasn't going on the family camping trip and he probably realized that I was never going to enjoy that. I think he was disappointed by that. Maybe he is jealous of your extra weeks and just wants to go hang out with his friends sans wife like you just did. And can't put into words how to say that. No, that makes sense. But we are going to camp with friends, so it's not like he's not getting a friend vacation. But if he wants to spend alone time going away to ride his 4 wheeler, I really can't complain about that. But it has never once come up as a possibility when discussing vacation. So I don't know where this came from.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 19, 2022 14:13:22 GMT
His move was to say that he's not going on the family trip because he feels like he doesn't want to disappoint our friends who he already invited. I had told him he would have had to explain that too. But he said that he will not be going on the Gulf Shores trip either. He said that instead he will take two half weeks of vacation and schedule time with his friends to go 4 wheeling. I thought this was a shit move. I think that he did this on purpose because if he wasn't going to get his way on things, then neither was I. … I thought his decision to disappoint everyone, me, his mom, etc. was a shit move. And that if he wasn't going to get his way (me on that family camping trip and cancelling on our friends) that I wasn't going to get my way (his prior decision) and get two vacations with him. I'm disappointed in this whole situation. But I am going to just work today and let it go. I can't change his mind so it's not worth getting upset over anymore. I’m confused. Did he decide to cancel on everybody then? 🙁 ETA: I saw from your update that the friend trip is back on. After thinking about your update for a bit, the part that still would chap me is that by deciding to not do the family trip with his mom just because you said don’t want to go along really just makes you out to be the bad guy funsucker. And that really is a dick move IMO because it sounds like he decided from the start that the family trip was off the table for this year. By doing that, he’s laying all the blame for disappointing everyone at your feet when you shouldn’t have to own any of it. I could understand if he wanted to swap out the Gulf Shores trip (for him) so he could do the family trip with his mom instead and still have the friend trip with you even though I personally wouldn’t want to take all of my vacation in the same month. And I still really don’t understand these men who seem to think that we women really should just enjoy “being the mom in a different place” vs. getting to take an actual vacation where we get a break from all of our everyday responsibilities too. WTAF. 🙄 😳 Reminds me of that meme that says, “Going to Target by myself is more of a vacation than going on vacation with my family.” Word.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 19, 2022 14:22:02 GMT
Plan something fantastic for yourself. You deserve it. Well the Gulf Shores trip should be very nice and low-key. I'll get a lot of beach time. And I'm sure since it will be only me, my mom will make it a point to spend a bit of time with me. Maybe it's this? It's upsetting if you think someone enjoys something you do together and then tells you afterwards they don't actually like it. But it's hard to imagine he really thought you loved the cooking etc so maybe he just hadn't thought about it properly. Well, I'm not a complainer. So maybe it did take him by surprise. There have only been two family camping trips since we got the camper. He knew not to expect me in a tent so I had never gone before. And I went on one in 2020 and didn't go on the other in 2021. But he knew last year that it wasn't even a possibility for me because it was late June and that timing just doesn't work for my job. So I did not have to discuss all these issues. And I am really a go along-get along type of person. Which is why I even stated in my OP that I felt resigned to go on the family camping trip with him in the first post. Until you guys made me think that maybe my feelings on it weren't unreasonable and I shouldn't feel guilt about planning something alternatively. So I blame the peas. LOL. Just kidding. But it did make me think about it harder.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 19, 2022 14:23:10 GMT
His move was to say that he's not going on the family trip because he feels like he doesn't want to disappoint our friends who he already invited. I had told him he would have had to explain that too. But he said that he will not be going on the Gulf Shores trip either. He said that instead he will take two half weeks of vacation and schedule time with his friends to go 4 wheeling. I thought this was a shit move. I think that he did this on purpose because if he wasn't going to get his way on things, then neither was I. … I thought his decision to disappoint everyone, me, his mom, etc. was a shit move. And that if he wasn't going to get his way (me on that family camping trip and cancelling on our friends) that I wasn't going to get my way (his prior decision) and get two vacations with him. I'm disappointed in this whole situation. But I am going to just work today and let it go. I can't change his mind so it's not worth getting upset over anymore. I’m confused. Did he decide to cancel on everybody then? 🙁 He cancelled the trip to Gulf Shores and he cancelled the family camping trip. The camping trip with our friends is still on because he didn't want to cancel on them.
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sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456
Jun 26, 2014 23:58:32 GMT
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Post by sassyangel on Jan 19, 2022 14:44:03 GMT
I’m confused. Did he decide to cancel on everybody then? 🙁 He cancelled the trip to Gulf Shores and he cancelled the family camping trip. The camping trip with our friends is still on because he didn't want to cancel on them. So it’s ok to upset and ditch you, but not them? I’m starting to get irked at him myself. Seems like ‘if can’t have what I want, then no one does’ petulant thinking. And that never flies with me.
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Post by gar on Jan 19, 2022 14:54:31 GMT
Well, I'm not a complainer. So maybe it did take him by surprise. Well he knows now and maybe thats a good thing I hope you can get past this and both enjoy your separate activities!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 19, 2022 14:56:16 GMT
He cancelled the trip to Gulf Shores and he cancelled the family camping trip. The camping trip with our friends is still on because he didn't want to cancel on them. So it’s ok to upset and ditch you, but not them? I’m starting to get irked at him myself. Seems like ‘if can’t have what I want, then no one does’ petulant thinking. And that never flies with me. That was my knee jerk reaction to it too. I'm not sure what to make of this entire thing. If he had even hinted at the idea of going with his friend on a 4 wheeling vacation, I might be able to look at this not the same way. But it was never on the radar at all. He usually does his riding on weekends. The whole thing from start to finish just seems so out of character for him. The only thing that doesn't seem out of character is his unwillingness (if that's actually the case) to disappoint our friends. But everyone else around him right now is a casualty. And that doesn't seem like him. At this point, though, he's unwilling to talk about it any further.
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Post by littlemama on Jan 19, 2022 15:04:07 GMT
It sounds like you both need a cooling off period befire any further discussion.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,152
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jan 19, 2022 15:14:10 GMT
Sounds like he's throwing a tantrum. So if he wanted to do the family camping trip, what prevents him from going? He's cancelled the beach with you and doing more friend activities instead...where cancelling the beach frees him up to camp with family. That part seems strange to me. Especially if you didn't care if he camped with them as long as you didn't have to (or had to give up your camping trip.)
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sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456
Jun 26, 2014 23:58:32 GMT
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Post by sassyangel on Jan 19, 2022 15:15:27 GMT
So it’s ok to upset and ditch you, but not them? I’m starting to get irked at him myself. Seems like ‘if can’t have what I want, then no one does’ petulant thinking. And that never flies with me. That was my knee jerk reaction to it too. I'm not sure what to make of this entire thing. If he had even hinted at the idea of going with his friend on a 4 wheeling vacation, I might be able to look at this not the same way. But it was never on the radar at all. He usually does his riding on weekends. The whole thing from start to finish just seems so out of character for him. The only thing that doesn't seem out of character is his unwillingness (if that's actually the case) to disappoint our friends. But everyone else around him right now is a casualty. And that doesn't seem like him. At this point, though, he's unwilling to talk about it any further. If you give him a few more days is he likely to stew and then perhaps reevaluate, or to further solidify his new plans? I mean, yesterday I could see both your perspectives. I get far more vacation than my husband, so at times I’ve gone away without him. He works so hard (his job is physical as opposed to my mentally taxing one) I actually feel bad he doesn’t get as much as I do (although he gets more than Jeremy, and I could easily go on a 5 minute rage fit on companies that think two weeks of vacation is adequate downtime, especially for some of these professions - but I won’t) Today, I’m understanding less of his perspective, cause you’re right it did seem to come out of left field, and seems more retaliatory, as a result. Would he have cancelled on your friends, if you hadn’t put the actual doing so, on him? I don’t mind camping occasionally, but I do entirely understand your objections to a big family trip. Between MIL sharing the camper, constant forced togetherness, and cooking for an army regularly, it’s not an enjoyable vacation for you as a result. I’m surprised he can’t see that. But it’s easy to enjoy a vacation like that when all the unenjoyable mechanics of it happen around you, I guess.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,540
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Jan 19, 2022 15:27:27 GMT
Re update: Wow. Is it possible that he thought that you enjoyed cooking for all of those people and sharing a camper with his mom? Or did he just never think about it? In my house, I enjoy cooking, I believe you do too OP, so I could see my DH thinking well she enjoys cooking dinner for us, why not for 15 people - not having the first clue as he doesn't cook- that cooking for 4 on a normal night and cooking for 15 while on vacation are wildly different things. So that I get. We will have a situation this summer where DH's huge family will gather and we all split up the meals. Expectations are set before we gather that everyone takes one night. This is non negotiable. Yes I like to cook, no I do not like to cook while on vacation and for more than 4 people at a time unless it involves a crock pot I can dump and walk away from. And I really tried to be as understanding as I could given my disappointment. But he knew I was upset yesterday when I walked away. But I seriously needed to cool down before I could have a rational discussion and *be* understanding. I needed to think about it from all angles. I just want to say, I applaud the way you and your DH communicate your anger with each other. Respecting that you need space to calm down, then asking for the space to say your piece. We have had a covid breakout here in my house and have been isolating from each other for a week now. I can really tell I haven't spoken much to DH this past week and it's stressing me out. Good communication with your partner is essential, even when you're angry with each other.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,630
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 19, 2022 15:47:16 GMT
And the moral of the story is: complain more!
Honestly! You say you never complain and he likely really didn't know that you didn't enjoy that aspect of that trip.
Who knew my constant bitching and moaning was actually helpful?
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,858
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Jan 19, 2022 16:01:06 GMT
((((BIG HUG)))) i don't really like the way he handled it... it does seem like you will be the bad guy in the family camping because yall will be camping with friends instead of family... i don't think he will intentionally but he will throw your under the bus.... mom will say if yall are camping in Oct.. why aren't yall doing it with us... and he will say jsgirl didnt wanna go so we are doing friends instead... so the blame is on you... that is not ok!!!
I hope when the time comes yall dont have some resentment towards each other about the way this all went down....
Good luck friend!! Wishing you the very best...
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,785
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jan 19, 2022 16:15:50 GMT
I'm sorry for his reaction, he didn't marry a robot, you have a voice and opinion. You are very much entitled to express them. I think you need to speak up more if the idea of his wife not liking to spend her vacation cooking for a small platoon is a surprise to him.
Did he not offer to take some of the load or try to find a way to make it bearable for you?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 20:07:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2022 16:21:00 GMT
So it’s ok to upset and ditch you, but not them? I’m starting to get irked at him myself. Seems like ‘if can’t have what I want, then no one does’ petulant thinking. And that never flies with me. That was my knee jerk reaction to it too. I'm not sure what to make of this entire thing. If he had even hinted at the idea of going with his friend on a 4 wheeling vacation, I might be able to look at this not the same way. But it was never on the radar at all. He usually does his riding on weekends. The whole thing from start to finish just seems so out of character for him. The only thing that doesn't seem out of character is his unwillingness (if that's actually the case) to disappoint our friends. But everyone else around him right now is a casualty. And that doesn't seem like him. At this point, though, he's unwilling to talk about it any further. Do you think it's out of character for him because he's not seen you put your foot down before? Maybe he doesn't know how to handle yet? I definitely see him as having a little tantrum about it. I still think my theory of him not wanting to disappoint his Mom is at the heart of it all. You will look like the bad guy and his hands are clean. Not going to the Gulf shores is your punishment for being assertive. And then going 4 wheeling is another little "so there". I would let him cool down and think about it more. But if I were you, I would like to know more about the "why" of his reaction to all of this. Because it may come up again in another scenario. I'm rooting for you girl. You are handling this like a boss.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jan 19, 2022 16:39:58 GMT
At this point, I suggest calling a truce, stepping away from it and then revisiting it in a couple weeks when you've both had time to process and think about what is best for both of you. The more I think about it the more I recognize that w/only 2 weeks he really has to make every vacation day count and he wants to make the most of them. These family trips are important to him and so is being w/you. However, I completely understand why you would prefer to go to a beach house w/your mom. I'm sure that having his mom stay w/you in the camper is not fun and not the way I would want to spend some potentially romantic starry nights w/my spouse. His 14 wheeler trip idea is the product of a person who is stomping off in a huff. He's disappointed, despite being the one who changed plans w/o consulting you.
Take a moment, step back and re-visit this when you're both calm and the anger has reduced for both of you. I know that he's very supportive of you and loves you and vice versa. So, don't make any plans today. I think this is workable for both of you.
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Post by elaine on Jan 19, 2022 17:03:18 GMT
At this point, I suggest calling a truce, stepping away from it and then revisiting it in a couple weeks when you've both had time to process and think about what is best for both of you. The more I think about it the more I recognize that w/only 2 weeks he really has to make every vacation day count and he wants to make the most of them. These family trips are important to him and so is being w/you. However, I completely understand why you would prefer to go to a beach house w/your mom. I'm sure that having his mom stay w/you in the camper is not fun and not the way I would want to spend some potentially romantic starry nights w/my spouse. His 14 wheeler trip idea is the product of a person who is stomping off in a huff. He's disappointed, despite being the one who changed plans w/o consulting you. Take a moment, step back and re-visit this when you're both calm and the anger has reduced for both of you. I know that he's very supportive of you and loves you and vice versa. So, don't make any plans today. I think this is workable for both of you. You are such a wise woman! This is wonderful advice. 🥰
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Post by Skellinton on Jan 19, 2022 17:10:23 GMT
At this point, I suggest calling a truce, stepping away from it and then revisiting it in a couple weeks when you've both had time to process and think about what is best for both of you. The more I think about it the more I recognize that w/only 2 weeks he really has to make every vacation day count and he wants to make the most of them. These family trips are important to him and so is being w/you. However, I completely understand why you would prefer to go to a beach house w/your mom. I'm sure that having his mom stay w/you in the camper is not fun and not the way I would want to spend some potentially romantic starry nights w/my spouse. His 14 wheeler trip idea is the product of a person who is stomping off in a huff. He's disappointed, despite being the one who changed plans w/o consulting you. Take a moment, step back and re-visit this when you're both calm and the anger has reduced for both of you. I know that he's very supportive of you and loves you and vice versa. So, don't make any plans today. I think this is workable for both of you. I agree, no idea why he is being such a petty little martyr by cancelling everything, but agree you both need time and I wouldn’t discuss it for a week or so.
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Post by LiLi on Jan 19, 2022 17:39:00 GMT
I am so sorry. I can imagine this sort of thing happening with my husband. I hate the heaviness that happens when we are upset with eachother and it goes unresolved for a while. <3
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 19, 2022 18:08:55 GMT
But I am going to just work today and let it go. I can't change his mind so it's not worth getting upset over anymore. Wise woman. Time to reflect and cool down might give you a second chance to change some plans or maybe not. Re update: Wow. Is it possible that he thought that you enjoyed cooking for all of those people and sharing a camper with his mom? Or did he just never think about it? When you go along with a smile on your face others don't see that it really isn't your dream vacation. Two weeks vacation does suck, especially when there is any sort of obligation/expectation you spend at least part of it visiting extended family. As much as I love DH's family, they do exhaust me. I might be ok with camping if I could spend a couple hours in a hammock with a book and silence all around, but not 24/7 togetherness. And not my MIL in my camper.
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,333
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Jan 19, 2022 18:13:43 GMT
I just read your post and update, not whole thread. A lot of things going on. I hope once the dust settles, you two can discuss again and come to a compromise. As we say in MN, uff da!
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Post by kelbel827 on Jan 19, 2022 18:25:31 GMT
I'd be upset/mad about all of the things you mentioned. The thing that would piss me off the most is that once his mind is made up, there's no changing it. Does he think that because his mind is made up that you should automatically go along with it?? To me, that's not marriage and that's not compromise. There is no way in hell that would fly with me.
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