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Post by quinlove on May 10, 2022 17:38:28 GMT
Help please. I asked about these family issues in 2017. I was adopted as an infant, and once they had 3 children of their own, I was the *adopted one*. I was told at age 5 that I was adopted but I could stay until I was 18. This gave me, oddly and thankfully, a good sense of self. Ok. I’ve got to figure this out all on my own.
My father died in 2019. They weren’t rich, but well enough. I never got one thing, nor $ when my dd and I went back for his funeral. We would visit once a year or so. We all acted like I was *pretend* family and everything seemed as it always was. I assumed that everything went to my mother. Never saw a will. Although my brothers both got all his watches and rings. My dd didn’t even get the little, tiny things that she asked for. Someone else was getting them, she was told.
Present time. Since then, my mother has been living with my sister in AZ. She’s been healthy, but age was getting the best of her. She died recently at 96.
Last year, my 3 siblings all did major remolding to their homes. My sister had slipped up before and had told me, that she had told my brother - why don’t the 3 of us just split up the money now. She recently mentioned that so and so is the oldest. This time I spoke up and said - no I’m the oldest. She tried to backtrack and said that was him talking, not me. I instantly sent her and him a copy of our dads obit. I texted - according to this, I’m the oldest. Do I not exist !!??
This exchange affected me horribly. I felt a lot of anxiety over that. A lot. Not depressed, I never have been. But so upset.
So, she has died. I just now called the Probate Court to see about a will for my dad. Thought I would start there. No will ! The oldest son has a living trust. That is what you see when you look up his address. So all the money is probably there.
It’s seriously not about the money. It never is, or shouldn’t be. But I feel so horrible. Like they completely cut me out and there is nothing I could do about it. It’s the sneaky part and the validation - again- that I’m not one of the family. This is causing me mental anguish once again.
They know I’m not in a place where I could afford a big court fight. But, it sure sounds tempting. There is always a paper, electronic trail.
Everyone, friends and my own family told me this would happen. I knew it. But it hurts over and over.
I think I am going to seek out a therapist or someone like that. Because, I am 71 and still feel 5.
Thank you for listening. Any advice is desperately needed. ❤️
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Gennifer
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,003 
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Post by Gennifer on May 10, 2022 17:42:15 GMT
I don’t have helpful advice, but I’m so very sorry you’ve been treated this way. It’s not right, and your feelings are completely valid.
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Post by fotos4u2 on May 10, 2022 17:57:38 GMT
I'm so sorry, that is horrible the way your parents treated you (you're on your own at 18? who says that to their child?) and your siblings still treat you. Obviously, your parents started the problem with acting like you weren't part of the group which truly is horrible.
I somewhat recently found out that I won't receive anything except a small life insurance policy when my mother dies. I'm her only child but her hatred for my now EX-husband led her to basically cut ME out of her will (they did add a provision that as long as I'm single I can always live in their house as long as it's owned by the family--guess I should be grateful that they care that I never be homeless). My children will inherit everything she and her husband (who she married after I was an adult so I don't think of as a father figure, but he's very much my children's grandfather) own. Like you, it isn't about the money. I really could care less about inheriting anything, but it hurts just the same.
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Post by busy on May 10, 2022 18:02:35 GMT
I'm so sorry. I would say that talking to a therapist is a great way to go. You're not reacting to the money, you're reacting to sad, unkind treatment that made you a second-class citizen in your own family.
My dad's father died when my dad was 10 and she remarried when he was 14. So, obviously, he was the only grandfather my brother and I ever knew. My grandfather passed away when I was about 16. We didn't inherit anything, which didn't surprise me because I assumed it all went to my grandmother. But then she passed away when I was 24 and nothing came to my brother or me. It all went to my grandfather's grandchildren from his first wife (he was a widower before marrying my grandmother). It broke my heart. Not because of the money, but because I learned that the only grandfather I knew never thought of me of a "real" grandchild. I was devastated. I was already in therapy and we spent a lot of time on this because it was huge deal for me. I think it could be very helpful for you in your situation.
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luckyjune
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,685
Location: In the rainy, rainy WA
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Post by luckyjune on May 10, 2022 18:04:08 GMT
"I was told at age 5 that I was adopted but I could stay until I was 18."
I can't get past this line.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice, just assurance that you NEVER should have experienced this.
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Post by Zee on May 10, 2022 18:07:06 GMT
I am so sorry for the hurt these people have caused you. My heart hurts for that little girl. 😔
But though I am sure you'd win a court case, I'm not sure that's what would help in the healing and think it would just hurt more.
I think you're on the right track with talking it all over with a therapist. And cutting them out for good. Live the rest of your life as you, head of your own family, not as the overlooked adopted one.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,646
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on May 10, 2022 18:07:44 GMT
I am so angry on your behalf. I'm sorry! Who does that to a child? Can you visit with a lawyer, possibly one who offers a free first visit, to see what fighting them would cost you? When they adopted you, you became eligible to inherit the same as their birthed children. When my father adopted one of his grand kids as a child, he let the rest of us know it would affect inheritance in that way legally, which we already knew since he also adopted my oldest sister. But then they were all about being fair. While I'm sure many will tell you that you should let it go, I'm just bitter enough in my old age that I'd sue them just for spite.
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Post by lucyg on May 10, 2022 18:11:02 GMT
I’m so sorry. It’s not right. You deserve a better, more inclusive family.
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Post by tentoes on May 10, 2022 18:11:28 GMT
I can't even imagine!! We have THREE adopted grandchildren, and as far as I'm concerned, they are as precious as the other 13 that are bio grandchildren!! They have always been treated the same with the same love, and acceptance. I'm so sorry for your experience. ((HUGS))
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Post by quinlove on May 10, 2022 18:13:48 GMT
Thank you all so much for the replies. Yes, luckyjune, I spent my senior year of high school, 1968, looking for husband. I found one who I thought could support me , he was 17 too. But, sadly, because of my huge abandonment issues, let’s say, I endured a lot for too long.
Thank you Zee for the wise words.
I’m sorry if I don’t reply to everyone. Your kind words are helping a lot. It’s just breaking my soul, again. ❤️
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Post by anniefb on May 10, 2022 18:16:23 GMT
I'm so sorry for the horrible way your parents treated you.
If you are considering taking further steps I would at least suggest making an appointment to see a lawyer in your state who is familiar with wills/estates/trusts to see whether there is any legal angle you can pursue and what the costs might be. For example, here in New Zealand there is a piece of legislation called the Family Protection Act which requires people to make adequate provision in a will for certain close family members they have a moral obligation to provide for - spouse/partner, children, grandchildren living at the time of death etc. A claim can be made under the Act if a family member considers that they haven't been adequately provided for either in a will or in intestacy if no will was left.
I would at least want to know what my rights were and the pros and cons of taking action.
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Post by jenjie on May 10, 2022 18:17:43 GMT
You are worthy of a real family. I’m so sorry they were not a real family to you.
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Post by peasapie on May 10, 2022 18:29:06 GMT
I’m angry for you and the way you’ve been treated. I hope speaking with us, with friends, with a therapist — will give you some clarity. Legal action is tempting but could be more pain and anguish for you, so that’s something you may or may not want to pursue, as I’m sure you know. It’s just astonishing that family can be so callous when it comes to issues of money. I’m thinking of you.
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Post by fiddlesticks on May 10, 2022 18:40:00 GMT
As an adopted child, I feel this in my soul. I am so sorry. I don't think people realize the trauma that is associated with adoption. I hope you can find some peace.
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Post by wallyagain on May 10, 2022 18:44:21 GMT
I am so sorry, no one should be made to feel the way you do. What kind of family does that?
I have now words, just big hugs.
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Post by quinlove on May 10, 2022 18:58:11 GMT
Your kindness is helping me feel so not all alone. Thank you for that. ❤️
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,613
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on May 10, 2022 18:58:11 GMT
Well, if you can do both, I'd find a therapist and a lawyer. Fuck them and sue them, the jerks. Work out the anger in therapy but get the money too, if you can.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 3:11:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2022 19:06:51 GMT
My heart hurts for you. You deserve so much better.
In GA (and all states are different) if there was ever a will, you would’ve had to sign off on the probate of that will as an heir. (Even if you were left nothing) There is a difference between heir and beneficiary.
If there was a trust, there’s really no oversight since it does not go through the probate court. It’s up to the trustee to distribute the estate according to the trust. If you were in the trust I suppose you could get an attorney, but that’s going to be costly both in dollars and emotions.
Just because brother has a living trust doesn’t mean that’s where all the money is. I’ve got a living trust and there’s no tie at all to anyone else’s money or estate.
Knowing that siblings all had renovations done it sure looks as if they split the estate between the 3 of them. But knowing there wasn’t a large sum of money, it’s an expensive fight.
Knowing you and your daughter got nothing especially asked for is just shitty. Honestly those greedy fuks will someday pay for what they’ve done to you. You can look in the mirror and know you didn’t fuck anyone over for what you have.
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Post by originalvanillabean on May 10, 2022 19:58:24 GMT
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine that kind of hurt.
No advice but so so many (((HUGS))).
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Post by librarylady on May 10, 2022 20:06:15 GMT
"I was told at age 5 that I was adopted but I could stay until I was 18." I can't get past this line. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice, just assurance that you NEVER should have experienced this. I agree with this. Anyone who would say that, or treat a child this way has no business playing the role of a parent, because that surely is NOT how any parent would act.
I am sorry that you had to be in the home with such a heartless group of people.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on May 10, 2022 20:11:47 GMT
What a horrible thing to do and say to a child. I’m sure that cut to the core. I can’t imagine how hard it is to find out at 5 that you’ve been replaced by bio children. WTF does that? I think therapy is the way to go. These people don’t deserve your love.
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Post by chlerbie on May 10, 2022 20:13:54 GMT
That's all just horrible and I'm so sorry that you've been hurt in this way.
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Post by Layce on May 10, 2022 20:28:18 GMT
Based on something a friend of mine experienced some years ago, I think you should visit a lawyer and file a claim for your portion of the estate. Long story short, your so-called siblings could be prevailed upon to offer you a settlement to make you go away. You are a legal heir, you DO exist, and you are entitled to an inheritance as well. I doubt you would get into a long, drawn-out fight.. the Law's the Law. Good luck. Remember, WE care about you and WE are extended family to you and we will be rooting for you  Layce |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 3:11:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2022 20:41:56 GMT
Based on something a friend of mine experienced some years ago, I think you should visit a lawyer and file a claim for your portion of the estate. Long story short, your so-called siblings could be prevailed upon to offer you a settlement to make you go away. You are a legal heir, you DO exist, and you are entitled to an inheritance as well. I doubt you would get into a long, drawn-out fight.. the Law's the Law. Good luck. Remember, WE care about you and WE are extended family to you and we will be rooting for you Layce Not even an heir is “entitled to an inheritance”. |
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Post by stingfan on May 10, 2022 20:47:13 GMT
This whole thing is just awful. I'm so sorry.
Have you ever known who your bio-family is? I'm just wondering if there's any opportunity there for you to form some family bonds that your adoptive family never allowed you to have.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on May 10, 2022 20:52:48 GMT
If there was no will ALL children are entitled to an equal share of the estate in most cases.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 10, 2022 21:00:25 GMT
I'm sorry you are dealing with that. My mother recently passed (my father has been gone awhile). My 4 siblings and I are all full blood siblings but they still make me feel like I'm 5. (I'm the youngest). It's very hard.
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Sue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,234
Location: SE of Portland, Oregon
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Post by Sue on May 10, 2022 21:07:50 GMT
My heart is breaking for you and what you've been put through your whole life by your "so-called" family. But, you know, in looking at the whole picture, I wonder if you aren't better off now for being treated as you were, as painful as it was and is. Look at the kind of greedy, uncompassionate, soulless, people your siblings turned out to be. They obviously grew to have the same values your parents professed. But you, being treated as an outsider, grew to be the opposite of your siblings, which, I think, is a blessing. If I were you, I would do my best to nurture the good person that you are and try to set aside the hurt your siblings have caused you. As you said, the money isn't the issue here. And in every way that counts you have come out on top. ((((Hugs))))
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Post by lisae on May 10, 2022 21:17:08 GMT
I'm very sorry.
As for the money, a trust is just a document. The trust has to be funded so your parents money had to in accounts that said "so and so Trust dated mm/dd/yy" of when the trust was established. People often create trusts and then don't fund them. If all of the money isn't in the trust, it will likely have beneficiaries on the accounts. The beneficiaries would determine where the money goes.
Also, if there is property, it may or may not be listed as owned by a trust. If not in a trust, it will become part of the estate. And if you were legally adopted, it seems to me you should get your share.
I do not know what happens when someone dies without a will. I assume the probate court will name an executor. Even if there is a trust and all the money is in there, there will be final taxes and other details to see to so someone has to be the executor.
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Post by mom on May 10, 2022 21:20:21 GMT
I am so sorry your family has treated you this way. Please know that you can count on us Peas to be your family, if you'd like. I do think a therapist would be a great place to start working through your pain.
About the inheritance: this is tough. When your father passed away, most likely everything went to your mother to use as she wishes (or to give away his belongings as she wished). Now that she has passed away, you need to find out if she had a will. Just because there is a living trust does not mean that it is tied to your fathers estate. Your brother could have set that living trust up for himself/his kids. I think you could be assuming things that might not be true re: the living trust.
If you really want to follow up on this (without a lawyer), I would start with whether or not your mom had a will and go from there. Its possible she had no will + no money left from the estate. I suspect she gave the money away ahead of time, but that is just my opinion. If that is the case, then there isn't much you can do about it. It was her money to give away or use. Now if she did have a will, then yes. You need to see what it says specifically and go from there. Whoever is in charge of the estate should give you a copy of the will. But whatever outstanding bills/taxes/etc will have to be paid out before anyone named in the will gets a penny.
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