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Post by tangtastesgood on Feb 9, 2023 17:31:32 GMT
To attempt to spy on your husband to see if they could find evidence of him cheating?
Details. Child is 21F, does not live with parents, mother is out of state at beach home, this is step father, home is one child lived at only in transition between homes, child cannot drive/has no transportation. Mother lived with/ was married to step since 2011.
I have extremely strong feelings about this request but wanted outside perspective.
This was a text request of said child.
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Post by busy on Feb 9, 2023 17:33:50 GMT
That's disgusting. Absolutely not. Not under these or any other circumstances. Ever.
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sueg
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,052
Location: Munich
Member is Online
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Post by sueg on Feb 9, 2023 17:35:04 GMT
No. Completely inappropriate, even when it is not the child's father. If you really want evidence of cheating, hire a private detective.
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Post by rainangel on Feb 9, 2023 17:35:30 GMT
No. Hell no.
I would never involve children, adult or not, into a (potential) conflict between parents. Even if it's a step-parent, he has been in child's life and probably acted as a parent for over decade.
If it was asking for help from adult child to arrange a surprise birthdayparty or something, sure. But not a conflict.
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Post by littlemama on Feb 9, 2023 17:39:22 GMT
No, of course not.
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iowgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,134 
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Post by iowgirl on Feb 9, 2023 17:39:34 GMT
To attempt to spy on your husband to see if they could find evidence of him cheating? Absolutely NO! |
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Post by tangtastesgood on Feb 9, 2023 17:40:42 GMT
I thought I was having a normal reaction to this, but it's nice to see others be aghast as well. I mean, wow.
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Post by ~summer~ on Feb 9, 2023 17:43:28 GMT
Ummm I think this will be one of those situations where peas are completely aligned.
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Post by tinydogmafia on Feb 9, 2023 17:47:54 GMT
Absolutely not.
What a burden for her.
Her mother should hire a PI if that's what she needs. How/why would you put your (Adult or any age) child in such a terrible position?
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Post by Tearisci on Feb 9, 2023 17:49:53 GMT
Big. Fat. NO.
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Post by gillyp on Feb 9, 2023 18:06:02 GMT
No. No. No. Definitely not something the child should be asked to do. The age of the child doesn't come into it, it's wrong on any level.
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Post by epeanymous on Feb 9, 2023 18:17:10 GMT
Yikes no. My mother called me in 1992 when I was in college and 3000 miles from home to tell me that she was going to leave my father, that I could not tell him, and that she expected me to be on her side. She didn't go through with it, but/and I really did not appreciate being put in the middle of their marital issues, and think that is a really unfair ask.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,544
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Post by Just T on Feb 9, 2023 18:25:35 GMT
Absolutely NOT. I sometimes feel bad for the things my kids know about their dad, my stbx.  I never ever bring anything up about the divorce or what he is doing unless they ask. However, this will sound terrible, but one of the things that got me to start looking into what he was doing was my daughter who had been looking for things herself long before I knew anything was amiss. She was suspicious of him, and she is the one who found out some things in the beginning that caused me to look into what he was doing. I still hate that it happened that way, but I had nothing to do with it. Even now, when my kids all know the shitty things he has done and continues to do, I do not ever want to come between them. Now, he has done some things that affect them, and they get pissed off about it, but that is between him and them. I will never ever ask them to take sides or look for more dirt on him. Never never ever. |
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Post by Lexica on Feb 9, 2023 18:35:26 GMT
Absolutely not. Not under any circumstances. But if I were to be giving advice to the mother doing the asking, I would tell her that if you feel the need to spy on your husband, it is time to either end the marriage or get into counseling to try to save it.
I was engaged to a man and started having suspicions about him cheating. When he was gone for the weekend, I went to his desk (he was living with me in my home) and looked at his phone bill, which was sitting on top of the desk. He had been acting oddly about his phone. Immediately a number seemed to jump off the page at me. I have no idea why. I wrote down that number and the following day, I dialed it. It was the voicemail of his previous girlfriend who he had commented he hadn’t talked to in years. I hadn’t asked abut her at all and found his offering that bit of information up quite odd.
I had never spied on anyone in my life before and having done this really tore me up, even though it answered the question for me. I promised myself that if I were ever in a relationship where I felt the need to spy, it was time to get out. It meant that all trust was already gone and I cannot be in a relationship where there is no trust. Regardless of whether there was actual cheating going on, it meant the relationship had deteriorated too far already.
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Post by tangtastesgood on Feb 9, 2023 18:39:56 GMT
The most ridiculous thing about this to me is the issue that the mother in question has a "glass houses"/karmic redemption thing going on.
In very clear terms, she cheated on her former husband with her current husband.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,769
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Feb 9, 2023 18:41:56 GMT
My friend's ex used one of their young teenagers as a sounding board for his cheating and plans to leave the marriage. The impact of keeping secrets and lying to her mum has taken years to straighten out and is still a work in progress. If I never see him again it will be too soon.
So, I guess I have very strong feelings about involving children, of any age, in your marriage problems.
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Post by tangtastesgood on Feb 9, 2023 18:47:50 GMT
So, I guess I have very strong feelings about involving children, of any age, in your marriage problems. Amen. |
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,032
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Post by scrappyesq on Feb 9, 2023 18:49:26 GMT
Absolutely not. Their age doesn’t matter. The parent child relationship is so different from the parent/parent relationship. The feelings of love and attachment don’t even compare between the two. I don’t understand people who don’t get that and respect it.
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Post by Marina on Feb 9, 2023 18:50:21 GMT
Absolutely not.
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Post by workingclassdog on Feb 9, 2023 18:52:45 GMT
Absolutely not.
Maybe a friend.. but never never a child no matter how old.
My dad did this to my sister and I. He literally took us to my mom's work and made us spy on her..(with him). It was disgusting what he did.
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,538
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Post by pinklady on Feb 9, 2023 19:00:41 GMT
No fucking way and I'd tell the mother she was a vile human being for even entertaining the thought of using her child that way!
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SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,612
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Feb 9, 2023 19:17:32 GMT
Absolutely NOT!
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Post by scrapmaven on Feb 9, 2023 19:17:51 GMT
I would never put my adult child in the middle of my relationship. No matter how old my kids are, it is not their job to be pitted against a particular parent. Never put children in the middle, even if they're adults. This is such a psychologically damaging thing to do.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Feb 9, 2023 19:23:09 GMT
Absolutely not.
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Post by femalebusiness on Feb 9, 2023 19:30:38 GMT
The woman is a pig. Disgusting!
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Feb 9, 2023 19:34:18 GMT
This would not ever cross mind. It is so grossly inappropriate and abusive.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 9, 2023 19:37:32 GMT
Nope. I wouldn’t want to put my kid in the middle of any part of that.
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Post by tampascrapper on Feb 9, 2023 19:55:38 GMT
No I wouldn’t involve the child no matter their age.
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Post by hop2 on Feb 9, 2023 21:02:46 GMT
HELL NO! That is an abusive move imo
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Post by gizzy on Feb 9, 2023 21:08:44 GMT
No I wouldn't. That's not something I want my child put through or involved in.
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I never ever bring anything up about the divorce or what he is doing unless they ask. However, this will sound terrible, but one of the things that got me to start looking into what he was doing was my daughter who had been looking for things herself long before I knew anything was amiss. She was suspicious of him, and she is the one who found out some things in the beginning that caused me to look into what he was doing. I still hate that it happened that way, but I had nothing to do with it. 
