bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on May 9, 2023 1:52:42 GMT
Update 5/15:
Both spots are benign! I was so happy with the doctor I couldn't speak for a minute.
We met with a new to us Urologist for the results and he was delightful and of course happy to give us good news. His comment was I have my nurse call with results as soon as we know them. He did not know why we were asked to wait to come in.
Super nice guy, and DH already has a follow up with him next year as according to the doctor the prostate numbers that concern the GP are going to be a regular thing with DH as he gets older.
I am relieved and reflective now that we have answers. This was truly the first time we have had to deal with big uncertain medical news, and we process it so differently.
I also want to thank you all for sharing your stories and your kind thoughts/prayers. I feel like a load has been lifted off of both of us.
OP---------------------------------
This may turn into a bit of a ramble. I am at my wits end with DH.
At the end of April (a little over a week ago now) he had to have a biopsy done on his prostate. the short version is they found 2 places that *Could* be cancer, could be the magic that is him. Hence the biopsy.
We have yet to hear from the doctor, both his urologist and the one who did the biopsy itself. He called Friday and today leaving messages both times. At this point, I'm fine if they don't have the tests back but do us the courtesy of a call to tell me that.
Meanwhile he's basically planning the summer as if he will need to have his prostate removed. We have a school trip to Italy planned for both him and DS this summer and he's acting as if he won't be able to go due to the surgery. The surgery he may NOT NEED. heck even if he does need it there's no guarantee they can do it until after the trip. These are questions to be asked once we get answers. Answers we don't have at the moment.
In addition to this, he's become snappy and angry at all of us, and especially me as I'm over here going why are you planning for the worst case scenario yet not even giving a thought to hoping for the best? I've been pushing back gently as I know this is coming from a place of fear for him, it's also very close to how my mom would behave when anything medical would come up. Her belief was if she knew the worst that could happen then she could be prepared. The problem with that is you wind up living in crisis 24/7 while you wait and that's not a healthy place to be.
All that to say, please keep both of us in whatever form of prayer works for you. I'm honestly more frustrated at the lack of communication more than anything else. T
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Post by librarylady on May 9, 2023 2:14:35 GMT
My DH selected radiation rather than surgery.
If he decides that, and his type is not aggressive, he can still make the trip.
Your DH is probably preparing for the worst and hoping it will be less and then he will be very grateful.
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Post by Lexica on May 9, 2023 2:15:09 GMT
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I can absolutely see why your husband is acting as he is. He has been told he may have cancer and on top of that it is near his genitals, which for a man is probably the worse location. He also grew up watching his mother go right to the worse case scenario, so it is probably automatic for him since it has been modeled for him all his life. I would just let him deal with it in any way he needs to right now. Just keep reassuring him that you are there for him. I will keep you in my thoughts.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on May 9, 2023 3:04:34 GMT
Give him time. Your DH has had traumatic news in his most sensitive area for a male.
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Post by vjlau on May 9, 2023 3:58:41 GMT
I've been given that type of news before (not my prostate though!). I can absolutely understand your frustration, but I definitely feel his.
When you get that type of news, even a possibility, there's a bit of an inward bargaining conversation you have with yourself/with God. On top of that anxiety, some regrets. It's very much a time where I became both selfish about my needs over others, looking at worst cases, wondering if you had gone earlier, stress related, guilt ridden. I wanted to constantly have things to distract me, but also be by myself.
For me, once I got the diagnosis (which for me was the bad case) I shaped up and dealt with it. The fear of the unknown is really stressful.
If you can, I'd give him space, get some treats he likes, plan an activity that can take your minds off of it - ie, not a dinner where you sit and talk.I remember we went cherry picking and it was fun!
He will come around. Hugs are good!
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 9, 2023 14:42:21 GMT
Sending good thoughts your way, for both of you.
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pantsonfire
Pearl Clutcher
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
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Post by pantsonfire on May 9, 2023 14:47:40 GMT
Sending lots of good vibes for you both. I feel for your dh. Before my breast biopsy results, I was angry and sad and frustrated and scared. So I totally get what your dh is feeling. He is human after all and it can be a lot to process especially with previous trauma.
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Post by KikiPea on May 9, 2023 15:08:26 GMT
I’m sorry. I know it’s frustrating. I actually think a little like your DH. I just had reduction surgery 4.5 weeks ago, and I have found a spot of concern that I have to have an “emergency“ appointment to have it looked at today.
All I can think about is what it could be, and what they may have to do to it. My DH has a huge bday trip planned (and pd for) coming up soon, and then just a few short weeks later, we have a big bday trip planned for me. I can’t shake the thought that at least one of those trips may be ruined. I can’t do that to DH. It’s literally a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I can’t kill that.
So, I understand. I also understand your side of it because my DH is like you. Sometimes he’ll say something, and I’d be like, “until you have a surgery like this, you can’t tell me how I should feel.”
I do feel for you being on the other side of it. It’s hard to grasp what that person could be feeling. So, I will lift you and your DH in prayer, and send big hugs to you. I pray that all will be well.
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on May 9, 2023 15:17:59 GMT
I have found a spot of concern that I have to have an “emergency“ appointment to have it looked at today. I saw your update in your post. Fingers crossed that it's not serious. until you have a surgery like this, you can’t tell me how I should feel.” You're completely right. and I have been giving him space. it's when he starts planning and involving others so we can "execute" the worst case scenario that I go this is too far. I know he's afraid, I'm afraid too, especially if he will need the surgery as I know the mental/emotional cost of the recovery are going to be significant. At this point I'm ready to call the office and say just call us back, please! |
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 9, 2023 15:26:02 GMT
I'm sorry you're frustrated - truly. But as a planner and a pessimist, I'm right there with your husband. Last summer we had a medical issue crop up right before a big trip and I had Plan B and Plan C fully developed and ready to execute well before we received news on whether further treatment would be necessary. I know some like to hope for the best and wait until bad news is confirmed, I'm just not built that way. I hope you get news soon and the biopsy was clear!
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Post by epeanymous on May 9, 2023 16:04:33 GMT
I've been given that type of news before (not my prostate though!). I can absolutely understand your frustration, but I definitely feel his. When you get that type of news, even a possibility, there's a bit of an inward bargaining conversation you have with yourself/with God. On top of that anxiety, some regrets. It's very much a time where I became both selfish about my needs over others, looking at worst cases, wondering if you had gone earlier, stress related, guilt ridden. I wanted to constantly have things to distract me, but also be by myself. For me, once I got the diagnosis (which for me was the bad case) I shaped up and dealt with it. The fear of the unknown is really stressful. If you can, I'd give him space, get some treats he likes, plan an activity that can take your minds off of it - ie, not a dinner where you sit and talk.I remember we went cherry picking and it was fun! He will come around. Hugs are good! I think that's right. When I had a breast cancer scare last winter, I said some "assuming I'm able to do that" about some trips and future obligations -- in my head, the bargaining I was doing was that if I didn't act like of course I would be fine, I would . . . be fine, because I would have taken it seriously and acknowledged the worst-case scenario. |
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TXMary
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And so many nights I just dream of the ocean. God, I wish I was sailin' again.
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Post by TXMary on May 9, 2023 16:10:30 GMT
I have been in both of your shoes. I have been the one waiting on biopsy results. Mine was cancer. And I have been the supportive spouse while waiting on DH's biopsy results. His was also cancer. It sucks. It's not easy on either side but I feel most for your DH because I know what he's going through. Those are the hardest days and filled with so many emotions and fears. It's hard to put it all into words. I had cancer before my DH did so I think that helped me be more sympathetic to him. It took a week to get my biopsy results. DH got his the same day as his biopsy. That was the longest week of my life filled with so much uncertainty. You don't want to plan anything or think about the future because honestly you have no idea what your future is and a cancer diagnosis changes everything.
Sending lots of prayers for you both. I hope you get the results soon and they are good news!
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on May 9, 2023 16:44:41 GMT
Update: So we figured out last night that the office has a patient portal. He called this morning, talked to a human who told him they would not release the results until the follow up appointment. When he goes to the portal it says cancer discussion under reason for appointment. This has of course led to him believing that the biopsy was positive and his words were "cancer is cancer". Well no, according to the doctor it depends on what kind, how fast growing is it etc. I think I talked him out of his tree but of course I'm not home today as it's the one day I have to be in the office.
I'll keep you guys posted.
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janeliz
Drama Llama
I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.
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Post by janeliz on May 9, 2023 17:01:15 GMT
First of all, sending many good thoughts for a clear biopsy!
I do understand your frustration. You want him to hope for the best instead of planning for the worst. I had similar advice for a friend recently who was spiraling a bit after some news about her health. I admit, though, that I can be a bit of a catastrophic thinker. So I understand where your husband is coming from too.
ETA: Just saw your update. Still hoping for the best for you both. I wish the office could talk him through this in a more helpful way! That’s frustrating.
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Post by lurker on May 9, 2023 17:56:29 GMT
bethany102399, my hope for your DH is that the results are negative. But, in the event they're not, it's typically very slow growing and treatable if confined to the prostate. My hope for you is patience, lots and lots of patience. From someone who's been there, done that and didn't always have the patience I should have.
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Post by Zee on May 9, 2023 18:30:22 GMT
Everybody reacts to medical issues differently. Some choose not to worry until there's something to worry about, while others cannot relax and must put plans into place for worst-case scenario. Some remain in total denial, others are planning their funeral.
All you can do is be supportive until he has a diagnosis and can make an actual plan.
I can't say I wasn't anxious when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, but in fact I expected it to be negative and was annoyed at yet ANOTHER biopsy. But once I had the diagnosis I was glad that a treatment plan had been set in place so quickly. I tend to deal with things with humor and laughing it off when I can, so I did a lot of that. My dad got annoyed with me when I told him I'd keep him ABREAST of the situation 🤣 I guess he was more worried than I was that I might die. But everyone was pretty supportive of letting me process things in my own way.
All my best to you and your husband!
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on May 9, 2023 18:32:27 GMT
my hope for your DH is that the results are negative. But, in the event they're not, it's typically very slow growing and treatable if confined to the prostate. Thank you, I called and left a voicemail for the nurse basically outlining what has happened and asking them to call myself or DH and give us an explanation. My statement was, even if you can't go into the results he's beside himself and could they at least call and tell us something. I did explain to him that the statement "cancer discussion" could be anything from a billing code to it's slow growing and may be treatable only by watching it. He did not want to listen. At the very least, I feel like the doctors office needs to know that patient communication has fallen down in this case, and that if they can they need to remedy it. |
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Post by maryland on May 9, 2023 18:34:27 GMT
It sounds like he is scared. I hope everything is okay and he can continue with his fun plans for the summer. Thinking of him.
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Post by mcjunkin on May 9, 2023 18:48:51 GMT
my hope for your DH is that the results are negative. But, in the event they're not, it's typically very slow growing and treatable if confined to the prostate. Thank you, I called and left a voicemail for the nurse basically outlining what has happened and asking them to call myself or DH and give us an explanation. My statement was, even if you can't go into the results he's beside himself and could they at least call and tell us something. I did explain to him that the statement "cancer discussion" could be anything from a billing code to it's slow growing and may be treatable only by watching it. He did not want to listen. At the very least, I feel like the doctors office needs to know that patient communication has fallen down in this case, and that if they can they need to remedy it. You guys have had too long a wait for results. Its great that even being at wit's end with him (which is completely understandable) you are still being an advocate for him. |
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Post by KiwiJo on May 9, 2023 19:54:00 GMT
Yeah, waiting for a diagnosis is so often the worst part; when you have the diagnosis, you can deal with it but until then you’re trying to deal with the unknown and all the ‘what if’s.
I completely get where your DH is - that’s exactly how I react in such scenarios.
For me, it’s all about having some control.
While waiting for a diagnosis, there is absolutely no control over the situation at all. It is completely out of your hands.
So I would be planning on what I will do if X happens, what it would mean if Y happens etc - that gives me the feeling of having some control over something at least.
While I was waiting for my diagnosis, I wasn’t aware of feeling the lack of control, I just wanted to plan ahead. What will, or might, happen if it is cancer and I need surgery - how will that affect me, my family, my workplace……. What if I also need chemo, and/or radiotherapy, how will that affect things? etc
It wasn’t until afterwards that I realised all this planning was because it was something I could control.
In my case, it was cancer and I did need surgery (hysterectomy), chemo and radiotherapy, and it was 12 years ago with no sign of cancer since.
Some of the things I had planned did happen, some didn’t; but that’s not the point. The point was that the planning allowed me to think, feel, and believe that I had some control over the situation at the time, I wasn’t helpless.
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Post by dewryce on May 9, 2023 20:02:19 GMT
This reminds me of a time DH and I were at a counseling appointment and DH was expressing his frustration that I didn’t do much around the house and I was super upset because I did a lot around the house. When I was listing them, he hadn’t noticed. She taught us something that we still use 20+ years later. “Identify the emotions” behind whatever is going on. At the time it actually brought me to tears because he was dealing with school and depression and he FELT like he wasn’t being supported in that way, and that’s a horrible way to feel. Was he right? No, but he still felt those emotions as if he were and while we needed to get down to the “reality” of the situation, until we did he still needed the emotional support.
I am like your husband, and my DH knows the best way to support me is to sit with me in my space to be present, but not try and talk me out of the way I am feeling. If I ask a question or for his opinion he’ll answer honestly, but he won’t just try to convince me why I’m wrong in being afraid and viewing the situation the way I do. That just makes me feel worse, like he doesn’t think my feelings are valid AND I may have cancer/whatever scary thing.
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Post by Scrapper100 on May 9, 2023 21:09:00 GMT
Good thoughts for both of you. I hope you get good news soon. It has to be hard to wait so long for the results.
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Post by Tamhugh on May 9, 2023 21:46:17 GMT
A little over a month ago, I was diagnosed with colon cancer. The waiting for results is brutal. Both after the colonoscopy and my subsequent surgery, I have had to wait almost two weeks for full pathology to come back. I will know on Thursday if I need further treatment.
My family and a few friends have gotten frustrated with me because I have gone to the worst case scenario several times in needing to plan. Only my daughter-in-law (a hospital case manager), and two friends who have had cancer have understood my need to do that. While this is also hard on you, please give him grace. It is terrifying and he probably feels this need to plan because it is one thing he can control right now.
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Post by lisae on May 10, 2023 1:41:27 GMT
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I was just reading an article in the NYTimes this morning about how often times prostate cancer can be a watch and see rather than treat. My father had a moderate to aggressive type so it was treated with radiation and he lived many years longer than was expected if he had not treated.
Your DH has to process this news his way. It's so difficult for both of you, I'm sure. I hope you get better news than you expect.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,531
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Post by bethany102399 on May 10, 2023 3:37:26 GMT
Thanks for the kind words, you guys are right he's processing it in his own way. I was talking to my SIL about this tonight and said this is just new for us, in the sense that neither of us has had a serious illness to deal with in our almost 25 years of marriage. We're both figuring out how to handle it in our own way.
I gently asked him for the login for the patient portal so I could read the documents there at my own pace. For me, this is control getting all the information I can. I remain optimistic.
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Post by baslp on May 10, 2023 11:53:31 GMT
My Dh is a surgeon and some of his biopsies have taken up to 30 days to come back. This is happening at a major medical center. Hope your husband gets his results soon and it is good news
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 10, 2023 13:23:16 GMT
A little over a month ago, I was diagnosed with colon cancer. The waiting for results is brutal. Both after the colonoscopy and my subsequent surgery, I have had to wait almost two weeks for full pathology to come back. I will know on Thursday if I need further treatment. I hate to hear you are dealing with this. I'll be hopeful for you that the results are good. Thanks for the kind words, you guys are right he's processing it in his own way. I was talking to my SIL about this tonight and said this is just new for us, in the sense that neither of us has had a serious illness to deal with in our almost 25 years of marriage. We're both figuring out how to handle it in our own way. It would seem that all the advice given in this thread has landed exactly where it needed to for you. I'll hope for the best for you two when the results come in. |
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Orangutan
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Dec 21, 2019 6:03:37 GMT
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Post by Orangutan on May 10, 2023 14:22:20 GMT
It’s definitely a worrying time and I feel for him. My DH has prostate cancer so I can understand how he is feeling. If his biopsy is positive find out what his Gleeson score is and if it is contained within the prostate as that’s the most important thing.
My DH had a very aggressive cancer that had started to spread so he had surgery. His PSA blood test then showed it came back within the year so he had radiation to the prostate bed and pelvis. Unfortunately it has now spread through a lot of his lymph nodes and he is stage 4 with no cure. He’s on hormone therapy to try and control it for as long as possible and the side effects are tough.
A lot of people dismiss prostate cancer as easy to treat but that’s not always the case. I hope your DH gets a good result.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by bethany102399 on May 10, 2023 14:32:19 GMT
Orangutan I'm so sorry. it's awful to watch your spouse go through this. Prayers that the treatment will give you both more time and good quality of life.
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Post by lisacharlotte on May 10, 2023 14:42:49 GMT
Everyone has said all I could. I have had cancer, and it’s scary that time before knowing what the plan is.
You are not wrong, but you need to let him fret, and be supportive without minimizing his fear. Because nothing you say is going to stop his fear until he gets a diagnosis and a treatment plan.
If you have a friend that is willing to let you vent without judgement, that would be ideal.
Hoping for a good diagnosis for your husband.
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