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Post by elaine on May 10, 2022 21:32:19 GMT
If there was no will ALL children are entitled to an equal share of the estate in most cases. All of the money would have gone to his wife when he died if there was no will. I don’t think the father’s will may be relevant at all since his wife outlived him. The important will in this case is her mom’s. And then there is the issue that the sister has had mom living in sister’s home for years now, so if mom doesn’t have a will, equal shares may not be a given. And if the mom gave all her money to the three other siblings while she was still living, I don’t know if there is a legal leg to stand on. It was mom’s money and mom could give it to whomever she chose while she was alive. It stinks, but I think it is the legal reality. quinlove , I am so sorry that your adoptive parents and your siblings were not at all who you deserve. And that they have been so hurtful your whole life. You deserve so much more. (((Hugs))). I would schedule a consultation with a lawyer if you want to go that route. Since your mom outlived your dad, I don’t think that his not having a will plays a part other than it means that all his assets were most likely your mom’s to do with as she pleased. If there was a will, and you were named in it, and that wasn’t honored, that is something else.
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scrappinwithoutpeas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,926
Location: Northern Virginia
Aug 7, 2014 22:09:44 GMT
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Post by scrappinwithoutpeas on May 10, 2022 21:44:08 GMT
I have no words of wisdom for you, just sorry that you're going through this. It's very unfair for them to treat you like this. I hope you can find some solace with counseling and with the peace of mind that comes with taking the high road. In the end, they are the people missing out on fuller family life by not including you (even if they don't recognize that).
((Hugs))
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Post by quinlove on May 10, 2022 22:06:36 GMT
Thanks again for all the advice and kindness. My emotions are all over the place. And none include grief. 😬 I’m sure a trust was set up, because there was no will for my dad. The bulk of the money went to 3 house renovations. Like I said, it’s not the money, but the exclusion. Although they are all much better off financially than I am. ( not including their share of inheritance ) I doubt I can do anything about it now. I’m not having much luck finding a reputable therapist. All the *good* ones aren’t taking new patients.
I don’t want to start something with them and lose. That would break me mentally. I always thought that if I wanted to, I could contest her will. But since none was filed for my dad, they will do the same thing now. Thanks again peas. I really needed to hear someone in my corner today. I hate to upset my kids with my pain. ❤️
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Post by Lexica on May 10, 2022 23:10:06 GMT
I am disgusted that your adoptive parents said this to you and that they gave you the impression that you were not good enough to be a real family member. People like that should not have been allowed to adopt. They were substandard parents in my book and their biological children apparently inherited their defective personalities.
I am the middle child of three biological children. My parents treated me good, especially my dad, but both of my siblings have always been very cruel to me, starting in my early childhood. My older sister wanted to be an only child and was angry that Mom and Dad had me. I could write pages of what all they did to me, but I'm over it.
And speaking of inheritance, I learned that my older sister, who was named as executor in Dad's will, had planned to cut me out of the will after Mom died. Mom learned of this after Dad passed and changed her will to make me the executor because she knew she could trust me to do what she wanted.
This made my sisters furious. To retaliate, they refused to give me 1/3 of Mom's ashes to mix with the 1/3 that I had of Dad's ashes. The only thing I wanted from Mom's things was a portion of her ashes and a sweater. Any sweater. I had a sweater from Dad and I put it on when I need to feel close to him and wanted one from Mom too. Knowing that the sweater was the only thing I wanted, my younger sister said she donated all of Mom's clothes and there was no sweater to be had. I do have her bathrobe that she left here, so that will have to do.
As newly appointed executor, I had Mom's will in my possession. It clearly stated that her ashes were to be split evenly between us. I know I could have taken my sisters to court to obtain the ashes, but I decided that I had wonderful memories of my parents and that if my sisters wanted to be petty, so be it. I know my parents would be furious at them, but would understand my desire to let it go. Both sisters have much more money than I have so they could handle a legal battle better than I could. I wasn't going to waste the money my parents left me on legal fees.
I know they attempted to badmouth me to my father multiple times, hoping tu turn him against me. Apparently Dad blew up at them and told them what he thought of me and how proud he was of me. That also infuriated them. I don't know why they were so envious of me. I was a single mom. My ex was a world class ass who put me through hell. I almost lost my son from cancer. I had to work two jobs to stay afloat. My life was so much harder than their lives.
My older sister married a doctor and lives in a beautiful home right on the beach. She has two healthy beautiful children. She wants for nothing. My younger sister lives on 25 acres in the foothills on a beautiful ranch with horses. She has three beautiful children. Both sisters are still married to their original husbands. And both sisters certainly have more material things than I do. I'm fine with that, but they don't seem to feel satisfied with what they have at all. With all they each have, what they want was for me to be miserable. Why?
And as to their hostility about me not doing my share to take care of my parents, after Dad died, I took Mom to live with me because the stairs were no problem for her. And I refused to let her pay any rent! Both sisters had always said that they didn't want Mom to live with them after Dad died. They treated her horribly. I adored Mom and was thrilled to have her live with me. Yes, she had some funny quirky habits, but they didn't bother me like they bothered my sisters. And by that time, I had been injured and was deemed disabled so that I was home full time and could be there to take care of Mom. You would think my sisters would be happy to have Mom off their hands and to finally see me "pulling my share" of the care. Nope.
Apparently Mom spoke very highly of the care I was giving her and the meals I was cooking for her. I guess she commented a few times about how happy she was and how much fun we were having. That just pissed them off and they got jealous of Mom being with me. Sigh. They both started pestering her to come visit them, after years of treating her poorly and wanting her out of their homes.
I did split Mom's money 3 ways as she wanted, but my sisters shared Mom's furniture between themselves in addition to her sweaters. Mom, somehow knowing things would not go well after she died, gave me several beautiful pieces of her jewelry and one of Dad's watches. My older sister hid all three of Dad's watches after he died. Mom found them and gave me one. She had to sneak it out of my sister's house. It makes me laugh to think of my sister's face when she realized what Mom had done.
She claimed everything in her home that was Dad's belonged to her. I said everything that was Dad's was now Mom's. Mom had to sneak things of my father's out of my sister's home. She left a few things here at my home and I cherish them. After the refusal to give me one of Mom's sweaters and split the ashes, I cut both sisters out of my life for good. It just wasn't worth the aggravation. I haven't had one second's regret.
So the point of all my rambling here is that sometimes even being a biological child doesn't assure a person of a welcome and included place in their family or a portion of the inheritance. And your siblings have to know deep down that they are rotten people. I would much rather be you than them. Let them keep what they basically stole from you. You know you are a good person and that is worth more than money. And there is always Karma. I believe you get what you put out into the world. And their future isn't looking so hot based on their actions. You might want to consider going no contact like I did. I can highly recommend it for the guaranteed peace and quiet.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on May 10, 2022 23:15:51 GMT
I truly read your story with tears in my eyes. I’m so sad this happened to you. What awful, awful people they were/are. I don’t know how they live with themselves. But they don’t get to determine your identity or your worth. Remember that. ((((HUGS))))
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Post by epeanymous on May 10, 2022 23:29:16 GMT
I am just so sorry. It’s not about the money, it is about how your family has treated you, and you deserve so much better.
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Jul 8, 2014 16:31:47 GMT
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Post by Loydene on May 10, 2022 23:41:50 GMT
I agree with peabay -- but I often do! As an adopted child you are an heir. If there is no Will from either parent, then you inherit the same as the other children. If there IS a Will, then you must e specifically identified and "cut out". You can still attack such a Will. I understand the leaning to a therapist -- but your money would be more effectively spent with a lawyer (which is not to suggest that therapy isn't important -- I think getting a lawyer, in this case, is more important --- and NOW!)
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Post by quinlove on May 11, 2022 0:06:25 GMT
Thank you peas. I hope that you know how much your kindness means to me. ❤️
I had a lengthy conversation with my son. Fortunately or unfortunately, he knows all about wills and trusts. He himself has made several trusts and one will. He said that his trusts can not be challenged or changed. But, the will could be. So they have done all this without my knowledge and that is that. Again, it truly isn’t or ever was, about the money. It’s the exclusion.
I will keep looking for a therapist to bounce all of this off of. Thank you Lexica, for sharing that. ❤️
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Post by snoopy on May 11, 2022 1:49:23 GMT
I’m so sorry you have been so mistreated by your family. You deserve so much better than that. Your feelings of exclusion are completely valid.
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Post by Skellinton on May 11, 2022 1:55:15 GMT
I am so sorry your family sucks. No one deserves to be treated the way you have been treated.
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on May 11, 2022 1:56:57 GMT
I just want to offer you a hug and I hope you'll be able to find the right therapist to talk to. You deserve to have your story heard and your feelings validated. The Peas have your back!
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Post by quinlove on May 11, 2022 3:01:48 GMT
* because I am 71, and still feel 5 *
I’ve never consciously said that before, it just spilled out. Once I find a therapist - that’s a pretty good place to lead off with.
Be thankful I just back spaced through about 4 emotional paragraphs. I’ve said it a hundred times - I don’t know how else to say it, but thank you for your kindness. I’m trying really hard not to let them have this much power over me. But it’s hard.
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hutchfan
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,157
Jul 6, 2016 16:42:12 GMT
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Post by hutchfan on May 11, 2022 3:23:43 GMT
My heart aches that those words were said and you were treated that way. Sending hugs.
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Post by maryland on May 11, 2022 3:39:48 GMT
So sorry you had to go through this. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. I am so mad at your family for what they put you through. A therapist is a good idea, anyone in your situation would benefit from that. You are every bit a part of that family and deserve the same as the others got. So sorry they treated you that way. You deserve much better. Thinking of you!
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Post by twinks on May 11, 2022 3:56:55 GMT
I have been thinking of your situation since you posted it. My heart hurts for you. I can’t believe parents and siblings can do that to another child/adult. Do you know the circumstances surrounding your adoption? Do you know any of your biological family? I guess it doesn’t matter, they are still awful people.
I know it is another ‘in your face’ thing that you weren’t included in any inheritance. You are completely validated in what you are feeling. Like I said, it is the reminder that you weren’t wanted. Everyone deserves and needs that feeling. I am sorry you don’t feel and aren’t wanted.
Kind of to the inheritance, do you honestly feel that taking them to court or legally contesting the trust/will will have you feel included and wanted? Personally, I don’t think it will make things even a tiny bit better. If you get something, you will always know that you had to fight for it. You will always remember that you were not included and treated like a second class child. I don’t think you would be better off than you are now. Maybe even worse. Then if you find out that you aren’t entitled to anything you could end up worse as well.
I am certainly not saying that you are not entitled to your feelings. But I don’t understand why you are giving these people real estate in your brain. They don’t deserve it. You are a better person than they are. Remember the best revenge is a life well lived. Use them as an example of what and who you don’t want to be. I know it is hard. You have been wronged and are hurting and just want them to hurt as well. I get it. Don’t let them destroy you as a person. Hate, anger and resentment can and will destroy you. Therapy helps. I know it is something that is hard to get right now. Hang in there and keep trying.
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Post by quinlove on May 11, 2022 4:27:41 GMT
Yes, twinks, I agree. My son convinced me that it would not be to my advantage to try and fight the trust/will. I would probably lose - again. And that could really tip me over. Frankly, having a serious in depth talk with my son doesn’t happen very often, as he is quite busy. Anyway, he made me feel loved. So that was a very good thing. I can’t not tell you all how much your replies mean to me.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 11, 2022 5:12:31 GMT
I’m so sorry that has been your experience! No one, especially a child, should have to go through life feeling that way. How awful. Sending huge hugs your way because it sounds like you could use some. I hope karma bites every one of them squarely in the ass for how horribly they have treated you. You deserve so much better.
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Post by beaglemom on May 11, 2022 5:25:45 GMT
I am so sorry for your pain and that your "family" wasn't the family they should have been to you.
My mil's parents were very wealthy. Mil has 3 kids from a single marriage (they just celebrated 50 years. Her brother is on wife #4, has kids with the first 2 wives. Child #1 he adopted with wife #1 when she was an infant then they had bio child #2. Divorced he married wife #2, she already had a child (#3), he adopted, they had child #4 together. The mil/uncle's father died when the grandkids were all 12 and under. Grandmother died when they were all 20-30 years old. When the will was read it came out that adopted child #3 was left out. Everything was eventually (after mil/fil and uncle die) to be split between the 6 grandkids. Child #1 threw a big stink and made sure that her father re-wrote his own will to make sure that once he passes child #3 will be taken care of and has made sure that funds have been distributed to her to make things more even.
Granted the will got "read" to that side of the family. Mil/Fil have not shared any information with our side and have spent more money since grandma died than they spent in the 60+ years before she died. So our side will probably see nothing.
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Post by flanz on May 11, 2022 5:47:34 GMT
quinlove, you are always so kind and thoughtful, one of my favorite peas. It's heartbreaking to learn how you have been treated and I wish I could change it. I think it's a beautiful testament to your strength and inner goodness.... despite that horrific treatment, you grew up to be a wonderful, loving human. Sending lots of love your way!
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MissChris
Full Member
Posts: 370
Jul 14, 2014 0:46:04 GMT
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Post by MissChris on May 11, 2022 6:04:33 GMT
I am so very sorry for the pain you're experiencing from your family. I'm a paralegal for a family law attorney in Arizona and have a fantastic probate/trust attorney in case you'd like to see what your legal options may be.
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nursema
Full Member
Posts: 352
Mar 1, 2022 10:14:32 GMT
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Post by nursema on May 11, 2022 6:08:48 GMT
My heart is breaking for you and what you've been put through your whole life by your "so-called" family. But, you know, in looking at the whole picture, I wonder if you aren't better off now for being treated as you were, as painful as it was and is. Look at the kind of greedy, uncompassionate, soulless, people your siblings turned out to be. They obviously grew to have the same values your parents professed. But you, being treated as an outsider, grew to be the opposite of your siblings, which, I think, is a blessing. If I were you, I would do my best to nurture the good person that you are and try to set aside the hurt your siblings have caused you. As you said, the money isn't the issue here. And in every way that counts you have come out on top. ((((Hugs)))) Thank you for articulating what I was thinking, Sue. (and far more eloquently than I could have!) Quinlove, I hope you feel all of the love and hugs being sent your way. I’m so sorry for the pain you have endured, but certainly didn’t deserve. You are a gem, and are so different from them. ❤️
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Post by auntiepeas on May 11, 2022 7:58:03 GMT
Oh quinlove, I’m so sorry your siblings have hurt you like this.😔
Sending you gentle hugs.💚💚💚
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 8:54:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2022 9:25:14 GMT
I'm so sorry. What you have gone through over so many years is just awful. My Mum was adopted and her parents went on to have two children of their own. Never ever did my Aunt and Uncle make a difference between them. Never has her brother and sister either. They were each given equal standing and shared equally when her parents died.
When you adopt a baby/child whatever their age at adoption is here in the UK, they have equal standing in law as much as any biological children and one can contest a will if they have been left out for no other reason than being an adopted child.
I can't imagine the hurt you must be feeling and I hope you find a therapist that can help you. (((hugs)))
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Post by Really Red on May 11, 2022 9:34:28 GMT
Oh my goodness. You deserved better. So so much more than what you got. How anyone can live with themselves and treat someone like you were treated is beyond me. You have a terrible family. That just truly sucks. Yay for you in coming out strong
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Post by mollycoddle on May 11, 2022 9:45:22 GMT
I’m so sorry. You have been treated horribly, and have every right to feel hurt and even angry. The behavior of your parents and siblings has been inexcusable. I agree with Zee.
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Post by littlemama on May 11, 2022 10:31:11 GMT
What a horrible, horrible group of people. Im so sorry that you have had to deal with them for this long.
If there was no will, the estate should have been divided equally among all of the children. Before you pursue anything, think about what you hope to gain from the process. If it is money, you may end up with some. If it is some sort of relationship with your siblings, is that really what you want? They seem pretty awful as well.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 11, 2022 11:49:48 GMT
It’s stunning to me that not only both parents felt and behaved that way, but for all three siblings to as well? Do none of them have an ounce of love and compassion in them? You’d think as they grew to adulthood, at least one of the siblings would experience something in life that might cause them to think differently. You might honestly be better off without these people in your life.
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Post by mikklynn on May 11, 2022 12:42:40 GMT
quinlove I remember your story from when your father passed. I'm so hurt and angry all over again at the way they treated you. Hold your head high and know that not only did you survive their abuse, and it was abuse, you are a far better person than any of them. I sincerely hope you never have to see any of them again. All my love to you, dear Pea.
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Post by quinlove on May 11, 2022 13:02:45 GMT
Thank you all for relying. No one has ever been mean to my face actually. It was always me feeling like them and me were pretending that I was part of the family. But, always them bringing up the fact that I - was adopted. Thankfully, the 5 yeas old talk gave me a huge sense of self. It’s always been a vivid memory. I never looked at it as devastating, it was a fact and I’ve always been happy of how strong that situation made me.
Last night I went back and reread what I had written in that 2017 thread. I had forgotten a lot of it. My siblings really played their fine tuned parts to the hilt. Apparently got to my mother to exclude me. I can’t change it but my hatred for the 3 of them is intense. There will be no contact from my side, that’s a given. I haven’t decided if I will reply to any text or call, if any at all comes, from them. My mental health has to come first.
Sounds like I’m not really wanted at either memorial for her. One in AZ and a distribution of ashes of both parents in Michigan this summer. I asked my sister about it yesterday. She said it was sometime in July or maybe August ( being very vague and this is unlike her ). We grew up on Lake Huron and they want to throw ( dump was her word ) my parents ashes a little off our old beach. She said one of our cousins has a boat. I asked if it was very big, if we could all fit and she implied, no. To that I said - I know that my son would gladly rent a boat big enough for all of us. My children and grandchildren consider them their grandparents, despite being treated coldly. To that suggestion my sister said - - no, we will stick with our plans. Ok. Don’t just stab me in the heart - stab my kids too. Bit$h !
Thank again peas. ❤️
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,764
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on May 11, 2022 16:18:27 GMT
I’m sorry this has happened to you. Definitely find a therapist to help sort out your feelings.
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