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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 2, 2022 18:28:06 GMT
If you decided to that you were not going to attend Christmas celebrations with your extended family this holiday season how would you go about telling them?
I've already made my decision not to attend. I know they are going to want to know why and I'm torn between saying what is on my mind and telling them the reasons why I'm not participating. In some ways, I feel like it might be a relief to me to finally get to say what is on my mind. On the other hand, I really, really don't want to hear any explanation or apology from them. I also don't want them to think they have a chance to convince me otherwise. I want to have Christmas at home with my husband and our children. The only people I'm on the fence about is Jeremy's family. I cannot decide if I should just draw one line for everyone or if I need to make an exception for them because they have not done anything to merit a restriction.
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 2, 2022 18:36:25 GMT
In your case, I'd go with no is a complete sentence. You have every reason in the world to want to have Christmas at home with your family. Why not choose yourself this Christmas and see how you feel about adding back Jeremy's family next year?
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Post by mom on Nov 2, 2022 18:37:42 GMT
If you decided to that you were not going to attend Christmas celebrations with your extended family this holiday season how would you go about telling them? I've already made my decision not to attend. I know they are going to want to know why and I'm torn between saying what is on my mind and telling them the reasons why I'm not participating. In some ways, I feel like it might be a relief to me to finally get to say what is on my mind. On the other hand, I really, really don't want to hear any explanation or apology from them. I also don't want them to think they have a chance to convince me otherwise. I want to have Christmas at home with my husband and our children. The only people I'm on the fence about is Jeremy's family. I cannot decide if I should just draw one line for everyone or if I need to make an exception for them because they have not done anything to merit a restriction. I would say exactly that. If you give them more of a response, they will try to change your mind. So I would just repeat that statement, over and over. re: Jeremeys family -- it isn't punishing them if you need a break from it all (even if they've done nothing wrong) after the year you've had. Perhaps you can see them before or after the holiday, but tell them you love them, but just need some space. |
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anaterra
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Post by anaterra on Nov 2, 2022 18:41:16 GMT
Id give an explanation... i know in my mind that no is a complete sentence... but i am also guilty of being told no and then asking why..
For me it would be easier to just say im not feeling it this year.. its fresh.. i am in pain and longing for a drama free zone... so no i am not coming to see you and no you are not invited to see me...
It wont be easy... you have to do have whats good for you...
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Post by tenacious on Nov 2, 2022 18:43:26 GMT
Word for word what mom said above.
I hope you have a peaceful holiday season with your family.
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PLurker
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Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Nov 2, 2022 18:46:10 GMT
ditto what mom said. More than a one word "no" with as complete an explanation needed or should be expected. ((hugs)) |
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Post by eventhinker on Nov 2, 2022 18:55:57 GMT
I haven’t read any replies, so I may be repeating.
you have been through a ton of stuff this past year or so. You owe NO ONE your attendance anywhere. What you can say is, given my life right now, I am choosing to keep my circle small this year, maybe we can get together another time?
last year was my first holiday without my husband. I chose to attend Christmas Eve with his family, and it went well, but there was a lot of talk about him…understandable. They have had a better year than I have this year, and because they miss him differently, when I go on Thanksgiving, I expect more of the talking. I told my oldest son, I wish that I could be with them, and not have to think of the loss. So we are spending Christmas alone this year.
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Post by Laurie on Nov 2, 2022 19:00:51 GMT
I would hope everyone would be understanding and not push you.
About 5 years ago dh and I decided that we were no longer spending Christmas Day going to family. We were waking the girls up early, rushing them through opening presents so we could get on the road to do Christmas on dh's side. Plus it seemed a bit cruel for them to open their presents and being excited to play with them only to be told there wasn't time because we need to get ready to go. We told his family that we were going to start spending Christmas Day as a family and enjoy the moment with our daughters. If they wanted to have it a different weekend we would be there. If they still wanted it on Christmas Day we told them we understand but we will not be in attendance. It was a mixed response but we stood our ground and haven't regretted it.
I really enjoy watching the girls open their presents, having family breakfast and dinner and lounging around all day watching them with their new stuff and watching Christmas movies. This will be a tough holiday for you and it is important for you to do what is best for you and your family. You shouldn't be expected to go and have to suppress your emotions to make your extended family happy. They also shouldn't expect that out of you and understand why you need to be home.
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Anita
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Post by Anita on Nov 2, 2022 19:04:48 GMT
After the year you have been through, you don't owe anyone a damn thing. I hope you have a quiet, peaceful Christmas at home with people you want around you.
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Post by bc2ca on Nov 2, 2022 19:15:14 GMT
If you decided to that you were not going to attend Christmas celebrations with your extended family this holiday season how would you go about telling them? I've already made my decision not to attend. I know they are going to want to know why and I'm torn between saying what is on my mind and telling them the reasons why I'm not participating. In some ways, I feel like it might be a relief to me to finally get to say what is on my mind. On the other hand, I really, really don't want to hear any explanation or apology from them. I also don't want them to think they have a chance to convince me otherwise. I want to have Christmas at home with my husband and our children. The only people I'm on the fence about is Jeremy's family. I cannot decide if I should just draw one line for everyone or if I need to make an exception for them because they have not done anything to merit a restriction. I would say exactly that. If you give them more of a response, they will try to change your mind. So I would just repeat that statement, over and over. re: Jeremeys family -- it isn't punishing them if you need a break from it all (even if they've done nothing wrong) after the year you've had. Perhaps you can see them before or after the holiday, but tell them you love them, but just need some space. I lean to just saying no, but really think the bolded is the simple, perfect explanation that can go with the no. Nothing more needs to be added. My in-laws tradition is to have a Big Fat Greek Christmas at a cousin's house. It is a huge sit down dinner and dancing for 80+ people. My FIL died in September and there was no way MIL or DH were going to be celebrating at the BFGC, so we hosted DH's family for a much quieter meal. The amount of coercion, guilting, begging, huffing and puffing that happened was awful.  |
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scrappinwithoutpeas
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Post by scrappinwithoutpeas on Nov 2, 2022 19:17:58 GMT
I am another one that agrees with stating things exactly as you said to us, like mom says above. I actually came here to say the same thing, and then saw her reply. It's perfect as is. " I want to have Christmas at home with my husband and our children." Repeat as necessary. |
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Post by Jamie on Nov 2, 2022 19:36:09 GMT
2 years ago we were prepared to inform my husbands family that we wouldn't be attending Christmas Eve anymore, and exactly why. Something else happened in October that year that made us not to have to as we no longer have any form of contact with them. But we were at the point that we had had enough after 20 years and didn't care what they thought.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 2, 2022 19:37:43 GMT
re: Jeremeys family -- it isn't punishing them if you need a break from it all (even if they've done nothing wrong) after the year you've had. Perhaps you can see them before or after the holiday, but tell them you love them, but just need some space. You know what? I just shared all this with Jeremy and he said he thinks his family would be fine with it. He said he has no problem drawing the line with them this year. (His mom is so much like him, she's very easy to get along with.) last year was my first holiday without my husband. I chose to attend Christmas Eve with his family, and it went well, but there was a lot of talk about him…understandable. They have had a better year than I have this year, and because they miss him differently, when I go on Thanksgiving, I expect more of the talking. I told my oldest son, I wish that I could be with them, and not have to think of the loss. So we are spending Christmas alone this year. I'm sorry for your loss. This is part of it, too. And part of it is that I have limited emotional energy to expend. The amount of coercion, guilting, begging, huffing and puffing that happened was awful. This is exactly what I'm afraid of. My family is very used to me just going with the program. |
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scrapngranny
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Post by scrapngranny on Nov 2, 2022 19:39:00 GMT
I would probably say something along the lines of, We have decided to celebrate the Holidays quietly at home this year with just our family.
They know this hasn’t been a great year for you and should understand your desire to celebrate Christmas the way you want. Any questions or comments after that go into the No is a complete sentence file.
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Post by workingclassdog on Nov 2, 2022 19:39:26 GMT
I would just say no, have other plans.
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Post by Merge on Nov 2, 2022 19:43:08 GMT
I think you’ve gotten great advice above. Offering a reason opens you up not only to them trying to talk you out if it, but also to diatribes about why your reasons are wrong and invalid.
I hope you have a peaceful holiday.
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Post by tc on Nov 2, 2022 19:48:18 GMT
You've gotten a lot of great advice. I'll just share a partial cautionary tale. My father passed away the last day of August 17 years ago. I can't remember the exact details why, but it turned out it was just my mother and me on our own for Thanksgiving that year. My sisters must have had plans. For some reason we agreed to go to my mother's sister's (my aunt's) Mother-In-Law's for Thanksgiving. Because everyone kept telling us, "You shouldn't be alone!" We went. It was dreadful. I wish we had just held firm and said, "Thank you for your offer, but we're just going to take time for ourselves."
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Post by epeanymous on Nov 2, 2022 19:59:55 GMT
Yes, in your case, I'd just say no. For goodness sakes, they know why, and if they don't, they definitely do not need an explanation.
I stopped traveling for any holidays when we had the twins twelve years ago. I had spent eight years hauling the two older kids everywhere, staying in hotel rooms and spare rooms, flying on crowded planes in terrible weather and fighting holiday road traffic, all to have holidays that half the time had one family fight or another brewing and required my kids to perform for people they barely knew so those people could have the holidays they wanted. Not doing any of that again, ever, until my kids are grown.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 2, 2022 20:03:46 GMT
I would just say no, have other plans. I don't though. I plan to spend Christmas eve with my kids and husband. But the week before is my mom's and dad is Christmas day and the week before for Jeremy's family and then cookie baking two weeks before. I want out of all of that except for my Christmas eve with the kids. So I can't say I have other plans because on those days I don't have other plans. I just don't want to go. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 2, 2022 20:06:12 GMT
Yes, in your case, I'd just say no. For goodness sakes, they know why, and if they don't, they definitely do not need an explanation. I stopped traveling for any holidays when we had the twins twelve years ago. I had spent eight years hauling the two older kids everywhere, staying in hotel rooms and spare rooms, flying on crowded planes in terrible weather and fighting holiday road traffic, all to have holidays that half the time had one family fight or another brewing and required my kids to perform for people they barely knew so those people could have the holidays they wanted. Not doing any of that again, ever, until my kids are grown. You said exactly how I feel. If I went I'd be having the holidays other people want. |
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Bridget in MD
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Post by Bridget in MD on Nov 2, 2022 20:07:50 GMT
Ditto what mom said above! I want to have Christmas at home with my husband and our children. That is really ALL you have to say.
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Post by beaglemom on Nov 2, 2022 20:09:28 GMT
I would just say no, have other plans. I don't though. I plan to spend Christmas eve with my kids and husband. But the week before is my mom's and dad is Christmas day and the week before for Jeremy's family and then cookie baking two weeks before. I want out of all of that except for my Christmas eve with the kids. So I can't say I have other plans because on those days I don't have other plans. I just don't want to go. But you do have other plans. Those plans are at your house with your family. You don't own them any explanation or justification of what your "plans" are. Your plan is to NOT be with them. Sending lots of hugs and support. |
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Post by mom on Nov 2, 2022 20:09:54 GMT
I would just say no, have other plans. I don't though. I plan to spend Christmas eve with my kids and husband. But the week before is my mom's and dad is Christmas day and the week before for Jeremy's family and then cookie baking two weeks before. I want out of all of that except for my Christmas eve with the kids. So I can't say I have other plans because on those days I don't have other plans. I just don't want to go. Well, technically you do have other plans. Those plans involve staying home and doing whatever you want. Just because they have plans and invited you does not mean you have to give up what you want to do just so they get what they want. |
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Post by gar on Nov 2, 2022 20:22:56 GMT
If you decided to that you were not going to attend Christmas celebrations with your extended family this holiday season how would you go about telling them? I've already made my decision not to attend. I know they are going to want to know why and I'm torn between saying what is on my mind and telling them the reasons why I'm not participating. In some ways, I feel like it might be a relief to me to finally get to say what is on my mind. On the other hand, I really, really don't want to hear any explanation or apology from them. I also don't want them to think they have a chance to convince me otherwise. I want to have Christmas at home with my husband and our children. The only people I'm on the fence about is Jeremy's family. I cannot decide if I should just draw one line for everyone or if I need to make an exception for them because they have not done anything to merit a restriction. I would say exactly that. If you give them more of a response, they will try to change your mind. So I would just repeat that statement, over and over. re: Jeremeys family -- it isn't punishing them if you need a break from it all (even if they've done nothing wrong) after the year you've had. Perhaps you can see them before or after the holiday, but tell them you love them, but just need some space. This is spot on, imo. No is a complete sentence but can also be unnecessarily blunt sometimes so I like the idea of just offering a minimal reason which I would hope no one, given what you've been through, would argue. |
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Nov 2, 2022 20:29:40 GMT
“Sorry, it won’t work for us this year”
“We have plans”
“Planning a quiet season”
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Post by disneypal on Nov 2, 2022 20:29:50 GMT
I would just tell them as you said here "I won't be attending...our family is going to celebrate Christmas at home together this year"
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kate
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Post by kate on Nov 2, 2022 20:45:40 GMT
I want to have Christmas at home with my husband and our children. I came on to say that the above is perfect, but now that I've read your explanation that it's *other* days (not just Dec. 24th/25th) that people are asking for, I think you can say, "We're planning a quiet holiday season at home this year." I don't think anyone should question that. My family, too, will have a permanently empty seat at the table this Christmas. I'm sorry for all who are grieving. |
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Post by mcjunkin on Nov 2, 2022 20:48:42 GMT
So I can't say I have other plans because on those days I don't have other plans. I just don't want to go. But you DO have plans. You have plans to give yourself some space, and take care of YOU. You absolutely have plans on how you want to spend your holiday. Self-care and celebrating quietly in solitude IS A PLAN. |
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Post by manda on Nov 2, 2022 20:57:49 GMT
You said in your OP, “I want to have Christmas at home with my husband and our children.”
Tell them that. Just keep it simple.
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Post by papersilly on Nov 2, 2022 21:02:19 GMT
i'm slowing starting to learn that NO is sufficient and a sentence in and of itself.
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