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Post by bluebird71 on Jul 13, 2023 17:54:30 GMT
Just a couple months ago, I was on an easy chair reading a book for half a day and when I got up like I normally would, I ended up with a debilitating muscle spasm that sent me to the ER. Things like this happen simply because of biology--an older body is more prone to injury. When you're that older person, there are considerations that would never occur to a younger person. Girl, same. Like, I just want to pick my purse up off the floor without having to call an ambulance. I'm only 54!
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 13, 2023 17:55:33 GMT
I'd have another conversation and go over the plan, possibly give them some options and then respect whatever decision they make. I have parents who are nearing 80 and they go about things differently now than they did before.
A couple of thoughts I had about possible issues...are they worried about 6 hours in a car? Can you break that up with lunch along the way and a couple rest stops? Can they get a car back to the bnb after a couple hours at the wedding if they choose? Maybe the idea of sitting through entire reception is too much? Maybe the next day activities are too much? Can they pick and choose? Is it possible that your dd could meet you partway Saturday morning and take them home? Not convenient i'm sure, but an option if it's important for them to be at wedding, but that's all they can manage.
It's hard to watch our parents get old, that is for sure!
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Post by flanz on Jul 13, 2023 17:57:38 GMT
I agree that your parents are not necessarily worried about the cat but about themselves. Please stop trying to make them travel and accept that your parents are old, tired and not up for a long journey etc. Everyone should put their heads together to include them even if they stay at home, Zoom link/FaceTime whatever, put a laptop at a table and deliver a fancy meal to them to enjoy at the same time while talking and joining in the meal. If covid and lockdown has taught us anything, is that people can be physically absent but present virtually. Brilliant! Perhaps a friend they know who will not be at the wedding could facilitate that at their place and dinner for 3 could be delivered.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Jul 13, 2023 18:07:20 GMT
I can see both the anxiety over leaving the cat and the anxiety over traveling being true. My mom is 85 and has no serious health issues, lives on her own, drives, etc. but she does not like to travel any more - even to see beloved family members. She also does not like to leave her dog alone- even long enough to go to my house or the grocery. In her case a trip like you're planning would not work well for both reasons.
If I were in your place, I'd check with my DD and see if she's willing to stay at grandparents home to care for the cat, if she is, I'd let them know that. Then I would ask if they had concerns about the car trip, etc. If they still held their ground and said they didn't want to leave the cat, then I'd let it be. That's their choice and I'd respect it. I'd be sad that they were missing the wedding, but again, it's their choice.
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Post by worrywart on Jul 13, 2023 18:27:11 GMT
I'm sorry OP. My father was barely able to attend his grandchild's wedding and he was less than 10 miles away. Of course he wanted to attend but it was hard for him. His bodily functions are not as predictable as when he was younger and just the act of getting from place to place can be challenging. He did attend but did not attend the reception and was back at home within a couple hours.
Even though it would be disappointing if your parents don't attend, I'm sure that their grandson would understand. Hoping it works out and you all have an amazing time!
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 13, 2023 19:00:43 GMT
I think for a lot of people, as they age, their worlds get small, and they get used to and need to feel in control of everything. Honestly, it's hard. My grandmother wouldn't go to my wedding because she hadn't flown in years and was too anxious to get on a plane, and I'm not going to lie -- it really hurt that my husband's four grandparents were all there, and my only grandparent, who lived with us when I was a teenager, didn't go. But looking back, and having watched my parents and my husband's parents as they have gotten older, I get it much more now. It's still fair to acknowledge that it feels bad when people do not show for your important events, even if you understand why.
I think, like it seems everyone else does, that the cat is an anchor for the feeling, not the actual problem. I think people need to tell them it's ok if they don't go and to let them see how that feels -- as they try on different possibilities without worrying that other people will be let down, maybe they'll decide to go. Or maybe not.
I'm sorry, though. It's a tough situation.
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Post by mom on Jul 13, 2023 19:20:54 GMT
Would they be willing to go to the wedding and then go home, instead of staying for a whole weekend of family events?
Maybe a compromise could be made.
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Post by lisae on Jul 13, 2023 19:21:27 GMT
I can totally understand their anxiety. Since Covid, I don't really love the idea of travel anymore and I'm still in my 50's with all my bodily functions the way they ought to be! I don't know what it is, maybe just turning on the news and having travel nightmares a feature story every night! I think we have gotten really comfortable at home. It is our safe place and leaving it just creates anxiety it never did so much before.
If they don't want to go, then let them stay home. I would continue to assume they will change their minds and not change my plans if I were you. But if the time comes and they want to stay home then that is what they should do. This may be a warning though to be on the lookout for changes in their health. I'm sorry the plans have changed. You have obviously looked forward to this for a long time.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 13, 2023 19:44:22 GMT
I also don’t think it is about the cat, but I also don’t think you need to take them to the doctor because they don’t want to go. My mom is at an age where she doesn’t want to go to a lot of places, and she definitely doesn’t want to go on long car rides. It makes her tired, sore, and she is worried about finding a restroom. I wouldn’t force my mom to go to the wedding, and I would explain to the nephew. He should understand, hopefully. I agree it’s not about the cat and I think if they don’t want to go do not force them. Yes your nephew will be upset but in the long run your parents, anxiety level is important also. There’s no reason to call their doctor either. this is just a part of aging. They feel more comfortable at home and that’s OK.
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Post by nightnurse on Jul 13, 2023 20:26:12 GMT
I agree with everyone who says a six hour car ride and two day wedding events are enough to stress anyone out, let alone people in their 80s. I get excited about going places until the event arrives and then I’m like ugh I’d rather stay home and I’m only 50.
I also just want to point out that unless a doctor has activated the dpoa, your brother doesn’t have dpoa, he is the designated dpoa chosen for when it’s needed. It doesn’t become active until your parents mental decline or other incapacity makes it necessary.
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Post by MichyM on Jul 13, 2023 21:11:57 GMT
This thread has been on my mind today, and I have one thing to say that's been mentioned by several others as well, that I hope the OP will take under consideration now that there are so many replies with other perspectives.
At this point, I really hope that the conversations between your brother, you, your extended family, and your parents take a quick 180 and become about giving them "permission," (with understanding and empathy) to back out. That everyone will be fine if they aren't able to come, and send their love. Nephew and fiance will miss them of course, but....life. Then figure out the best way to support and include them in the event.
People simply wear out as they age, yes, some more quickly than we'd like, and if I make it to my mid 80's I hope that my son will extend me grace. I cannot imagine him calling my GP about something like this. Nor me, his.
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pantsonfire
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Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
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Jun 19, 2022 16:48:04 GMT
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Post by pantsonfire on Jul 13, 2023 21:46:06 GMT
Please do not call their doctor. Or a counselor.
They are their own persons and their choice needs to be respected.
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ddly
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Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Jul 13, 2023 22:02:52 GMT
I can totally understand their anxiety. Since Covid, I don't really love the idea of travel anymore and I'm still in my 50's with all my bodily functions the way they ought to be! I don't know what it is, maybe just turning on the news and having travel nightmares a feature story every night! I think we have gotten really comfortable at home. It is our safe place and leaving it just creates anxiety it never did so much before. This is me, too! I don’t like crowds or large groups of people. The older I get, the less I want to do anything that involves lots of people. I couldn’t get myself to graduation this year. I started feeling really sick and couldn’t figure out what was going on. As soon as I made the decision not to go, I felt so much better. I jus couldn’t do a large crowd in a hot gym even if I was seated with the other teachers. It’s the first time it’s been this hard but I can’t imagine someone pressuring me to go. I think FaceTime or Zoom is a great idea!
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Post by KiwiJo on Jul 13, 2023 22:39:40 GMT
Your parents are old and would rather stay home. There is nothing wrong with with that. What is wrong is forcing people to do things in the name of "family". Just because they don't want to go doesn't mean they don't love their grandson. And if the grandson is upset because two old people don't want to travel 6 hours away that's just selfish. Honestly, it's you and your brother who are causing the anxiety not the cat. Your whole post is about how everyone else feel. You are not taking into consideration how your parents feel. And you want to drag almost 90yr olds to the doctor because they don't want to travel. Just stop and let them be. Yes, that is possible but mom bought a new dress and dad a new suit. I took mom shopping and she was very excited that she found something she really liked. They have made comments they are excited to go until a few weeks ago. They've said several time they want to see the area again because they haven't been there in a few years. I really think something else is going on and they just aren't telling us. It’s very very common, especially in older people, to be really excited about something coming up, then as the time approaches all the doubts, insecurities, and apprehension start. I wonder if your parents, or even one of them, is feeling like I am right now:………… I am 69, so older but not very elderly. DH and I are going to Europe in 2 month’s time - it will be our fifth time so we know what to expect, and it’s all very exciting. The most exciting thing is that we will be staying with our son and daughter-in-law in Amsterdam for a few days. We’ve done that before too, love both of them & enjoy staying with them; we have a fantastic time. As well as being exciting, it will be so much easier than other times because it’s with a tour company this time and they arrange everything, even our flights and all transfers etc. Most of the time we will be cruising so there’s not even hotels to check into, no living out of a suitcase each day etc. AND YET, as the time draws nearer I am becoming more and more insecure about it. I am still excited to go, but I am thinking a lot about how comfortable we are at home. I KNOW there is nothing about the trip that we can’t handle. We’ve been there before, it will be even easier this time without having to get ourselves from A to B etc, we will get to see and stay with DS and DIL, we’re going to some familiar places and some we’ve been wanting to go to. We live in a retirement village so no problem with home security while we’re away. No health issues that could become a concern….. So why on earth an I starting to doubt the whole idea? I am really excited to be going, but if something happened that meant we couldn’t, I wouldn’t be devastated. I really don’t know why I am feeling like this, other than enjoying being at home and feeling comfortable and secure there. I can only imagine that this feeling will get stronger as I get even older. There’s a lot to be said for feeling comfortable and in a routine as we get older. We can still be ‘young at heart’, still doing all sorts of activities (I’m currently doing an online university course), still be active in the community - and yet be uncomfortable at the thought of being away from home and our routines.
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Post by fuji on Jul 13, 2023 23:37:10 GMT
My MIL attended my DD's wedding via FaceTime. I'm sure she just didn't want to leave home...for a variety of reasons (age, fear of COVID, etc.). DH was disappointed because we had made arrangements for family pictures, knowing it would be virtually impossible to get everyone together again. She was 80 and has been battling cancer, so our time with her is limited. But he let it go.
Bottom line was she wasn't comfortable attending. My SIL FaceTimed with her during the ceremony so she could "attend." She wore the dress she would have worn and still felt like she was a part of the day without the travel and physical exhaustion/problems. I thought it was the perfect solution.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 14, 2023 0:48:45 GMT
It’s definitely not about the cat. I’m only 56 and I use my dogs to bail early from events and places I’m ready to be done with all the time. I’d extend them some grace with this and tell them that if they really think they would like to change their minds and stay home that they will be missed but it’s totally okay. Then I’d figure out how to livestream the wedding and /or reception for them so they can watch comfortably from home.
Honestly, between the 12 hours+ in the car and all the other activities planned for a busy wedding weekend, I’d probably be thinking twice too. It’s a lot even if you aren’t 80 years old.
I’d also like to add that when DH and I got married, MIL flew her mom (in her 80’s and wheelchair bound) to our city for the wedding. The next day the five of us all piled in the car including grandma and drove five hours to her rural hometown to bury grandpa who had passed away six months prior and was cremated. We drove home the same day. It was challenging to say the least and probably not the best thought out plan, but MIL wanted to get things taken care of all at once while grandma was already in close proximity to grandpa’s final resting place.
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Post by jemali on Jul 14, 2023 1:23:53 GMT
Since your parents are hesitant about traveling to the wedding, maybe your nephew and fiancée could go see them? Obviously not the weekend of the wedding but maybe the next weekend? The bride could bring her dress and show the grandparents, your nephew can wear something nice (since he will have returned his tux, assuming he rented one). Your mom and dad can wear their new outfits. Someone can take pictures of them together. Maybe freeze a couple slices of cake to bring them. If somebody recorded the ceremony, they could watch it together.
It would be a small way for them to have a special time to celebrate their marriage.
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cycworker
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Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jul 14, 2023 1:35:36 GMT
I generally agree with everyone else. I guess the question that comes up for me is why didn't they have the wedding in the town where his grandparents live, if it was important to him to have them there? Certainly would've made it a lot easier.
You can't force them to go. They just have to decide what they will regret more - going to the wedding or staying home.
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quiltz
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Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 14, 2023 2:29:43 GMT
I generally agree with everyone else. I guess the question that comes up for me is why didn't they have the wedding in the town where his grandparents live, if it was important to him to have them there? Certainly would've made it a lot easier. You can't force them to go. They just have to decide what they will regret more - going to the wedding or staying home. The major players in the wedding live 6 hours away. It would be ridiculous to consider moving the wedding for the 2 grandparents to attend. It is obvious that you have never planned a wedding. The grandparents can view the wedding via Zoom and everyone will have a good time.
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Post by maryland on Jul 14, 2023 2:32:45 GMT
i am a lot younger than them, and traveling gives me anxiety. I also get nervous about leaving my dog. So I totally understand their reasons for not traveling. If I travel, I prefer to driveel alone so I can stop as much as I want, haha!
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samantha25
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Jun 27, 2014 19:06:19 GMT
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Post by samantha25 on Jul 14, 2023 3:56:42 GMT
Yes, that is possible but mom bought a new dress and dad a new suit. I took mom shopping and she was very excited that she found something she really liked. They have made comments they are excited to go until a few weeks ago. They've said several time they want to see the area again because they haven't been there in a few years. I really think something else is going on and they just aren't telling us. My late grandfather would often express excitement or interest at going to something with me (local, even), and then back out when the time got closer. He too had incontinence issues due to bladder cancer, but beyond that, he straight up told me, "The older I get, the more anything outside my routine scares me." Also, I was that grandchild who was extremely close to my grandparents but (at the time) lived and was married in a state quite a distance away from them. They opted not to travel the distance, and yes, I missed them, but it certainly wasn't the end of the world and I understood their anxieties. If your parents are tech savvy enough (or your DD2 is), maybe a livestream can be set up for the three of them to attend remotely? Heck, I felt the same way as a new mom with twins, going out. I can tell you my fears, which isn't relevant in this post but I think it's all about boundaries and what your (the parents) are comfortable with and the parents may not be comfortable going out now. Five years is a big difference in age and expectations.
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Post by compeateropeator on Jul 14, 2023 13:06:57 GMT
Glad to hear the update and I hope the cat issue can be resolved so that your parents can not worry about that and enjoy the wedding and family time. Hope you all have a wonderful time.
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purplebee
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Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Jul 14, 2023 13:31:19 GMT
Great update! Hope everyone has a wonderful time at the wedding.
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Rhondito
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Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Jul 14, 2023 16:24:26 GMT
I'm so happy to see your update and that it's nothing to do with your parents' health! I hope all of you have a great time and enjoy the weekend!
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tracylynn
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Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Jul 14, 2023 16:41:26 GMT
Please do not call their doctor. Or a counselor. They are their own persons and their choice needs to be respected. I think the update is a good outcome on this. The only comment I have on the quote I made here is that the OP stated that her brother had medical POA over her parents. That's in place for a reason. People telling her not to call their DR are a bit out of line in my opinion. Her and her siblings know when something is out of the ordinary. If this is that far out of the ordinary it's always worth a call. It doesn't hurt to be sure. And it sounds like, after her update, there are valid reasons for the medical POA and call to the Dr.
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mamallama
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Sept 14, 2018 7:30:33 GMT
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Post by mamallama on Jul 14, 2023 16:43:33 GMT
I am honestly not surprised that it really is just about the cat. My friend’s husband is like this with his dogs.
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Post by workingclassdog on Jul 14, 2023 17:06:48 GMT
Please do not call their doctor. Or a counselor. They are their own persons and their choice needs to be respected. I think the update is a good outcome on this. The only comment I have on the quote I made here is that the OP stated that her brother had medical POA over her parents. That's in place for a reason. People telling her not to call their DR are a bit out of line in my opinion. Her and her siblings know when something is out of the ordinary. If this is that far out of the ordinary it's always worth a call. It doesn't hurt to be sure. And it sounds like, after her update, there are valid reasons for the medical POA and call to the Dr. very well put!
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pantsonfire
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Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
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Jun 19, 2022 16:48:04 GMT
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Post by pantsonfire on Jul 14, 2023 17:18:53 GMT
Please do not call their doctor. Or a counselor. They are their own persons and their choice needs to be respected. I think the update is a good outcome on this. The only comment I have on the quote I made here is that the OP stated that her brother had medical POA over her parents. That's in place for a reason. People telling her not to call their DR are a bit out of line in my opinion. Her and her siblings know when something is out of the ordinary. If this is that far out of the ordinary it's always worth a call. It doesn't hurt to be sure. And it sounds like, after her update, there are valid reasons for the medical POA and call to the Dr. How are we to know about previous issues? Her post came off like she wanted to make her doctor or a counselor tell them to go. I said what I said and do not regret it. Now that we all know there was a previous concern with odd behavior, it's different but again post came off like she was trying to force then to go by any means
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ddly
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Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Jul 14, 2023 17:47:45 GMT
I’m so glad you got to the bottom of this and came up with a solution that works! Enjoy the wedding!
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Post by worrywart on Jul 14, 2023 18:18:07 GMT
Good update - I'm sure your parents appreciate both of you for caring enough to talk to them. Enjoy the wedding!!
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