When your (grown) kids have in-laws

My parents are not close with my in-laws. My FIL was just out here for a visit and to meet my son and we did not invite my parents over, they are local to us so they get a lot of grandparent time. We wanted the focus to be on my FIL since time was so limited.

My MIL and my mom used to be friendly, they’d text and chat on fb. My MIL went off the deep end with Covid, lockdowns, and vaccines so that relationship is pretty much done.

In my birth family, my oldest brother had inlaws that became surrogate grandparents (In my mind). We had no living grandparents and the inlaws became a natural part of the family and spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas with us.

My older DDs in-laws are what I would affectionately call a lovely 'ordinary' family. We're not bosom buddies and we don't meet up other than at family occasions but they're lovely people with similar 'standards' and values and we get on well whenever we see each other, chatting easily and happily etc.  

My younger DD's in-laws are quite different in several ways. They are long separated and live somewhat separate lives although they still co-habit which they're coy about - which is fine but I have to remember what I can and can't say. They are wealthy too. The father is a business man through and through, a self made man and I struggle to have conversations with him as does my Dh. He doesn't seem to want to find common ground particularly and isn't what I recognise as a family man, disappearing early from any family occasions to do his own thing. Mum seems a nice lady but we haven't seen them many times and although she seems very nice and is lovely with my DD, I'm not sure we'll ever click, if you know what I mean.

My daughter's ex (they were married 14 years) I only saw at thanksgiving. We went to my dd and sil's house and his parents came. It was cordial but not something that would likely have expanded beyond that had we been close proximity. It was a 2 hour drive for them and a 7 hour drive for us.

Son1's wife's parents I've have never met and I don't expect to unless Japan is invaded and they needed a place to escape to. I would open my home to them in a heart beat. An in person relationship with them would be a mixed bag. My dil loves them dearly, my son enjoys their company but I think it would be difficult because we have no shared language but think we would have a respectful peaceful relationship. My dil speaks English quite well and I like her very much. DS translates as needed. I speak 0 Japanese and her parents speak 0 English.

Son2's wife is very sweet. I have never met her family outside of facebook. I am facebook friends with her mom. I think we would get along ok for grandkid birthdays and holidays. I don't realy think we would develop a hang out type of relations. The distance between Oklahoma and Oregon is too far to know for sure. DS and DIL come to Oklahoma to see my mom as she isn't up to traveling and to be honest I probably am not either.

My daughter's inlaws are in new zealand, but we are very friendly with them. very compatible. my new daughter in law's folks live across on the east coast, she has a difficult relationship with them at times.. and we have only facetimed and are facebook friends. we are on the opposite sides of politics, so it may be difficult to keep mouth shut when we meet them in person in may. they raised a lovely daughter.. my son gets along with them.. so I will try to focus on that. I think culturally we are from different generations.

My oldest son's in laws are great people. We don't socialize with them outside of family gatherings though. We see them at grandboys birthdays, Christmas, etc. 

My my youngest son lives with his girlfriend and we have not yet met her parents. We hope to have a barbeque or something this summer and have a chance to meet them. 

This is where my IL's and my parents were. They met when we got married, and by that time my mom and my soon to be DH had already had a couple of squabbles. that set the tone for things, and it just never took off in terms of friendship. They were cordial to each other, and were always welcomed to dinner when they were in town, but mom was local to me and DH's family is not.

It didn't help matters that I adored my IL's and they are so much more laid back than my family is. My cousin got married over Memorial Day weekend, we had plans, set in place months before, to go to the beach for a family gathering on DH's side. My mother was furious that I wouldn't give up the beach to drive several hours for the wedding. My cousins completely understood. Stuff like that led to them being polite, but not overly friendly to each other.

It seems like I’m the odd one out - my parents and my in laws saw each other *all the time* !! They are all local and sat together at all the kids’ many (many) sporting events, concerts, graduations etc.

My oldest has a serious girlfriend whom I adore - and I absolutely adore her parents. We have many friends in common and would think we would see them often if they become in laws.

My parents and my in-laws really don't speak.  They live on opposite coasts, so it's not an issue; they can be civil to each other long enough to get through a bat mitzvah or whatever.

I can tell you what not to do…

Don’t include, meet, and invite one child’s in-laws to family gatherings and not the others.

I know of a family that includes my friend’s brother and sister’s in laws in everything. However, they have never included or attempted a relationship with his in-laws. He is the child from his father’s first marriage. He is now in his 50’s and they have been married since he was 14.

It is extremely painful for my friend to the point that he just stopped attending family gatherings.

My parents and my ILs lived in 3 different states (ILs were divorced and had new spouses). My parents got along very well with them, though there were not many chances for them to get together. One of my sibs has ILs that live in the next town over from my folks; the ILs have big family gatherings for Thanksgiving, summer barbecues, etc., and my parents happily attend. They're good people, and the relationship is very cordial, but they're not so close that they'd drop in on one another, KWIM?

I can only speak to my parent and IL's relationship. They get along very well but are not buddies. We celebrate holidays and other celebrations as an entire family (my parent, ILs, my brother's family and DH's brother's family. If possible we also include BIL's IL and my SIL's IL). We are all going to my Brother's wife's mom's place for Easter (Except for BIL group as they have other plans).

My parents and my ILs and my brother all live very close (5min) from each other. While they don't hang out they do connect with each other with out me. My MIL sometimes has a hard time conversing with my mom due to my mom's accent and my MIL's lack of exposure to accents. My DH has said the same thing in general. He just has a really hard time with accents since he wasn't exposed people with them growing up.

My ILs and parents have different interests so the only thing that brings them together is family. But that's enough. I grew up as a military brat and my mom is an immigrant, so as a family we have always made "family" where we find one. The more the merrier.

My parents had two weddings one in Asia and on in WI. I know that my grandparents met each other but not many times. I do know that my dad's family hosted a few of my mom's sisters when they can to visit. Both sides have always been very welcoming towards each other.

We've got both ends of the spectrum- One kids potential in laws we've never met, they've been together 4 years. The other who is in a serious relationship we met their parents about a year into their relationship and we hang out socially. We all do dinner with the kids, I've traveled with her mom, we go to her dads parties, etc.

I have an aunt that is the same age as me and we're also close with her in laws- we join them for holidays and tell them that we hit the in law jackpot with them and they say they've got enough in law'ing to do for all of us. I love them so much.

My grandparents were cordial towards each other but I admit I only have two memories of them ever interacting.

MIL and my dad get along. Before my mom passed, MIL and mom chatted a few times and friended each other on FB. Dad controls the account now and hasn't changed the list at all. FIL and my parents met once. My parents were not impressed by him at all. I doubt my dad would even recognize FIL if he saw him again.

My ex in-laws and parents were polite to each other but that's about it. There was some weird jealousy or competition issue when it came to the kids.

One kid is dating right now. I'm not sure how serious it'll get. Based on a few things I've heard, I'd probably never meet her family.