Update #2: I am so mad right now, talk me down...
Jan 18, 2022 20:21:49 GMT
Rhondito, cakediva, and 4 more like this
Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 18, 2022 20:21:49 GMT
Update #2: I'm sorry I posted this morning and didn't have time to catch up on the thread until now. I appreciate all your comments. I read every one of them and think about them.
So whew! He came home today in a good mood and ready to discuss things further. First, he checked the vacation schedule at work today. The week the family is camping is already taken, so that's not even a possibility. Family trip is definitely off. I had asked him if I had said I wanted to go on the family trip, would that have changed his decision and he said honestly that it may have. But he said his friend seemed very excited about the October trip and once he had time to think about it, he really did not want to pull out on our friends. I told him that this would be the first time we were vacationing with our friends and there was a decent chance I might not want to go with them again either. And he laughed at that. But I did say that at least I knew our friends would be good with taking things slow, just doing whatever the four of us want, splitting up (he and his friend plan to golf and me and my friend plan to look for a yarn store, and they have no problems just doing things as couples too, etc.) I told him that I might feel much differently about the family trip if 1) we drove there alone, together 2) we only stayed for about 3 nights and maybe headed somewhere else to enjoy more of our time just the two of us 3) I had less nights to cook which would be a moot point if we were only staying with them for 3 nights anyway and 4) we didn't participate in all the family activities. I told him that I couldn't handle a week with my entire family either. He said he could! Ha. I laughed my ass off at that one. He's been trying to get my sister and BIL to go with us just for a weekend and I'm not sure I can even handle 3 days with my own sister.
And he said that he was still open to the Gulf Shores trip. He said he was going to check with our neighbor (who he rides 4 wheelers with) if he wants to do a long weekend sometime this summer near the dunes. He also said that he was going to check with his golf buddies to see if they want to do a long weekend up north this summer too. He said sincerely that he felt like I had had a good time last week with my BFF in Disney and he would really like to be able to spend more friends time. I believed him. It seemed sincere and not a slapback move which was what I thought it was this morning. But he said he would get back to me on Gulf Shores depending on what his friends say, he's still deciding.
But anyway, I'm glad that we are back to ourselves. We are both pretty easy going people. I don't often have to put my foot down about anything and neither does he. So when there's a standoff, it creates so much tension in me. I just can't even stand it. We hardly ever argue. Just have really different perspectives of the family camping trip. To be fair, he didn't know how I felt about it because I didn't really say. I made a few comments here and there, but so did he. Like he was very upset the night his sister cooked that there wasn't enough food. That he complained about. And I had said to him that I didn't want to go on the one hike we did. I did complain about it. And I reminded him that I did and that it didn't even register with him.
I LOL'd at peabay comment about complaining. Maybe I need to make myself heard more. The thing is, very few things upset me enough to actually fight about them. And he's the same way. I think he doesn't want to tell his mother no and he doesn't want to tell me no either. So I'm sure he did feel like he was between a rock and a hard place. He doesn't complain either most of the time.
Anyway, I have to go make dinner as I'm expecting company. But I just wanted to say that I appreciate all your feedback. Someone had said they thought we were good with how we handle our anger. We really aren't. I've worked very hard with my bipolar not to blow up. But it doesn't mean we don't feel it or that it takes us quite a bit of time to figure out how to deal with it. And we definitely do not like talking about it.
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Update: He's angry at me for what I said about his family. How I don't like having to cook for so many people. How I don't like my entire vacation planned out everyday. How I don't like the lack of privacy and sharing the camper with his mom. How I don't like 10 mile hikes everyday. He really thought I would change my mind and come on the family camping trip. He didn't like that I told him he would have to own it with his mom that he unilaterally changed our plans. He didn't like that he was going to have to explain why I decided to take an alternative vacation.
His move was to say that he's not going on the family trip because he feels like he doesn't want to disappoint our friends who he already invited. I had told him he would have had to explain that too. But he said that he will not be going on the Gulf Shores trip either. He said that instead he will take two half weeks of vacation and schedule time with his friends to go 4 wheeling. I thought this was a shit move. I think that he did this on purpose because if he wasn't going to get his way on things, then neither was I.
I stressed again that I was fine with him cancelling our fall camping trip, going with his family instead, and that he could still come to Gulf Shores if he wanted to spend one week of vacation with me. That I had assumed months ago that he would do the camping trip with family and one week of vacation with me until he said he wanted to do something different. That I was willing to be understanding and really I was not going to be heartbroken if we didn't camp, as I would much prefer the beach trip to camping anyway. And he shut me right down and said the discussion was over and he had made up his mind.
I thought his decision to disappoint everyone, me, his mom, etc. was a shit move. And that if he wasn't going to get his way (me on that family camping trip and cancelling on our friends) that I wasn't going to get my way (his prior decision) and get two vacations with him. I'm disappointed in this whole situation. But I am going to just work today and let it go. I can't change his mind so it's not worth getting upset over anymore.
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I need someone to talk me down because I'm so freaking hot about this, my face is red and I'm about to lose my shit. It doesn't happen very often with me so it's hard when I'm so mad, I could eat the living.
Anyway, Jeremy gets only two weeks of vacation per year. He is still waiting his turn to pick his exact vacation weeks as it works by seniority. He should be able to pick next week. However, he has never had trouble getting his vacation around an approximate time. He may have to move his choice back a week or forward a week but there's not so many people he works with that full months are gone by his turn or anything.
Last year, he went on a family camping trip in June without me. And then we went on a camping trip by ourselves in September. Those were his two weeks.
This year, we discussed just a month ago what we had planned for this year. We had decided that we would go to Gulf Shores in April. My mom is staying in a condo for a couple of months down there all by herself. So I figured he could choose a week and then we will both go whenever he can. Then we have been planning a camping trip for October in Tennessee. We have some friends that live there and we have never been there to vacation. We even invited another couple (friends) to go with us, but made clear we couldn't get specific until we knew what week in October he was going to be able to get for vacation. But we were solid on our vacation plans.
This weekend (I was on vacation so I didn't get the email until I checked this morning) his family sent group emails about a camping trip they are planning in Virginia in October. In the group message thread, his mother replied that Jeremy should have no problem getting that week off and that they could count on us for the camping trip! I replied this morning to the group message thread that we already had plans for a private camping trip in October. So Jeremy just got home from work and he said he talked to his mom and told her he needed to discuss it with me. I said, why didn't you just tell her we already had plans and that you wouldn't be going? And he said, well, I wanted to discuss it with you because I think I want to go! I just walked away from him to avoid yelling. I am THAT MAD. Now he's avoiding me and I'm pissed because I just feel like the rug got pulled right out from under me, single-handedly by him without even discussing it with me.
And I know him. When he makes his mind up, he's done. So this is the way it is. I'm not changing it. And now my choice is to either go camping with his entire extended family or to stay home by myself. I'm very upset by this.
He's not an asshole. He has two weeks of vacation, I have 4. I just returned from a girls trip to Disney with my BFF that he didn't bat an eyelash at. I can't, just can't tell him he can't go. But I'm so, so disappointed that he just pulled the rug out from under my feet without even discussing it with me, let alone our friends who he already invited to camp with us. And I'm even more angry that if I want another vacation I have to go with his family. I have nothing against his family, but I have done so many vacations with them and it's hard to do a full week with such a big group like that. He has never once done a vacation with my family. This trip to Gulf Shores to stay in the condo my mom rented will be the first time he has ever done anything overnight with my family. And my mom won't be all up in our business insisting on family activities. She will provide the roof and let us go do all the things we want to on our own. Which his family does not. They always have a full list of activities for each day of vacation and require a bunch of hiking. Not to mention that it is camping and they will insist we prepare meals for like 15 people. So it's a lot of work, all of which I do by myself. So secondarily, is it bitchy if I take the week off work and just stay home, planning fun things to do by myself and with my own friends? I will have vacation time and I will need a break end of September/early October because it's my busiest work season. I always take a break right in the middle.
Anyway, help me to not be so angry. I don't want to yell. And if I start yelling, I'll probably start crying too and that always makes me feel worse.
So whew! He came home today in a good mood and ready to discuss things further. First, he checked the vacation schedule at work today. The week the family is camping is already taken, so that's not even a possibility. Family trip is definitely off. I had asked him if I had said I wanted to go on the family trip, would that have changed his decision and he said honestly that it may have. But he said his friend seemed very excited about the October trip and once he had time to think about it, he really did not want to pull out on our friends. I told him that this would be the first time we were vacationing with our friends and there was a decent chance I might not want to go with them again either. And he laughed at that. But I did say that at least I knew our friends would be good with taking things slow, just doing whatever the four of us want, splitting up (he and his friend plan to golf and me and my friend plan to look for a yarn store, and they have no problems just doing things as couples too, etc.) I told him that I might feel much differently about the family trip if 1) we drove there alone, together 2) we only stayed for about 3 nights and maybe headed somewhere else to enjoy more of our time just the two of us 3) I had less nights to cook which would be a moot point if we were only staying with them for 3 nights anyway and 4) we didn't participate in all the family activities. I told him that I couldn't handle a week with my entire family either. He said he could! Ha. I laughed my ass off at that one. He's been trying to get my sister and BIL to go with us just for a weekend and I'm not sure I can even handle 3 days with my own sister.
And he said that he was still open to the Gulf Shores trip. He said he was going to check with our neighbor (who he rides 4 wheelers with) if he wants to do a long weekend sometime this summer near the dunes. He also said that he was going to check with his golf buddies to see if they want to do a long weekend up north this summer too. He said sincerely that he felt like I had had a good time last week with my BFF in Disney and he would really like to be able to spend more friends time. I believed him. It seemed sincere and not a slapback move which was what I thought it was this morning. But he said he would get back to me on Gulf Shores depending on what his friends say, he's still deciding.
But anyway, I'm glad that we are back to ourselves. We are both pretty easy going people. I don't often have to put my foot down about anything and neither does he. So when there's a standoff, it creates so much tension in me. I just can't even stand it. We hardly ever argue. Just have really different perspectives of the family camping trip. To be fair, he didn't know how I felt about it because I didn't really say. I made a few comments here and there, but so did he. Like he was very upset the night his sister cooked that there wasn't enough food. That he complained about. And I had said to him that I didn't want to go on the one hike we did. I did complain about it. And I reminded him that I did and that it didn't even register with him.
I LOL'd at peabay comment about complaining. Maybe I need to make myself heard more. The thing is, very few things upset me enough to actually fight about them. And he's the same way. I think he doesn't want to tell his mother no and he doesn't want to tell me no either. So I'm sure he did feel like he was between a rock and a hard place. He doesn't complain either most of the time.
Anyway, I have to go make dinner as I'm expecting company. But I just wanted to say that I appreciate all your feedback. Someone had said they thought we were good with how we handle our anger. We really aren't. I've worked very hard with my bipolar not to blow up. But it doesn't mean we don't feel it or that it takes us quite a bit of time to figure out how to deal with it. And we definitely do not like talking about it.
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Update: He's angry at me for what I said about his family. How I don't like having to cook for so many people. How I don't like my entire vacation planned out everyday. How I don't like the lack of privacy and sharing the camper with his mom. How I don't like 10 mile hikes everyday. He really thought I would change my mind and come on the family camping trip. He didn't like that I told him he would have to own it with his mom that he unilaterally changed our plans. He didn't like that he was going to have to explain why I decided to take an alternative vacation.
His move was to say that he's not going on the family trip because he feels like he doesn't want to disappoint our friends who he already invited. I had told him he would have had to explain that too. But he said that he will not be going on the Gulf Shores trip either. He said that instead he will take two half weeks of vacation and schedule time with his friends to go 4 wheeling. I thought this was a shit move. I think that he did this on purpose because if he wasn't going to get his way on things, then neither was I.
I stressed again that I was fine with him cancelling our fall camping trip, going with his family instead, and that he could still come to Gulf Shores if he wanted to spend one week of vacation with me. That I had assumed months ago that he would do the camping trip with family and one week of vacation with me until he said he wanted to do something different. That I was willing to be understanding and really I was not going to be heartbroken if we didn't camp, as I would much prefer the beach trip to camping anyway. And he shut me right down and said the discussion was over and he had made up his mind.
I thought his decision to disappoint everyone, me, his mom, etc. was a shit move. And that if he wasn't going to get his way (me on that family camping trip and cancelling on our friends) that I wasn't going to get my way (his prior decision) and get two vacations with him. I'm disappointed in this whole situation. But I am going to just work today and let it go. I can't change his mind so it's not worth getting upset over anymore.
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I need someone to talk me down because I'm so freaking hot about this, my face is red and I'm about to lose my shit. It doesn't happen very often with me so it's hard when I'm so mad, I could eat the living.
Anyway, Jeremy gets only two weeks of vacation per year. He is still waiting his turn to pick his exact vacation weeks as it works by seniority. He should be able to pick next week. However, he has never had trouble getting his vacation around an approximate time. He may have to move his choice back a week or forward a week but there's not so many people he works with that full months are gone by his turn or anything.
Last year, he went on a family camping trip in June without me. And then we went on a camping trip by ourselves in September. Those were his two weeks.
This year, we discussed just a month ago what we had planned for this year. We had decided that we would go to Gulf Shores in April. My mom is staying in a condo for a couple of months down there all by herself. So I figured he could choose a week and then we will both go whenever he can. Then we have been planning a camping trip for October in Tennessee. We have some friends that live there and we have never been there to vacation. We even invited another couple (friends) to go with us, but made clear we couldn't get specific until we knew what week in October he was going to be able to get for vacation. But we were solid on our vacation plans.
This weekend (I was on vacation so I didn't get the email until I checked this morning) his family sent group emails about a camping trip they are planning in Virginia in October. In the group message thread, his mother replied that Jeremy should have no problem getting that week off and that they could count on us for the camping trip! I replied this morning to the group message thread that we already had plans for a private camping trip in October. So Jeremy just got home from work and he said he talked to his mom and told her he needed to discuss it with me. I said, why didn't you just tell her we already had plans and that you wouldn't be going? And he said, well, I wanted to discuss it with you because I think I want to go! I just walked away from him to avoid yelling. I am THAT MAD. Now he's avoiding me and I'm pissed because I just feel like the rug got pulled right out from under me, single-handedly by him without even discussing it with me.
And I know him. When he makes his mind up, he's done. So this is the way it is. I'm not changing it. And now my choice is to either go camping with his entire extended family or to stay home by myself. I'm very upset by this.
He's not an asshole. He has two weeks of vacation, I have 4. I just returned from a girls trip to Disney with my BFF that he didn't bat an eyelash at. I can't, just can't tell him he can't go. But I'm so, so disappointed that he just pulled the rug out from under my feet without even discussing it with me, let alone our friends who he already invited to camp with us. And I'm even more angry that if I want another vacation I have to go with his family. I have nothing against his family, but I have done so many vacations with them and it's hard to do a full week with such a big group like that. He has never once done a vacation with my family. This trip to Gulf Shores to stay in the condo my mom rented will be the first time he has ever done anything overnight with my family. And my mom won't be all up in our business insisting on family activities. She will provide the roof and let us go do all the things we want to on our own. Which his family does not. They always have a full list of activities for each day of vacation and require a bunch of hiking. Not to mention that it is camping and they will insist we prepare meals for like 15 people. So it's a lot of work, all of which I do by myself. So secondarily, is it bitchy if I take the week off work and just stay home, planning fun things to do by myself and with my own friends? I will have vacation time and I will need a break end of September/early October because it's my busiest work season. I always take a break right in the middle.
Anyway, help me to not be so angry. I don't want to yell. And if I start yelling, I'll probably start crying too and that always makes me feel worse.
